It was a Thursday, June the 23rd, 1994.
那天是星期四, 1994 年 6 月 23 日。
(Sighs)
(嘆氣)
"Collect your belongings. You are free to go. When escorted outside, go directly to your car. Do not talk to reporters."
「收拾你的行裝。 你可以離開了。 護送你出去之後, 請直接上你的車。 不許與記者交談。」
My head is spinning, my heart is racing, I can't get a breath. I just want out of there. When I get to my car, I throw everything on the back, and I just collapse into the driver's seat. "I can't do this. I can't go home to my family that I haven't seen in a week and pretend to be happy." Not even their love and support could help me at this particular time.
我感到天旋地轉, 我的心跳加速, 我無法呼吸。 我只想離開那裡。 當我走進我的車, 我把所有的東西都丟到後座, 我便癱倒在駕駛座上。 「我辦不到。 我無法回家, 去面對一個星期來都沒見到的家人, 還要裝出快樂的樣子。」 就連他們的愛和支持 也無法在這個時候給我幫助。
We had just sentenced a man to death. Now what? Just go home and wash dishes?
我們剛剛判了一個人死刑。 然後呢? 就回家去洗碗盤嗎?
You see, in Mississippi, the death penalty is like a part of our unspoken culture. The basic logic is, if you murder someone, then you're going to receive the death penalty. So when the jury selection process took place, they asked me, "Could you, if the evidence presented justified the death penalty, could you deliver, rationally and without reservations, a penalty of death?" My answer was an astounding "yes," and I was selected as Juror Number 2.
要知道,在密西西比, 死刑就像是我們 地下文化的一部分。 基本的邏輯是, 如果你謀殺一個人, 那你就會被判死刑。 所以,當開始挑選陪審團成員時, 他們問我: 「你能嗎? 如果呈堂證供足以判他死刑, 你能否, 理性地,且沒有保留地, 判處死刑?」 我當時的回答 是讓人震驚的「我能」, 而我就被選為二號陪審員。
The trial started. From the evidence being presented and from the pictures of the victim, my first response was, "Yes, this man is a monster, and he deserves the death penalty." For days, I sat and looked at his hands, the ones that yielded the knife, and against his pasty white skin, his eyes ... Well, he spent endless days in his cell, no sunlight, so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache. He was very intimidating, and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.
審判開始了。 根據呈堂的證據 以及受害者的照片, 我最初的反應是: 「是的,這個人是禽獸, 他被判死刑是罪有應得。」 數日來,我坐著,看著他的手, 那雙揮下刀的手, 以及與他蒼白的皮膚對比, 他那黝黑的雙眼…… 他在他的牢房中待了無數日, 沒有陽光, 所以他的雙眼和他的 頭髮鬍鬚一樣黑。 他看來十分嚇人, 他有罪,這是無庸置疑的。
But regardless of his guilt, as the days passed, I began to see this monster as a human being. Something inside of me was changing that I just didn't understand. I was beginning to question myself as to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.
但,就算他有罪, 隨著日子過去, 我開始把這禽獸 當人來看待。 我的內在發生了某種 我不理解的改變。 我開始質疑我自己, 不再確定我是否真的 想要判這個人死刑。
Jury deliberations began, and the judge gave us jury instructions and it was to be used as a tool in how to reach a verdict. Well, using this tool only led to one decision, and that was the death penalty. I felt backed into a corner. My head and my heart were in conflict with each other, and the thought of the death penalty made me sick. However, following the judge's instructions, being a law-abiding person, I gave up. I gave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors. And there it was: our broken judicial system at work.
陪審團商議開始了, 法官給了我們陪審團審理指導, 它是一種工具, 用來協助達成裁決。 用這項工具只會產生一種決定, 那就是死刑。 我感覺退到了角落。 我的頭腦和內心互相矛盾, 我一想到死刑, 就感到噁心。 然而,遵循法官的指示, 作為一個守法的人, 我放棄了。 我放棄了,跟著其他 十一名陪審員投票。 這就是了: 我們不完善的司法體制 就是這麼運作的。
So here I am in my car, and I'm wondering: How is my life ever going to be the same? My life was kids, work, church, ball games -- just your average, normal, everyday life. Now everything felt trivial. I was going down this rabbit hole. The anger, the anxiety, the guilt, the depression ... it just clung to me. I knew that my life had to resume, so I sought counseling. The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD and told me that the best way to overcome the PTSD was to talk about the trauma. However, if I talked or tried to talk about the trauma outside her office, I was shut down. No one wanted to hear about it. He was just a murderer. Get over it. It was then that I decided to become a silent survivor.
所以,我在我的車裡, 我很納悶: 我的人生怎麼能回得到原樣? 我的人生本來是孩子、 工作、教堂、球賽—— 就是你平常看到的普通日常生活。 現在一切都變得不再重要。 我陷入了困惑當中。 那憤怒、焦慮、 罪惡感、沮喪感…… 都揮之不去。 我知道我的人生還是得走下去, 所以我去尋求諮詢。 諮詢師診斷我得了 創傷後壓力症候群, 告訴我,克服此症候群最好的方式, 就是去談論創傷。 然而,如果我在她辦公室 以外的地方談論 或試著談論那件事, 我會被拒絕。 沒有人想要聽我說這件事。 他不過是個殺人犯。把他忘了吧。 所以那時,我決定保持沉默地活著。
Twelve years later, 2006, I learned that Bobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals, and his execution date was approaching. That was like a punch in the stomach. All of those buried feelings just started coming back. To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, and I said, "Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"
十二年後,2006 年, 我聽說巴比威爾奇 放棄了所有的上訴, 他的行刑日越來越近。 就好像往胃裡打了一拳。 所有被埋藏的感覺又開始回來了。 為了試著找到平靜, 我打電話給巴比的律師,我說: 「我能在巴比被處死之前 見他一面嗎?」
Driving to the penitentiary on the day of his execution, in my mind, Bobby was going to be manic. But, surprisingly, he was very calm. And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life, and I got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death. His words to me were: "You don't have to apologize. You didn't put me here. I did this myself. But if it'll make you feel better, I forgive you."
在他的行刑日,我開車到監獄, 我心裡猜想, 巴比應該會很躁狂。 但,出乎意料,他相當冷靜。 足足兩個小時, 他和我坐下來談人生, 我向他請求原諒, 因為我參與他的死刑審判。 他對我說的話是: 「你不用道歉。 不是你讓我走到這一步的。 是我自己造成的。 但如果能讓你感覺好一點, 我原諒你。」
On my way home, I stopped by a restaurant and bought a margarita.
在回家的路上, 我在一家餐廳停下來, 買了一杯雞尾酒。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I don't think I could get one big enough --
我覺得一杯酒不夠——
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
to try and calm down. My phone rang. It was Bobby's attorney. Within two minutes of his execution, they had given him a stay. This stay gave me time to reach out to Bobby. And as crazy as it may sound, we became friends. Three months later, he was executed by the State of Mississippi.
我試著冷靜下來。 我的手機響了。 是巴比的律師打來的。 離行刑不到兩分鐘的時間, 他們決定暫緩執行。 這個決定讓我有時間 去接近巴比。 聽起來可能很瘋狂, 但我們成了朋友。 三個月後, 他的死刑由密西西比州執行。
I'm here to tell you my story, because it was precisely 22 years later that I even wanted to open up enough to talk about it, when a friend encouraged me. "Hey, perhaps you need to talk to the other jurors. You've been through the same experience."
我在這裡告訴各位我的故事, 因為,正是二十二年後, 我甚至想要公開談論這件事時, 一位朋友鼓勵我: 「嘿,也許你需要 和其他陪審員談談。 你們有過同樣的經歷。」
Uncertain of what I was after, I did need to talk to them. So I set out on my quest, and I actually found most of them. The first juror I met thought that Bobby got what he deserved. Another juror -- well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long to carry the sentence out. Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him, but he didn't remember anything about the trial.
我不太確定我的目的是什麼, 但我的確需要和他們談談。 所以,我展開了這趟追尋之旅, 事實上我找到了大部分的陪審員。 我去見的第一位陪審員 認為巴比是罪有應得。 另一位陪審員—— 他們感到遺憾, 因為花了這麼長的時間 才執行死刑。 接著,有一位陪審員, 我不知道他怎麼回事, 但他完全不記得那場審判。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Well, I'm thinking in my mind, "Jeez, is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"
嗯, 我心裡想著: 「天啊,我從其他人那邊 也會得到這樣的回應嗎?」
Well, thank God for Allen. Allen was a gentle soul. And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset about our decision. And he told me about the day that the devastation really set in on him and hit him. He was listening to the radio, and the radio had a list of names of men to be executed at Parchman Penitentiary. He heard Bobby's name, and he then truly realized what he had done. And he said, "You know, I had a responsibility in that man's death." Now here it is, 20-something years later, and Allen is still dealing with that issue. And he's never told anyone about it, not even his wife. He also told me that if the State of Mississippi wanted to keep the death penalty, then hey, they needed to provide counseling for the jurors.
謝天謝地,還好有艾倫。 艾倫心地善良。 我和他談的時候,他是真的 對我們的決定感到心煩。 他告訴我那天的狀況, 他真的感到傷痛欲絕。 他聽到廣播 唸出了密西西比州立監獄 將要被處死的死囚名單。 他聽到巴比的名字, 接著,他才真正意識到 他做了什麼事。 他說:「你知道嗎, 那個人的死,我也有責任。」 現在,二十多年後, 艾倫仍然為那件事情而煩惱。 他從來沒有跟任何人說過, 連他的妻子都沒有。 他也告訴我, 如果密西西比州想要保有死刑, 那麼,他們需要給陪審員 提供心理諮詢服務。
Then the next juror I met was Jane. Jane is now totally against the death penalty, And there was Bill. Bill said he had this crushing depression for weeks, and when he went back to work, his colleagues would say things to him like, "Hey, did you fry him?" To them, it was just a joke. Then there was Jon. Jon said his decision weighed on him, and it burdened him daily.
我接下來見的陪審員是珍。 珍現在完全是個反對死刑的人, 還有比爾, 比爾說他有好幾週的時間 都快被憂鬱感給壓垮了, 當他回去工作時, 他的同事會對他說類似這樣的話: 「嘿,你是不是把他炸了啊? 對他們來說,那只是個笑話。 然後,還有強。 強說他的決定讓他感到很沉重, 每天都是他的負擔。
The final juror that I spoke to was Ken. Ken was the foreman of the jury. When we sat down to talk, it was apparent that he was deeply saddened by what we were required to do. He relived the day that he left the courthouse and he drove home and he went to put his key in his door and unlock it, and he said he literally broke down. He said he knew that Bobby was guilty, but the decision he made, he did not know if it was the right decision. And he said that he played it over and over in his head. Did we do the right thing? Did we do the right thing? Did we do the right thing?
我交談的最後一位陪審員是肯。 肯是當時陪審團的主席。 我們坐下來談時, 很顯然他對於我們當時 被要求做的事,感到悲傷沉重。 他回想那天的經歷, 他離開了法院, 開車回到家, 把他的鑰匙插入 他家的大門,把鎖打開, 他說他真的是崩潰了。 他說他知道巴比有罪, 但他所做的決定, 他不知道那是否是正確的決定。 他說他在的腦海不斷回想一個問題。 我們當初做的是對的事嗎? 我們當初做的是對的事嗎? 我們當初做的是對的事嗎?
(Sighs)
(嘆氣)
All those years, and I finally realized that I was not the only disillusioned juror. And we talked about sharing our experience with potential jurors to give them some insight into what to expect, and to tell them do not be complacent; to know what you believe; to know where you stand and be prepared, because you don't want to walk in one morning as a juror and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.
這些年來, 我終於知道我不是唯一 幻想破滅的陪審員。 我們談到,我們可以把我們的經驗 和可能當陪審員的人分享, 讓他們知道要預期什麼, 並告訴他們不要自滿; 要知道自己的信念; 要知道你的立場,且要準備好, 因為你並不希望有一天 以陪審員的身分走進去, 在審判結束時卻感覺 自己像是個殺人兇手。
Now, through this storm in my life, I did find some inspiration, and it came in the form of my granddaughters. My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie, was writing an essay on the death penalty for school, and she was asking me questions. Well, it dawned on me that this child was being raised in the same eye-for-an-eye culture as I was, or had been. And so I explained my experience to her this way: that I had sentenced someone to death as I served on a jury. And I asked her, "Did that make me a murderer?" She couldn't answer.
我確實在我人生中的 這場風暴裡找到了一些靈感, 它化身成我的孫女們, 出現在我生命中。 我十四歲的孫女,瑪迪, 在寫一篇關於死刑的學校論文, 她問了我一些問題。 我漸漸明白,這個孩子成長的環境 是同樣以牙還牙的文化, 和我過去—— 或曾經成長——的環境一樣。 我用這樣的方式 向她解釋我的經歷: 我在當陪審員時,判了某人死刑。 我問她: 「那是否表示我是殺人兇手?」 她無法回答。
I knew then that this topic needed to be open for discussion. And guess what happened? I got invited to speak, just recently, in an abolitionist community. While I was there, I got a T-shirt. It says, "Stop Executions." Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old granddaughter was there, Anna, and she says, "Can I have that shirt?" Well, I looked at her dad -- her dad is my son -- and I knew that he is still dealing with this death penalty issue. So I turned around and I looked at her, and I said, "Are you gonna wear this?" So she turned and she looked at her dad, and she said, "Dad, I know how you feel, but I don't believe in the death penalty." My son looked at me, shook his head, and said, "Thanks, Mom." And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."
我知道這個話題需要被公開討論。 猜猜發生了什麼事? 最近,我受到邀請, 去一個廢奴主義團體演講。 我到那裡時,拿到一件 T 恤。 上面寫著「停止死刑」。 當我回家時,我的十六歲 孫女安娜在家裡, 她說:「這件上衣可以給我嗎?」 我看著她爸爸—— 她爸爸就是我兒子—— 我知道他還在處理這個死刑議題。 所以我轉過身,我看著她,說: 「你打算要穿它嗎?」 於是,她轉身,看著她爸爸,說: 「爸,我懂你的感受, 但我不相信應該要有死刑。」 我兒子看著我, 搖搖頭,說: 「謝了,媽。」 我知道那句「謝了,媽。」是個反話。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
So I learned that life had taught me some lessons. It taught me, if I had not served on that jury, that I would still be of the same mindset. It also gave me confidence to be able to see through the eyes of my granddaughters, that this younger generation, they're capable and they're willing to tackle these difficult social issues. And because of my experience, my granddaughters, they're now more equipped to stand on their own and to think for themselves than to rely on cultural beliefs.
所以,我了解到, 人生給了我一些教訓, 它教會我,如果我沒擔任過陪審員, 我可能還會保有同樣的心態。 它也給了我信心, 能夠透過我孫女們的 眼睛來看世界, 這個年輕的世代, 他們有能力也願意 去解決這些社會難題。 因為我的經歷, 我的孫女們, 她們現在更有能力, 去為自己獨立思考, 而不只是仰賴文化的信念。
So: being from a conservative, Christian family from a very conservative state in the United States, I am here to tell you that the death penalty has new opponents.
所以: 我來自一個保守的基督教家庭, 來自美國一個非常保守的州, 我在此告訴各位, 死刑有了新的敵手了。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)