I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
我今天在這裡想談談一個令人不安的問題 它有個同樣令人不安的答案 我的題目是家庭暴力的秘密 我將要談到的問題 每個人都在問: 為什麼她要繼續留著? 為什麼會有人要留在打她的男人身邊? 我不是心理學家、社工 或家庭暴力的專家 我只是位有個故事可說的女性
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.
當年我22歲,剛從哈佛畢業 我搬到紐約進行人生第一份工作 是Seventeen雜誌(青少年雜誌)的作家和編輯 我擁有我第一間公寓 第一張信用卡 而且我個很大的秘密 我的秘密是,我曾經被這支槍 被我自認的靈魂伴侶 裝進中空彈並瞄準我的頭部 很多、很多次 我愛這個男人勝過地球上所有的人 但他拿著槍抵著我的頭,威脅說要殺我 次數多到我都數不清了 我在這要告訴你「瘋狂之愛」的故事 是心理的陷阱偽裝成愛 讓數百萬的女性甚至一些男性 年年陷入不可自拔 這甚至可能也是你的故事
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)
我看起來不像一位典型的家暴生還者 我擁有哈佛大學英文系的學士學位 華頓商學院的商業管理碩士學位 我幾乎都在世界前500大的公司工作 包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報 我嫁給我第二任丈夫已快20年了 我們有三個小孩 有一隻黑拉不拉多犬 我開本田Odyssey小箱型車 (笑聲)
So my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone -- all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
我要講的第一件事是 家庭暴力會發生在所有人身上 所有種族、信仰、職業和教育程度 它無所不在 而我想讓大家思考的第二件事是 大家都認為家庭暴力只發生在女性身上 是件女性議題 其實並不然 超過百分之85的施暴者為男性 而家庭暴力只發生在親密、相互依存且長期的關係中 換句話說,是在家庭內 是我們最不希望、或期待看到暴力的地方 這也是家庭暴力令人困惑的地方
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
我很想告訴你,我是世界上最不可能 在先生打我時還留在他身邊的人 但事實上,由於我的年紀,我是位典型的受害者 我當時22歲,而在美國 16到24歲的女性成為家暴受害者的機率 是其它年紀的女性的三倍 是其他年紀的女性的三倍 這個年齡中,美國每年有超過500位的女性 被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害 被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
我成為典型的受害者也因為 我對家庭暴力的警訊和模式一無所知
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.
我在濕冷的一月夜晚遇見康納 他在紐約地下鐵坐在我旁邊 並開始與我閒聊 他告訴我兩件事 第一,他也才剛從長春藤盟校畢業 他在華爾街一家極知名的銀行上班 但讓我在這第一次會面裡最印象深刻的是 他很聰明且幽默 他看起來很純樸 他有著圓通通的紅臉頰 褐黃色頭髮 他看起來也很窩心
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.
從一開始,康納做得最聰明的一件事 是創造出一個假象 讓我成為這感情中的主導者 為達到這個目的,自一開始 他就特別的崇拜我 我們開始約會,他喜歡我的一切 他覺得我很聰明、我讀過哈佛 我對於幫助青少年女性和工作都很有熱情 他想知道關於我家庭的一切 我的童年,對未來的希望與夢想 身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的 身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任 是所有人中前所未有的 他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍 他也透過傾訴秘密 創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍 他說他從很小,四歲開始 他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴 他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴 這情況嚴重到他在八年級時必須輟學 即使他很聰明 他說他花了近20年重建人生 這也是為什麼長春藤盟校 華爾街的工作和前程似錦的未來 對他而言十分重要 如果當時有人告訴我 這位聰明、幽默、體貼並愛慕我的男人 有一天會主宰我是否要化妝 穿多短的裙子 住哪裡、做什麼工作 我的朋友是誰、我要在哪過聖誕節 我會笑你 因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象 因為從一開始 康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象 我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步 我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步 是要引誘並吸引受害者
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce, "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises." Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.
我也不曉得第二步是要孤立受害者 康納當然沒有突然某天回家宣布 "嘿!這場羅密歐與茱麗葉的戀愛很棒 但我必須向下一步邁進 我必須孤立你並施暴於你" (笑聲) "所以我必須要讓你遷出這間公寓 因為鄰居會聽見你的尖叫 也要搬出這城市,這樣你的朋友、家人和同事 才看不到你身上的瘀青" 某周五晚上康納回家後 告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作 告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作 他說他辭職是因為我的緣故 因為我讓他感到安全並且被愛 他不需要再到華爾街去證明自己的能力 他只想要離開這個城市 遠離他暴力的、不正常的原生家庭 搬到新英格蘭的小鎮 在那裡與我一起開始他的新生活 當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作 當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作 但我想,人會為了靈魂伴侶而做出犧牲 所以我同意了,我辭掉我的工作 而康納和我一起離開曼哈頓 我一點也不曉得我正陷入瘋狂之愛 我正一頭栽進一個經過小心盤算 是身體、財務與心理的陷阱
The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
家庭暴力模式中的下一步 是引入暴力的威脅 並觀察女性的反應 槍就是在這時出現的 當我們一搬到新英格蘭 一個康納應該要感到十分安全的地方 他買了三把槍 他把一把放在車子前側的置物櫃 一把放在我們床上枕頭的下面 第三把放在口袋裡隨身攜帶 他說他需要這些槍 是因為他童年時經歷的創傷 他需要它們才能感到受到保護 但那些槍其實對我是件警訊 即使他從沒對我動手 每時每刻,我的生命已經充滿危機
Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.
康納第一次對我肢體攻擊 是在婚禮前五天 那時是早上7點,我還穿著睡衣 我在電腦前工作,試著完成一份寫作的案子 我那時有些沮喪 康納拿我的憤怒做為藉口 將他雙手掐住我的頸部 掐得很用力以至於我不能呼吸或尖叫 他勒著我脖子 抓著我的頭去不斷撞牆 五天後,我脖子上的十隻指印已散去 我穿上我母親的婚紗 嫁給了他
Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.
即使發生了那件事 我當時相信我們仍會過著幸福快樂的日子 因為我愛他,他也深愛著我 而且他也非常、非常後悔 他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力 他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力 這是單一個案 他不會再傷害我
It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
這樣的事情在蜜月又發生了兩次 第一次,我正在開車找尋秘密海灘 我迷路了 他用力地揍我的側邊頭部 用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗 用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗 幾天之後,從蜜月開車回來時 他又因為塞車而生氣 把冷掉的大麥克堡往我臉上丟 在我們接下來兩年半的婚姻中 康納持續的以一週一或兩次的頻率打我
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.
我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援 我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援 三位美國女性的其中一位 在生命中會經歷過家暴或被跟蹤 疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊 疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐 1,500萬名啊 所以我其實並不孤單
Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.
回到我的問題 為何我仍然留下來? 答案很簡單 我並不知道他在對我施暴 即使他拿著那些裝上子彈的槍對著我的頭 把我推下樓梯 威脅要殺我們的狗 在我開高速公路時把車鑰匙拔下 當我正在為工作面試而打扮時 把咖啡渣倒在我頭上 我從來不認為我是位受折磨的妻子 反而,我認為我是位堅強的女性 與一位大有問題的男人相愛 而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人 而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題 回到正軌的人
The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
另一個大家都會問的問題是 為什麼她不離開? 為什麼我仍留著?我隨時都可以走啊 對我而言,這是人們所問最令我最悲傷、痛苦的問題 因為我們受害者知道一些你們通常不了解的事: 離開施暴者是件非常危險的事 因為家暴模式中的最後一步 是殺害被害者 超過百分之70的家暴謀殺案 發生在受害者決定結束雙方關係之後 是在她離開之後 因為加害者此時已無所顧忌 離開後另外的結果包括長期跟蹤 即使加害者已再婚 或斷絕財務資源 以及操弄家庭法庭制度 讓被害者及其子女感到恐懼 因為家庭法官經常會強迫這些子女 在沒有監控的情形下 與毆打他們母親的加害者共處 但我們仍然會問,為什麼她不離開?
I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.
我最後終於離開 是因為最後一場殘暴的毆打 讓我再也無法自我否認 我了解我若不採取手段 這位我所深愛的男人將會殺害我 所以我打破沉默 我告訴所有人 警察、鄰居 朋友、家人和陌生人 我現在之所以能在這裡,是因為你們都幫助過我
We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.
我們對受害者常有刻板印象 像是驚悚的頭條新聞 自我毀滅性的女性或像被毀壞的物品 這個問題:為什麼她仍留著? 對某些人有這層含意:她留著是她的錯 好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛 好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛
But since publishing "Crazy Love," I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives -- as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me. Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.
但自從出版《瘋狂之愛》後 我聽到了上百個男人或女人的故事 他們也離開家暴 從這件事中學到寶貴的生命教訓 並重建快樂、美滿的人生 成為職員、妻子和母親 再也不受暴力威脅,像我一樣 由於我是個典型的家暴受害者 也是典型的家暴生還者 我後來嫁給了一位善良且溫柔的男人 我們有三個小孩 我有黑拉不拉多犬、和小廂型車 而我再也不會碰上的 永遠不會 是被嘴上說愛我的男人 拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部 是被嘴上說愛我的男人 拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部
Right now, maybe you're thinking, "Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she," but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
現在,也許你在想 "哇!好棒" 或"哇!她以前真是愚蠢" 但自始至終,我其實是在說你 我向你保證,現在有許多的聽眾 我向你保證,現在有許多的聽眾 正在被家暴 或幼年曾經被施暴 或他們自己是施暴者 家暴可能正在影響你的女兒 姊妹、最好的朋友
I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事 我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事 我至今仍然持續地打破沉默 這是我幫助受害者的方式 而這是我對你們的最後的要求 把你們今天聽到的故事告訴別人 沉默只會助長暴力 若你能讓家暴曝光 就有能力結束家暴 我們受害者需要每個人 我們需要你們了解 家庭暴力的秘密 透過談論家暴以讓大家了解 與你的孩子、同事 朋友和家庭談談 重新讓生還者有個美滿、討人喜愛的形象 並有燦爛的未來 了解家暴早期的徵兆 並持續地介入 降低危險並讓受害者知道有安全離開的餘地 若我們一起努力,可以讓我們的床 晚餐桌和家庭 成為安全、安祥的綠洲
Thank you.
謝謝
(Applause)
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