OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. And specifically, I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.
今天,我想講一下討論愛情的方法。 特別是 在我們討論愛情時所犯的錯誤。
Most of us will probably fall in love a few times over the course of our lives, and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, is really the main way that we talk about that experience. I don't know about you, but when I conceptualize this metaphor, what I picture is straight out of a cartoon -- like there's a man, he's walking down the sidewalk, without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, and he just plummets into the sewer below. And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. Falling is accidental, it's uncontrollable. It's something that happens to us without our consent. And this -- this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.
大部分人在一生中 都會有幾次墮入愛河, 在英語中「墮入」這個象徵詞 是我們討論戀愛經驗的主要方式。 我不了解各位的想法, 但這個詞會讓我 直接聯想到一個卡通畫面── 就像是有一個人 走在街道上, 在走過一個沒蓋子的人孔蓋時, 不小心墮入下水道裏一樣。 我會這麼描繪 是因為墮入並不是跳入。 墮入是意外偶然、 無法控制的, 未經我們允許卻發生了。 而這也是我們大多數人 形容一段新戀情剛開始的狀況。
I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher, which means I think about words for a living. You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use to talk about love -- maybe even most of them -- are a problem.
我是作家,也是英文老師, 意思就是我經常和文字打交道。 可以說我的工作是要說明 如何用字遣詞有關係。 我想指出 大多數我們用來形容愛情的比喻 是有問題的。
So, in love, we fall. We're struck. We are crushed. We swoon. We burn with passion. Love makes us crazy, and it makes us sick. Our hearts ache, and then they break. So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone to extreme violence or illness.
所以,在愛情中,我們會跌倒, 會受打擊, 瘋狂地愛上某人, 會為之傾倒。 我們會熱情如火, 愛情使人瘋狂, 也令我們難受。 我們會心痛 然後心碎。 所以我們對愛上一個人的比喻, 像是被狂揍了一頓或得了一場重病。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
They do. And they position us as the victims of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances. My favorite one of these is "smitten," which is the past participle of the word "smite." And if you look this word up in the dictionary --
真的是這樣。 這些比喻會讓我們在愛情裡處於 無法預料和無法避免的受害者地位。 其中我最喜歡的單詞是「受了重擊」, 是「受重擊」的過去分詞。 如果你在辭典裡尋找這個詞的意義,
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," and, "to be very much in love." I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, which is the Old Testament. In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.
你會發現它可以 被解釋為「極度的痛苦」 以及「瘋狂的愛上」。 這個單詞常讓我聯想到 《舊約聖經》裡的一個場景。 光是在《出埃及記》中,這個單詞 就被用了十六次。 它在聖經裡被用來形容 一位憤怒神的復仇。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Here we are using the same word to talk about love that we use to explain a plague of locusts.
而我們卻用這個 形容蝗蟲災害的單詞來形容愛情。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Right?
是不是?
So, how did this happen? How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering? And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience as if we are victims? These are difficult questions, but I have some theories. And to think this through, I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, which is the idea of love as madness.
所以,這究竟是怎麼回事? 為什麼我們會把愛情與 極度痛苦和傷害混為一談? 還有我們為什麼要在這場 看似是美好經驗的愛情中 把自己定位成受害者? 這些問題很難回答, 但我有一些理論。 想要徹底明白, 我想特別得看一下這個比喻, 那就是為愛癡狂。
When I first started researching romantic love, I found these madness metaphors everywhere. The history of Western culture is full of language that equates love to mental illness. These are just a few examples. William Shakespeare: "Love is merely a madness," from "As You Like It." Friedrich Nietzsche: "There is always some madness in love." "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "
當我剛開始研究浪漫愛情時, 我發現這些瘋狂的比喻無處不在。 在西方歷史文化中, 充滿了愛情等同是心裡疾病的語言。 以下是幾個例子。 莎士比亞說: 「戀愛就像得了瘋人病」, 出自《皆大歡喜》。 尼采說: 「在愛情裡總有些瘋狂。」 「愛情讓我看起來 看起來瘋瘋癲癲的」
(Laughter)
(笑)
from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.
