I en stor del af mit liv har jeg følt, at jeg har levet to forskellige liv. Der er livet, alle ser, og så er der livet, kun jeg ser. Og livet, alle ser; hvem jeg er, er en ven, en søn, en bror, en stand-up-komiker og en teenager. Der er livet, alle ser. Bad man mine nærmeste beskrive mig, så er det hvad, de ville fortælle. Det er en stor del af mig. Det er mig. Bad du mig om at beskrive mig selv, ville jeg højst sandsynligt sige nogle af de samme ting. Og det ville ikke være løgn, men det ville heller ikke være hele sandheden, for sandheden er, at det kun er det liv, som alle ser. I livet, som kun jeg ser, er hvem, jeg er, hvem jeg virkelig er, en, der intenst kæmper med depression. Det har jeg de sidste seks år af mit liv, og det fortsætter jeg med at gøre hver eneste dag.
For a long time in my life, I felt like I'd been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees, and then there's the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. That's the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, that's what they would tell you. And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, I'd probably say some of those same things. And I wouldn't be lying, but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, that's just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day.
Nogen, der aldrig har oplevet depression - ikke ved, hvad det betyder - vil måske være overraskede, for der er en ret populær misforståelse, at depression bare er, at være ked af det, når noget i ens liv går galt, når man slår op med sin kæreste, når man mister en elsket, når man ikke får det job, man ønskede. Men det er sorg. Det er en naturlig ting. Det er en naturlig menneskelig følelse. Rigtig depression er ikke at være ked af det, når noget i ens liv går galt. Rigtig depression er at være ked af det, når alt i ens liv går som det skal. Det er rigtig depression, og det er, hvad jeg lider af.
Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because there's this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you don't get the job you wanted. But that's sadness. That's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion. Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.
Og for at være helt ærlig, er det svært for mig at stå heroppe og sige. Det er svært for mig at tale om, og det virker til at være svært for alle at tale om, i sådan en grad at ingen taler om det. Og ingen taler om depression, men det skal vi, for lige nu er det et massivt problem. Det er et massivt problem. Vi ser det ikke på sociale medier, vel? Vi ser det ikke på Facebook eller Twitter. Vi ser det ikke i nyhederne. Det er ikke sjovt, ikke lyst. Og fordi vi ikke ser det, ser vi alvoren af det.
And to be totally honest, that's hard for me to stand up here and say. It's hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no one's talking about it. And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now it's a massive problem. It's a massive problem. But we don't see it on social media, right? We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter. We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy, it's not fun, it's not light. And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.
Men alvoren og seriøsiteten af det er det her: Hver 30. sekund, hver 30. sekund et eller andet sted tager nogen i verden deres eget liv på grund af depression. Og det er måske to gader væk; to lande væk; to kontinenter væk, men det sker, og det sker hver evig eneste dag. Og vi som samfund har tendens til at kigge på det og sige: "Og hvad så?" Og hvad så? Vi kigger på det og siger: "Det er dit problem. Det er deres problem." Vi siger, at vi er kede af det, men vi siger også: "Og hvad så?"
But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but it's happening, and it's happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, "So what?" So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem. That's their problem." We say we're sad and we say we're sorry, but we also say, "So what?"
For to år siden var det mit problem, for jeg sad på kanten af min seng, hvor jeg havde siddet en million gange før, og jeg havde selvmordstanker. Jeg havde selvmordstanker, og kiggede man på mit liv på overfladen, ville man ikke se et barn med selvmordstanker. Man ville se et barn, der var holdkaptajn, årets drama- og teaterelev, årets engelskelev, en æresstuderende, der altid var til alle festerne. Man ville ikke tro, jeg var deprimeret, at jeg havde selvmordstanker, men man ville tage fejl. Man ville tage fejl. Så jeg sad ved siden af en flaske piller med papir og blyant i hånden og overvejede at tage mit eget liv, og jeg var så tæt på at gøre det. Jeg var så tæt på at gøre det.
Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where I'd sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal. You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.
