I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
Danas ću vam govoriti o jednom uznemirujućem pitanju s jednako uznemirujućim odgovorom. Govorit ću o tajnama obiteljskog nasilja, a pitanje kojim ću se pozabaviti jest pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju: Zašto je ostala s njim? Zašto bi itko ostao s muškarcem koji ih tuče? Nisam psihijatrica ni socijalna radnica, ni stručnjakinja po pitanju obiteljskog nasilja. Ja sam samo obična žena s pričom.
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.
Bile su mi 22 godine. Tek sam diplomirala na Harvardu. Preselila sam se u New York i našla prvi posao kao novinarka i urednica časopisa "Seventeen". Prvi put sam imala vlastiti stan, vlastitu malu, zelenu American Express karticu i jednu ogromnu tajnu. Moja je tajna bio ovaj pištolj napunjen ćorcima koji mi je uperio u glavu čovjek kojega sam smatrala srodnom dušom, i to mnogo, mnogo puta. Čovjek kojega sam voljela više nego bilo koga na svijetu držao mi je pištolj uperen u glavu i prijetio da će me ubiti, ni ne sjećam se više koliko puta. Ovdje sam kako bih vam ispričala priču o bolesnoj ljubavi, psihološkoj zamci prerušenoj u ljubav, u koju milijuni žena, pa čak i nekolicina muškaraca, upadaju svake godine. Možda je to čak i vaša priča.
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)
Ne izgledam kao tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja. Imam diplomu iz engleskog s Harvarda, magisterij iz marketinga s Poslovne škole Wharton. Većinu karijeru provela u tvrtkama s popisa 500 najbogatijih tvrtki, uključujući Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett i Washington Post. Već dvadeset godina u braku sam sa svojim drugim suprugom i imamo troje djece. Imam crnog labradora i vozim Hondu Odyssey. (Smijeh)
So my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone -- all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
Stoga je moja prva poruka vama ta da se obiteljsko nasilje događa svima - osobama svih rasa, vjeroispovijesti, materijalnog statusa i razina obrazovanja. Ono je posvuda. Druga moja poruka vama jest ta da svi misle da se obiteljsko nasilje događa ženama, da je to žensko pitanje. To nije posve točno. Preko 85 posto zlostavljača čine muškarci, a do obiteljskog nasilja dolazi samo u intimnim, međuovisnim, dugotrajnim vezama. Drugim riječima - u obiteljima. Na posljednjem mjestu gdje bismo željeli ili očekivali naići na nasilje, što je još jedan od razloga zašto je ono toliko zbunjujuće.
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
I ja bih vam sama rekla da nikad ne bih ostala s muškarcem koji me tuče. No, zapravo sam bila tipična žrtva, i to po svojoj dobi. BIle su mi 22 godine, a u SAD-u žene u dobi od 16 do 24 godine triput su sklonije postati žrtve obiteljskog nasilja nego žene iz ostalih dobnih skupina. Preko 500 žena i djevojaka te dobi svake godine biva ubijeno od strane partnera i muževa zlostavljača u SAD-u.
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
Bila sam vrlo tipična žrtva i po tome što nisam ništa znala o obiteljskom nasilju, znacima upozorenja te o obrascima zlostavljačkog ponašanja.
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.
Conora sam upoznala jedne hladne i kišovite siječanjske večeri. Sjeo je pokraj mene na podzemnoj željeznici u New Yorku i počeo mi se nabacivati. Rekao mi je dvije stvari. Prva - i sam je tek diplomirao na uglednom fakultetu i zaposlen je u vrlo uglednoj banci na Wall Streetu. No, ono što je na mene ostavilo najsnažniji dojam nakon tog prvog sastanka jest činjenica da je bio pametan i duhovit i izgledao je kao farmer. Imao je velike obraze, velike rumene obraze i plavu kosu boje žita i činio se tako drag.
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.
Jedan od najpametnijih Conorovih poteza, koje je povlačio od samog početka jest stvaranje iluzije da sam ja ta koja dominira u vezi. Činio je to posebno na početku tako što me dizao u nebesa. Prohodali smo i činilo se da mu se sviđa sve na meni. inteligencija, pohađanje Harvarda, strast oko pomaganja tinejdžericama i oko mog posla. Želio je znati sve o mojoj obitelji, o mome djetinjstvu, mojim snovima i nadanjima. Conor je vjerovao u mene kao spisateljicu i kao ženu kao nitko drugi. Uz to je stvorio čarobnu atmosferu povjerenja između nas priznavši mi svoju tajnu: od vrlo rane dobi, od njegove četvrte godine, opetovano ga je divljački tjelesno zlostavljao njegov očuh, a to je zlostavljanje toliko eskaliralo da se ispisao iz škole u 8. razredu, usprkos visokoj inteligenciji, Gotovo 20 godina proveo je nastojeći ponovno izgraditi svoj život. Zbog toga mu ta diploma uglednog sveučilišta, posao na Wall Streetu i sjajna budućnost i jesu toliko puno značili. Da ste mi rekli da će mi taj pametni, duhoviti, nježni muškarac koji me obožavao jednog dana određivati hoću li nositi šminku, dužinu suknje, gdje živim, koje poslove radim, tko su mi prijatelji i gdje ću provoditi blagdane, nasmijala bih vam se u facu jer se ni trunčica nasilnog ponašanja, opsjednutosti kontrolom ni bijesa u početku nije nazirala u Conoru. Nisam znala da je prva faza u svakoj nasilnoj vezi zavesti i šarmirati žrtvu.