出自偉大的哲學家碧昂絲。 (註:美國知名歌手)
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. And it was long distance for the first couple of years, so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. I can remember one moment in particular. I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. And it was late, it was nearly midnight, we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, and when we got back to our room, he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.
我的初戀發生在二十歲的時候。 從一開始就注定 會是一場峰迴路轉的戀情。 剛開始的前幾年都是遠距離戀愛, 所以會有很多相當開心 和相當低落的時候。 我特別記得那一刻...... 當時我坐在南美一間旅社的床上, 看著我深愛的人走出了門外。 當時已經很晚了, 接近午夜了, 我們在吃晚餐時,吵了一架, 當我們回到了旅館房間, 他把他的東西扔進包裡, 然後甩門走人。 雖然我已經不記得 我們吵了些什麼, 但是我很清楚的記得 他走的時候,我當時的感受。
I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, and I was totally alone. I had another week until my flight home, and I knew the name of the town that I was in, and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, but I had no idea how to get around. I had no guidebook and very little money, and I spoke no Spanish.
我那時 22 歲,人生 第一次去發展中國家, 我全然孤獨。 距離我搭機回家還有一週。 我雖然記得小鎮的名字, 和我即將離開的城市名字, 但我卻不知道要如何去到那裡。 我沒有導覽書,只有一點點錢, 也不會說西班牙語。
Someone more adventurous than me might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, but I just froze. I just sat there. And then I burst into tears. But despite my panic, some small voice in my head thought, "Wow. That was dramatic. I must really be doing this love thing right."
有一些比我更有冒險精神的人, 會把這個當成一個機會, 但我當時不知所措。 我只是呆坐在那, 然後大哭。 儘管那時候我很慌, 但我腦子裡卻有些小聲音在說: 「哇,剛剛很戲劇化。」 「我肯定是談對戀愛了。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, I longed to have dramatic experiences, and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, and weirdly enough, I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had for the guy who had just left me.
因為我的內心深處有某部分 渴望在愛情中受苦。 這對現在的我來說很奇怪, 不過對於當時只有 22 歲的我, 我渴望經歷戲劇化的愛情。 那個瞬間的我是不理性、 氣憤、絕望的。 怪的是, 我居然認為在某種程度上 它證明了我對那過離我而去的人的愛。
I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, because I thought that that was how love worked. This really should not be surprising, considering that according to Wikipedia, there are eight films, 14 songs, two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."
我想在某些程度上, 我想要試一下瘋狂的感覺, 因為我當時認為愛情就是這樣的。 這並不足為奇,根據維基百科, 有八部電影, 十四首歌,兩張專輯 和一本小說都名為《瘋狂愛情》,
About half an hour later, he came back to our room. We made up. We spent another mostly happy week traveling together. And then, when I got home, I thought, "That was so terrible and so great. This must be a real romance." I expected my first love to feel like madness, and of course, it met that expectation very well. But loving someone like that -- as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back -- was not very good for me or for him.
半小時後, 他回來了。 我們和好了。 在接下來的旅行中 我們度過了愉快的一週。 然後,當我回到家, 想著:「這段經歷真的是 既糟糕又美好。」 「這一定是真正的愛情吧。」 我期盼著能在初戀體驗到瘋狂, 當然,這場戀愛滿足了 我對愛情的期望。 不過這樣愛著一個人── 好像我的人生幸福都取決於 他對我的愛── 對我自己和對他 都是不好的。
But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, because, neurochemically speaking, romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. This is true.
但我覺得這樣的戀愛經驗並非偶見。 我們很多人在剛戀愛的時候 都感受過瘋狂。 事實上,有研究確認這是正常的。 因為,從神經化學角度來說, 浪漫的愛情與得神經病 沒什麼太大的區別。 這是真的。
This study from 1999 used blood tests to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love very closely resembled the serotonin levels of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
1999 年有一份 透過驗血方式的研究 確認剛戀愛的情侶的血清素水平 與強迫症患者血清素水平, 並無大異。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Yes, and low levels of serotonin are also associated with seasonal affective disorder and depression. So there is some evidence that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. And there are other studies to confirm that most relationships begin this way.
