"Mom, who are these people?" It was an innocent question from my young daughter Alia around the time when she was three. We were walking along with my husband in one of Abu Dhabi's big fancy malls. Alia was peering at a huge poster standing tall in the middle of the mall. It featured the three rulers of the United Arab Emirates. As she tucked in my side, I bent down and explained that these were the rulers of the UAE who had worked hard to develop their nation and preserve its unity. She asked, "Mom, why is it that here where we live, and back in Lebanon, where grandma and grandpa live, we never see the pictures of powerful women on the walls? Is it because women are not important?"
“Bu, siapa orang-orang ini?” Itu pertanyaan polos dari putri kecil saya Alia saat dia berusia tiga tahun. Kami berjalan bersama suami saya di suatu mal mewah besar di Abu Dhabi. Alia memandang poster besar yang berdiri tegak di tengah mal. Poster itu menampilkan tiga penguasa Uni Emirat Arab (UEA). Saat dia dekat di sisi saya, saya membungkuk dan menjelaskan bahwa mereka adalah penguasa UEA yang telah bekerja keras mengembangkan bangsa dan menjaga kesatuannya. Dia bertanya, “Bu, kenapa di tempat tinggal kita di sini, dan di Lebanon, tempat nenek dan kakek tinggal, kita tidak pernah melihat foto-foto perempuan hebat di dinding? Apa karena perempuan tidak penting?”
This is probably the hardest question I've had to answer in my years as a parent and in my 16-plus years of professional life, for that matter. I had grown up in my hometown in Lebanon, the younger of two daughters to a very hard-working pilot and director of operations for the Lebanese Airlines and a super-supportive stay-at-home mom and grandma. My father had encouraged my sister and I to pursue our education even though our culture emphasized at the time that it was sons and not daughters who should be professionally motivated. I was one of very few girls of my generation who left home at 18 to study abroad. My father didn't have a son, and so I, in a sense, became his.
Ini mungkin pertanyaan tersulit yang saya dapat selama menjadi orang tua dan lebih dari 16 tahun karir profesional saya, dalam hal ini. Saya tumbuh dan dibesarkan di kampung halaman saya di Lebanon, bungsu dari dua putri bersama ayah seorang pilot pekerja keras dan direktur operasi untuk Lebanese Airlines serta ibu dan nenek rumah tangga yang sangat mendukung. Ayah mendorong saya dan saudari saya untuk melanjutkan pendidikan kami meski budaya yang ditekankan saat itu anak laki-lakilah, bukan anak perempuan, yang harus dimotivasi secara profesional. Saya salah satu dari sedikit gadis di generasi saya yang belajar ke luar negeri saat berusia 18 tahun. Ayah saya tidak memiliki putra, jadi saya, dalam arti tertentu, menjadi putranya.
Fast-forward a couple of decades, and I hope I didn't do too badly in making my father proud of his would-be son. As I got my Bachelor's and PhD in electrical engineering, did R and D in the UK, then consulting in the Middle East, I have always been in male-dominated environments. Truth be told, I have never found a role model I could truly identify with. My mother's generation wasn't into professional leadership. There were some encouraging men along the way, but none knew the demands and pressures I was facing, pressures that got particularly acute when I had my own two beautiful children. And although Western women love to give us poor, oppressed Arab women advice, they live different lives with different constraints.
Beberapa dekade kemudian, dan saya harap saya tidak menjadi terlalu buruk saat membuat ayah saya bangga dengan calon ‘putra’-nya. Saat saya mendapat gelar Sarjana dan PhD di bidang teknik elektro, melakukan R dan D di UK, lalu berkonsultasi di Timur Tengah, saya selalu ada di lingkungan yang didominasi laki-laki. Sejujurnya, saya tak pernah menemukan panutan yang sungguh dapat saya kenali. Generasi ibu saya tidak mendalami kepemimpinan profesional. Ada beberapa pria yang memberi dukungan, tapi tidak ada yang tahu tuntutan dan tekanan yang saya hadapi, tekanan yang menjadi sangat akut saat saya memiliki dua anak yang menawan. Meski wanita Barat gemar memberi kita, wanita Arab malang dan tertindas, nasihat, mereka menjalani kehidupan berbeda dengan batasan berbeda.
