Hola. He vingut a parlar-vos de la importància dels elogis, de l'admiració i de donar les gràcies, i de fer-ho de forma concreta i genuïna.
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
Em vaig interessar per aquest tema quan vaig descobrir que, des que era petita i fins fa uns anys, volia donar les gràcies a la gent, volia elogiar-la i rebre els seus elogis, però no era capaç de fer-ho. I em preguntava: Per què? Tenia por de fer-ho, m'avergonyia. I llavors em vaig preguntar: Sóc l'única a qui li passa? Així que vaig decidir investigar-ho.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
Sóc prou afortunada com per treballar en una clínica de rehabilitació, on puc veure gent que es debat entre la vida i la mort per la seva addicció. I de vegades el seu trauma es redueix a una cosa tan simple com que el seu pare va morir sense dir-los que estava orgullós d'ells. I llavors descobreixen pels amics i la família que el seu pare li ho havia dit a tothom, però mai a ells. Això és perquè no sabia que el seu fill necessitava sentir-ho.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
La meva pregunta és: Per què no demanem el que necessitem? Conec un senyor, casat des de fa 25 anys, que està desitjant que la seva dona li digui: "Gràcies per sustentar-nos. Així puc ser a casa amb els nens". Però no ho demana. Conec una dona que té facilitat per això. Un cop per setmana, parla amb el seu marit i li diu: "M'encantaria que m'agraïssis tot el que he fet a la casa i amb els nens. I ell li respon: "Ah, fantàstic, molt ben fet." Els elogis han de ser genuïns, però ella se n'encarrega. I April, una amiga que tinc de tota la vida, agraeix als seus fills que ajudin a casa. Em diu: "Per què no els ho hauria d'agrair, encara que sigui la seva obligació."
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
Per què jo ho estava evitant? O els altres? Per què puc dir "vull el filet mig cru", o "necessito sabates de la talla 38", però no dic "podries elogiar-me de tal manera"? I és perquè així us estic donant informació delicada sobre mi. Us indico amb què em sento insegura, on necessito ajuda. I us tracto a vosaltres, el meu cercle íntim, com el meu enemic. Perquè, què podríeu fer amb aquesta informació? Podríeu ignorar-me. Us en podríeu aprofitar. O també podríeu satisfer la meva necessitat.
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
Un dia vaig portar la bici a arreglar, i em van dir que havien d'ajustar els radis. El paio em va dir: "Si ajustes els radis, la teva bici anirà molt millor." Em van tornar la mateixa bici. Havien reparat les descompensacions que s'havien produït a les rodes durant dos anys i mig, i la bici va quedar com nova. Així que us proposo un repte. Vull que us ajusteu els radis: Sigueu francs sobre el reconeixement que necessiteu tenir. Què necessiteu que us diguin? Aneu a la vostra dona, i pregunteu-li què necessita. O al vostre marit. Pregunteu aquestes coses a casa, i ajudaran la gent que us envolta.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
És així de fàcil. I per què ens ha d'importar? Parlem de la pau mundial, però com podem trobar l'harmonia entre diferents països i cultures? Crec que s'ha de començar casa per casa, ajudant els que viuen amb tu. Arreglem tots el nostre jardí. I vull donar-vos les gràcies com a públic, per ser bons marits, bones mares, bons amics, fills i filles. I potser no us ho han dit mai, però ho heu fet molt bé. Gràcies per ser aquí, per venir i canviar el món amb les vostres idees.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
Gràcies. (Aplaudiments)
Thank you. (Applause)