Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
Salom. Men sizlarga maqtov, fahrlanish va rahmat aytishning muhimligi haqida gapirmoqchiman. Shu jumladan, buni mahsus va samimiy ayting.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
Bunga qiziqishim uyg'onganligining sababi yillar o'tib, ulg'ayganim sari yaqin yaqin yillarda men o'zimda shu narsani sezdim: kimgadir rahmat aytgim kelardi, kimlarnidir maqtagim kelardi, ularning menga bo'lgan maqtovini chuqur anglagim kelardi va bu fikrimdan to'xtab qolar edim. Nima uchun?, deb o'zimdan so'radim. Men uyalardim, o'zimni hijolatda his qilardim. So'ngra, menda shunday savol paydo bo'ldi: Shunday holatda bo'ladigan faqatgina menmi? Shu boisdan, men bu borada izlanishga qaror qildim.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
Men profilaktika klinikasida ishlaganimdan juda omadliman, chunki betinim hayot va o'lim bilan yuzlashayotgan insonlarni ko'ra oldim. Ba'zan, shunday sodda narsalar bo'ladi, ya'ni kimningdir asosiy jarohati shundaki otasi o'g'li bilan faxrlanishini hech ham aytmasdan vafot etgan. Lekin, keyinchalik o'g'li oila a'zolari va do'stlaridan shuni eshitadiki, otasi boshqalarga u bilan qanday faxrlanishini aytgan, ammo o'g'liga hech ham unday demagan. Buning sababi, u kishi o'g'lining bu gapni eshitishi muhimligini anglamagandi.
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
Mening savolim: Nima uchun biz o'zimizga kerak narsalarni so'ramaymiz? Uylanganiga 25 yil bo'lgan bir kishini bilaman, u ayolidan shunday gapni eshitishni orzu qilib yuradi: "Uyga non olib keluvchi bo'lganingiz uchun rahmat, shu sababli men farzandlarim bilan uyda bo'la olaman," lekin u kishi bu gapni so'ramasdi. Bu borada mohir bir ayolni bilan. Haftasiga bir marta turmush o'rtogi bilan uchrashib, unga aytadi, "Mening uyda bajargan va farzandlarim uchun bajargan hamma narsalar uchun menga rahmat aytishingizni xohlayman." U esa aytadi, "Bu juda ham zo'r, juda zo'r." Maqtov rostdan ham samimiy bo'lishi kerak, ammo u ayol o'sha ish uchun mas'uliyatni o'ziga oladi. Mening bog'cha paytimdan beri bo'lgan do'stim, April farzandlari o'z vazifalarini bajarganligi uchun ularga rahmat aytadi. U shunday dedi, "Shu ishlarni bajarish farzandlarimning vazifalari bo'lishidan qat'iy nazar, nima uchun ularga rahmat demaslgim kerak?"
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
Hullas, savol shu: Nimaga men bunga to'sqinlik qilayotgan edim? Nimaga boshqa odamlar bunga to'sqinlik qilayotgan edi? Nimaga men shunday deb ayta olaman, " men bifshteksning o'rtachasini olaman, oltinchi o'lchamdagi oyoq kiyim kerak," lekin bunday deb aytmayman. "Shunday desam, siz meni maqtaysizmi?" Chunki men sizga o'zim haqimda muhim ma'lumot beryapman. Sizga qaysi jihatdan ojizligimni aytyapman. Menga yordamingiz kerak bo'lganida sizga aytyapman. Shu bilan birga men sizga, ichki mulkimga, dushmanimday munosabatda bo'lyapman. Chunki ana o'sha ma'lumot bilan nima qila olasiz? Menga befarq bo'lishingiz mumkin. U ma'lumotni noto'g'ri maqsadda ishlatishingiz mumkin. Yoki mening hojatimni bajarishingiz mumkin.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
Va men velosipedimni velosiped do'koniga olib bordim-- buni men yaxshi ko'raman - huddi shu velosipedim, ular esa "g'ildiraklarini sozlash" degan narsalarni bajarar edi. Shu bir yigit aytdi, "Bilasizmi, g'ildiraklarni sozlasangiz, velosiped ancha yaxshi bo'ladi." Men ayni o'sha velosipedimni qaytib oldim va men ikki yarim yildan beri ishlatayotgan velosiped g'ildiraklaridan hamma mayda o'ralashgan arqonu iplarni olib tashladi va velosipedim yangidek bo'ldib qoldi. Endi, men hammanglarga murakkab vazifa bermoqchiman. "G'ildiraginlarni sozlashingizni" xohlayman: eshitishingizni istagan maqtovda samimiy bo'lib. Nimani eshitishni xohlaysiz? Uyga borib, ayolingizga ayting, undan so'rang, unga nima kerak? Uyingizga borib, turmush o'rtog'ingizga ayting -- unga nima kerak? Uyga borib, shu kabi savollarni so'rang va atrofingizdagilarga yordam bering.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
Bu juda sodda. Nima uchun biz bu haqida o'ylashimiz kerak? Biz dunyo tinchligi haqida gapiramiz. Turli madaniyatlar va turli tillar bilan biz qanday qilib dunyo tinchligiga erisha olamiz? O'ylashimcha, bu har bir uydan, umumiy boshpanadan boshlanadi. Ho'sh, bu narsani o'zimizning orqa hovlimizdan boshlaylik. Siz tomoshabinlar ajoyib turmush o'rtoq, ajoyib ona, do'st, qiz va o'g'il bo'lganinglar uchun hammangizga rahmat aytaman. Ehtimol, kimdir sizga bu gapni hech qachon aytmagandir, lekin sizlar juda ajoyib ishlarni bajardinglar. Mana shu yerda bo'lganinglar uchun va g'oyalaringiz bilan dunyoni o'zgartirganinglar uchun sizlarga rahmat.
Thank you. (Applause)
Rahmat. (Qarsaklar)