沒錯,而且低水平血清素 與季節性情緒失調 以及抑鬱症有關。 由此證明, 我們的心情、行為變化 與戀愛息息相關。 也有其它研究表明 大多數感情是這樣開始的。
Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long -- usually from a few months to a couple of years.
研究者相信,低血清素 與癡心妄想喜歡某人是息息相關的, 這就好比那個人在你腦中揮之不去。 我們初戀的時候都有這種感受。 但幸運的是,這感受不會持續很久。 通常只有幾個月到幾年。
When I got back from my trip to South America, I spent a lot of time alone in my room, checking my email, desperate to hear from the guy I loved. I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, then I did not need their friendship. So I stopped hanging out with most of them. And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life. But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, because if I could be miserable, then I would prove how much I loved him. And if I could prove it, then we would have to end up together eventually.
當我從南美回來的時候, 我獨自在房間裡待了很久。 看著我的電子郵箱, 渴望得到我愛的男人的消息。 我決定:如果 我的朋友不理解我的困境, 那我也不需要這些友誼。 所以我和大多數好友斷絕了關係。 那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。 但我感覺我必須痛苦, 因為唯有痛苦, 才能證明我對他的愛。 如果我可以證明, 那我們終將會在一起。
This is the real madness, because there is no cosmic rule that says that great suffering equals great reward, but we talk about love as if this is true.
這真正的是瘋了, 因為沒有任何規定說 你的痛苦付出一定會有回報, 但在愛情裡我們就是這樣想的。
Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. Our biology tells us that love is good by activating these reward circuits in our brain, and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this -- neurochemically speaking, going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal, which I find reassuring.
我們對愛情的體驗, 有生理上與文化上的。 生理透過激發我們大腦的 獎勵機制回饋 告訴我們愛情是美好的。 然而在吵架或分手後 它又告訴我們愛情是痛苦的, 這時神經化學的獎勵機制就無效了。 事實上你可能聽說過── 從神經化學的角度來說, 經歷分手和戒毒過程非常相似, 這有安慰到我。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And then our culture uses language to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain and addiction and madness. It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. Love is powerful and at times painful, and we express this in our words and stories, but then our words and stories prime us to expect love to be powerful and painful.
我們的文化、語言 會形塑、強化我們對愛情的看法。 所以,我們會用傷痛、 上癮、瘋狂來形容愛情。 這好像是一個有趣的反饋循環。 愛情另人堅強,有時也令人痛苦, 我們會用文字與故事 來闡述我們對愛情的感受, 但這些文字與故事 會主導我們對愛情 令人堅強與痛苦的期待。
What's interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. It seems like we want it both ways: we want love to feel like madness, and we want it to last an entire lifetime. That sounds terrible.
對我來說,有趣的是, 這些價值觀只會發生在 終生一夫一妻制的文化裡。 這好像是在說我們想兩者兼得: 我們既想要愛得瘋狂, 又想要這狂戀的感覺能延續一輩子。 這聽起來很恐怖。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
To reconcile this, we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. So, imagine if we were all less passive in love. If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous and instead of falling in love, we stepped into love. I know that this is asking a lot, but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution to this dilemma, which is to change our metaphors. They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, like self-fulfilling prophecies.
要緩解這種情況, 我們只能改變我們的文化 或者改變我們的期望。 想像一下,假如我們在愛情中 變得不那麼被動。 假如我們變得更堅定、 更開明、更開放, 我們就不會是墮入愛河, 而是走進愛情。 我知道這個要求不容易, 但是我並不是第一個 提出這樣建議的人。 在《我們賴以生存的隱喻》一書中, 語言學家馬克·約翰遜和喬治·拉克夫 提出了一個非常有趣的方法 來解決這樣的矛盾, 那就是改變我們的比喻。 他們認為,比喻真的可以 左右我們感受世界的方式, 甚至還能指引我們未來的行動, 就像自我實現的預言一樣。
Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: love as a collaborative work of art. I really like this way of thinking about love. Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything that collaborating on a work of art entails: effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment in long-term romantic commitment, but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual -- because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas to the experience of loving someone.
