Al llarg de molt de temps m'he sentit com si visqués dues vides diferents. Per un costat hi ha la vida que tothom veu i per l'altre hi ha la vida que només veig jo. I en la vida que veu tothom, sóc un bon amic, un fill, un germà, un humorista i un adolescent. Això és el que tothom veu. Si demaneu a la meva família i amics que em descriguin us diran exactament això. I això és bona part de qui sóc. Això és el que sóc. I si em demaneu a mi que em descrigui potser diria algunes d'aquestes coses, i no estaria dient cap mentida, però tampoc us estaria dient tota la veritat, perquè la veritat és que això és només la vida que els altres veuen. En canvi, la part de mi que només conec jo, com sóc en realitat, és la d'una persona en intensa lluita contra la depressió. Ho he fet des de fa sis anys i ho continuo fent a dia d'avui.
For a long time in my life, I felt like I'd been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees, and then there's the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. That's the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, that's what they would tell you. And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, I'd probably say some of those same things. And I wouldn't be lying, but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, that's just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day.
Per a algú que mai ha patit depressió o que no sap el que vol dir això els pot sorprendre, perquè hi ha la creença errònia que la depressió és sentir-se trist quan et passa alguna cosa dolenta, com trencar amb la teva parella o perdre a la teva persona estimada, o no aconseguir la feina que volies. Però això és tristesa, i és una cosa natural. És un sentiment humà natural. La depressió de veritat no és sentir-se trist quan et passa alguna cosa dolenta. La depressió de veritat és estar trist quan tot et va bé a la teva vida. Això és la depressió de veritat, i això és el que em passa.
Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because there's this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you don't get the job you wanted. But that's sadness. That's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion. Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.
I, si voleu que us sigui sincer, és dur per a mi sortir aquí i dir-ho en veu alta. Em resulta dur parlar-ne, i sembla que parlar-ne és difícil per tothom, tant, que ningú en parla. I ningú en parla, però cal parlar-ne perquè ara mateix representa un gran problema. Un problema molt gros. Però no en sentim a parlar als mitjans de comunicació, oi que no? No ho veiem a Facebook. Ni a Twitter. No surt a les notícies, perquè no és divertit. No és divertit, no és trivial. I com no ho veiem, no som conscients de la seva importància.
And to be totally honest, that's hard for me to stand up here and say. It's hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no one's talking about it. And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now it's a massive problem. It's a massive problem. But we don't see it on social media, right? We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter. We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy, it's not fun, it's not light. And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.
Però és molt important, perquè cada 30 segons, cada 30 segons, a algun lloc del món, alguna persona es lleva la vida a causa d'una depressió, i pot passar en el nostre carrer, o en un altre país, o inclús en un altre continent, però està passant, i passa cada dia. Com a societat, tenim la tendència de veure això i pensar "I a mi què?". I què? Ho escoltem i pensem "això no va amb mi, no és problema meu". Ens fa pena i diem que ho sentim, però també diem "I què?".
But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but it's happening, and it's happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, "So what?" So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem. That's their problem." We say we're sad and we say we're sorry, but we also say, "So what?"
Doncs fa dos anys era el meu problema, perquè estava assegut a la vora del meu llit, on m'havia assegut mil cops, i tenia ideació suïcida. Pensava en el suïcidi, però si haguéssiu fet una ullada a la meva vida no hauríeu vist un nen que es vol suïcidar. Hauríeu vist un nen que era el capità de l'equip de bàsquet, l'estudiant d'art dramàtic i teatre de l'any, l'estudiant d'anglès de l'any, una persona situada constantment al quadre d'honor i present a cada festa. Així que mai haguéssiu dit que estava deprimit. O que pensava en el suïcidi, però us ha equivocaríeu. Estaríeu equivocats. Així que em trobava assegut aquella nit al costat d'un pot de pastilles, amb un bolígraf i un paper a la mà i pensant en treure'm la vida, i hi va anar d'un pèl. Hi vaig estar molt a prop.
Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where I'd sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal. You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.
Però no ho vaig fer, la qual cosa em situa entre els afortunats, un dels pocs que s'apropen al precipici i miren cap a baix però no salten, un dels afortunats que sobreviuen. Bé, jo vaig sobreviure, i això em permet contar la meva història, que és la següent: en dues paraules, tinc depressió. Tinc depressió, i em fa l'efecte que durant molt de temps he viscut dues vides totalment diferents, i era dues persones que es feien por una a l'altra. Em feia por que em veiessin tal com era realment, que descobrissin que no era el noi popular i perfecte de l'institut que tothom pensava que era, que darrere el meu somriure hi havia una lluita, que darrere la meva estela, hi havia obscuritat i darrere la meva personalitat s'amagava un dolor immens.
And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.
