I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed, who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour. He went out solo and did it first. Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American. And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group. Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems, as you know. Those two countries aren't getting along these days. So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know, like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.
Bio sam jedan od osnivača komičarske turneje "Osovina zla". drugi osnivači su bili Ahmed Ahmed, koji je egipatski Amerikanac, koji je stvarno imao ideju da ode na Bliski istok i iskuša ovo. Prije nego što smo krenuli na turneju, otišao je solo i sam to učinio. Onda tu je bio Aron Kader, koji je palestinski Amerikanac. I tu sam ja, iranski Amerikanac grupe. Biti iranski Amerikanac predstavlja zasebni set problema, znate. Te dvije zemlje se ovih dana baš i ne slažu. Što uzrokuje puno unutrašnjih sukoba, znate, poput dijelu sebe se sviđam, a drugi dio me mrzi.
(Laughter)
Dio mene misli kako bih trebao imati nuklearni program,
Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program, the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one. These are dilemmas I have every day.
drugi dio misli, ne može mi se vjerovati. To su dileme koje imam svaki dan.
But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen, which means I have the American passport, which means I can travel. Because if you only have the Iranian passport, you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms, you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.
A ja sam rođen u Iranu; sada sam američki građanin, što znači kako imam američku putovnicu, što znači da mogu putovati. Jer ako samo imate iransku putovnicu, ograničeni ste u koje zemlje možete ići otvorenih ruku, znate -- Sirija, Venecuela, Sjeverna Koreja.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you, when you get it, it still says what country you were born in. So I remember getting my American passport. I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel." And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"
Svatko tko je dobio svoju putovnicu u Americi reći će vam, kada dobijete svoju putovnicu, tamo još uvijek piše u kojoj ste zemlji rođeni. Sjećam se dok sam dobivao američku putovnicu. Mislio sam, "Vāu! Putovati ću." I otvorio sam je, i rekao, "Rođen u Iranu." Pomislih, "Ma hajde, čovječe."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"I'm trying to go places."
"Želim ići na neka mjesta."
(Laughter)
Ali ono što je interesantno je, nikada nisam imao problema
But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport, even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems. Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries. I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either. So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show with some other American comedians. They all went through. Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great." Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."
dok sam putovao u bilo koju drugu zapadanu zemlju s mojom američkom putovnicom, premda piše, "Rođen u Iranu." Nema problema. Imao sam nekih problema u arapskim zemljama, jer se niti neke arapske zemlje ne slažu s Iranom. I tako sam nedavno bio u Kuvajtu, izvodili smo komediju s nekim drugim američkim komičarima. Svi su prošli, a onda je granična patrola vidjela moju američku putovnicu. "Ah ha! Amerikanac, odlično." Onda ju je otvorio. "Rođen u Iranu? Čekaj."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And he started asking me questions. He said, "What is your father's name?" I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro." He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?" I said, "He passed away a long time ago. His name was Jabbar." He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away. And I started freaking out, because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.
I započeo mi je postavljati pitanja. Rekao je, "Koje je ime tvog oca?" Rekao sam, "Dobro, umro je, ali njegovo ime je bilo Khosro." On dalje, "Koje je ime vašeg djeda?" Ja kažem, "On je davno umro. Njegovo ime je bilo Jabbar." On kaže, "Čekajte. Vratiti ću se." i on se udalji. A ja započnem ludjeti, jer nemam pojma u kakvim je problemima moj djed bio.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Thought the guy was going to come back and be like, "We've been looking for you for 200 years."
Mislio sam kako će se čovjek vratiti i reći, "Tražili smo vas 200 godina."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue. You owe us two billion dollars."
"Vaš djed ima prekršaje za parkiranje. Davno im je prošao rok. Dugujete nam dvije milijarde dolara."
(Laughter)
Ali kao što možete vidjeti, dok pričam,
But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent, which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor, I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you. But a lot of times in Hollywood, when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent, they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great! Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'" I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say, 'Hello. I'm your doctor'?" They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."
pričam američkim naglaskom, za kojeg biste pomislili da sam iransko-američki glumac, trebao bih biti sposoban igrati bilo koju ulogu, dobru, lošu, koju god imate. Ali puno puta u Hollywoodu, kada bi menadžer koji radi selekciju za uloge saznao za moje bliskoistočno porijeklo rekao bi, "O, Vi ste Iranac. Sjajno. Možete li mi reći: 'Ubit ću vas u Allahovo ime?'" "Mogu to reći, ali što ako mogu reći, 'Zdravo. Ja sam vaš doktor.'" Oni kažu, "Sjajno. I onda napadnete bolnicu."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Like, I think you're missing the point here. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys. I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank. I want to rob a bank in a film, but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?