So Arab women of my generation have had to become our own role models. We have had to juggle more than Arab men, and we have had to face more cultural rigidity than Western women. As a result, I would like to think that we poor, oppressed women actually have some useful, certainly hard-earned lessons to share, lessons that might turn out useful for anyone wishing to thrive in the modern world. Here are three of mine.
Wanita Arab dari generasi saya harus menjadi panutan kami sendiri. Kami harus lebih banyak bergulat dari pria Arab, dan menghadapi lebih banyak kekakuan budaya daripada wanita Barat. Akibatnya, saya ingin menganggap kita, wanita yang malang dan tertindas, punya beberapa pelajaran berguna yang sukar diperoleh untuk dibagikan, pelajaran yang mungkin berguna bagi siapa saja yang ingin berkembang di dunia modern. Tiga pelajaran dari saya.
["Convert their sh*t into your fuel."]
[Ubah kotoran mereka jadi bahan bakar.]
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
(Applause)
(Tepuk tangan)
There is this word that everybody is touting as the key to success: resilience. Well, what exactly is resilience, and how do you develop it? I believe resilience is simply the ability to transform shit into fuel.
Ada kata yang dibilang semua orang sebagai kunci sukses: ketangguhan. Sebenarnya apa sesungguhnya itu, dan bagaimana mengembangkannya? Saya percaya ketangguhan ialah kemampuan mengubah kotoran jadi bahan bakar.
In my previous job, well before my current firm, I was working with a man we will call John. I had teamed up with John and was working hard, hoping he would notice how great I was and that he would come to support my case to make partner at the firm. I was, in addition to delivering on my consulting projects, writing passionately on the topic of women economic empowerment. One day, I got to present my research to a roomful of MBA students. John was part of the audience listening for the first time to the details of my study. As I proceeded with my presentation, I could see John in the corner of my eye. He had turned a dark shade of pink and had slid under his chair in apparent shame.
Di pekerjaan sebelumnya, jauh sebelum di firma saat ini, saya bekerja dengan pria, sebut saja John. Saya telah satu tim dengan John dan bekerja keras, berharap dia memerhatikan kepiawaian saya dan bahwa dia akan mendukung kasus saya untuk bermitra di perusahaan. Selain menyampaikan proyek konsultasi, saya juga menulis dengan penuh semangat tentang pemberdayaan ekonomi wanita. Satu hari, saya presentasi penelitian saya pada sekelompok mahasiswa MBA. John yang juga hadir mendengarkan untuk pertama kalinya rincian studi saya. Saat saya melanjutkan presentasi saya, saya bisa lihat John di sudut mata saya. Mukanya berubah merah muda gelap dan dia melorot di kursinya karena malu.
I finished my presentation to an applauding audience and we rushed out and jumped into the car. There he exploded. "What you did up there was unacceptable! You are a consultant, not an activist!" I said, "John, I don't understand. I presented a couple of gender parity indices, and some conclusions about the Arab world. Yes, we do happen to be today at the bottom of the index, but what is it that I said or presented that was not factual?"
Saya selesai presentasi dan penonton bertepuk tangan lalu kami pun keluar dan masuk ke mobil. Di sana John meledak. “Apa yang kau sampaikan tidak bisa diterima! Kau ini konsultan, bukan aktivis!” Saya berkata, “John, aku tidak paham. Aku mempresentasikan beberapa indeks paritas gender dan beberapa kesimpulan tentang dunia Arab. Ya, kebetulan saat ini kami berada di bagian bawah indeks, tapi adakah yang tidak faktual dari pernyataan atau penyajianku?”
To which he replied, "The whole premise of your study is wrong. What you are doing is dangerous and will break the social fabric of our society." He paused, then added, "When women have children, their place is in the home."
John menjawab, “Seluruh premis studimu salah. Yang kau lakukan berbahaya dan akan merusak tatanan sosial masyarakat kita.” Dia berhenti, lalu menambahkan, “Ketika perempuan memiliki anak, tempat mereka adalah di rumah.”
Time stood still for a long while, and all I could think and repeat in the chaos of my brain was: "You can forget about that partnership, Leila. It's just never going to happen." It took me a couple of days to fully absorb this incident and its implications, but once I did, I reached three conclusions. One, that these were his issues, his complexes. There may be many like him in our society, but I would never let their issues become mine. Two, that I needed another sponsor, and fast.
Waktu serasa berhenti lama, yang bisa saya pikirkan dan ulangi dalam kekacauan otak saya adalah: “Kau bisa melupakan kemitraan itu, Leila. Itu tak akan pernah terjadi.” Butuh beberapa hari untuk sepenuhnya menyerap insiden ini dan implikasinya, lalu saya pun mencapai tiga kesimpulan. Satu, bahwa ini adalah masalahnya dia, kekurangannya. Ada banyak John di masyarakat kita, tapi saya tak mau masalah mereka jadi milik saya. Dua, bahwa saya butuh sponsor lain, dan secepatnya.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
I got one, by the way, and boy, was he great. And three, that I would get to show John what women with children can do. I apply this lesson equally well to my personal life. As I have progressed in my career, I have received many words of encouragement, but I have also often been met by women, men and couples who have clearly had an issue with my husband and I having chosen the path of a dual-career couple.
Saya ada satu sponsor, sebenarnya, dia hebat. Dan tiga, akan saya tunjukkan pada John apa yang bisa dilakukan para ibu. Saya terapkan pelajaran ini dengan baik di kehidupan pribadi saya. Seiring kemajuan karier saya, saya telah menerima banyak kata-kata penyemangat, tapi saya juga sering menjumpai banyak wanita, pria, dan pasangan yang jelas memiliki masalah dengan saya dan suami saya karena memilih jalur pasangan karier ganda.
So you get this well-meaning couple who tells you straight out at a family gathering or at a friends gathering, that, come on, you must know you're not a great mom, given how much you're investing in your career, right? I would lie if I said these words didn't hurt. My children are the most precious thing to me, and the thought that I could be failing them in any way is intolerable. But just like I did with John, I quickly reminded myself that these were their issues, their complexes. So instead of replying, I gave back one of my largest smiles as I saw, in flashing light, the following sign in my mind's eye.
Jadi pasangan yang bermaksud baik ini yang berbicara blak-blakan di pertemuan keluarga atau pertemuan teman, seperti, “Kau pasti sadar kau bukan ibu yang baik. Kau berkorban lebih untuk kariermu, kan?” Bohong jika saya bilang kata-kata itu tidak menyakitkan. Anak-anak saya yang paling berharga bagi saya, dan memiikirkan saya mengecewakan mereka bagaimana pun tidak bisa ditoleransi. Tapi seperti dengan John, saya segera mengingatkan diri bahwa itu masalah mereka, kekurangan mereka. Jadi, alih-alih membalas, saya memberikan senyum terlebar saya saat saya melihat, di bawah silau cahaya, tanda yang ada di mata pikiran saya.
[Be happy, it drives people crazy.]
[Berbahagialah, itu membuat mereka gila.]
(Applause)
(Tepuk tangan)
You see, as a young woman in these situations, you have two options. You can either decide to internalize these negative messages that are being thrown at you, to let them make you feel like a failure, like success is way too hard to ever achieve, or you can choose to see that others' negativity is their own issue, and instead transform it into your own personal fuel. I have learned to always go for option two, and I have found that it has taken me from strength to strength. And it's true what they say: success is the best revenge.
Sebagai wanita muda di situasi ini, Anda punya dua pilihan. Anda bisa putuskan menginternalisasi pesan-pesan negatif yang dilemparkan ke Anda, biarkan mereka membuat Anda merasa gagal, seolah kesuksesan terlalu sulit untuk dicapai, atau Anda melihat kenegatifan orang lain sebagai masalah mereka sendiri, dan mengubahnya menjadi bahan bakar pribadi Anda. Saya belajar untuk selalu memilih opsi dua, dan saya sadar ia memberi saya kekuatan demi kekuatan. Benar yang orang katakan: sukses adalah pembalasan terbaik.
Some women in the Middle East are lucky enough to be married to someone supportive of their career. Correction: I should say "smart enough," because who you marry is your own choice, and you'd better marry someone supportive if you plan to have a long career. Still today, the Arab man is not an equal contributor in the home. It's simply not expected by our society, and even frowned upon as not very manly. As for the Arab woman, our society still assumes that her primary source of happiness should be the happiness and prosperity of her children and husband. She mostly exists for her family. Things are changing, but it will take time.
Beberapa wanita Timur Tengah cukup beruntung menikahi seseorang yang mendukung karir mereka. Ralat: maksud saya “cukup pintar”, karena pasangan Anda itu pilihan Anda sendiri, jadi nikahilah seseorang yang mendukung jika ingin punya karir panjang. Sampai hari ini, pria Arab bukanlah kontributor yang setara di rumah. Ini sangat tak diharapkan oleh masyarakat kita, direndahkan karena dianggap tak jantan. Namun bagi wanita Arab, masyarakat kita masih menganggap sumber kebahagiaan utama mereka yaitu kebahagiaan dan kemakmuran dari anak dan suaminya. Wanita khususnya ada untuk keluarga. Hal itu semakin berubah, tapi itu butuh waktu.
For now, it means that the professional Arab woman has to somehow maintain the perfect home, make sure that her children's every need is being taken care of and manage her demanding career. To achieve this, I have found the hard way that you need to apply your hard-earned professional skills to your personal life. You need to work your life.
Saat ini, itu artinya wanita Arab profesional harus mempertahankan rumah yang sempurna, memastikan setiap kebutuhan anak-anaknya dipenuhi dan mengelola kariernya yang menuntut. Demi mencapai ini, saya menemukan cara sulit. Terapkan keterampilan profesional yang Anda raih dengan susah payah ke dalam kehidupan pribadi Anda. Anda perlu mengusahakan hidup Anda.
Here is how I do this in my personal life. One thing to know about the Middle East is that nearly every family has access to affordable domestic help. The challenge therefore becomes how to recruit effectively. Just like I would in my business life, I have based the selection of who would support me with my children while I'm at work on a strong referral. Cristina had worked for four years with my sister and the quality of her work was well-established. She is now an integral member of our family, having been with us since Alia was six months old. She makes sure that the house is running smoothly while I'm at work, and I make sure to empower her in the most optimal conditions for her and my children, just like I would my best talent at work. This lesson applies whatever your childcare situation, whether an au pair, nursery, part-time nanny that you share with someone else. Choose very carefully, and empower.
Ini cara saya melakukannya di kehidupan pribadi. Perlu diketahui tentang Timur Tengah hampir setiap keluarga punya akses ke dukungan domestik yang terjangkau. Tantangannya yaitu bagaimana merekrut secara efektif. Seperti cara saya di kehidupan bisnis, saya mendasari pemilihan orang yang membantu saya merawat anak-anak saat sedang bekerja berdasarkan rujukan yang kuat. Cristina telah bekerja selama empat tahun dengan saudari saya dan kualitas pekerjaannya sudah mapan. Sekarang dia anggota integral keluarga kami, dia telah bersama kami sejak Alia berusia enam bulan. Dia memastikan rumah berjalan lancar saat saya bekerja, dan saya pastikan untuk memberdayakannya dalam kondisi teroptimal untuk dia dan anak-anak saya, seperti halnya rekan terbaik di tempat kerja. Pelajaran ini berlaku apa pun situasi pengasuhan anak Anda, baik <i>au pair</i>, penitipan anak, pengasuh paruh waktu milik majikan lain. Pilihlah dengan hati-hati, dan berdayakan.
If you look at my calendar, you will see every working day one and a half hours from 7pm to 8:30pm UAE time blocked and called "family time." This is sacred time. I have done this ever since Alia was a baby. I do everything in my power to protect this time so that I can be home by then to spend quality time with my children, asking them about their day, checking up on homework, reading them a bedtime story and giving them lots of kisses and cuddles. If I'm traveling, in whatever the time zone, I use Skype to connect with my children even if I am miles away. Our son Burhan is five years old, and he's learning to read and do basic maths.
Jika menilik kalender saya, Anda akan lihat setiap hari kerja satu setengah jam dari pukul 19:00 hingga 20:30 waktu UEA ditandai dan tertulis “waktu keluarga”. Waktu ini sakral. Saya menjalani ini sejak Alia masih bayi. Saya kerahkan segala daya demi melindungi waktu ini agar bisa pulang dan menghabiskan waktu berkualitas dengan anak-anak, menanyakan hari mereka, memeriksa pekerjaan rumah, membacakan cerita pengantar tidur, dan memberi mereka banyak ciuman dan pelukan. Jika saya bepergian, di zona waktu apa pun, saya gunakan Skype untuk terhubung dengan mereka meski kami jauh. Putra kami Burhan berusia lima tahun, dia belajar membaca dan menghitung matematika dasar.
Here's another confession: I have found that our daughter is actually more successful at teaching him these skills than I am.
Ini pengakuan lainnya: saya menemukan bahwa putri kami sebenarnya lebih berhasil mengajarinya daripada saya.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
It started as a game, but Alia loves playing teacher to her little brother, and I have found that these sessions actually improve Burhan's literacy, increase Alia's sense of responsibility, and strengthen the bonding between them, a win-win all around.
Awalnya cuma permainan, tapi Alia senang menjadi guru untuk adik laki-lakinya, dan saya sadar sesi ini memang meningkatkan kemampuan membaca Burhan, meningkatkan rasa tanggung jawab Alia, dan memperkuat ikatan di antara mereka, keuntungan timbal balik.
The successful Arab women I know have each found their unique approach to working their life as they continue to shoulder the lion's share of responsibility in the home.
Wanita Arab sukses yang saya kenal menemukan pendekatan unik sendiri untuk berhasil dalam hidup karena mereka terus memikul bagian terbesar dari tanggung jawab di rumah.
But this is not just about surviving in your dual role as a career woman and mother. This is also about being in the present. When I am with my children, I try to leave work out of our lives. Instead of worrying about how many minutes I can spend with them every day, I focus on turning these minutes into memorable moments, moments where I'm seeing my kids, hearing them, connecting with them.
Ini bukan hanya tentang bertahan dalam peran ganda sebagai wanita karier dan ibu. Ini juga tentang hadir di masa sekarang. Ketika saya bersama anak-anak saya, saya berusaha meninggalkan pekerjaan saya. Bukannya khawatir berapa menit yang bisa dihabiskan bersama mereka setiap hari, saya fokus mengubah menit-menit ini menjadi momen berharga, momen di mana saya melihat anak-anak saya, mendengar dan terhubung dengan mereka.
["Join forces, don't compete."]
[Berjuang bersama, jangan bersaing.]
Arab women of my generation have not been very visible in the public eye as they grew up. This explains, I think, to some extent, why you find so few women in politics in the Arab world. The upside of this, however, is that we have spent a lot of time developing a social skill behind the scenes, in coffee shops, in living rooms, on the phone, a social skill that is very important to success: networking. I would say the average Arab woman has a large network of friends and acquaintances. The majority of those are also women.
Wanita Arab dari generasi saya tidak terlalu disorot di mata publik saat mereka tumbuh dewasa. Ini menjelaskan sampai batas tertentu, kenapa hanya ada sedikit wanita di politik dunia Arab. Keuntungannya, bagaimanapun, kami telah menghabiskan banyak waktu mengembangkan keterampilan sosial di belakang layar, di kedai kopi, di ruang keluarga, di telepon, keterampilan sosial yang sangat penting untuk sukses: jaringan. Saya katakan rata-rata wanita Arab memiliki jaringan teman dan kenalan yang luas. Mayoritas dari mereka juga perempuan.
In the West, it seems like ambitious women often compare themselves to other women hoping to be noticed as the most successful woman in the room. This leads to the much-spoken-about competitive behavior between professional women. If there's only room for one woman at the top, then you can't make room for others, much less lift them up.
Di Barat, wanita ambisius membandingkan diri mereka dengan wanita lain yang berharap diperhatikan sebagai wanita tersukses di ruangan itu. Ini mengarah ke perilaku kompetitif yang banyak dibicarakan antara wanita profesional. Jika ruang hanya untuk satu wanita di atas, maka tak bisa ada ruang untuk mengangkat wanita lain.
Arab women, generally speaking, have not fallen for this psychological trap. Faced with a patriarchal society, they have found that by helping each other out, all benefit.
Wanita Arab, secara umum, tidak jatuh pada jebakan psikologis ini. Dihadapkan dengan masyarakat patriarki, mereka menemukan bahwa dengan saling membantu, semua menuai manfaat.
In my previous job, I was the most senior woman in the Middle East, so one could think that investing in my network of female colleagues couldn't bring many benefits and that I should instead invest my time developing my relationships with male seniors and peers. Yet two of my biggest breaks came through the support of other women. It was the head of marketing who initially suggested I be considered as a young global leader to the World Economic Forum. She was familiar with my media engagements and my publications, and when she was asked to voice her opinion, she highlighted my name. It was a young consultant, a Saudi lady and friend, who helped me sell my first project in Saudi Arabia, a market I was finding hard to gain traction in as a woman. She introduced me to a client, and that introduction led to the first of very many projects for me in Saudi. Today, I have two senior women on my team, and I see making them successful as key to my own success. Women continue to advance in the world, not fast enough, but we're moving.
Di kantor sebelumnya, saya wanita paling senior di Timur Tengah, jadi orang bisa berpikir berinvestasi di jaringan rekan kerja wanita saya kurang begitu bermanfaat dan saya malah harus menginvestasikan waktu saya menjalin hubungan dengan senior dan teman sebaya laki-laki. Namun, dua terobosan terbesar saya datang melalui dukungan wanita lain. Itu adalah kepala pemasaran yang mulanya menyarankan saya menjadi pemimpin global muda di Forum Ekonomi Dunia. Wanita ini akrab dengan keterlibatan media dan publikasi saya, dan ketika dia diminta berpendapat, dia mengajukan nama saya. Yang kedua konsultan muda, wanita dan teman dari Saudi, yang membantu saya menjual proyek pertama di Arab Saudi, pasar yang sulit saya dapatkan sebagai seorang wanita. Dia perkenalkan saya ke klien, dan itu membuahkan proyek pertama dari banyak proyek lain saya di Saudi. Hari ini, ada dua wanita senior dalam tim saya, dan membuat mereka sukses menjadi kunci kesuksesan saya sendiri. Wanita terus membuat kemajuan di dunia, tidak cukup cepat, tapi kami sedang bergerak.
The Arab world, too, is making progress, despite many recent setbacks. Just this year, the UAE appointed five new female ministers to its cabinet, for a total of eight female ministers. That's nearly 28 percent of the cabinet, and more than many developed countries can claim. This is today my daughter Alia's favorite picture. This is the result, no doubt, of great leadership, but it is also the result of strong Arab women not giving up and continuously pushing the boundaries. It is the result of Arab women deciding every day like me to convert shit into fuel, to work their life to keep work out of their life, and to join forces and not compete.
Dunia Arab juga membuat kemajuan, meski banyak kemunduran baru-baru ini. Baru tahun ini, UEA menunjuk lima menteri wanita baru ke dalam kabinet, dengan total delapan menteri wanita. Itu hampir 28 persen dari kabinet, lebih dari yang bisa diklaim oleh banyak negara maju. Inilah foto favorit Alia hari ini. Tak diragukan lagi, inilah hasil kepemimpinan hebat, serta hasil dari wanita Arab yang kuat yang pantang menyerah dan terus mendorong batas. Inilah hasil dari wanita Arab yang memutuskan setiap hari seperti saya mengubah kotoran menjadi bahan bakar, berhasil di kehidupan pribadi dan pekerjaan mereka, dan berjuang bersama, bukan bersaing.
As I look to the future, my hopes for my daughter when she stands on this stage some 20, 30 years from now are that she be as proud to call herself her mother's daughter as her father's daughter.
Saat saya melihat masa depan, saya harap saat putri saya berdiri di panggung ini sekitar 20, 30 tahun dari sekarang bahwa dia bangga menyebut dirinya putri ibunya, seperti putri ayahnya.
My hopes for my son are that by then, the expression "her mother's son" or "mama's boy" would have taken on a completely different meaning.
Harapan saya untuk putra saya adalah nanti, ungkapan “anak ibunya” atau “anak mama” akan memiliki arti yang sama sekali berbeda.
Thank you.
Terima kasih.
(Applause)
(Tepuk tangan)