For a long time in my life, I felt like I'd been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees, and then there's the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. That's the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, that's what they would tell you. And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, I'd probably say some of those same things. And I wouldn't be lying, but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, that's just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day.
Dugo vremena u mom životu, osjećao sam se kao da živim dva različita života. Jedan život koji svi vide i drugi koji samo ja vidim. U životu koji svi vide, ja sam prijatelj, sin, brat, stand-up komičar i tinejdžer. To je život koji svi vide. Ako biste pitali prijatelje i obitelj da me opišu, to bi vam rekli. To je veliki dio mene. To sam ja. Ako biste mene pitali da sam sebe opišem, vjerojatno bih vam rekao te iste stvari. I ne bih vam lagao, ali niti bih vam rekao skroz istinu, zato što je istina da je to samo život koji svi drugi vide. U životu koji samo ja vidim, tko sam ja, tko sam zaista ja, ja sam osoba koja se intenizivno bori sa depresijom. Tako je zadnjih šest godina mog života i tako je svaki dan.
Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because there's this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you don't get the job you wanted. But that's sadness. That's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion. Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.
Netko tko nikada nije iskusio depresiju ili mu nije jasno što to znači, to bih ih moglo iznenaditi jer prevladava pogrešno shvaćanje da je depresija stanje tuge kada nešto u životu krene po zlu, prekineš sa djevojkom, izgubiš nekoga koga voliš, ne dobiješ posao kojeg želiš. Međutim, to je tuga. To je normalno. To je normalna ljudska emocija. Prava depresija nije biti tužan kada nešto u životu krene po zlu. Prava depresija je biti tužan kada je sve u tvom životu dobro. To je prava depresija i od toga ja bolujem.
And to be totally honest, that's hard for me to stand up here and say. It's hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no one's talking about it. And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now it's a massive problem. It's a massive problem. But we don't see it on social media, right? We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter. We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy, it's not fun, it's not light. And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.
Da budem potpuno iskren, teško mi je ovdje stajati i to reći. Teško mi je o tome pričati i čini se da je svakome teško o tome pričati, toliko da nitko o tome ne priča. I nitko ne priča o depresiji, ali trebali bismo jer je to ogroman problem. To je ogroman problem. Ali to ne vidimo u masovnim medijima, zar ne? To ne vidimo na Facebooku. Niti na Twitteru. Niti na vijestima, zato što nije veselo, nije zabavno, nije lako. I zato što se ne susrećemo s time, ne vidimo ozbiljnost toga.
But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but it's happening, and it's happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, "So what?" So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem. That's their problem." We say we're sad and we say we're sorry, but we also say, "So what?"
Težina i ozbiljnost toga jest da svakih 30 sekundi, svakih 30 sekundi, negdje, netko u svijetu si oduzme život zbog depresije, možda se događa dvije ulice dalje, dvije države dalje, dva kontinenta dalje, ali se događa i događa se svaki dan. Mi kao društvo imamo sklonost da to vidimo i kažemo: "Pa što onda?" "Pa što onda?" Vidmo i kažemo: "To je tvoj problem. To je njihov problem." Kažemo da smo tužni i da nam je žao, ali isto tako kažemo: "Pa što?"
Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where I'd sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal. You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.
Prije dvije godine to je bio moj problem, zato što sam sjedio na rubu kreveta gdje sam sjedio milijun puta prije i bio sam suicidalan. Bio sam suicidalan, a kada biste pogledali moj život na površini, ne biste vidjeli klinca koji je bio suicidalan. Vidjeli biste klinca koji je bio kapetan košarkaškog tima, najboljeg studenta glume i dramaturgije, najboljeg studenta engleskog, nekog tko je neprekidno primao priznanja i dosljedno bio na svakoj zabavi. Rekli biste da nisam depresivan, rekli biste da nisam suicidalan, ali bili biste u krivu. I tako sam sjedio te noći kraj bočice pilula, s olovkom i papirom u ruci i razmišljao da si oduzmem život i došao sam poprilično blizu da to učinim. Došao sam ovoliko blizu da to učinim.
And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.