Mislim kako ste krivo shvatili što sam htio reći. Nemojte me krivo shvatiti, ne smeta mi glumiti loše momke. Želim glumiti loše momke. Želim opljačkati banku. Želim opljačkati banku u filmu. Želim opljačkati banku u filmu, ali želim to napraviti s pištoljem, s pištoljem, a ne bombom povezanom oko mene.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character would rob the bank with a bomb around him." "Why would I do that? If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"
Jer zamišljam režisera: "Maz, mislim kako tvoj lik želi opljačkati banku bombom opasanom oko sebe." "Zašto bih to želio? Ako želim novac, zašto bih se ubio?"
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Right?
Točno.
(Applause) "Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"
(Pljesak) "Dajte mi sav svoj novac, ili ću se raznijeti."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Well, then blow yourself up.
"Dobro, onda se raznesi.
(Laughter)
Samo to napravi vani, molim te."
Just do it outside, please."
(Smijeh)
(Laughter)
But the fact is, there's good people everywhere. That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere. All it takes in one person to mess it up. Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York, there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb. Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show. And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas who flew his airplane into the IRS building, and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show. Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male, when you show up around a lot of these activities, you start feeling guilty at one point.
Ali činjenica je, kako postoje dobri ljudi svugdje. To je ono što pokušavam pokazati u svojim stand-up nastupima. Postoje dobri ljudi svugdje. Dovoljno je da samo jedna osoba sve zabrlja. Poput onoga prije nekoliko mjeseci na Times Square-u u New York-u, tamo je bio pakistanski Musliman koji je htio aktivirati bombu u automobilu. Dogodilo se da sam i ja bio na Times Square-u te noći i izvodio komediju. A nekoliko mjeseci prije toga, dogodilo se nešto s bijelim Amerikancem u Austin-u, Teksas koji se zaletio svojim zrakoplovom u zgradu porezne uprave, a ja sam slučajno bio u Austinu tog dana i izvodio stand-up komediju. Sada ću vam reći, kao muškarac s Bliskog istoka, kada se pojaviš u blizini toliko puno aktivnosti, počinješ osjećati krivnju u određenom trenutku.
(Laughter)
Gledao sam vijesti. I rekao, "Jesam li ja uključen u ove gluposti?"
I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"
(Smijeh)
(Laughter)
"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"
"Nisam dobio bilješke. Što se događa?"
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world. And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban took credit for that failed car bombing. My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing? "We just want to say: we tried."
Ali ono što je bilo interesantno bio je pakistanski musliman -- vidite on je kriv za lošu reputaciju muslimana i bliskoistočnjaka i Pakistanaca širom svijeta. I jedna stvar koja se dogodila jest da je tamo bio pakistanski taliban koji je preuzeo odgovornost za propalu auto bombu. Moje pitanje je: zašto bi netko htio preuzeti odgovornost za propalu autobombu? "Želimo samo reći kako smo probali."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"And furthermore ...
"I nadalje,
(Laughter)
to je misao koja se broji."
it is the thought that counts."
(Smijeh)
(Laughter)
(Pljesak)
(Applause)
"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."
"I u konačnici, nešto dobijete, nešto izgubite."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building, I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein." And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!" But I kept watching the news in case they came back, and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam." "Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"
Ali ono što se dogodilo, kada se bijelac svojim avionom zabio u zgradu, znam kako su svi moji bliskoistočni i muslimanski prijatelji u Državama gledali TV i rekli, "Molim te da ne bude netko s Bliskog Istoka. Da ne bude Hassan. Da ne bude Hussein." I kada je ime Jack izašlo u javnost. Ja sam regairao, "Vāu! Nije jedan od nas." Ali sam nastavio gledati vijest u slučaju da se vrate, i objave, "Prije nego što je to napravio, preobratio se na Islam." "Dovraga! Zašto Jack? Zašto?"
But the fact is, I've been lucky to get a chance to perform all over the world, and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East. I just did a seven-country solo tour. I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia. I was in Dubai. And it's great, there's good people everywhere. And you learn great things about these places. I encourage people always to go visit these places. For example, Dubai -- cool place. They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know. They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall. It is so big, they have taxis in the mall. I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?" He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away. Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."
Ali činjenica je, bio sam sretan dobiti priliku izvesti ovo širom svijeta, a imao sam i puno prilika na Bliskom Istoku. Upravo sam se vratio sa solo turneje po sedam zemalja. Bio sam u Omanu, bio sam u Saudijskoj Arabiji. Bio sam u Dubaiju. I sjajno je, postoje dobri ljudi svugdje. I naučite sjajne stvari o tim mjestima. Uvijek ohrabrujem ljude da odu i vide ta mjesta. na primjer, Dubai -- fora mjesto. Opsjednuti su s posjedovanjem najvećeg, najvišeg, najdužeg, kao što svi znamo. Imaju trgovački centar, Dubai Mall. Toliko je velik da imaju taksije u centru. Tako sam hodao i čuo, "Bip, bip." Pomislih, "Što radiš ovdje?" A on, "Idem u Zarin dućan. To je oko 5.5 km odavde. Makni se s puta. Makni se s puta. Makni se s puta."
