For a long time in my life, I felt like I'd been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees, and then there's the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. That's the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, that's what they would tell you. And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, I'd probably say some of those same things. And I wouldn't be lying, but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, that's just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day.
Per nje kohe te gjate ne jeten time, ndjeja sikur po jetoja dy jete te ndryshme. Jeten qe shohin te gjithe, dhe jeten qe vetem une e shoh. Dhe ne jeten qe shohin te gjithe une jam nje mik, nje djale, nje vella, nje komedian dhe nje adoleshent. Kjo eshte jeta qe shohin te gjithe. Nese do t'i kerkonit miqvee dhe familjes sime te me pershkruajne, ata do te thonin kete liste. Dhe ajo eshte nje pjese e madhe imja. Ajo eshte cka une jam. Dhe nese do me pyesnit mua te pershkruaja veten time, me siguri mundesi do permendja disa nga ato gjera. Dhe nuk do shtiresha, por nuk do te isha duke thene te verteten e plote, sepse e verteta eshte, se ajo eshte thjesht jeta qe shohin te tjeret. Ne jeten qe e shoh vetem une, ai qe une jam, ai qe jam vertete, eshte dikush qe lufton intensivisht depresionin. E kam bere per gjashte vitet e fundit ne jeten time, dhe vazhdoj t'a bej cdo dite.
Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because there's this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you don't get the job you wanted. But that's sadness. That's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion. Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.
Per dike qe nuk ka vuajtur kurre nga depresioni ose qe nuk e di cfare eshte vertete, per te kjo mund te jete nje surprize, sepse ekziston nje ide e gabuar por popullore qe depresioni eshte kur ti je i merzitur meqenese dicka po shkon keq ne jeten tende, kur ndahesh nga e dashura, kur humbet nje person te dashur, kur nuk fiton punen qe doje. Por kjo eshte thjesht merzitje. Eshte dicka natyrale. Eshte nje emocion natyral human. Depresioni i vertet nuk eshte te jesh i merzitur kur dicka ne jeten tende shkon keq. Depresioni i vertete eshte te jesh i merzitur kur gjithcka ne jeten tende shkon mire. Ky eshte depresion i vertete, dhe nga kjo vuaj une.
And to be totally honest, that's hard for me to stand up here and say. It's hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no one's talking about it. And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now it's a massive problem. It's a massive problem. But we don't see it on social media, right? We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter. We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy, it's not fun, it's not light. And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.
Dhe per te qene totalisht i sinqerte, eshte e veshtire per mua te qendroj ketu e ta them kete. Eshte e veshtire per mua te diskutoj per kete, dhe me sa duket te gjithe e kane te veshtire, aq te veshtire, saqe pothuajse askush nuk diskuton per te. Askush nuk flet per depresionin, por ne duhet medoemos te flasim, sepse sot ai eshte nje problem masiv. Eshte problem masiv. Po ne nuk lexojme per te ne mediat sociale, apo jo? Nuk e shohim ne Facebook. Nuk e shohim ne Twitter. Nuk e shohim ne lajme sepse nuk eshte lajm i bukur, nuk eshte argetues, nuk eshte i lehte. Dhe duke qene se nuk e shohim, nuk dallojme se sa i rende eshte ai.
But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but it's happening, and it's happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, "So what?" So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem. That's their problem." We say we're sad and we say we're sorry, but we also say, "So what?"
Por rendesia dhe serioziteti i tij shprehet keshtu: cdo 30 sekonda, cdo 30 sekonda, diku, dikush i jep fund jetes per shkak te depresionit, dhe mund te jete dy lagje me tej, mund te jete dy shtete me tej, dy kontinente larg, por kjo ndodh, dhe po ndodh cdo dite. Dhe ne si shoqeri kemi prirjen, t'a degjojme kete dhe te themi, "E po pastaj?" Po pastaj? E degjojme dhe themi, "Ky eshte problemi yt. Ky eshte problem i tyre." Themi qe merzitemi dhe na vjen keq, por gjithashtu themi dhe, "Po pastaj?"
Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where I'd sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal. You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.
Mire pra, dy vite me pare ky ishte problemi im, sepse isha ulur ne anen e krevatit tim aty ku kisha qendruar me miliona here me pare dhe po mendoja vetevrasjen. Po e mendoja, dhe po ta shihnit jeten time ne siperfaqe, nuk do shihnit nje djale qe ishte gati te vetevritej. Do shihnit nje djale i cili ishte kapiten i skuadres se tij te basketbollit, studenti i vitit ne lenden e drames dhe teatrit, studenti i vitit i Anglishtes, nje djale qe ishte vazhdimisht ne listen e nderit dhe qe merrte pjese ne cdo feste. Pra do thonit qe nuk isha ne depresion, do thonit qe nuk isha gati te vrisja veten, por do kishit gabuar. Do kishit gabuar. U ula aty ate nate ne krahe te nje shisheje me ilace, me nje leter dhe laps ne dore dhe mendova ti jap fund jetes sime dhe ju afrova kaq afer. Iu afrova aq shume atij veprimi.