Ali nisam i to me čini srećkovićem, jednim od onih koji dođu do litice i pogledaju dolje, ali se ne bace, jednim od sretnika koji su preživjeli. Preživio sam i tu je nastala moja priča, a moja priča je: u četiri jednostavne riječi, ja patim od depresije. Patim od depresije, i mislim da sam dugo vremena živio dva potpuno različita života, gdje se jedna osoba uvijek bojala druge. Bojao sam se da će ljudi vidjeti tko sam zaista, da nisam savršen, popularan srednjoškolac za kojeg su me svi smatrali, ispod mog osmijeha krila se borba, ispod mog svijetla, tama, a ispod moje velike osobnosti se krila još veća patnja.
See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if I'm being totally honest, standing here I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness, that's the struggle, that's depression, and depression isn't chicken pox. You don't beat it once and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others, it's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it. It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though it's keeping you in bed every day and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say you're having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because you're depressed? That's the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health. And that's ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet it's one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.
Neki dečki se boje da se neće svidjeti djevojkama. Neki ljudi se boje morskih pasa. Neki se boje smrti. Ali ja, veći dio svog života, bojao sam se samog sebe. Bojao sam se svoje istine, poštenja, ranjivosti i zbog tog straha sam se osjećao kao da sam stjeran u kut, kao da sam stjeran u kut iz kojeg postoji samo jedan izlaz van i tako sam razmišljao svaki dan. Razmišljao sam o tome svaki dan i da budem u potpunosti iskren, stojeći ovdje razmišljao sam ponovno o tome jer je to bolest, to je borba, to je depresija i ona nije kao vodene kozice. Ne prebrodite ju jednom i onda nestane zauvijek. To je nešto s čime živite. To je nešto u čemu živite. To je cimer kojeg ne možete izbaciti van. To je glas kojeg ne možete ignorirati. To su osjećaji kojima ne možete pobjeći, a najstrašniji dio je da nakon određenog vremena, postanete nijemi na to. Postane normalno i ono čega se najviše bojite, nije patnja koju osjećate iznutra, nego stigma u očima drugih, sram, osramoćenost, neodobravanje na licima prijatelja, došaptavanje na hodnicima da ste slabić, komentari da ste luđak. To vas prijeći da potražite pomoć. Zato to držite za sebe i skrivate. To je stigma. I tako to držite u sebi i skrivate, držite i skrivate, i iako ste prikovani uz krevet svaki dan, a vaš život se čini praznim bez obzira koliko se trudite da ga popunite, svejedno to skrivate jer je stigma u društvu u vezi depresije prevelika. Stvarna je i ako mislite da nije, pitajte se: Biste li radije napisali na Facebooku da vam se teško dignuti iz kreveta jer ste ozlijedili leđa ili da vam se teško dignuti iz kreveta svako jutro jer ste depresivni? To je ta stigma jer, nažalost, živimo u svijetu u kojem ako slomite ruku, svatko trči da vam se potpiše na gips, ali ako kažete ljudima da ste depresivni, svi bježe od vas. To je stigma. Mi tako, tako, tako lako prihvaćamo propadanje bilo kojeg dijela tijela osim našeg mozga. I to je neznanje. To je čisto neznanje i to neznanje stvara svijet koji ne razumije depresiju, koji ne razumije mentalno zdravlje. I to je ironično zato što je depresija jedna od najbolje dokumentiranih problema u svijetu, ali se ipak o tome najmanje priča. Mi to samo stavimo sa strane, u kut i pretvaramo se da nije tu i da će se riješiti samo od sebe.
Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to, because that's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination, and we can't procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.
Neće. Nije i neće, to su samo puste želje, a puste želje ne mijenjaju stvari, nego su odugovlačenje, a ne smijemo odugovlačiti s nečim tako ozbiljnim. Prvi korak u rješavanju bilo kojeg problema je priznati da postoji. Mi to još nismo učinili, tako da ne možemo očekivati da ćemo naći odgovor na pitanja koja se još uvijek bojimo postaviti.
