I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
Danes sem tu, da bi govorila o skrb vzbujajočem vprašanju, ki ima prav tako skrb vzbujajoč odgovor. Moja tema so skrivnosti nasilja v družini in vprašanje, ki se ga bom lotila, je to, ki si ga vsi vedno postavljajo: "Zakaj ostaja?" Zakaj bi kdo sploh ostal z moškim, ki te pretepa? Nisem psihiatrinja, socialna delavka ali strokovnjak za nasilje v družini. Sem le ženska z zgodbo.
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.
Stara sem bila 22. Ravno sem diplomirala s kolidža Harvard. Preselila sem se v New York, kjer je bila moja prva služba, bila sem avtorica in urednica pri reviji "Seventeen". Imela sem svoje prvo stanovanje, svojo prvo zeleno kartico American Express in imela sem zelo veliko skrivnost. Moja skrivnost je bila, da je ob mojo glavo držal to pištolo s kroglami s prazno konico moški, za katerega sem mislil, da je moja sorodna duša. Zelo zelo pogosto. Človek, ki sem ga ljubila bolj kot kogarkoli na Zemlji, mi je ob glavo prislonil pištolo in mi grozil, da me bo ubil. Večkrat kot sploh pomnim. Tu sem, da vam povem zgodbo o nori ljubezni, o psihološki pasti, ki je bila zakrinkana kot ljubezen, o pasti, v katero vsako leto pade na milijon ženske in tudi nekaj moških. Morda je to tudi vaša zgodba.
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)
Nisem videti kot tipična preživela žrtev nasilja v družini. Imam diplomo iz angleščine iz Harvarda in diplomo iz marketinštva iz poslovne šole Wharton. Večino svoje kariere sem delala za podjetja iz lestvice "Fortune 500", med njimi Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett in The Washington Post. S svojim drugim možem sem poročena že skoraj 20 let in skupaj imava tri otroke. Imam črnega labradorca in vozim enoprostorca Honda Odyssey. (smeh)
So my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone -- all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
Moje prvo sporočilo za vas je, da se nasilje v družini lahko pripeti komurkoli: vsem rasam, vsem veram, vsem dohodkom in vsem stopnjam izobrazbe. Povsod je. In moje drugo sporočilo je, da vsi mislijo, da se nasilje v družini dogaja ženskam, da je to ženska težava. Ni čisto tako. Več kot 85 procentov vseh zlorab povzročijo moški in nasilje v družini se zgodi le v intimnih, med seboj odvisnih, dolgotrajnih zvezah, z drugimi besedami v družinah, ki so zadnji kraj, kjer bi hoteli ali pričakovali nasilje, kar je eden izmed razlogov, da nas nasilje v družini tako bega.
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
Sama bi vam rekla, da sem zadnji človek na Zemlji, ki bi ostal z moškim, ki bi me pretepal, a sem bila zelo tipična žrtev zaradi svoje starosti. Bila sem stara 22 in v ZDA je za ženske med 16 in 24 let trikrat bolj verjetno, da bodo žrtve nasilja v družini kot za ženske drugih let. V ZDA okoli 500 žensk in deklet te starosti vsako leto umre zaradi nasilnih partnerjev, fantov in soprogov.
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
Tipična žrtev sem bila tudi, ker nisem vedela ničesar o nasilju v družini, o njegovih svarilih ali vzorcih.
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.
Conorja sem spoznala na mrzel deževen januarski večer. Usedel se je poleg mene na newyorški podzemni in se z menoj začel pogovarjati. Povedal mi je dve stvari. Prva je bila, da je tudi on ravnokar diplomiral na prestižni šoli in da je delal v zelo vplivni banki na Wall Streetu. A na najinem prvem srečanju je največji vtis name naredilo, da je bil pameten in smešen in da je bil videti kot kmečki fant. Imel je polna lica kot jabolka in pšenično blond lase in zdel se mi je tako prijazen.
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.
Ena izmed najpametnejši reči, ki jo je Conor storil že na začetku, je bila, da je ustvaril iluzijo, da sem bila jaz dominanten partner v razmerju. To je delal predvsem na začetku, ko me je idealiziral. Začela sva hoditi in vse na meni mu je bilo všeč; da sem bila pametna, da sem hodila na Harvard, da sem bila strastna glede pomoči najstniškim dekletom in da sem imela to službo. Hotel je vedeti vse o moji družini o mojem otroštvu, o mojih upih in sanjah. Conor je vame verjel kot v pisateljico in žensko, kot ni še nobeden nikoli poprej. Med nama je tudi ustvaril čarobno atmosfero zaupanja, ko je povedal svojo skrivnost, ki je bila, da ga je že kot majhnega fantka pri štirih letih večkrat in surovo fizično zlorabil njegov pastor in da je zloraba postala tako huda, da je v osmem razredu moral pustiti šolo, čeprav je bil zelo pameten, in da je približno 20 let ponovno gradil svoje življenje. To je bil razlog, da so mu njegova prestižna diploma, njegova služba na Wall Streetu in njegova svetla prihodnost tako veliko pomenile. Če bi mi dejali, da mi bo ta pameten, zabaven in občutljiv moški, ki me je oboževal nekega dne ukazoval, ali naj nosim ličila ali ne, kako kratka so lahko moja krila, kje naj živim, katere službe lahko imam, kdo so moji prijatelji in kje lahko preživim božič, bi se vam smejala, ker v Connorju na začetku ni bilo niti trohlice nasilja, kontrole ali jeze. Nisem vedela, da je prva stopnja v kateremkoli razmerju, kjer je nasilje v družini, zapeljati in očarati žrtev.