約翰遜和拉考夫 提出了一個新的比喻方式: 把戀愛當作是一個 共同合作的藝術品。 我很喜歡這種看待愛情的方式。 語言學家運用的比喻法 是可以有很多內涵的, 這方法基本上都有考量到 本體的一切含義與概念。 而約翰遜和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了 合作創作藝術品的所有含義: 努力、妥協、耐心、共同目標等等。 這些概念與我們對 長久愛情的諾言文化很契合, 但它們同樣適用於 其它各種戀愛關係── 短期的、隨意的戀情、多角戀、 非一夫一妻制、無性戀── 因為這種比喻在戀愛的體驗中 賦予了更多覆雜的概念。
So if love is a collaborative work of art, then love is an aesthetic experience. Love is unpredictable, love is creative, love requires communication and discipline, it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. And love involves both joy and pain. Ultimately, each experience of love is different.
所以,如果愛是一個 共同合作的藝術作品, 那麽愛情就是一種美學體驗。 愛情是無法預測的, 愛情是有創造力的, 愛需要溝通和自制力, 愛是令人沮喪和苛求的。 愛情包括了快樂和痛苦。 而最終,每段愛情的經歷都是不同的。
When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, whom she has met four days ago, she does not feel disappointed or angsty. Where is she? She wants to die. Right? And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, act three of five, Romeo is not dead. He's alive, he's healthy, he's just been banished from the city. I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, and yet when I first read this play, also at age 14, Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
在我年輕的時候, 我從來沒想過 能在愛情中尋求到更多, 或者說我不需要全盤接受 愛情給我的感受。 當十四歲的茱麗葉第一次遇到── 或者說,當十四歲的朱麗葉 不能和才認識四天的 羅蜜歐在一起時, 她並不覺得失望或難過。 她怎麼了? 她想死。 對吧? 大家回憶一下, 戲劇演到這裏的時候 是五幕中的第三個場景, 羅密歐還沒死。 他還活著, 他很健康, 他只是被驅逐出城。 我明白十六世紀的維羅納 和當今的北美非常不同, 然而當我第一次讀到這部戲劇, 我也是十四歲, 茱麗葉的痛苦我能感同身受。
Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, rather than something that just happens to me without my control or consent, is empowering. It's still hard. Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, and when I feel really frustrated, I have to remind myself: my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner about what I want to make together. This isn't easy, either. But it's just so much better than the alternative, which is that thing that feels like madness.
把愛情當作一個 與我所愛的人共同創造的東西, 而不是一個不經我控制或同意 就發生在我身上的東西, 這想法非常激勵人心。 這的確很難做到。 愛情有時候還是會讓我們 陷入瘋狂與痛苦, 但當我感到沮喪時, 我會提醒自己: 我的任務是與伴侶交流, 談論我們的共同目標。 這也不簡單。 但這比起把愛情當作瘋狂的行為 要好很多了。
This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection. Instead, it requires that you trust your partner and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, which sounds so simple, but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. This version of love allows us to say things like, "Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us." Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, but it was still kind of beautiful."
這樣的愛情並不是為了讓你 贏得或失去別人的愛慕。 而是需要你去信任你的伴侶 和當出現信任危機時和伴侶討論。 這聽起來很簡單, 但這實際上是挺革命性、顛覆性的。 因為你可以不再糾結於自身, 不再糾纏自己在愛情中的得與失, 而是開始思考你可以怎麼做。 這樣的愛情讓我們可以這樣說: 「嘿,我們並不是很好的合作夥伴。 可能我們不是很適合。」 或者「雖然那段戀情 比我想像中的要短, 但還是很美麗。」
The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.
一個合作完成的藝術品的魅力所在於 它不會自描或自刻。 這樣的愛情讓我們 可以主動決定它的美。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(鼓掌)