Og jeg gjorde det ikke, så det gør mig til en af de heldige, en af dem, der træder hen til afsatsen og kigger ned, men lader være med at springe. En af de heldige, der overlever. Jeg overlevede, og nu har jeg bare min historie, og min historie er denne: Med fire simple ord: Jeg lider af depression. Jeg lider af depression, og i lang tid, tror jeg, jeg levede to vidt forskellige liv, hvor den ene var bange for den anden. Jeg var bange for, at folk så mig for hvem, jeg var, at jeg ikke var den perfekte, populære dreng, alle troede, jeg var. At bag mit smil var en kamp, og bag mit lys var der mørke, og under min store personlighed gemte jeg endnu større smerte.
And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.
Nogle folk frygter at piger ikke også kan lide dem. Nogle frygter hajer. Nogle frygter døden. Men jeg, i en stor del af mit liv, frygtede mig selv. Jeg frygtede min sandhed, min ærlighed, min svaghed, og den frygt fik mig til at føle, at jeg var tvunget i et hjørne. At jeg var tvunget i et hjørne, og der var kun én vej ud, og det tænkte jeg på hver evig eneste dag. Jeg tænkte på det hver eneste dag, og er jeg helt ærlig, har jeg tænkt på det igen senere hen, for det er sygdommen, det er kampen, det er depression, og depression er ikke skoldkopper. Du overvinder det ikke én gang. Det er noget, du lever med. Det er noget, du lever i. Det er roomien, du ikke kan smide ud. Det er stemmen, du ikke kan ignorere. Det er følelserne, du ikke kan undslippe. For en tid er det mest skræmmende, at man bliver følelsesløs over for det. Det bliver normalt, og hvad, man faktisk frygter mest, er ikke lidelserne inde i en. Det er andres stigmatisering, det er skammen, det er forlegenheden, det er det misbilligende blik fra en vens ansigt, det er hvisken fra gangen, der siger, du er svag, kommentarerne om, at du er skør. Det er det, der forhindrer en i at søge hjælp. Det er hvad, der får en til at holde det inde og skjule det. Det er stigmatiseringen. Så man skjuler det, og man holder det inde og skjuler det, og selvom det holder en i sengen og får ens liv til at føles tomt lige meget hvad man gør, skjuler man det, for stigmatiseringen omkring depression er meget virkelig. Den er meget virkelig, og tror du, den ikke er, spørg dig selv dette: Ville du foretrække din næste status siger, at du ikke kan forlade sengen, fordi du er kommet til skade med ryggen, eller du ikke kan forlade sengen hver dag, fordi du er deprimeret? Det er stigmatiseringen, for desværre lever vi i en verden, hvor, hvis du brækker armen, kommer alle hen for at skrive på gipsen, men er du deprimeret, løber alle den anden vej. Det er stigmatiseringen. Vi er accepterende over for at hvilken som helst kropsdel går i stykker udover vores hjerne. Og det er uvidenhed. Det er ren og skær uvidenhed, der har skabt en verden, der ikke forstår depression, der ikke forstår mentalt helbred. Og det virker ironisk, for depression er en af de mest dokumenterede problemer i verden, og alligevel en af de mindst diskuterede. Vi skubber det til side og ind i et hjørne og lader som om, det ikke er der i håb om, at det ordner sig selv.
See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if I'm being totally honest, standing here I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness, that's the struggle, that's depression, and depression isn't chicken pox. You don't beat it once and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others, it's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it. It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though it's keeping you in bed every day and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say you're having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because you're depressed? That's the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health. And that's ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet it's one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.
Men det gør det ikke. Det har det ikke, og det kommer det ikke til, for det er ønsketænkning, og ønsketænkning er ikke en plan, men en overspringshandling, og vi kan ikke trække tiden ud over noget så vigtigt. Første skridt mod at løse ethvert problem er at indse, at der er et. Det har vi ikke gjort, så vi kan ikke forvente at finde et svar, når vi stadig er bange for spørgsmålet.
Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to, because that's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination, and we can't procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.