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce, "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises." Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.
Nisem niti vedela, da je drug korak osamiti žrtev. No, Connor ni nekega dne prišel domov in naznanil: "Veš, tole Romeo in Julia zadeva je bila super, ampak moram v naslednjo fazo, v kateri te izoliram in zlorabljam." (smeh) "Moram te spraviti ven iz tega stanovanja, kjer lahko tvoje kričanje slišijo sosedje, in ven iz tega mesta, kjer imaš prijatelje in družino in sodelavce, ki lahko vidijo tvoje modrice." Namesto tega je Connor nek petkov večer prišel domov in mi rekel, da je tisti dan pustil svojo službo, svojo sanjsko službo, in rekel je, da jo je pustil zaradi mene, ker se je počutil tako varno in ljubljeno, da se ni rabil več dokazovati na Wall Streetu in si je le želel ven iz tega mesta in stran od svoje nasilne disfunkcionalne družine in se preseliti v majhno mestece v Novi Angliji, kjer bi lahko na novo začel svoje življenje z menoj ob njim. Zadnja stvar, ki sem si jo želela, je bila zapustiti New York in svojo sanjsko službo, a mislila sem, da se za svojo sorodno dušo žrtvuješ. Pristala sem in pustila svojo službo in s Connorjem sva skupaj zapustila Manhattan. Nisem vedela da se noro zaljubljam, da hodim naravnost v skrbno načrtovano fizično, finančno in psihološko past.
The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
Naslednji korak v vzorcu nasilja v družini je vpeljati grožnjo z nasiljem in videti, kako se bo odzvala. Tu pridejo na plan pištole. Takoj, ko sva se preselila v Novo Anglijo - saj veste v kraj, v katerem naj bi se Connor počutil tako varno - je kupil tri pištole. Eno je imel v predalu v najinemu avtomobilu. Eno je imel pod vzglavnikom na najini postelji in tretjo je vedno nosil v žepu. Rekel je, da potrebuje te pištole zaradi travme, ki jo je doživel kot majhen fantek. Potreboval jih je, da bi se čutil varnega. A te pištole so bile pravzaprav sporočilo meni, in, čeprav nikoli ni dvignil roke nadme, je bilo moje življenje vsako minuto vsakega dne v večji nevarnosti.
Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.
Connor me je prvič fizično napadel pet dni pred najino poroko. Ura je bila 7 zjutraj in še vedno sem bila v spalni srajci. Delala sem na računalniku in poskušala dokončati samostojni pisateljski projekt in bila sem živčna. Connor je mojo jezo uporabil za izgovor, da je obe roki ovil okrog mojega vratu in tako močno stisnil, da nisem mogla ne dihati in ne kričati. In med davljenjem je z mojo glavo večkrat udaril ob zid. Pet dni kasneje je mojih deset modric na vratu zbledelo, oblekla sem si poročno obleko moje mame in se poročila z njim.
Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.
Kljub temu, kar se je zgodilo, sem bila prepričana, da bova srečno živela do konca svojih dni, ker sem ga ljubila in on me je imel tako zelo rad. In bilo mu je zelo, zelo žal. Bil je le pod stresom zaradi poroke in zaradi tega, ker bi postal del moje družine. Bil je osamljen dogodek in nikoli več mi ne bi storil česa hudega.
It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
Še dvakrat se je zgodilo na poročnem potovanju. Prvič sem vozila avto in iskala skrito plažo in se izgubila in tako močno je udaril stran moje glave, da je moja druga stran glave večkrat udarila ob okno ob voznikovem sedežu. Nekaj dni kasneje, ko sva se vozila domov s poročnega potovanja, je postal slabe volje zaradi prometa in mi v obraz vrgel mrzel Big Mac. Conor me je še naprej pretepal nekajkrat na teden nadaljnji dve leti in pol najinega zakona.
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.
Motila sem se in mislila, da sem edina in sama v tej situaciji. Vsaka tretja američanka vsaj enkrat v življenju doživi nasilje v družini ali zalezovanje in center za zdravje poroča, da vsako leto zlorabijo 15 milijonov otrok. 15 milijonov. Pravzaprav sploh nisem bila sama.
Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.
