There are things we say when we catch the eye of a stranger or a neighbor walking by. We say, "Hello, how are you? It's a beautiful day. How do you feel?" These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are. They have no semantic meaning. It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like. They have something else. They have social meaning. What we mean when we say those things is: I see you there.
Postoje stvari koje kažemo kada uhvatimo pogled stranca ili susjeda. Kažemo: Bok, kako si? Prekrasan je dan. Jesi li dobro? Ovakve rečenice zvuče beznačajno jer to i jesu, na neki način. Nemaju semantičko značenje. Nije važno kako ste ili kakav je dan. Ali imaju nešto drugo - društveno značenje. Kada kažemo nešto poput toga, zapravo želimo reći: primjećujem te.
I'm obsessed with talking to strangers. I make eye contact, say hello, I offer help, I listen. I get all kinds of stories. About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences to try to figure out why. What I found was that something really beautiful was going on. This is almost poetic. These were really profound experiences. They were unexpected pleasures. They were genuine emotional connections. They were liberating moments.
Opsjednuta sam razgovaranjem sa strancima. Uspostavim kontakt očima, pozdravim ih, ponudim pomoć, slušam. Svačega se naslušam. Prije sedam godina počela sam dokumentirati svoja iskustva kako bih saznala zašto. Otkrila sam da se događa nešto predivno. Gotovo poetski. Bila su to doista duboka iskustva, neočekivani izvori zadovoljstva, prave emocionalne veze, trenutci oslobođenja.
So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change, which, I'm a New Yorker, so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain, as if that could get me across faster. And there's an old man standing next to me. So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat, and he looked like somebody from a movie. And he says to me, "Don't stand there. You might disappear." So this is absurd, right? But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk. And he smiled, and he said, "Good. You never know. I might have turned around, and zoop, you're gone."
Jednog dana stajala sam na uglu i čekala zeleno svjetlo na semaforu, a kako sam Njujorčanka, to znači da sam zapravo stajala na šahtu, kao da ću zbog toga manje čekati. Do mene je stajao stariji čovjek u dugom kaputu i šeširu koji nose starija gospoda. Izgledao je kao da je ispao iz nekog filma i rekao mi je: Nemojte tu stajati, mogli biste nestati. Apsurdno, zar ne? Ali poslušala sam ga i vratila se na pločnik. Nasmiješio se i rekao: Tako, nikad ne znate. Što da sam se okrenuo i opa - više vas nema?
This was weird, and also really wonderful. He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me. We had this little bond. For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person had been noticed, and I was worth saving. The really sad thing is, in many parts of the world, we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default, that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us. But most strangers aren't dangerous. We're uneasy around them because we have no context. We don't know what their intentions are. So instead of using our perceptions and making choices, we rely on this category of "stranger."
Bilo je to čudno iskustvo, ali i pomalo krasno. Bio je tako srdačan i tako sretan što me spasio. Povezali smo se. Osjećala sam se kao da je moje postojanje napokon primijećeno i da zaslužujem biti spašena. Tužno je kako nas u mnogim dijelovima svijeta uče da su stranci općenito opasni, da im ne možemo vjerovati i da bi nam mogli nauditi. No, većina stranaca nije opasna. Neugodno nam je u njihovu društvu jer nam nedostaje kontekst. Ne znamo kakve su im namjere, pa umjesto da odlučujemo na temelju naših opažanja, oslanjamo se na kategoriju stranca.
I have a four-year-old. When I say hello to people on the street, she asks me why. She says, "Do we know them?"
Imam četverogodišnju djevojčicu. Kada pozdravljam ljude na ulici, pita me zašto to radim. Pita me znamo li ih.
I say, "No, they're our neighbor."
Kažem: ne, to nam je susjed.
"Are they our friend?"
Upita: je li nam prijatelj?
"No, it's just good to be friendly."
Odgovaram: ne, ali lijepo je biti pristojan.
I think twice every time I say that to her, because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly, I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions. It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be, but none of that means we have to be afraid.
Svaki put dvaput razmislim kad joj to kažem jer to zaista mislim, ali ako ste žena, znam da nema svaki stranac s ulice najbolje namjere. Lijepo je biti pristojan i lijepo je znati kada to ne moramo biti, ali to ne znači da se moramo bojati.
There are two huge benefits to using our senses instead of our fears. The first one is that it liberates us. When you think about it, using perception instead of categories is much easier said than done. Categories are something our brains use. When it comes to people, it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them. We see male, female, young, old, black, brown, white, stranger, friend, and we use the information in that box. It's quick, it's easy and it's a road to bias. And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals. I know an American researcher who travels frequently in Central Asia and Africa, alone. She's entering into towns and cities as a complete stranger. She has no bonds, no connections. She's a foreigner. Her survival strategy is this: get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person. If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too.
Možemo izvući dvije velike koristi oslanjanjem na osjetila umjesto na strah. Prva - oslobađa nas. Razmislite malo, opažanje umjesto kategoriziranja lakše je u teoriji nego u praksi. Naši mozgovi također kategoriziraju. Kad su ljudi u pitanju, to je prečac do učenja o njima. Vidimo muško, žensko, mlado, staro, crno, smeđe, bijelo, stranca, prijatelja i koristimo informacije iz tih polja. Jednostavno je, brzo i vodi do predrasuda. To znači da ne gledamo na ljude kao na pojedince. Jedna američka istraživačica često sama putuje u središnju Aziju i Afriku. Ulazi u gradove kao potpuni stranac. Nema nikakvih veza koje može povući. Tuđinac je. Ovako ona preživljava: ako vas jedan stranac vidi kao pravu osobu, kao pojedinca, i drugi će vas tako gledati.
The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy. I know it sounds a little counterintuitive, intimacy and strangers, but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy." So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning. It's the good feeling I got from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man, or how I feel like part of a community when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work.
Druga korist dobivena korištenjem osjetila povezana je s intimnosti. Znam da se protivi intuiciji, intimnost i stranci, ali ove brze interakcije dovode do osjećaja koji sociolozi nazivaju prolaznom intimnosti. To kratkotrajno iskustvo ima emocionalni odjek i značenje. Ja sam se dobro osjećala kad me onaj starac spasio od nestajanja, a tako se osjećam i kada postajem dio zajednice razgovarajući s nekim kad idem na posao.
Sometimes it goes further. Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers than they do with their friends and their families -- that they often feel more understood by strangers. This gets reported in the media with great lament. "Strangers communicate better than spouses!" It's a good headline, right? I think it entirely misses the point. The important thing about these studies is just how significant these interactions can be; how this special form of closeness gives us something we need as much as we need our friends and our families.
Nekad koristi ne staju tu. Istraživači su otkrili da je ljudima ugodnije biti iskren i otvoren o osobnim stvarima sa strancima nego s prijateljima i obitelji. Često osjećaju da ih stranci bolje razumiju. O tome se stalno govori u medijima. "Stranci komuniciraju bolje od bračnih drugova." Dobra je to naslovnica, zar ne? Mislim da ne shvaća bit. Ono što je važno kod ovih istraživanja jest koliko važne ovakve interakcije mogu biti, kako nam poseban oblik bliskosti daje ono što nam je potrebno jednako kao i prijatelji i obitelji.
So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers? There are two reasons. The first one is that it's a quick interaction. It has no consequences. It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right? That makes sense. The second reason is where it gets more interesting. We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to. We expect them to understand us. We assume they do, and we expect them to read our minds. So imagine you're at a party, and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early. And you're thinking, "I gave you the look."
Kako je moguće da tako dobro komuniciramo sa strancima? Postoje dva razloga. Razlog prvi: to je brza interakcija bez posljedica. Lako je biti iskren prema nekome koga više nikada nećemo vidjeti, zar ne? Ima smisla. Razlog drugi puno je zanimljiviji. Imamo određene predrasude prema ljudima s kojima smo bliski. Očekujemo od njih da nas razumiju. Pretpostavljamo to, a i očekujemo od njih da nam čitaju misli. Zamislite da ste na tulumu i ne možete vjerovati da vaš prijatelj ili supružnik ne shvaća da vam se ide kući. Mislite si: "Pa pogledao sam te značajno."
With a stranger, we have to start from scratch. We tell the whole story, we explain who the people are, how we feel about them; we spell out all the inside jokes. And guess what? Sometimes they do understand us a little better.
Sa strancima moramo početi ni od čega. Ispričamo im cijelu priču, objasnimo ljude i naše misli o njima, objašnjavamo interne fore. I znate što? Nekada nas zaista bolje razumiju.
OK. So now that we know that talking to strangers matters, how does it work? There are unwritten rules we tend to follow. The rules are very different depending on what country you're in, what culture you're in. In most parts of the US, the baseline expectation in public is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy. This is known as civil inattention. So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street. They'll glance at each other from a distance. That's the civility, the acknowledgment. And then as they get closer, they'll look away, to give each other some space.
Dobro. Sad kad znamo da je bitno razgovarati sa strancima, zapitajmo se kako funkcionira. Moramo slijediti neka nepisana pravila. Ta se pravila razlikuju od zemlje do zemlje, od kulture do kulture. U većem dijelu SAD-a, u javnosti se očekuje da se održava ravnoteža između pristojnosti i privatnosti, što je poznato kao pristojna nepažnja. Zamislite dvoje ljudi koji na ulici hodaju ususret jedno drugome. Pogledaju jedno drugo iz daljine. To je pristojnost, priznanje. Što se više približavaju, skrenu pogled kako bi drugome dali prostora.
In other cultures, people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all. People from Denmark tell me that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers, that they would rather miss their stop on the bus than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around. Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags and using your body to say that you need to get past, instead of using two words.
U drugim kulturama, ljudi se nevjerojatno trude oko neinterakcije. Danci su mi rekli da su neki od njih toliko protiv interakcije sa strancima da bi radije propustili svoj izlaz na autobusu nego zamolili nekoga da se makne kako bi oni prošli. Stoga bučno premještaju vrećice i komešaju se kako bi neverbalno izrazili da žele da se maknete, umjesto da kažu te dvije riječi.
In Egypt, I'm told, it's rude to ignore a stranger, and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality. Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water. Or, if you ask someone for directions, they're very likely to invite you home for coffee. We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken, or when you're in a new place and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
Čujem da je u Egiptu nepristojno ignorirati stranca te postoji kultura gostoljubivosti. Stranci međusobno jedno od drugoga mogu tražiti gutljaj vode, a ako nekoga pitate za put, vrlo vjerojatno će vas pozvati da uđete na kavu. Ova nepisana pravila najvidljivija su kada ih se prekrši ili kada se nađete u nepoznatom okruženju i pokušavate shvatiti što trebate činiti.
Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is. In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK? So here's how it's going to go. Find somebody who is making eye contact. That's a good signal. The first thing is a simple smile. If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile. See what happens.
Nekad je najzanimljivije kad prekršite pravila. Ako nisam bila dovoljno jasna, stvarno želim da ovo učinite. Ovako. Uspostavite kontakt očima s nekim. To je dobar znak. Prvo se samo nasmiješite. Ako prolazite kraj nekoga na ulici ili ovdje u hodniku, nasmiješite se i pratite što se događa.
Another is triangulation. There's you, there's a stranger, there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on, like a piece of public art or somebody preaching in the street or somebody wearing funny clothes. Give it a try. Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.
Možete pokušati i triangulaciju. Postojite vi, stranac i neka treća stvar koju oboje vidite i prokomentirate - nešto poput javnog umjetničkog djela, ili govornika na ulici ili nekoga tko je smiješno obučen. Pokušajte. Komentirajte tu treću stvar i pratite hoće li se iz toga izroditi razgovor.
Another is what I call noticing. This is usually giving a compliment. I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes. I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now, but shoes are fabulous in general. And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes. People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.
Imate još jednu opciju: primjećivanje koje se sastoji od davanja komplimenata. Ja obožavam primjećivati cipele. Trenutno ne nosim neke fantastične cipele, ali općenito gledajući, cipele su fantastične i pružaju prilično neutralan teren za davanje komplimenata. Ljudi vam uvijek žele pričati o svojim fantastičnim cipelama.
You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle. It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street; you don't know how they're going to respond. But you can always talk to their dog or their baby. The dog or the baby is a social conduit to the person, and you can tell by how they respond whether they're open to talking more.
Možda ste već doživjeli princip s bebama i psima. Može biti neugodno razgovarati s nekim na ulici, ne znate kako će reagirati, ali uvijek možete pričati sa psom ili djetetom. Pas ili dijete društvena je provodna materija do osobe i po tome kako reagiraju možete vidjeti jesu li zainteresirani za dublju priču.
The last one I want to challenge you to is disclosure. This is a very vulnerable thing to do, and it can be very rewarding. So next time you're talking to a stranger and you feel comfortable, tell them something true about yourself, something really personal. You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.
Želim vas potaknuti na još jednu stvar - razotkrivanje. To je nešto što ustinu pokazuje slabost, no donijet će vam veliku dobit. Sljedeći put kad budete pričali sa strancem i bude vam neugodno, recite im jednu istinu o sebi, nešto osobno. Možda se osjetite shvaćeno.
Sometimes in conversation, it comes up, people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?" And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, which is that he died when I was a kid. Always in those moments, they share their own experiences of loss. We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, even with strangers.
Nekad za vrijeme razgovora ljudi me pitaju čime mi se tata bavi ili gdje živi. Nekad kažem cijelu istinu, da je umro kad sam bila mala. U tim trenutcima stranci izreknu vlastita iskustva s gubitkom. Razotkrivanje prati razotkrivanje, čak i kad su stranci u pitanju.
So, here it is. When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life and theirs. You're making unexpected connections. If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that. We spend a lot of time teaching our children about strangers. What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves? We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other. We could make a space for change.
To je to. Razgovarajući sa strancima stvarate prekrasne prekide očekivanih narativa vašeg svakodnevnog života, ali i njihovog. Stvarate neočekivane poveznice. Ako ne razgovarate sa strancima, propuštate sve to. Puno vremena provodimo učeći našu djecu o strancima. Što kad bismo više vremena proveli učeći sebe? Odbacili bismo sve ideje zbog kojih smo sumnjičavi jedni prema drugima. Napravili bismo prostora za promjenu.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)