OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. And specifically, I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.
Hoxe quero falar sobre como falamos do amor e especificamente quero falar do que está mal na nosa maneira de falar do amor.
Most of us will probably fall in love a few times over the course of our lives, and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, is really the main way that we talk about that experience. I don't know about you, but when I conceptualize this metaphor, what I picture is straight out of a cartoon -- like there's a man, he's walking down the sidewalk, without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, and he just plummets into the sewer below. And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. Falling is accidental, it's uncontrollable. It's something that happens to us without our consent. And this -- this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.
A maioría de nós namorarémonos unhas pocas veces no transcurso das nosas vidas, e en Inglés existe esta metáfora "falling (caer)" é realmente a maneira como se fala sobre esta experiencia Non sei vós, pero cando eu imaxino esta metáfora, o que vexo é como sacado dos debuxos animados temos un home, camiñando pola rúa sen decatarse, pasa sobre un sumidoiro aberto e cae en picado por el. E imaxínoo deste xeito porque caer non é saltar. Caer é accidental. É incontrolábel É algo que nos pasa sen o noso consentimento E isto é a maneira principal como falamos de empezar unha nova relación.
I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher, which means I think about words for a living. You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use to talk about love -- maybe even most of them -- are a problem.
Son unha escritora e tamén unha profesora de inglés, o que significa que o meu traballo é pensar nas palabras. Poderíase dicir que me pagan por dicir que a linguaxe que usamos importa, e gustaríame dicir que moitas das metáforas que usamos falan do amor poida que a maioría delas sexan un problema.
So, in love, we fall. We're struck. We are crushed. We swoon. We burn with passion. Love makes us crazy, and it makes us sick. Our hearts ache, and then they break. So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone to extreme violence or illness.
Cando namoramos, "caemos" Coma se nos golpeasen. Coma se nos esmagasen. Coma se nos fósemos a desmaiar Ardemos con paixón. O amor toléanos e enférmanos. Doénos os corazóns e despois rompen. As nosas metáfotas igualan a experiencia de amar a alguén ata a extrema violencia ou enfermidade.
(Laughter)
(risas)
They do. And they position us as the victims of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances. My favorite one of these is "smitten," which is the past participle of the word "smite." And if you look this word up in the dictionary --
É verdade. E sinálanos coma as víctimas de circunstancias inevitábeis. A miña favorita é "azoutado" que é o participio pasado da palabra "azoute". Se ti buscas esta palabra no dicionario
(Laughter)
(risas)
you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," and, "to be very much in love." I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, which is the Old Testament. In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.
poderédes ver que pode ser definida coma "aflicción dolorosa" e " estar moi moi namorado". Eu relaciono a palabra "azoute" cun contexto moi particular, que é o Vello Testamento. Só no libro do Éxodo hai 16 referencias ó azoute, que é a palabra que a Biblia usa para a vinganza dun Deus cabreado.
(Laughter)
(risa)
Here we are using the same word to talk about love that we use to explain a plague of locusts.
Aquí empregamos a mesma palabra para falar do amor que para falar da praga de lagostas.
(Laughter)
(risa)
Right?
verdade?
So, how did this happen? How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering? And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience as if we are victims? These are difficult questions, but I have some theories. And to think this through, I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, which is the idea of love as madness.
como é que pasou isto? Como acabamos asociando o amor cunha gran dor e sufrimento? E por que falamos desta maneira sobre unha boa experiencia como se fósemos vítimas? Estas son preguntas difíciles, pero teño algunhas teorías. E pensándoo detalladamente, quero centrarme nunha metáfora en particular que é a idea do amor como loucura.
When I first started researching romantic love, I found these madness metaphors everywhere. The history of Western culture is full of language that equates love to mental illness. These are just a few examples. William Shakespeare: "Love is merely a madness," from "As You Like It." Friedrich Nietzsche: "There is always some madness in love." "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- "
Cando primeiramente empecei a buscar sobre o amor romántico, encontrei estas metáforas sobre a loucura en todas partes. A historia da cultura occidental está chea de linguaxe que iguala o amor coas enfermidades mentais. Estos son alguns exemplos. William Shakespeare: " O amor e meramente loucura" de "Como gostedes". Friedrich Nietzsche: "Sempre hai algo de loucura no amor" "E tenme, tenme parecendo tan loucamente namorada"
(Laughter)
(risa)
from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.
da gran filósofa, Beyoncé Knowles.