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce, "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises." Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.
Nisam znala ni da je druga faza izolirati žrtvu. Conor nije samo došao kući jednog dana i objavio mi: "Znaš što, ovo furanje na Romea i Juliju bilo je super, ali sad moram prjeći na sljedeću fazu i odsad ću te izolirati i zlostavljati" - (Smijeh) - "pa ćemo napustiti ovaj stan da te susjedi ne čuju kako vrištiš i iz ovog grada u kojem imaš prijatelje i obitelj i kolege koji bi primijetili modrice." Ne, Conor je jednog petka uvečer došao kući i rekao da je dao otkaz na poslu, a to je bio njegov posao iz snova, i rekao mi da ga je dao zbog mene jer se uz mene osjeća toliko sigurno i voljeno da više ne osjeća potrebu dokazivati se na Wall Streetu te da sad samo želi otići iz grada, maknuti se od svoje zlostavljajuće disfunkcionalne obitelji i preseliti se u gradić u Novoj Engleskoj gdje će moći uz mene iznova započeti svoj život. Naravno, ja nisam željela otići iz New Yorka i napustiti vlastiti posao iz snova, ali smatrala sam da se za srodnu dušu treba žrtvovati, pa sam se složila i dala otkaz, Conor i ja zajedno smo napustili Manhattan. Nisam imala pojma da sam na putu u poremećenu vrstu ljubavi, da naglavce padam u pažljivo postavljenu fizičku, financijsku i psihološku stupicu.
The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
Sljedeći korak u ponašanju zlostavljača jest uvesti prijetnju nasiljem i vidjeti kako žrtva reagira. I tu ulaze u priču oni pištolji. Čim smo se preselili u Novu Englesku - znate, mjesto gdje se Connor navodno osjećao tako sigurno - ponio je sa sobom tri pištolja. Jedan je čuvao u pretincu našeg auta. Drugi je držao pod jastukom na našem krevetu, a treći je stalno nosio u džepu. Rekao je da mu ti pištolji trebaju zbog trauma koje je pretrpio kao dječak. Trebali su mu da bi se osjećao zaštićeno. No, ti su pištolji zapravo bili poruka meni i iako još nije digao ruku na mene, život mi je već tad bio u opasnosti svake minute svakog dana.
Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.
Connor me prvi puta fizički napao pet dana prije našeg vjenčanja. Bilo je sedam ujutro, ja sam još bila u spavaćici. Bila sam za računalom, pokušavala završiti članak i iživcirala sam se. Conor je moj gnjev iskoristio kao povod da stavi obje ruke oko moga vrata i stisne ga tako čvrsto da nisam mogla ni disati ni vrištati, pa je tako me držeći nekoliko puta udario mojom glavom o zid. Pet dana kasnije, deset masnica na mom vratu taman je izblijedjelo, ja sam obukla majčinu vjenčanicu i udala se za njega.
Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.
Unatoč tome što se dogodilo, bila sam uvjerena da ćemo živjeti sretno do kraja svojih života jer sam ga voljela, a i on je mene toliko volio i bilo mu je tako silno žao. Jednostavno je bio pod velikim stresom zbog vjenčanja i zbog činjenice da ćemo postati obitelj. Bio je to izolirani incident i nikada me više neće povrijediti.
It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
No, dogodilo se još dvaput na medenom mjesecu. Prvi put, vozila sam se u potrazi za zabačenom plažom i izgubila se, a on me šakom udario u glavu tako jako da sam drugom stranom nekoliko puta udarila u staklo prozora na vozačevoj strani. Zatim je, nekoliko dana poslije, vraćajući se s medenog mjeseca, bio iživciran prometom, pa mi je bacio hladni Big Mac u lice. Conor me nastavio tući jednom do dva puta tjedno tijekom sljedeće dvije i pol godine našeg braka.
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.
Bila sam u zabludi misleći da sam jedinstvena i jedina u takvoj situaciji. Svaka treća Amerikanka tijekom života postane žrtvom obiteljskog nasilja ili uznemiravanja a CDC izvještava o 15 milijuna djece koje je svake godine zlostavljano, čak 15 milijuna. Dakle, zapravo nas je bilo jako puno.
Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.
Vratimo se na moje pitanje: Zašto sam ostala s njim? Odgovor je jednostavan. Nisam bila svjesna da me zlostavlja. Iako mi je uperio napunjen pištolj u glavu, gurnuo me niz stube, prijetio da će nam ubiti psa, izvlačio ključ iz motora dok sam vozila autocestom, istresao mi kavu na glavu dok sam se oblačila za razgovor za posao, nikad se nisam vidjela kao zlostavljanu ženu. Umjesto toga, mislila sam da sam veoma snažna žena koja voli jednog teškog muškarca, kao i da sam jedina osoba na svijetu koja može pomoći Conoru da pobijedi svoje demone.
The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
Drugo pitanje koje svi uvijek postavljaju: zašto jednostavno ne ode? Zašto nisam otišla? Mogla sam otići u bilo kojem trenutku. Za mene je ovo najtužnije i najbolnije pitanje koje ljudi postavljaju jer mi žrtve zlostavljanja znamo nešto što vi obično ne znate: užasno je opasno napustiti zlostavljača jer je zadnja faza ponašanja zlostavljača ubojstvo žrtve. Preko 70% ubojstava uzrokovanih obiteljskim naslijem dogodi se nakon što žrtva prekine vezu, nakon što se izvuče jer tada zlostavljač više nema što izgubiti. Druge posljedice uključuju dugotrajno vrebanje i uznemiravanje, čak i nakon što se zlostavljač ponovno oženi; zatim uskraćivanje financijskih sredstava i manipulacija sudskim sustavom u svrhu zastrašivanja žrtve i njezine djece koju suci obiteljskog suda redovito prisiljavaju da provode vrijeme bez nadzora s čovjekom koji je tukao njihovu majku. A mi još uvijek pitamo, zašto jednostavno ne ode?
I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.
Ja sam uspjela otići zbog jednog, zadnjeg, sadističkog premlaćivanja koje me konačno osvijestilo. Shvatila sam da će me muškarac kojeg sam toliko voljela ubiti ako mu to dopustim. Zato sam prekinula šutnju. Rekla sam svima: policiji, susjedima, prijateljima, obitelji, potpunim stranicma I danas sam ovdje jer ste mi svi vi pomogli.
We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.
Obično imamo stereotipnu predodžbu o žrtvama kao protagonisticama groznih naslova u novinama, kao autodestruktivnim ženama, oštećenom robom. Pitanjem "Zašto ostaje s njim?" neki zapravo žele reći: ";Sama si je kriva kad je ostala." kao da se žrtve namjerno zaljubljuju u muškarce koji ih žele uništiti.
But since publishing "Crazy Love," I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives -- as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me. Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.
Nakon što sam objavila knjigu "Poremećena ljubav", čula sam stotine priča muškaraca i žena koji su i sami izašli iz loših veza, koji su i sami naučili vrijednu lekciju iz onoga što im se dogodilo, te koji su ponovno izgradili svoje živote, sretne živote pune radosti, kao zaposlenici, supruge i majke te žive potpuno slobodni od nasilja - poput mene Jer se ispostavilo da sam ja zapravo tipična žrtva obiteljskog nasilja te tipična predstavnica onih koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje. Ponovno sam se udala, za nježnog i dobrog muškarca i imamo onih spomenutih troje djece, onog crnog labradora i onaj automobil. Ono što nikad više neću imati, nikad, jest uperen pištolj u glavu koji drži netko tko tvrdi da me voli.
Right now, maybe you're thinking, "Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she," but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
Trenutno možda mislite: "Ovo je fascinantno." Ili možda "Kako je bila glupa", no ja sam zapravo cijelo ovo vrijeme govorila o vama. Obećajem vam da ima ljudi koji me trenutno slušaju, a koji su trenutno zlostavljani, ili su bili zlostavljani kao djeca ili su i sami zlostavljači. Žrtvom nasilja može postati vaša kći, sestra ili najbolja prijateljica.
I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
Ja sam svoju poremećenu ljubavnu priču uspjela prekinuti tako što sam prekinula šutnju. Danas još uvijek prekidam šutnju. Na taj način nastojim pomoći drugim žrtvama, a to je i moja završna molba upućena vama. Govorite o onome što ste ovdje čuli. Zlostavljanje uspijeva samo u tišini. Imate moć prekinuti zlostavljanje u obitelji jednostavnim ukazivanjem na njega. Mi žrtve trebamo svakoga. Trebamo da svatko od vas razumije tajne obiteljskog nasilja. Ukažite na zlostavljanje tako što ćete o njemu razgovarati sa svojom djecom i kolegama, svojom obitelji i prijateljima. Prikažite one koji su preživjeli obiteljsko nasilje kao divne ljude sa sjajnom budućnosti. Prepoznajte rane znakove zlostavljanja i savjesno intervennirajte, umanjite ga, pokažite žrtvama siguran izlaz. Zajedno možemo učiniti svoje postelje, zajedničke stolove i obitelji oazama mira i sigurnosti kakve bi i trebale biti.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)