And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.
Por nuk e bera, dhe kjo tregon se jam prej fatlumeve, nje nga ata njerez qe arrin deri tek buza e humneres, sheh poshte por nuk hidhet, nje nga fatlumet qe mbijetojne. Une mbijetova, dhe tani me ngelet vec historia ime, dhe historia ime eshte kjo: Ne kater fjale te thjeshta, une vuaj nga depresioni. Vuaj nga depresioni, supozoj prej nje kohe te gjate, jetoja dy jete totalisht te ndryshme, ku njeri person kishte frike tjetrin. Kisha frike se njerezit do shikonin tek une ate qe isha vertet, qe une nuk isha femija perfekt, i famshem ne gjimnaz, qe te gjithe mendonin se une isha, qe pas buzeqeshjes sime, kishte nje lufte, dhe pertej drites time, kishte erresire, dhe pertej personalitetit tim te forte fshihej nje dhimbje edhe me e forte.
See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if I'm being totally honest, standing here I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness, that's the struggle, that's depression, and depression isn't chicken pox. You don't beat it once and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others, it's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it. It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though it's keeping you in bed every day and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say you're having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because you're depressed? That's the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health. And that's ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet it's one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.
Disa njerez kane frike se vajzat nuk do t'i pelqejne. Disa kane frike nga peshkaqenet. Disa nga vdekja. Por une, per nje kohe te gjate te jetes time, une kisha frike nga vetja. Kisha frike nga e verteta ime, nga sinqeriteti im, nga dobesia ime, dhe ajo frike me beri te ndjehesha sikur isha i zene ne nje cep, sikur isha i zene ne nje cep dhe rrugedalja ishte vetem nje, dhe keshtu mendoja cdo dite per te. E mendoja ate cdo dite, dhe duke qene se sot, teksa qendroj para jush, po tregohem i totalisht i sinqerte, ju them se e kam menduar ate perseri, sepse semundja eshte e tille, kjo eshte lufta, ky eshte depresioni, dhe depresioni nuk eshte si semundja e lise. Nuk mund t'a luftosh nje here dhe te presesh qe te zhduket pergjithmone. Eshte dicka qe jeton me ty. Eshte dicka qe ti e jeton. Eshte shoku i dhomes qe nuk mund ta perzesh. Eshte zeri qe ti nuk mund ta injorosh. Eshte ndjesia se nuk mund te arratisesh, pjesa me e frikshme eshte qe pas nje fare kohe, ti mpihesh. Ai behet normale per ty, dhe ajo cka te frikeson me shume nuk eshte vuajtja brenda teje. Eshte njolla brenda te tjereve, eshte turpi, eshte veshtiresia, eshte shikimi mosmiratues ne fytyren e nje miku, jane thashethemet ne korridor qe thone se ti je i dobet, jane komentet se ti je i cmendur. Pikerisht kjo te pengon per te kerkuar ndihme. Te detyron ta mbash brenda dhe ta fshehesh. Eshte njolla. Pra e mban brenda dhe e fsheh, e mban brenda dhe e fsheh, dhe, edhe pse te mban cdo dite ne krevat dhe e ben jeten tende boshe pavaresisht sa shume perpiqesh ta mbushesh, ti e fsheh, sepse njolla qe i vendos shoqeria jone depresionit eshte shume e vertete. Eshte shume e vertete, dhe nese mendoni qe nuk eshte, bejini vetes kete pyetje: Ne statusin e ardhshem ne Facebook do te shkruanit me mire qe keni veshtiresi per tu cuar nga krevati sepse ju dhemb shpina apo qe keni veshtiresi per tu cuar nga krevati cdo mengjes sepse jeni depresive? Kjo eshte njolla, sepse fatkeqesisht, jetojme ne nje bote ku nese ti thyen krahun, te gjithe vrapojne qe te firmosin ne allcine tende, por nese i thua njerezve qe je depresiv, te gjithe vrapojne ne drejtimin tjeter. Kjo eshte njolla. Jemi kaq shume te gatshem te pranojme cdo thyerje te trupit tone por jo te trurit tone. Dhe kjo eshte injorance. Kjo eshte injorance e paster, dhe kjo injorance ka krijuar nje bote e cila nuk e kupton depresionin, qe nuk e kupton shendetin mendor. Dhe kjo per mua eshte ironike, sepse depresioni eshte nje nga problemet me te mire-dokumentuara qe ne kemi ne bote, por eshte nje prej atyre qe diskutohen me pak. Ne thjesht e leme menjane dhe e vendosim ne nje cep dhe pretendojme qe nuk eshte aty dhe se do rregullohet vete.
Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to, because that's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination, and we can't procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.
Por nuk do rregullohet, nuk ka ndodhur dhe nuk do ndodhe, sepse kjo do te thote te shprehesh nje deshire, por te shprehesh nje deshire nuk do te thote te kesh nje plan loje, do te thote zvarritje, dhe nuk mund te zvarrisim dicka ka te rendesishme. Hapi i pare ne zgjidhjen e nje problemi eshte te kuptosh se ai ekziston. Ne nuk e kemi bere kete, ndaj nuk mund te presim qe te gjejme nje pergjigje kur kemi ende frike nga pyetja.
And I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if there's one thing that I've come to realize, if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem, it's not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where we're okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is society's deep cut that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.
Dhe une nuk e di zgjidhjen. Do deshiroja ta dija, por nuk e di... por mendoj, mendoj se duhet te nisi ketu. Duhet te nisi me mua, duhet te nisi me ju, duhet te nisi me njerezit qe po vuajne, me ata qe fshihen neper hije. Duhet te ngreme zerin dhe te thyejme heshtjen. Duhet te jemi te guximshem per ate qe besojme, sepse gjeja e pare qe une kam kuptuar, problemi me i rendesishem qe duhet zgjidhur, nuk eshte ndertimi i nje bote ku ne eliminojme injorancen e te tjereve. Eshte ndertimi i nje bote ku ne mesojme te pranojme veten, aty ku jemi ne rregull me ate cka jemi, sepse kur ne tregohemi te sinqerte, shohim se te gjithe luftojme dhe te gjithe vuajme. Qofte per kete problem, apo per dicka tjeter, te gjithe e dime cdo te thote te vuash. Te gjithe e dime cdo te thote te kesh dhimbje ne zemer, dhe te gjithe e dime sa e rendesishme eshte t'a sherojme ate. Por momentalisht, depresioni eshte plaga e thelle e shoqerise te ciles ne mjaftohemi duke i vendosur nje fasho dhe pretendojme se nuk eshte aty.
Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay. Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay. And know that you're sick, you're not weak, and it's an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and that's just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it. Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys, but only to show me there's peaks, and yeah it's dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we're measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, "I'm going through hell," and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay, and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people. We're people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You're wrong, because it's the opposite. We're people, and we have problems. We're not perfect, and that's okay.
Por ajo eshte aty. Eshte aty, dhe e dini cfare? Nuk ka problem. Depresioni eshte normal. Nese jeni duke e kaluar, duhet te dini se nuk ka problem. Dhe duhet te dini se jeni te semure, e jo te dobet, dhe eshte nje problem, por jo identitet, sepse kur te kaloni friken dhe talljet dhe gjykimet apo turpin e te tjereve, do ta shihni depresionin per ate cka eshte vertete, dhe ajo eshte thjesht nje pjese e jetes, thjesht nje pjese e jetes, dhe sado te urrej, sado te urrej disa nga vendet, disa nga momentet e jetes time qe depresioni me ka bere te jetoj, une i jam atij mirenjohes ne shume menyra . Sepse po, me ka vendosur neper lugina, por vetem per te me treguar majat, dhe po me ka terhequr neper erresire por vetem per te me kujtuar se ka drite. Dhimbja ime, me shume se gjithcka tjeter ne keto 19 vitet e mia ne kete planet, me ka dhene prespektive, dhe vuajtja ime, vuajtja ime me ka detyruar te kem shprese, te kem shprese dhe besim ne vetvete. Besim tek te tjeret, besim qe mund te behet me mire, se ne mund ta ndryshojme kete, se ne mund ta ngreme zerin dhe te flasim dhe te luftojme kunder injorances, te luftojme kundra mos-tolerances, dhe me shume se gjithcka, te mesojme te duam veten tone, te mesojme te pranojme vetveten per ate cka jemi, njerezit qe jemi, jo njerezit qe bota do qe ne te jemi. Sepse bota ku une besoj eshte ajo ku te perqafosh driten tende nuk do te thote te injorosh erresiren. Bota ku une besoj eshte ajo ku ne vleresohemi nga aftesia per ti mundur fatkeqesite pa i shmangur ato. Bota ku une besoj eshte ajo ku une mund te shoh dike ne sy dhe ti them, "Po kaloj neper ferr," dhe ata te me shohin e te me thone, "Edhe une" dhe kjo eshte normale, dhe eshte ne rregull sepse depresioni eshte dicka normale. Ne jemi njerez. Jemi njerez, dhe luftojme e vuajme dhe na pikon gjaku dhe qajme, dhe nese mendoni se forca e vertete do te thote te mos tregosh kurre dobesi, atehere une jam ketu per t'ju thene se e keni gabim. E keni gabim, sepse e kunderta eshte e vertete. Jemi njerez dhe kemi probleme. Nuk jemi perfekte, dhe kjo eshte normale.
So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together.
Pra na duhet ti japim fund injorances, te ndalojme injorancen, te fshijme njollat, dhe ti japim fund heshtjes, dhe na duhet te zhbejme tabute, ti hedhim nje sy te vertetes, dhe te nisim te flasim, sepse e vetmja menyre per ta zgjidhur nje problem qe njerezit po e luftojne vetem eshte duke qene te forte se bashku, duke qene te forte se bashku.
And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause)
Dhe une mendoj se ne mundemi. Mendoj se mundemi. Ju falenderoj shume. Kjo eshte ne enderr qe u be realitet. Faleminderit. (Duartrokitje) Faleminderit. (Duartrokitje)