(Laughter)
(risas)
I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. And it was long distance for the first couple of years, so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. I can remember one moment in particular. I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. And it was late, it was nearly midnight, we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, and when we got back to our room, he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.
Namoreime por primeira vez cando tiña 20 anos e foi unha relación bastante turbulenta dende o principio. E foi unha relación a distancia os primeiros dous anos, o que significaba grandes subidas e baixadas. Podo recordar un momento en particular. Estaba sentada nunha cama nun hostal en Sudamérica, e vin a persoa que amaba saíndo da habitación. E era tarde. Era case medianoite tivemos unha pelexa na cea, e cando volvimos á nosa habitación, tirou as cousas na maleta e estourou. Ainda que non podo recordar polo qué discutimos podo recordar perfectamente como me sentín cando se foi.
I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, and I was totally alone. I had another week until my flight home, and I knew the name of the town that I was in, and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, but I had no idea how to get around. I had no guidebook and very little money, and I spoke no Spanish.
Tiña 22 anos e era a miña primeira vez nun país en vías de desenvolvemento, e estaba completamente soa. Tiña unha semana máis ata o meu voo a casa, e sabía o nome da cidade na que estaba e o nome da cidade da que precisaba voar ata casa, pero non tiña nin idea de coma volver. Non tiña unha guía e tiña moi poucos cartos e non falaba nada de español.
Someone more adventurous than me might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, but I just froze. I just sat there. And then I burst into tears. But despite my panic, some small voice in my head thought, "Wow. That was dramatic. I must really be doing this love thing right."
Alguén máis aventureiro ca min podería ver isto coma unha oportunidade pero eu paraliceime. Seguía alí sentada e comecei a chorar. Pero a pesar do meu pánico unha voceciña na miña cabeza pensou, "Guau, iso foi dramático. Debo estar facendo esta cousa do amor moi ben"
(Laughter)
(risas)
Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, I longed to have dramatic experiences, and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, and weirdly enough, I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had for the guy who had just left me.
Porque parte de min quería sentirse miserable no amor. E soame raro agora pero aos 22 desexaba ter experiencias dramáticas, e nese momento era irracional, furiosa e estaba desfeita, e estrañamente, pensei que isto xustificaba os meus sentimentos polo rapaz que acababa de deixarme.
I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, because I thought that that was how love worked. This really should not be surprising, considering that according to Wikipedia, there are eight films, 14 songs, two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."
Creo que en certa medida quería sentirme un pouco tola porque pensei que así era como o amor funciona. Isto non debería sorprendernos, se consideramos que segundo a Wikipedia, hai 8 películas, 14 cancións, dous albums e unha novela co título "Amor tolo".
About half an hour later, he came back to our room. We made up. We spent another mostly happy week traveling together. And then, when I got home, I thought, "That was so terrible and so great. This must be a real romance." I expected my first love to feel like madness, and of course, it met that expectation very well. But loving someone like that -- as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back -- was not very good for me or for him.
Unha hora e media máis tarde, volveu á habitación. Arranxamos as cousas. Pasamos outra semana xuntos maiormente felices, e despois, cando volvín á casa, pensei " isto foi tan terrible e xenial isto debe ser amor real" Esperaba que o meu primeiro amor fose coma unha loucura e por suposto, cumprín coas miñas expectativas. Pero amar a alguén así coma se o meu benestar dependese de que el me amase coma eu o amaba non foi bo para min ou para el.
But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, because, neurochemically speaking, romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. This is true.
Pero sospeito que esta experiencia do amor non é tan pouco frecuente. A maioría de nós está un pouco tolo nas primeiras fases do amor romántico. De feito, hai un estudo que confirma que isto en certa maneira é normal porque, falando en términos neuroquímicos o amor romántico e as enfermidades mentais non son tan fáciles de distinguir. É verdade.
This study from 1999 used blood tests to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love very closely resembled the serotonin levels of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Este estudo de 1999 usou análises de sangue para confirmar que os niveles de serotonina de alguén que acaba de namorarse son moi parecidos aos niveles de serotonina da xente diagnosticada con desorde obsesivo-compulsivo.