(Laughter)
And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai, but you wouldn't know by the prices. Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram. It's like a drug deal. I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."
I ono što je ludo -- tamo vlada recesija, čak i u Dubaiju, ali nikada ne biste rekli po cijenama. Poput onih u Dubai Mallu, prodaju zamrznuti jogurt po gramu. Kao da kupujete drogu. Hodao sam. I jedan tip mi kaže, "Pssst. Dragi prijatelju."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"You want some frozen yogurt?
"Želiš li smrznuti jogurt?
(Laughter)
Dođi ovdje. Dođi ovdje. Dođi ovdje.
Come here. Come here. Come here. I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"
Imam po gram, pet grama, deset grama. Koliko grama želiš?" (Smijeh)
(Laughter)
I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?" He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."
Kupio sam pet grama. 10 dolara. 10 dolara! Rekao sam, "Što je unutra?" a on, "Dobra stvar, čovječe. Kolumbijski. Najbolji. Najbolji."
(Laughter)
Druga stvar koju naučiš ponekad
The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries, in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries, a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations. For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall. And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States. And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States, they put something on the slide to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide. Not in the Middle East.
kada putuješ u te zemlje na Bliskom Istoku, ili ponekad u zemlje Latinske Amerike, zemlje Južne Amerike -- puno puta kada grade stvari, ne postoje pravila i zakoni. Na primjer, poveo sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igralište u Dubai Mallu. I vodio sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igrališta širom Sjedinjenih Država. I kada stavite svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogan u Sjedinjenim Državama, oni stave nešto na tobogan kako bi usporili djecu dok se spuštaju. Ne na Srednjem Istoku.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!
Stavim svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogam i vūš! On odleti.
(Laughter)
Odem dole i pitam, "Gdje je moj sin?"
I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."
"Na trećem katu gospodine. Na trećem katu."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."
"Uzmete taksi. Odete do Zare. Skrenete lijevo."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."
"Probajte jogurt. Jako je dobar. Malo skup."
(Laughter)
Ali jedna od stvari koje pokušavam raditi s mojim stand-up nastupima je da razbijam stereotipove.
But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes. And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well. I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai. And they don't get paid that well. And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers. I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too. I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up." I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy. I go, "He must be my driver," since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me. I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?" He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."
A ja sam također kriv za stvaranje stereotipova. Bio sam u Dubaiju. I tamo ima jako puno Indijaca koji rade. I ne plaćaju ih dobro. I zamislio sam si kako mora da su svi Indijci tamo radnici. I zaboravio sam kako očito postoje i uspješni Indijci u Dubaiju. Tako sam imao nastup, i rekli su mi, "Poslat ćemo vozača da vas pokupi." Spustio sam se u lobi i vidio tog Indijca. I pomislih, "Mora da je to moj vozač." Jer je stajao tamo u jeftinom odjelu, tankih brkova i buljio u mene. I odem do njega, "Oprostite gospodine, jeste li Vi moj vozač?" A on, "Ne gospodine. Ja sam vlasnik hotela."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?" He goes, "I thought you were my driver."
Ja mu kažem, "Žao mi je. Ali zašto onda buljite u mene?" On mi kaže, "Ja sam mislio da ste Vi moj vozač."
(Laughter)
(Pljesak)
(Applause)
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes, present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light. I hope that in the coming years, more film and television programs come out of Hollywood, presenting us in a positive light. Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right? "My name is Bond. Jamal Bond."
Ostaviti ću vas s ovime: ja pokušavam, svojim stand-up nastupima razbijati stereotipove, predstavljati bliskoistočnjake u pozitivnom svjetlu --muslimane u pozitivnom svjetlu -- i nadam se da će u godinama koje dolaze, biti sve više filmova i televizijskih programa iz Hoolywooda koji nas predstavljaju u pozitivnom svjetlu. Tko zna, možda ćemo jednog dana i mi imati svog James Bonda. "Moje ime je Bond, Jamal Bond." (Smijeh)
(Laughter)
Do tada, i dalje ću pričati šale. Nadam se da ćete vi i dalje smijati.
Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing. Have a good day. Thank you.
Želim vam dobar dan. Hvala vam. (Pljesak)
(Applause)