Nazaj k mojemu vprašanju: "Zakaj sem ostala?" Odgovor je preprost. Nisem vedela, da me zlorablja. Čeprav je ob mojo glavo prislonil nabito pištolo, me potisnil po stopnicah, grozil, da bo ubil najinega psa, potegnil ključ iz vžiga, ko sem vozila po avtocesti, mi na glavo stresel kavo, ko sem se oblačila za razgovor za službo, se niti enkrat nisem videla kot zlorabljeno ženo. Namesto tega sem bila zelo močna ženska, ki je ljubila moškega, s težko preteklostjo, in ki je bila edini človek na Zemlji, ki bi Connorju lahko pomagala z njegovimi demoni.
The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
Drugo vprašanje, ki si ga vsi postavljajo, je: "Zakaj pač ne gre?" Zakaj nisem kar odšla? Kadarkoli bi lahko. Zame je to najbolj boleče in žalostno vprašanje, ki ga ljudje postavijo, ker mi žrtve vemo nekaj, česar vi po navadi ne veste: zelo nevarno je pustiti tistega, ki te zlorablja. Ker je zadnji korak v vzorcu nasilja v družini, da jo ubiješ. Več kot 70 procentov umorov, ki sledijo nasilju v družini, se zgodi po tem, ko je žrtev končala razmerje, po tem, ko je odšla, ker takrat mučitelj ne more več ničesar izgubiti. Drugi izidi so dolgotrajno zalezovanje, celo po tem, ko se mučitelj ponovno poroči, prikrivanje finančnih sredstev in manipuliranje z družinskim sodnim sistemom, da bi prestrašil žrtev in njene otroke, ki jih družinska sodišča redno prisilijo k nenadzorovanim obiskom moškega, ki je pretepal njihovo mamo. In se še vedno sprašujemo, zakaj enostavno ne odide.
I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.
Jaz sem lahko odšla, ker se je zaradi zadnjega sadističnega tepeža moje zanikanje ustavilo. Ugotovila sem, da me bo moški, ki sem ga tako močno ljubila, ubil, če mu bom to pustila. Prekinila sem molk. Vsem sem povedala: policiji, sosedom, prijateljem in družini, popolnim tujcem in danes sem tu, ker ste mi vi vsi pomagali.
We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.
Nagnjeni smo k stereotipom žrtev, kot so strahovite naslovnice, samouničujoče ženske, poškodovano blago. Vprašanje "Zakaj ostaja?" je za nekatere ljudi koda za: "Sama je kriva, da ostaja," kot da bi si žrtve namerno izbrale, da se zaljubimo v moške, ki nas nameravajo uničiti.
But since publishing "Crazy Love," I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives -- as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me. Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.
Odkar sem objavila "Noro ljubezen", sem slišala na stotine zgodb moških in žensk, ki so prav tako pobegnili, ki so se iz tega, kar se je zgodilo, naučili neprecenljivo lekcijo, in ki so na novo zgradili življenja - vesela, srečna življenja - kot uslužbenci, žene in matere, življenja popolnoma brez nasilja, kot je moje. Izkazalo se je namreč, da sem zelo tipična žrtev nasilja v družini in zelo tipična oseba, ki je preživela nasilje v družini. Poročila sem se z bodrim in nežnim moškim in imava te tri otroke. Imam črnega labradorca in enoprostorca. Nikoli več pa mi ne bo, res nikoli, ob glavo prislonila nabito pištolo oseba, ki pravi, da me ljubi.
Right now, maybe you're thinking, "Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she," but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
Zdaj si morda mislite: "Vau, to je res fascinantno," ali "Vau, kako neumna je bila," a ves ta čas sem govorila o vas. Obljubim vam, da je kar nekaj ljudi, ki me posluša in ki jih trenutno zlorabljajo, ali so jih zlorabljali kot otroke ali sami zlorabljajo. Zloraba se lahko dogaja vaši hčeri, vaši sestri, vaši najboljši prijateljici.
I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
Svojo noro ljubezensko zgodbo sem uspela zaključiti tako, da sem prekinila molk. Še danes to počnem. Tako pomagam drugim žrtvam in tu je moja zadnja prošnja za vas; pogovorite se o tem, kar ste tukaj slišali. Zloraba uspeva le v molku. Imate moč, da prekinite nasilje v družini, samo izpostaviti ga morate. Me žrtve potrebujemo vse. Vsakega izmed vas potrebujemo, da razumete skrivnosti nasilja v družini. Izpostavite ga tako, da se o njem pogovorite s svojimi otroki, s svojimi sodelavci, s svojimi prijatelji in z družino. Preživele predstavite kot čudovite očarljive ljudi z bogato prihodnostjo. Prepoznajte zgodnje znake nasilja in zavedno posredujte, zmanjšajte ga, pokažite žrtvi varen izhod. Skupaj lahko naredimo, da bodo naše postelje, naše jedilne mize in naše družine varne in mirne oaze, kot bi morale biti.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(aplavz)