(Laughter)
(risa)
Yes, and low levels of serotonin are also associated with seasonal affective disorder and depression. So there is some evidence that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. And there are other studies to confirm that most relationships begin this way.
Si, e baixos niveis de serotonina tamén están asociados con épocas de desorden afectivos e depresión. Polo que hai evidencia de que o amor está asociado a cambios no noso humor e comportamento E hai outros estudos que confirman que a maioría das relacións comezan desta maneira.
Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long -- usually from a few months to a couple of years.
Os investigadores pensan que os baixos niveles de serotonina están relacionados co pensamento obsesivo do obxecto do amor, que é este sentimento de que alguén camiña polo noso cerebro constantemente. E a maioría de nós séntese así cando nos enamoramos. Pero as boas noticias son que non dura tanto tempo normalmente duns poucos meses a un par de anos.
When I got back from my trip to South America, I spent a lot of time alone in my room, checking my email, desperate to hear from the guy I loved. I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, then I did not need their friendship. So I stopped hanging out with most of them. And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life. But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, because if I could be miserable, then I would prove how much I loved him. And if I could prove it, then we would have to end up together eventually.
Cando volvín da miña viaxe por Sudamérica pasei moito tempo soa na miña habitación mirando o meu mail, desesperada por escoitar do rapaz que eu amaba. Decidín que se os meus amigos non podían comprender os meus sentimentos de dor, entón non necesitaba a súa amizade. Así que parei de saír coa maioría deles. E foi probablemente o ano máis infeliz da miña vida. Pero penso que era o meu traballo sentirme miserable porque se eu podía ser miserable, podería demostrar o moito que o amaba. E se podía demostralo, entón acabariamos xuntos máis tarde ou máis cedo.
This is the real madness, because there is no cosmic rule that says that great suffering equals great reward, but we talk about love as if this is true.
Isto é pura loucura, porque non hai unha lei cósmica que diga que un gran sufrimento equivale a unha gran recompensa, pero falamos do amor coma se fose verdade.
Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. Our biology tells us that love is good by activating these reward circuits in our brain, and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this -- neurochemically speaking, going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal, which I find reassuring.
As nosas experiencias no amor son tanto biolóxicas coma culturais. A nosa bioloxía dítanos que o amor é bo activando estes circuitos de recompensa nos nosos cerebros, e dinos que o amor é dor cando, despois dunha pelexa ou ruptura, a recompensa neuroquímica é a rehabilitación. E de feito - e poida que xa o escoitásedes- falando en términos neuroquímicos, pasar unha ruptura e coma rehabilitarse dunha adicción á cocaína o que eu encontro tranquilizante.
(Laughter)
(risas)
And then our culture uses language to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain and addiction and madness. It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. Love is powerful and at times painful, and we express this in our words and stories, but then our words and stories prime us to expect love to be powerful and painful.
A nosa cultura usa a linguaxe para dar forma e reforzar estas ideas sobre o amor. Neste caso estamos a falar das metáforas sobre a dor, a adicción e a loucura. É un interesante bucle. O amor é poderoso e ás veces doloroso, e expresámolo a través das nosas palabras e historias, pero as nosas palabras e historias prepárannos para esperar que o amor sexa poderoso e doloroso.
What's interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. It seems like we want it both ways: we want love to feel like madness, and we want it to last an entire lifetime. That sounds terrible.
O que é interesante para min é que todo isto pasa nunha cultura que valora a monogamía para toda a vida. Parece que o queremos todo: queremos o amor que se sente coma loucura e queremos que dure toda a vida. É terrible.
(Laughter)
(risa)
To reconcile this, we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. So, imagine if we were all less passive in love. If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous and instead of falling in love, we stepped into love. I know that this is asking a lot, but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution to this dilemma, which is to change our metaphors. They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Para arranxar isto, temos ou que cambiar a cultura ou cambiar as nosas expectativas. Imaxino que se todos fósemos menos pasivos no amor e fósemos máis seguros, máis abertos de mente, máis xenerosos e en vez de "caer" no amor, camiñásemos no amor. Sei que isto é pedir demasiado, pero non son a primeira persoa que suxire isto. No libro "As metáforas polas que vivimos" os lingüistas Mark Johnson e George Lakoff suxiren una solución moi interesante para este dilema, que é cambiar o uso das nosas metáforas. Comentan que as metáforas dan forma a maneira na que percibimos o mundo, e poden actuar coma unha guía para accións futuras coma se fosen unha profecía.
Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: love as a collaborative work of art. I really like this way of thinking about love. Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything that collaborating on a work of art entails: effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment in long-term romantic commitment, but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual -- because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas to the experience of loving someone.
Johson e Lakoff suxiren unha nova metáfora para o amor: amor coma una obra de arte en conxunto. Encántame esta maneira de pensar no amor. Os lingüistas falan sobre as metáforas coma se tivesen vinculacións, que é esencialmente a manera de considerar todas as implicacións das ideas contidas nunha metáfora. Johnson e Lakoff falan sobre todo o que implica traballar conxuntamente nunha obra de arte: esforzo, compromiso, paciencia, os mesmos obxetivos na vida. Estas ideas encaixan na nosa cultura no compromiso das largas relacións románticas, pero tamén encaixan para outros tipos de relacións, curta duración, casual, poliamorosas, non monógamas, asexuais... porque esta metáfora engloba ideas moito máis complexas á experiencia de amar a alguén.
So if love is a collaborative work of art, then love is an aesthetic experience. Love is unpredictable, love is creative, love requires communication and discipline, it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. And love involves both joy and pain. Ultimately, each experience of love is different.
Se o amor é a creación dunha obra de arte en conxunto entón o amor é unha experiencia artística. O amor é impredicible, o amor é creativo, o amor require comunicación e disciplina, é frustrante e emocionalmente esixente. O amor envolve tanto alegría coma dor. Ultimamente cada experiencia no amor é diferente.
When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, whom she has met four days ago, she does not feel disappointed or angsty. Where is she? She wants to die. Right? And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, act three of five, Romeo is not dead. He's alive, he's healthy, he's just been banished from the city. I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, and yet when I first read this play, also at age 14, Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
Cando era cativa, nunca me ocurreu que se me permitise pedir máis do amor, que eu non tiña que aceptar calquera cousa que o amor me ofrecese. Cando unha Xulieta de 14 anos coñece ou cando unha Xulieta de 14 anos non pode estar con Romeo o que coñeceu catro días antes, ela non se sente decepcionada ou con ansiedade En que punto está ela? Ela quere morir. Verdade? E só coma recordatorio neste punto da obra, acto tres de cinco, Romeo non está morto. El está vivo, está san, tan só desapareceu da cidade. Eu entendo que a Verona do século XVI non é coma a Norte América contemporánea, e porén cando lin por primeira vez esta novela tamén ós 14, o sufrimento de Xulieta tiña sentido para min.
Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, rather than something that just happens to me without my control or consent, is empowering. It's still hard. Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, and when I feel really frustrated, I have to remind myself: my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner about what I want to make together. This isn't easy, either. But it's just so much better than the alternative, which is that thing that feels like madness.
Remplanteando o amor coma algo que se pode crear con alguén que admiro, e non coma algo que simplemente me sucede sen o meu control ou consentimento é motivador. É aínda difícil. O amor fainos sentir coma unha loucura ás veces e cando me sinto moi frustrada teño que recordar: o meu traballo nesta relación é falar coa miña parella sobre o que queremos facer xuntos. Isto tampouco é doado. Pero é moito mellor ca a alternativa, que é o sentimento de loucura,
This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection. Instead, it requires that you trust your partner and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, which sounds so simple, but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. This version of love allows us to say things like, "Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us." Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, but it was still kind of beautiful."
Esta versión do amor non vai de gañar ou perder o afecto de alguén. No seu lugar require que confíes na túa parella e fales das cousas cando a confianza é difícil o cal soa moi simple, pero é en realidade revolucionario en certo sentido, un acto radical. Iso é porque tes que pararte a pensar sobre tí mesmo, o que estás a gañar e a perder na túa relación de parella e comezas a pensar sobre o que tes que ofrecer. Esta versión do amor permítenos dicir cousas como, "Non somos bos colaboradores. Ó mellor isto non é para nós" ou " esta relación foi máis curta do que tiña planeado pero aínda así foi bonita"
The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.
O bonito dunha obra de arte en conxunto é que non se vai pintar ou debuxar ou esculpir a si mesma. Esta versión do amor permítenos decidir coma se vai ver.
Thank you.
Grazas.
(Applause)
(Aplauso)