I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
Danas sam ovde da bih govorila o jednom uznemiravajućem pitanju na koje je odgovor podjednako uznemiravajući. Moja tema su tajne nasilja u porodici, a pitanje kojim ću se baviti je pitanje koje svako od nas redovno postavi: zašto ona i dalje ostaje? Zašto bi ijedna žena ostajala sa muškarcem koji je bije? Nisam psihijatar, socijalni radnik, niti ekspert za nasilje u porodici. Ja sam samo žena sa pričom.
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.
Imala sam 22 godine. Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu. Preselila sam se u Njujork zbog svog prvog posla kao pisac i urednik magazina Seventeen. Imala sam svoj prvi stan, imala sam svoju prvu kreditnu karticu i imala sam jednu veliku tajnu. Moja tajna je bila da mi je čovek koga sam smatrala srodnom dušom držao pištolj napunjen mecima uz glavu mnogo, mnogo puta. Čovek koga sam volela najviše na svetu držao mi je pištolj uz glavu i pretio da će me ubiti više puta nego što mogu da se setim. Ovde sam da vam ispričam priču o jednoj ludoj ljubavi, o jednoj psihološkoj zamci prerušenoj u ljubav, zamci u koju milioni žena i muškaraca upadaju svake godine. Možda je to i vaša priča.
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)
Ne izgledam kao većina žena koje su preživele porodično nasilje. Diplomirala sam engleski na Harvardu i imam titulu mastera iz marketinga Poslovne škole Vorton. Veći deo karijere provela sam radeći za kompanije koje su među 500 najboljih u Americi, uključujući Džonson i Džonson, Lio Barnet i Vašington post. U braku sam skoro 20 godina sa svojim drugim mužem i imamo troje dece. Imam psa, crnog labradora i vozim kombi Honda Odisej.
So my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone -- all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
(Smeh) Dakle, moja prva poruka za vas jeste da se nasilje u porodici dešava svima - bez obzira na rasu, religiju, prihod, obrazovanje. Ono je svuda. Moja druga poruka je da svi misle da se nasilje u porodici dešava ženama, da je to problem žena. A to nije baš tako. Preko 85 procenata zlostavljača su muškarci, a ova vrsta nasilja se dešava isključivo u prisnim, međuzavisnim, dugoročnim vezama, drugom rečju, u porodici, a to je poslednje mesto gde bismo želeli ili očekivali da se susretnemo s nasiljem,
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
upravo zbog toga je nasilje u porodici toliko zbunjujuće. Rekla bih da sam poslednja osoba na planeti koja bi ostala s muškarcem koji je bije, ali sam u stvari bila veoma uobičajena žrtva zbog svojih godina. Imala sam 22 godine, a žene između 16 i 24 godine u Americi su u tri puta većoj opasnosti da postanu žrtve porodičnog nasilja od žena druge starosti i preko 500 žena i devojaka ove starosti biva ubijeno u Americi svake godine od strane svojih
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
partnera i muževa koji ih zlostavljaju. Ja sam takođe bila veoma uobičajena žrtva zato što nisam znala ništa
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.
o nasilju u porodici, znacima upozorenja ili obrascima ponašanja. Konora sam upoznala jedne hladne, kišne, januarske noći. Seo je pored mene u njujorškom metrou i započeo razgovor. Rekao mi je dve stvari. Prva je bila da je i on upravo završio jedan od najprestižnijih univerziteta u Americi i da trenutno radi u jednoj veoma impresivnoj banci na Volstritu. Ali ono što je na mene ostavilo najveći utisak prilikom tog prvog susreta bilo je to što je bio pametan i zabavan i što je izgledao kao dečko sa sela. Imao je velike obraze, nalik jabukama i kosu boje pšenice
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.
i delovao je jako fino. Jedna od najpametnijih stvari koje je Konor uradio od samog početka bila je to što je stvorio iluziju da sam ja dominantan partner u našem odnosu. Na početku je ovo radio obožavajući me. Počeli smo da izlazimo i on je voleo sve u vezi sa mnom, to što sam bila pametna, što sam išla na Harvard, moju strast ka pomaganju tinejdžerkama i strast prema svom poslu. Želeo je da zna sve o mojoj porodici, detinjstvu, snovima i nadama. Konor je verovao u mene, kako u pisca tako i u ženu, na način na koji niko drugi do tada nije. On je takođe stvorio magičnu atmosferu poverenja među nama poveravajući mi svoju tajnu da ga je kao dečaka, od njegove četvrte godine, zverski i neprestano fizički zlostavljo njegov očuh i da je to zlostavljanje postalo toliko loše da je morao da napusti školu u osmom razredu iako je bio veoma pametan i skoro 20 godina proveo je gradeći svoj život iznova. To je bi razlog zašto su mu diploma jednog od najprestižnijih univerziteta, posao na Volstritu i njegova blistava budućnost toliko značili. Da ste mi rekli da će ovaj pametan, zabavan, osećajan čovek koji me je obožavao jednog dana odlučivati da li ću se šminkati ili ne, koliko će biti duga moja suknja, gde živim, šta radim, ko su mi prijatelji i gde provodim Božić, ismejala bih vas, jer nije bilo ni znaka nasilničkog ponašanja ili kontrolisanja ili besa u Konoru na početku. Nisam znala da je prva faza u bilo kom odnosu koji uključuje nasilje u porodici
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce, "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises." Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.
zavođenje i šarmiranje žrtve. Takođe nisam znala da je drugi korak izdvajanje žrtve. Konor nije došao kući jednog dana i izjavio: "Znaš, sve ovo s Romeom i Julijom što smo imali je bilo super, ali moram da krenem dalje i sada ću da te odvojim od društva i zlostavljam", (Smeh) "tako da te molim da napustiš ovaj stan gde komšije mogu da te čuju kako vrištiš i da odemo iz ovog grada gde imaš prijatelje i porodicu i kolege koje mogu da vide modrice." Umesto toga, Konor je došao kući u petak uveče jednog dana i rekao mi da je taj dan napustio svoj posao, svoj posao iz snova, i rekao je da je učinio to zbog mene, jer se sa mnom osećao toliko sigurno i voljeno da nije više morao da se dokazuje na Volstritu i da sada samo želi da napusti grad, ode daleko od svoje disfunkcionalne porodice koja ga je zlostavljala i preseli se u mali grad u Novoj Engleskoj gde će započeti svoj život sa mnom. Poslednja stvar koju sam želela da uradim bila je da napustim Njujork i svoj posao iz snova, ali sam mislila da se ljudi žrtvuju zarad svoje srodne duše, pa sam pristala i napustila posao i Konor i ja smo napustili Menheten zajedno. Nisam imala pojma da me čeka jedna luda ljubav, da sam upravo ušetala u pažljivo isplaniranu
The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
fizičku, finansijsku i psihološku zamku. Sledeći korak u porodičnom nasilju je uvođenje straha od nasilja i osmatranje reakcije. I tu su na scenu došli pištolji. Čim smo se preselili u Novu Englesku - znate, ono mesto gde je Konor trebalo da se oseća sigurnim - kupio je tri pištolja. Jedan je držao u pretincu u kolima. Drugi je držao pod jastukom u našem krevetu, a treći je sve vreme nosio sa sobom u džepu. I rekao je da su mu ta tri pištolja bila potrebna zbog traume koju je preživeo kao dečak. Bili su mu potrebni da bi se osećao zaštićeno. Ali ti pištolji su u stvari bili poruka za mene, da je, iako nije podigao ruku na mene, moj život svakog minuta, svakog dana bio u smrtnoj opasnosti.
Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.
Konor me je prvi put fizički napao pet dana pre našeg venčanja. Bilo je 7 sati ujutru i još sam bila u spavaćici. Radila sam na svom kompjuteru pokušavajući da završim honorarni tekst i nervirala sam se i Konor je iskoristio moj bes kao izgovor da obe svoje ruke stavi oko mog vrata i stegne toliko jako da nisam mogla da ni da dišem ni da vrištim i držao me je tako udarajući mi glavu o zid iznova i iznova. Pet dana kasnije, deset modrica na mom vratu je tek izbledelo i obukla sam venčanicu svoje majke i udala sam se za njega.
Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.
Uprkos onome što se desilo, bila sam sigurna da ćemo živeti srećno do kraja jer sam ga volela i on me je mnogo voleo. A njemu je bilo veoma, veoma žao. Bio je pod velikim stresom zbog venčanja i zbog toga što ćemo postati porodica. Bio je to izolovani incident i nikada me više neće povrediti.
It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
Uradio je to još dva puta na našem medenom mesecu. Prvi put sam vozila pokušavajući da pronađem skrivenu plažu i izgubila sam se, udario mi je glavu tolikom jačinom sa strane da mi je glava nekoliko puta udarila u prozor s druge strane. Nekoliko dana kasnije, u povratku sa medenog meseca, iznervirao se zbog saobraćaja i bacio mi je hladan Big Mek u lice. Konor je nastavio da me bije jednom ili dva puta nedeljno sledeće dve i po godine našeg braka.
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.
Grešila sam kada sam mislila da sam jedina i sama u ovoj situaciji. Jedna od tri žene u Americi je žrtva nasilja u porodici ili uhođenja u nekom trenutku života. Državni zdravstveni centar tvrdi da je 15 miliona dece zlostavljano svake godine, 15 miliona. Dakle, u stvari, bila sam u veoma dobrom društvu.
Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.
Da se vratim na sopstveno pitanje: zašto sam ostala? Odgovor je jednostavan. Nisam znala da me zlostavlja. Iako je prislanjao napunjen pištolj uz moju glavu, gurnuo me niz stepenice, pretio da će ubiti našeg psa, izvukao ključ iz brave dok sam vozila autoputem, prosuo mi mlevenu kafu po glavi kada sam bila obučena za razgovor na posao, nikada za sebe nisam pomislila da sam ja zlostavljana žena. Umesto toga, bila sam veoma jaka žena, zaljubljena u čoveka sa velikim problemima i bila sam jedina osoba na planeti koja je mogla da pomogne Konoru da se suoči sa svojim demonima.
The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
Drugo pitanje koje svako pita je: zašto ona prosto ne ode? Zašto nisam otišla? Mogla sam da odem u bilo kom trenutku. Za mene, ovo je najtužnije i najbolnije pitanje koje mi ljudi postavljaju, zato što mi žrtve znamo nešto što vi uglavnom ne znate: neverovatno je opasno napustiti zlostavljača. Zato što je krajnji korak u šablonu porodičnog nasilja da muškarac ubije ženu. Preko 70 procenata ubistava u slučaju porodičnog nasilja dešava se nakon što je žrtva okončala vezu i izvukla se jer tada zlostavljač nema više šta da izgubi. Drugi ishodi su dugoročno uhođenje, čak iako se zlostavljač ponovo oženi; odbijanje pristupa finansijskim sredstvima; manipulacija sistema porodičnog suda kako bi se zastrašili žrtva i njena deca, koju uobičajeno sudije prisiljavaju da bez nadzora provode vreme s čovekom koji je tukao njihovu majku.
I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.
Ali i dalje, mi pitamo, zašto ona prosto ne ode? Ja sam uspela da odem, zbog jednog konačnog, sadističkog prebijanja koje je pobedilo moje poricanje. Shvatila sam da će čovek koga sam toliko volela da me ubije ako mu to dozvolim. Nisam više ćutala. Rekla sam svima: policiji, komšijama, mojim prijateljima i porodici, potpunim strancima
We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.
i evo me danas ovde, zato što ste mi svi vi pomogli. Imamo običaj da stvaramo stereotipe o žrtvama kao što su grozne titule, samodestruktivna žena, oštećena roba. Pitanje: "Zašto ona ostaje?", za neke ljude istovremeno znači: "Ona je kriva što ostaje", kao da žrtve namerno biraju da se zaljube u muškarce
But since publishing "Crazy Love," I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives -- as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me. Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.
odlučne da ih unište. Ali od objavljivanja "Lude ljubavi" čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena koji su se takođe izvukli, koji su naučili neprocenjivu životnu lekciju iz onoga što se desilo i koji su iznova izgradili svoje živote - radosne, srećne živote - kao radnice, žene i majke, bez nasilja u životu, kao i ja. Ispostavilo se da sam ja, u stvari, veoma uobičajena žrtva porodičnog nasilja i veoma tipična osoba koja je preživela to nasilje. Udala sam se za ljubaznog i nežnog čoveka i imamo ono troje dece koje sam spomenula. Imam crnog labradora i mali kombi. Ono što nikada, nikada više neću imati, je da neko ko tvrdi da me voli
Right now, maybe you're thinking, "Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she," but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
drži napunjeni pištolj prislonjen uz moju glavu. Možda upravo sada mislite: "O, ovo je fascinantno", ili "o, kako je ona bila glupa", ali sve ovo vreme, ja sam u stvari govorila o vama. Obećavam vam da ima nekoliko ljudi koji me upravo slušaju, a koji su trenutno žrtve nasilja ili koji su bili zlostavljani kao deca ili koji su sami zlostavljači. U ovom trenutku žrtve zlostavljanja mogu biti vaša ćerka,
I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
vaša sestra, vaš najbolji prijatelj. Uspela sam da okončam svoju ludu ljubavnu priču time što više nisam ćutala. I ne ćutim ni danas. Ovo je moj način da pomognem drugim žrtvama i to je poslednja stvar koju ću tražiti od vas. Govorite o onome što ste čuli ovde. Zlostavljanje uspeva samo u tišini. Vi imate moć da okončate nasilje u porodici prostim otkrivanjem činjenice da ono postoji. Nama žrtvama su svi potrebni. Potrebno nam je da svako od vas shvati tajne porodičnog nasilja. Isterajte zlostavljanje na svetlost dana tako što ćete pričati o njemu s vašom decom, vašim saradnicima, vašim prijateljima i porodicom. Predstavite preživele kao divne ljude, vredne ljubavi, sa budućnošću pred njima. Prepoznajte rane znake nasilja i savesno se umešajte, sprečite i pokažite žrtvama bezbedan izlaz. Zajedno možemo naše krevete, trpezarijske stolove i naše porodice
Thank you.
da napravimo bezbednim i mirnim oazama koje bi to i trebalo da budu.
(Applause)
Hvala vam.