A algunes persones els fa por no agradar a les noies. A algunes altres els espanten els taurons, o inclús la mort, però jo, durant molt de temps, he tingut por de mi mateix. Em feia por la meva veritat, la meva sinceritat i la meva vulnerabilitat, i aquesta por em feia sentir com si estigués arraconat, com si m'haguessin arraconat i només tingués una sortida, i cada dia pensava en aquella sortida, cada dia, i si us he de dir tota la veritat hi he pensat més cops des de llavors, d'això es tracta la malaltia, aquesta és la lluita, això és la depressió, i la depressió no és com la varicel·la. No la passes un cop i ja està. Forma part de la teva vida, és la teva vida. Com un company de pis que no et pots treure de sobre. O una veu interior que no pots silenciar. Com un sentiment del que no pots escapar. El que fa més por és que, passat un temps, t'acostumes. Passa a ser una cosa normal, i el que fa més por no és el patiment a dins teu sinó l'estigma per part dels altres, la vergonya, la humiliació, notar que un amic et mira amb desaprovació, que la gent parli de tu en veu baixa pel passadís i digui que ets dèbil, els comentaris de que estàs boig. Tot això és el que fa que no demanis ajuda. Que t'ho quedis tot a dintre i ho amaguis. És l'estigma. T'ho quedes dintre i ho amagues. T'ho quedes dintre i ho amagues, i a pesar de que fa que et quedis al llit cada dia i que fa que la teva vida sembli buida per molt que intentis omplir-la, l'amagues, perquè l'estigma de la nostra societat sobre la depressió és molt real. És molt real, i si no us ho creieu feu-vos aquesta pregunta: Què preferiríeu, actualitzar el vostre estat de Facebook dient que no us podeu aixecar del llit perquè us heu fet mal a l'esquena o dir que no us podeu aixecar perquè esteu deprimits? Aquest és el estigma, perquè malauradament vivim a un món on si et trenques un braç tothom vol signar el teu guix però si dius que estàs deprimit, tothom fuig. Això és l'estigma. Ens sembla molt normal que una part del cos es trenqui però no el cervell. Es pura ignorància, i aquesta ignorància ha creat un món que no entén la depressió, que no entén la malaltia mental. A mi em sembla molt irònic, perquè la depressió és un dels problemes més documentats que tenim al món però és un dels que menys es parla. Ens limitem a apartar-lo i arraconar-lo, a fingir que no hi és, esperant que s'arregli sol.
See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if I'm being totally honest, standing here I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness, that's the struggle, that's depression, and depression isn't chicken pox. You don't beat it once and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others, it's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it. It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though it's keeping you in bed every day and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say you're having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because you're depressed? That's the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health. And that's ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet it's one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.
Doncs no ho farà. No ho ha fet i no ho farà, perquè pensar això és una ingenuïtat i fer-se il·lusions no és un bon pla, és un ajornament i no podem ajornar una cosa tant important. El primer pas per a solucionar un problema és admetre'l. Ni tan sols hem fet això, així que no podem esperar trobar una resposta si encara ens fa por preguntar.
Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to, because that's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination, and we can't procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.
I jo no sé quina és la solució. Ja m'agradaria, però no... No obstant, crec que hauríem de començar aquí. Ha de començar amb mi, amb nosaltres, amb les persones que pateixen, les que estan amagades entre les ombres. Hem de parlar ben alt i trencar el silenci. Hem de ser valents pel que creiem, perquè si m'he adonat d'una sola cosa, si hi ha una cosa que és la més difícil, no és construir un món on eliminem la ignorància dels altres. És construir un món on ensenyem a acceptar-nos, a sentir-nos bé amb qui som, perquè quan som sincers veiem que tots estem en lluita i patint. Ja sigui per això o per qualsevol altra cosa, tots coneixem el patiment. Tots sabem el que és tenir mal al cor i com n'és d'important curar-se. Però ara mateix, la depressió és un tall profund a la societat al què li posem una tireta i fem veure que no hi és.
And I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if there's one thing that I've come to realize, if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem, it's not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where we're okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is society's deep cut that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.
Sí que hi és, i sabeu què? no passa res. La depressió és normal. Si estàs deprimit, no passa res. Estàs malalt, no ets feble, i es tracta d'un assumpte, no d'una identitat, perquè quan superes la por i el sentiment de ridícul i ignores la opinió i l'estigma dels altres, pots veure la depressió pel que és: només una part de la vida, només una part de la vida, i malgrat el que odio, malgrat el que odio alguns dels llocs o parts de la meva vida on m'ha arrossegat la depressió, en molts aspectes n'estic agraït. Perquè sí, m'ha portat a valls molt profunds però només per a mostrar-me que hi ha muntanyes, i sí, m'ha arrossegat a la foscor però només per recordar-me que hi ha llum. Més que cap altra cosa en els meus 19 anys de vida, el meu dolor m'ha aportat perspectiva, i el meu patiment m'ha forçat a tenir esperança, i a tenir fe, fe en mi mateix, fe en el altres, fe en que es pot millorar, que ho podem canviar, que podem parlar-ne, i lluitar contra la ignorància, lluitar contra la intolerància, i sobretot aprendre a estimar-nos, aprendre a acceptar-nos pel que som, qui som en realitat i no qui el món vol que siguem. Perquè al món en el què crec abraçar la teva llum no implica ignorar la teva foscor. Al món en el què crec se'ns mesura per la nostra capacitat de superar adversitats, no per ignorar-les Al món en què crec puc mirar a algú als ulls i dir: "Estic passant un calvari", i em poden contestar dient "Jo també", i no passa res. I no passa res perquè la depressió és normal. Som éssers humans. Som persones, i lluitem i patim i sagnem i plorem, i si penseu que la verdadera força és no mostrar-se mai dèbil, llavors jo us diré que esteu equivocats. Esteu equivocats, perquè es tracta del contrari. Som persones, i tenim problemes. No som perfectes, i no passa res.
Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay. Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay. And know that you're sick, you're not weak, and it's an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and that's just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it. Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys, but only to show me there's peaks, and yeah it's dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we're measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, "I'm going through hell," and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay, and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people. We're people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You're wrong, because it's the opposite. We're people, and we have problems. We're not perfect, and that's okay.
Així que hem d'acabar amb la ignorància, la intolerància, l'estigma i el silenci, i hem de trencar els tabús, veure la veritat i començar a parlar-ne, perquè la única manera d'acabar amb un problema al que la gent s'enfronta tota sola és mitjançant la força comuna, hem de ajuntar les forces.
So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together.
I crec que podem. Crec que podem. Moltes gràcies. Això és un somni fet realitat. Gràcies. (Aplaudiments) Gràcies. (Aplaudiments)
And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause)