So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big, but I want to talk to you about something very small. So small, it's a single word. The word is "misfit." It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal. I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in. Or a person who fits in badly. Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted to new situations and environments." I'm a card-carrying misfit. And I'm here for the other misfits in the room, because I'm never the only one. I'm going to tell you a misfit story.
我知道TED上談論的大多是重要的大事, 但是我想跟你們分享一件小小事。 非常小的事,只是單單的一個詞: 這個詞叫作「異類」。 這是我最喜愛的詞, 因為它是如此地切和字面上的意思—— 我的意思是,那意味著, 一個人錯過了融入群體的機會。 或是指一個人融入得非常糟糕。 或該這麼說:無法良好適應 新的處境與環境的一個人。 我就是一個不折不扣的「異類」。 而為了其他異類,我站在這裡, 因為在異類中, 我永遠不是唯一一個。 我現在要和你們說一個異類的故事。
Somewhere in my early 30s, the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep. Actually, it came to my mailbox in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize for a short story I had written. The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer and about my crappy home life, and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane. The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents and other authors. So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right? You know what I did the day the letter came to my house? Because I'm me, I put the letter on my kitchen table, I poured myself a giant glass of vodka with ice and lime, and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day, just staring at the letter. I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up. Who the hell was I to go to New York City and pretend to be a writer? Who was I?
當我三十出頭時, 成為一位作家的夢想 近得彷彿就在我眼前。 實際上,它來到了我的郵箱中, 一封信件表示 我獲得了一個知名文學獎項。 得獎的是我寫的一篇短篇故事。 短篇故事的內容是關於我 作為優秀游泳選手的生活, 還有我糟透了的家庭生活。 另外還有那些關於傷痛和失去 是如何逼瘋人的。 獲獎的獎勵是一趟旅程: 前往紐約會見一流的編輯,著作經紀人 以及其他的作家。 這就是一個立志成為作家的人的 夢想,對吧? 但你知道我在拿到信的那天做了什麼嗎? 因為我就是我, 我把信件放在廚房的桌上, 喝了一大杯伏特加, 加了冰塊和萊姆片, 我穿著內衣坐在那裡一整天, 只是盯著信看。 我在想我一路是如何 把自己的人生搞砸的。 該死的那個要前往紐約、 裝作是一名作家的我到底是誰? 我是誰?
I'll tell you. I was a misfit. Like legions of other children, I came from an abusive household that I narrowly escaped with my life. I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt. I'd flunked out of college not once but twice and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.
我來告訴你。 我是個異類。 就像眾多孩子一樣, 我來自家暴家庭, 我幾乎用盡自己的生命逃脫。 我已經經歷了兩段史詩般失敗的婚姻。 我被大學退學不只一次, 而是兩次。 或許還有第三次, 但我不打算告訴你們。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use. And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail. So I'm on the right stage.
我經歷過一次戒毒療程。 我有兩段美好的居家休假—— 在監獄裡。 我很適合這個舞台不是嗎。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit, is that my daughter died the day she was born, and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet. After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless, living under an overpass in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss that some of us encounter along the way. Maybe all of us, if you live long enough. You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits, because they start out as us. So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there: daughter, wife, mother, scholar. And the dream of being a writer was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.
但真正的理由, 我想,是因為我是個不適應環境的人。 我女兒在她出生當天去世, 而我還不知道要如何面對這件事。 在我女兒去世後, 我有很長一段時間無家可歸, 住在天橋下, 沉溺在一種行屍走肉般的悲痛 和失去所有的沉重情緒中, 那是我們部分人會經歷的過程。 也許我們所有人都會經歷——如果你活得夠長。 你知道,無家可歸者是最英勇的異類, 因為他們和我們有著一樣的開始。 所以你可以發現,我幾乎無法良好地適應 在這當中所有的角色: 女兒、妻子、母親、學生。 而成為作家的夢想 一直都如此悲傷而渺小, 讓我感覺如鯁在喉。
It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane and flew to New York City, where the writers are. Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing. I can pick you out of a room. At first, you would've loved it. You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet, and these guys went and found them for you. You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel, where you got to drink Scotch late in the night with cool, smart, swank people. And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too. And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents at very, very fancy lunches and dinners. Ask me how fancy.
我不由自主地上了那架飛機, 並且飛到了紐約市, 那些作家所在的地方。 各位異類, 我幾乎可以看到你們頭上的光芒。 我可以把你們從這裡認出來。 一開始,你們會喜歡的。 你得到機會, 可以選擇三位你最想會見的知名作家, 然後他們會為你找到那些作家。 你被安置在格拉梅西公園酒店, 在那裡你可以喝蘇格蘭威士忌 直到深夜, 和一群酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭的人一起, 而你也要裝作自己很酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭。 接著,你要去會見許多編輯、作家與著作經紀人, 在非常、非常豪華別緻的午餐和晚餐廳中。 問問我有多豪華。
Audience: How fancy?
(觀眾):有多豪華?
Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --
我現在要來自首: 我偷了三條亞麻餐巾——
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
from three different restaurants. And I shoved a menu down my pants.
來自三間不同的餐廳。 我還塞了一份菜單到我的褲子裡。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home, I could believe it had really happened to me. You know?
我只是想要一些紀念品, 所以當我回家之後, 我可以相信這一切 真的曾經發生在我身上過。 你知道嗎?
The three writers I wanted to meet were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan. These were not famous, best-selling authors, but to me, they were women-writer titans. Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible. Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world. And Peggy Phelan reminded me that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs. They weren't mainstream women writers, but they were cutting a path through the mainstream with their body stories, I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.
我所想會見的三名作家 是卡羅爾.馬索、琳恩.提爾曼、佩姬.菲蘭。 這些並不是有名的暢銷作家, 但對我來說,她們是女性作家中的翹楚。 卡羅爾.馬索寫的書成為了我心目中的藝術聖經。 琳恩.提爾曼讓我相信 我的故事有機會成為這個世界的一部分。 而佩姬.菲蘭提醒我 或許我的大腦比我的胸部更重要。 她們不是主流女性作家, 但是她們用自身故事 從主流裡另闢蹊徑。 我喜歡思考, 想要知道流水是如何切出大峽谷的。
It nearly killed me with joy to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers. And the reason it nearly killed me with joy is that I'd never known a joy like that. I'd never been in a room like that. My mother never went to college. And my creative career to that point was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing. So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there. I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful." Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.
和這三名超過五十歲的女作家相談—— 這種喜悅感幾乎讓我無法自拔。 而讓我無法自拔的原因是 我從不知道有這樣一種喜悅。 我從沒有待在這樣一種房間。 我母親沒有上過大學。 從這一點上來說,我的創作生涯, 只是個渺小、卑微、胎死腹中的東西。 所以我幾乎想要死在紐約, 因為那些充滿初體驗的美好夜晚。 就像是「殺了我吧, 太好了,這實在是太美好了。」 你們一部分人 會理解接下來發生的事。
First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press. I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there. The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time, trying to convince me I had a book in me about my life as a swimmer. You know, like a memoir. The whole time he was talking to me, I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot, with my arms crossed over my chest, while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat. So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder like a swim coach might. And he wished me luck and he gave me some free books and he showed me out the door.
首先,他們把我帶到法勒、 斯特勞斯和吉魯的辦公室。 法勒、斯特勞斯和吉魯 是我的夢想中的出版社。 艾略特的詩集和 弗蘭納里.奧康納的小說都在那裡出版。 那裡的主編請我坐下 並和我談了許久。 他試圖說服我寫一本書, 有關身為游泳選手的我的人生。 你知道,就像本回憶錄。 他對我說話的過程中, 我坐在那,雙手環抱胸前, 不停傻笑、點頭像個傻瓜。 然而我並沒有開口說出任何 任何一個字。 所以到了最後, 他拍了拍我的肩膀, 就像個游泳教練一樣, 他祝我好運。 然後他給了我一些免費的書籍, 指引我從何離開。
Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton, where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building just for wearing Doc Martens. But that didn't happen. Being at the Norton offices felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos. I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me. You get it? Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith, leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!" See, now most people, especially TED people, would have run to the mailbox, right? It took me over a decade to even imagine putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.
接著,他們將我帶到 W.W.諾頓的辦公室, 我相當肯定,龐克打扮的我, 會有人一起陪同前往。 然而這並沒有發生。 待在諾頓的辦公室裡, 感覺就像在夜空中伸手觸碰月亮的美好, 而宇宙中的星星正閃爍著編織我的名字。 我的意思是, 這對我來說是多麼了不起的一件事。 你能明白嗎? 他們的主編,卡羅爾.霍克史密斯, 在我面前傾身, 用明亮、熱烈、犀利的目光, 告訴我: 「馬上把你的一些作品寄給我!」 看吧,大部分的人 尤其是來到TED這裡的人 會馬上衝去郵箱,對吧? 我簡直難以想像把一些我寫的東西 放入信封再舔一下郵票會是什麼樣子。
On the last night, I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club. And at the end of the reading, Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency, walked straight up to me and shook my hand and offered me representation, like, on the spot. I stood there and I kind of went deaf. Has this ever happened to you? And I almost started crying because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully, and all that came out of my mouth was: "I don't know. I have to think about it." And she said, "OK, then," and walked away. All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...
在紐約的最後一晚, 我在全國詩歌社裡 參加了一場讀書會。 讀書會結束時, 凱德出版社的凱瑟琳.凱德 和霍伊特與皮卡德著作經紀人 徑直地走向我,與我握手, 並且當場提供給我代理權。 我呆立著,突然聾了。 你們經歷過這種事嗎? 我幾乎要哭出來了。 因為整個房間的人 穿著都是如此華麗, 然後從我口中說出的卻是: 「我不知道,讓我考慮一下。」 然後她說了「當然。」 便離開了。 儘管機會之門對我一次次敞開, 我仍舊如鯁在喉,無法說出口……
You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me. Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes or choose the big thing, even when it's right in front of us. It's a shame we carry. It's the shame of wanting something good. It's the shame of feeling something good. It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room with the people we admire.
你現在知道了, 我在說的是那些和我一樣的人。 異類 - 我們不知道如何期待, 甚至不會開口説一個「好」 也不知道去選擇那些「大好事」。 就算那些機會明擺在我們面前。 這是我們無法擺脫的一種恥辱。 這是一種想得到美好的東西的恥辱。 這是一種感受到美好的東西的恥辱。 這是一種,不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個屋簷下的恥辱。 這是一種,不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個房間裡的恥辱。
If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself. I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me. I'd teach myself how to want things, how to stand up, how to ask for them. I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too." The radiance falls on all of us, and we are nothing without each other. Instead, I flew back to Oregon, and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view, I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself." I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer. What I'm saying is, I flew back to Oregon without a book deal, without an agent, and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories of having sat so near the beautiful writers. Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.
如果可以, 我想回到過去。 像那些曾經幫助過我的 五十歲女人一樣,告訴自己, 我可以去追求想要的東西, 我可以向前站出去, 可以要求得到那些屬於我的東西。 我會說:「你,對就是你! 你值得站在這裡!」 我們容光煥發, 沒有了其他人,我們什麼也不是。 可現實卻是, 我飛回了俄勒岡。 當我看著雨打在常青樹上時, 我只是試圖喝酒澆愁。 我會想,如果我是個作家, 我也會是作家中的異類。 我想說的是, 我沒有簽下任何一個出版書約, 只是隻身一人回到了俄勒岡, 沒有著作經紀人, 只有滿滿的美好回憶。 我曾那麼地靠近, 和那些出色的作家站在一起。 這些回憶, 是我留給自己的唯一獎勵。
And yet, at home in the dark, back in my underwear, I could still hear their voices. They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up or change your story." They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell." They said, "Sometimes telling the story is the thing that saves your life."
然而,當我回到家中的一片黑暗, 穿回我的內衣時, 我仍然聽得到他們的聲音。 他們說,「別聽那些想叫你閉嘴的人的話。」 「不要讓他們改變你的故事。」 他們說,「把這些故事說出來, 表達只有你知道的這些感受。」 他們說,「有時候,能夠改變你的人生的, 只是講述一個故事。」 他們說,「有時候,能夠改變你的人生的, 只是講述一個故事。」
Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50. And I'm a writer. And I'm a mother. And I became a teacher. Guess who my favorite students are. Although it didn't happen the day that dream letter came through my mailbox, I did write a memoir, called "The Chronology of Water." In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self from the ruins of my choices, the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals to something beautiful. All I had to do was give voice to the story.
現在,就在你眼前, 我是個五十多歲的女人了。 而我是位作家。 我也是位母親。 然後我又成為了一位老師。 猜猜我最喜愛的學生是誰? 雖然這並沒有發生在 那封夢幻般的信件 抵達我郵箱的那一天, 我的確寫了本回憶錄, 叫做《似水年華》。 故事內容是關於 我如何從一團糟的人生選擇岔路裡 一次次不斷地重生。 講述的是 有關於我那些表面上糟透了的失敗 最終如何奇蹟般通往美好的路途。 我所需要做的唯一一件事情 就是把故事說出口,賦予它們生命。
There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams. It's called the hero's journey. But I prefer a different myth, that's slightly to the side of that or underneath it. It's called the misfit's myth. And it goes like this: even at the moment of your failure, right then, you are beautiful. You don't know it yet, but you have the ability to reinvent yourself endlessly. That's your beauty.
許多文化中 都有一種「追逐夢想」的神話傳說。 那可以稱為勇者的旅途。 但是, 我更喜歡另外一種神話。 一種有別於傳統的、 不為人知的神話。 那是「異類的傳說」。 過程是像這樣子的: 就算在你陷落於低谷的失敗中, 在那個挫折的當下,你也是耀眼的。 那時的你 或許不會意識到, 無止盡地 試圖絕地重生的你, 也是耀眼的。 那是獨屬於你的美。
You can be a drunk, you can be a survivor of abuse, you can be an ex-con, you can be a homeless person, you can lose all your money or your job or your husband or your wife, or the worst thing of all, a child. You can even lose your marbles. You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure and still, I'm only here to tell you, you are so beautiful. Your story deserves to be heard, because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit, you new species, are the only one in the room who can tell the story the way only you would. And I'd be listening.
你可以酗酒, 你可以從虐待中逃脫, 你可以有犯罪前科, 你可以是無家可歸的人, 你可以失去所有財產、工作 或是你的伴侶, 甚至是全天下最糟糕的事情—— 失去了孩子。 甚至失去了你最珍貴的東西。 你可以孤立在失敗的正中心, 然而,我在這裡要告訴你, 你如此美好。 你的故事值得被聽見, 因為你是稀有而獨一無二的, 你是與眾不同的。 你是這個地方的「唯一」, 用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。 用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。 而我會用心聆聽。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)