And I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if there's one thing that I've come to realize, if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem, it's not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where we're okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is society's deep cut that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.
Ne znam koje je riješenje. Volio bih da znam, ali ne znam -- ali mislim, mislim da mora početi ovdje. Mora početi sa mnom, s vama, s ljudima koje pate, s onima koji se skrivaju u sjeni. Trebamo progovoriti i razbiti tišinu. Trebamo biti hrabri u onome u što vjerujemo, zato što jedna stvar koju sam shvatio, jedna stvar koju vidim kao najveći problem nije sagraditi svijet eliminirajući neznanje drugih. Nego sagraditi svijet u kojem učimo kako prihvatiti sebe, u kojem smo ok s onim što jesmo, zato što kada smo iskreni, shvatimo da svi mi se borimo i mučimo. Bez obzira dali je to zbog toga, ili zbog nečeg drugog, svi znamo što je povrijeđenost. Svi znamo kako je osjećati bol u srcu, i koliko je važno da rane zacijele. Ali trenutačno sada, depresija je duboka rana društva na koju spremno stavljamo flaster i pretvarmo se da nije tu.
Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay. Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay. And know that you're sick, you're not weak, and it's an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and that's just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it. Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys, but only to show me there's peaks, and yeah it's dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we're measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, "I'm going through hell," and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay, and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people. We're people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You're wrong, because it's the opposite. We're people, and we have problems. We're not perfect, and that's okay.
Ovdje je. Ovdje je i znato što? U redu je. Depresija je u redu. Ako prolazite kroz nju, znajte da ste u redu. Znajte da ste bolesni, niste slabić, i da je to problem, a ne vaš identitet, jer kada nadiđete strah i ismijavanje, osuđivanje i stigmu od strane drugih, možete vidjeti depresiju kao ono što zaista jest, kao dio života, samo dio života, i koliko god mrzim, koliko god mrzim neka mjesta u koja me uvukla depresija, u mnogočemu sam joj zahvalan. Zato što me je stavila u nizine, kako bi mi pokazala da postoje vrhunci, i da, uvukla me u tamu kako bi me podsjetila da postoji svijetlo. Moja patnja, više nego išta u 19 godina na ovom planetu, dala mi je drugčiju perspektivu, a moja bol me natjerala da imam nadu, da imam nadu i vjeru, vjeru u sebe, vjeru u druge, vjeru da će biti bolje, da možemo ovo promjeniti, da možemo progovoriti i pričati o tome i boriti se protiv neznanja, boriti se protiv netolerancije, i više nego išta, naučiti kako voljeti sebe, naučiti prihvaćati sebe kakvima jesmo, ljudi kakvi jesmo, a ne onakvi kakve svijet želi da budemo. Svijet u koji ja vjerujem je onaj u kojem prihvaćanjem svog svijetla ne znači ignorirati svoju tamu. Svijet u koji ja vjerujem je onaj u kojem se cijeni sposobnost da predvladamo suprotnosti, a ne da ih izbjegavamo. Svijet u koji ja vjerujem je onaj u kojem mogu pogledati nekoga u oči i reći: "Prolazim kroz pakao", a oni me mogu pogledati i reći: "I ja isto" i to je u redu, u redu je zato što je depresija u redu. Ljudi smo. Ljudi smo, borimo se, patimo, krvarimo, plačemo, i ako mislite da prava snaga znači nikada ne pokazati slabost, onda sam ja tu da vam kažem da ste u krivu. U krivu ste jer je baš suprotno. Mi smo ljudi i imamo probleme. Nismo savršeni i to je ok.
So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together.
Trebamo zaustaviti neznanje. zaustaviti netoleranciju, zaustaviti stigmu, spriječiti tišinu i riješiti se tabua, pogledati istinu i početi pričati, zato što jedini način kako ćemo riješiti problem s kojim se ljudi sami bore jest da budemo snažni zajedno, snažni zajedno.
And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause)
I ja vjerujem da mi to možemo. Vjerujem da mi to možemo. Hvala vam svima. Ovo je ostvaranje mojih snova. Hvala. (Pljesak) Hvala. (Pljesak)