Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
Tere. Olen siin selleks, et rääkida, kui tähtis on kiita, imetleda ja tänada ning teha seda konkreetselt ja ehedalt.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
Mind hakkas see huvitama, sest märkasin enda juures lapsena ja koguni veel mõned aastad tagasi, et tahtsin kedagi tänada, tahtsin kiita ja omakorda kiitust vastu võtta, kuid miskipärast ei teinud seda. Küsisin endalt, miks? Tundsin kohmetust, piinlikkust. Mul tekkis küsimus, kas ma olen ainus, kellega on nii? Otsustasin seda uurida.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
Mul on vedanud, sest töötan võõrutuskeskuses, ja näen inimesi, kelle jaoks sõltuvus on elu ja surma küsimus. Selle taga võib olla midagi väga lihtsat - inimese suurim valu võib seisneda selles, et tema isa suri, ütlemata kunagi, et on tema üle uhke. Siis ta kuuleb sõprade ja sugulaste käest, et isa rääkis kõigile teistele, kui uhke ta tema üle oli, aga pojale ei öelnud ta seda kunagi. Sest ta ei teadnud, et pojal on vaja seda kuulda.
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
Minu küsimus on, et miks me ei küsi seda, mida vajame? Tean meest, kes on olnud 25 aastat abielus ja igatseb, et ta naine talle ütleks: "Aitäh, et sa leiba teenid, et mina võiksin lastega kodus olla," aga ei küsi seda temalt. Tean ühte naist, kes seda hästi oskab. Kord nädalas läheb ta oma mehe juurde ja ütleb: "Tahaksin, et sa tänaksid mind kõige eest, mida ma kodu ja laste heaks tegin." Mees vastab: "Oh, see on fantastiline ja see ..." Kiitmine peab muidugi olema siiras, aga naine osutab ise initsiatiivi. Minu sõbranna April, keda tunnen juba lasteaiast, tänab oma lapsi koduste toimetuste eest. Ta ütles: "Miks mitte tänada, kuigi see on nende kohustus?"
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
Küsimus on niisiis, miks ma seda vältisin? Miks teised inimesed seda vältisid? Miks ma suudan öelda: "Soovin oma biifsteeki keskmiselt küpsetatuna, mul on vaja number 38 kingi," aga ma ei suuda öelda: "Palun kiida mind selle eest?" Põhjuseks on, et ma annan enda kohta teada kriitilisi andmeid. Ma annan mõista, milles tunnen end ebakindlalt. Ütlen välja, milles vajan teie abi. Aga ma kohtlen teid, oma lähiringkonda, justkui vaenlast. Sest mida te võite nende andmetega peale hakata? Võite mind eirata. Võite neid kurjasti ära kasutada. Või siis võite minu vajadusi täita.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
Ma viisin oma jalgratta hooldusesse ja nad tegid sellega midagi, mille nimi on "kodarate timmimine". Mulle öeldi: "Teate, kui kodaraid timmida, sõidab ratas palju paremini." Sain sama ratta tagasi, nad olid eemaldanud väikesed ebatasasused ratastelt, millel olin kaks ja pool aastat ringi sõitnud ning jalgratas oli nagu uus. Niisiis esitan teile kõigile väljakutse. Tahan, et te oma kodaraid timmiksite: öelge ausalt, millist kiitust teil on vaja kuulda. Mida teil on vaja kuulda? Minge koju oma naise juurde, küsige temalt, mida ta vajab. Minge koju oma mehe juurde - mida tema vajab? Minge koju ja küsige seda ning siis aidake inimesi enda lähedal.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
See on lihtne. Miks me peaksime sellest hoolima? Me räägime ülemaailmsest rahust. Kuidas suudame saavutada ülemaailmset rahu keset erinevaid kultuure ja keeli? Minu meelest algab see kodust, neist, kes elavad sama katuse all. Ajame kõigepealt asjad oma koduhoovis korda. Ma tahan tänada kogu tänast publikut, et te olete suurepärased abikaasad, emad, sõbrad, tütred, pojad. Võib-olla pole keegi teile seda kunagi öelnud, aga te olete oma tööga tõesti väga hästi hakkama saanud. Aitäh teile, et te siin olete, et te kohale tulite ja muudate oma ideedega maailma.
Thank you. (Applause)
Aitäh teile. (Aplaus)