Hej. Jeg er her for at tale om vigtigheden af ros, beundring og at sige tak, og at det er specifikt og oprigtigt.
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
Og måden jeg blev interesseret i dette på var, at jeg lagde mærke til mig selv, da jeg voksede op, og indtil for et par år siden, at jeg gerne ville sige tak til nogen, jeg ville gerne rose dem, jeg ville gerne høre deres ros om mig og jeg stoppede det bare. Og jeg spurgte mig selv, hvorfor? Jeg følte mig genert, jeg følte mig flov. Og så blev mit spørgsmål, er jeg den eneste der gør det her? Så, jeg besluttede mig for at undersøge det.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
Jeg er så heldig at jeg arbejder i et afvænnings center, så jeg får mulighed for at se mennesker der står ansigt til ansigt med afhængighed. Og nogle gange handler det om noget så simpelt som, at deres inderste sår er, at deres far døde uden nogensinde at sige at han var stolt af dem. Men så hører de fra hele deres familie og venner, at deres far fortalte alle andre at han var stolt af dem, men han sagde det aldrig til sønnen. Det er fordi han ikke vidste, at hans søn havde brug for at høre det.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
Så mit spørgsmål er, hvorfor beder vi ikke om tingene vi har brug for? Jeg kender en herre, gift i 25 år, der længes efter at høre sin kone sige, "Tak for at være forsøgeren, så jeg kan blive hjemme hos børnene," men beder ikke om det. Jeg kender en kvinde der er god til dette. Hun, en gang om ugen, mødes med hendes mand og siger, "Jeg kunne virkelig godt tænke mig, at du takkede mig for alle de ting jeg gjorde i huset og med børnene." Og han siger, "Åh, dette er skønt, dette er skønt." Og ros skal virkelig være oprigtig, men hun tager ansvar for det. Og en af mine venner, April, som jeg har kendt siden børnehaven, hun takker sine børn for at de gøre deres pligter. Og hun sagde, "Hvorfor skulle jeg ikke takke dem for det, selvom de gør det de bør?"
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
Så, spørgsmålet er, hvorfor blokerede jeg for det? Hvorfor blokerede andre folk for det? Hvorfor kan jeg sige, "Jeg vil have min bøf medium stegt, jeg har brug for sko i størrelse 36," men jeg vil ikke sige, "Vil du give mig ros på denne måde?" Og det er fordi jeg giver jer kritisk data om mig. Jeg fortæller jer om min usikkerhed. Jeg fortæller jer hvor jeg har brug for hjælp. Og jeg behandler jer, min indercirkel, som om I er fjenden. Fordi hvad kan I gøre med de informationer? I kunne forsømme mig. I kunne misbruge det. Eller I kunne faktisk give mig det jeg har brug for.
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
Og jeg tog cyklen ind i cykelforretningen -- jeg elsker det her -- samme cykel, og det gjorde noget der hedder at "afrette" hjulene. Fyren sagde, "Du ved, når man afretter hjulene, gør det cyklen så meget bedre." Jeg får den samme cykel tilbage, og de har taget alle ekser ud af de samme hjul som jeg har haft i to og et halvt år, og min cykel er som ny. Så, jeg vil udfordre jer alle sammen. Jeg vil have jer til at afrette jeres hjul: vær ærlig om den ros I har brug for at høre. Hvad har I brug for at høre? Tag hjem til konen -- spørg hende, hvad har hun brug for? Gå hjem til jeres mand -- hvad har han brug for? Gå hjem og stil de spørgsmål, og hjælp så menneskene rundt om jer.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
Og det er simpelt. Og hvorfor skulle vi bekymre os om dette? Vi taler om fred i verden. Hvordan kan vi have fred i verden med forskellige kulturer, forskellige sprog? Jeg tror det starter husstand for husstand, under det samme tag. Så, lad os rette op på det i vores egen baghave. Og jeg vil gerne takke jer alle i publikummet for at være fantastiske ægtemænd, fantastiske mødre, venner, døtre, sønner. Og måske er der aldrig nogen der har sagt det til jer, men i har gjort et virkelig, virkelig godt stykke arbejde. Og tak fordi I kom her, bare mødte op, og ændre verden med jeres ideer.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
Tak. (Bifald)
Thank you. (Applause)