Og jeg ved ikke, hvad løsningen er. Jeg ville ønske, jeg gjorde - men jeg tror, jeg tror at det skal starte her. Det bliver nødt til at starte med mig og med jer, starte med de folk, der lider, dem der er gemt i skyggerne. Vi bliver nødt til at råbe op. Vi skal være modige for det, vi tror på, for er der én ting, jeg har indset, er der én ting, jeg ser som værende det største problem, så er det ikke at bygge en verden, hvor vi eliminerer andres uvidenhed. Det er at bygge en verden, hvor vi lærer at acceptere os selv, og er okay med os selv, for når vi er ærlige, ser vi, at vi alle kæmper og vi alle lider. Om det er med det ene eller det andet, ved vi alle hvordan det føles at være såret. Vi kender alle til smerter i hjertet, og ved alle hvor vigtigt det er at hele. Men lige nu er depression samfundets dybe flænge, som vi er okay med at putte et plaster på og ignorere.
And I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if there's one thing that I've come to realize, if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem, it's not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where we're okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is society's deep cut that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.
Men det er der. Og ved I hvad? Det er okay. Depression er okay. Hvis du går igennem det, vær klar over, at du er okay. Vid at du er syg - du er ikke svag, og det er et problem, ikke en identitet, for når man kommer forbi frygten og latterliggørelsen, og dommene og stigmaet fra andre, kan man se depression for hvad, det virkelig er, og det er bare en del af livet, bare en del af livet. Og så meget som jeg hader, så meget som jeg hader nogle af de steder, nogle af de dele af mit liv, depression har ført mig til, er jeg på mange måder taknemmelig for det. For ja, det har taget mig i dale, men kun for at vise mig toppene. Og ja, det har slæbt mig gennem mørke, men kun for at minde mig om, at der er lys. Mere end alt andet i mit 19-år lange liv har mine kvaler givet mig perspektiv, og min smerte, min smerte har tvunget mig til at have håb, have håb og tro, tro på mig selv, troen på andre, tro på at det kan blive bedre, at vi kan ændre det her, at vi kan råbe op og kæmpe tilbage mod uvidenhed, kæmpe tilbage mod uvidenhed, og mere end alt andet lære at elske os selv, lære at acceptere os selv for hvem vi er, personerne vi er, ikke personerne verden vil have os til at være. For verden, jeg tror på, er en, hvor omfavnelse af sit lys ikke betyder ignorering af sit mørke. Verden, jeg tror på, er en, hvor vi måles på vores evne til at overkomme modgang - ikke undgå dem. Verden, jeg tror på, er en, hvor jeg kan kigge nogen i øjnene og sige: "Jeg går gennem helvede," og de kan kigge tilbage på mig og sige: "Også mig," og det er okay. Og det er okay, fordi depression er okay. Vi er mennesker. Vi er mennesker, og vi lider, og vi kæmper, og vi bløder, og vi græder. Og hvis man tror, ægte styrke betyder aldrig at vise svaghed, så er jeg her for at fortælle, at man tager fejl. Man tager fejl, for det er det modsatte. Vi er mennesker, og vi har problemer. Vi er ikke perfekte, og det er okay.
Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay. Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay. And know that you're sick, you're not weak, and it's an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and that's just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it. Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys, but only to show me there's peaks, and yeah it's dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we're measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, "I'm going through hell," and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay, and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people. We're people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You're wrong, because it's the opposite. We're people, and we have problems. We're not perfect, and that's okay.
Så vi bliver nødt til at stoppe uvidenheden, stoppe intolerancen, stoppe stigmaet, og stoppe stilheden, og vi bliver nødt til at fjerne tabuerne, se på sandheden, og begynde at snakke, for den eneste måde, vi kan overvinde et problem, folk kæmper mod alene, er ved at stå sammen. Ved at stå stærkt sammen.
So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together.
Og jeg tror på, at vi kan gøre det. Jeg tror på, vi kan gøre det. Tusind tak, allesammen. Det her er en drøm, der bliver til virkelighed. Tak Tak.
And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause)