So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.
Kada pomislite na dete, bliskog prijatelja ili ljubavnog partnera, verovatno vam reč „ljubav” pada na pamet, a istog trena naviru i druga osećanja: radost i nada, uzbuđenje, poverenje i sigurnost i, da, ponekad tuga i razočaranje. Verovatno ne postoji reč u rečniku s kojom smo povezaniji od reči ljubav.
Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
Ipak, imajući u vidu njen središnji značaj u našim životima, zar nije zanimljivo da nas nikad eksplicitno nisu podučavali ljubavi? Gradimo prijateljstva, prolazimo kroz rane romantične odnose, venčavamo se i donosimo bebe iz bolnice kući očekujući da ćemo se snaći. Međutim, istina je da često povređujemo i omalovažavamo one koje volimo. Možda se radi o suptilnostima, poput nabijanja krivice prijatelju kako bi se družio s vama ili virenje u partnerove poruke ili posramljivanje deteta jer se ne trudi dovoljno u školi. Sto procenata nas ćemo da budemo žrtve nezdravih ponašanja u vezi i 100 procenata nas će nezdravo da postupa. To je deo ljudskosti. U najgorem obliku, bol koji nanosimo voljenima se ispoljava kao zlostavljanje i nasilje, a zlostavljanje u vezi je nešto što će jedna od tri žene i jedan od četiri muškarca iskusiti u toku svog života. Sad, ako ste kao većina ljudi kada čujete ovu statistiku, reći ćete: „O ne, ne, ne, to se meni nikad ne bi desilo.” Instinktivno se povlačimo od reči „zlostavljanje” i „nasilje”, i mislimo da se dešavaju nekom drugom negde drugde. Međutim, istina je da su nezdrave veze i zlostavljanje svuda oko nas. Prosto ih nazivamo drugim imenom i ignorišemo sličnosti. Zlostavljanje nam se prikrada prerušeno u nezdravu ljubav.
I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
Radim za organizaciju koja se naziva Jedna ljubav i osnovala ju je porodica čiju je kćerku Jardli ubio njen bivši momak. Radi se o tragediji koju niko nije naslućivao, ali kad se osvrnu unazad, shvataju da su znaci upozorenja bili svuda, samo što niko nije razumeo čemu tačno svedoči. Nazivani ludošću, dramom ili pijanstvom, njegovi postupci nisu shvatani kao ono što su zaista bili, a radilo se o očitim znakovima opasnosti. Njena porodica je uvidela da, da je iko protumačio ove znake, njena smrt je mogla da se spreči. Zato smo trenutno na misiji da se postaramo da drugi imaju informacije koje Jardli i njeni prijatelji nisu imali. Imamo tri glavna cilja: obezbediti jezik za sve nas da razgovaramo o temi koja je prilično neugodna i neprijatna za raspravu; osnažiti celokupne prve redove, pre svega prijatelje, za pomoć; i, istovremeno, unaprediti našu sveukupnu sposobnost da bolje volimo.
To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
Kako bismo ovo postigli, uvek je važno započeti osvetljavanjem nezdravih znakova koji nam često promiču, a naš rad se uistinu fokusira na stvaranje sadržaja za započinjanje razgovora sa mladima. Kao što očekujete, naš sadržaj je uglavnom prilično ozbiljan, imajući u vidu temu, ali danas ću da koristim jedan nešto rasterećeniji komad, ali koji ipak tera na razmišljanje, „Kuplet”, kako bih osvetlila pet znakova nezdrave ljubavi.
The first is intensity.
Prvi je intenzitet.
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
(Video) Plavi: Nisam te video nekoliko dana. Nedostajala si mi.
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
Narandžasta: I ti si meni. (#tojeljubav)
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
Plavi: Nisam te video pet minuta. Čini se kao čitav život. Šta si radila bez mene čitavih pet minuta?
Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
Narandžasta: Prošla su tri minuta. (#tonijeljubav)
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
Kejti Hud: Da li je ovo nekom poznato? Ne znam. Meni jeste. Nasilne veze ne počinju nasilno. Počinju uzbudljivo i s ushitom. Imamo intenzivnu privrženost i emocije, naboj. Zaista je dobar osećaj. Srećni ste kao da ste izvukli džekpot. Međutim, kod nezdrave ljubavi, ova osećanja se menjaju vremenom od uzbuđenja do preopterećenja, a možda čak i malčice gušenja. Imate neki predosećaj. Možda onda kada vaš novi momak ili devojka kaže „volim te” brže nego što ste spremni na to ili počne da se pojavljuje svuda, šalje poruke i stalno vas zove. Možda su nestrpljivi kada ne odgovorite odmah, čak iako znaju da tog dana imate druge obaveze. Važno je da upamtite da nije važno kako veza počinje, važno je kako se razvija. Važno je u ranim danima nove veze da obratite pažnju na to kako se osećate. Da li vam je prijatan tempo intimnosti? Da li osećate da imate prostora i razmaka da dišete? Takođe je važno da počnete da vežbate upotrebu sopstvenog glasa da izražavate sopstvene potrebe. Da li se vaši zahtevi uvažavaju?
A second marker is isolation.
Drugi znak je izolacija.
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
(Video) Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak znači zabava ja i momak.
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak znači zabava ja i momak.
Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
Narandžasta 2: Sutra? Narandžasta 1: Utorak - samo tempo lak.
Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Narandžasta 2: Sreda? Narandžasta 1: Da se družim on mi ne da.
KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same.
KH: Ako mene pitate, izolacija je najčešće zanemarivan i pogrešno tumačen znak nezdrave ljubavi. Zašto? Zato što svaka nova veza počinje tom snažnom željom da provodite vreme zajedno, lako je ne primetiti kad se nešto promeni. Izolacija vam se prikrade kada vaš novi momak ili devojka počne da vas odvlači od vaših prijatelja i porodice, vašeg sistema podrške i počne da vas čvršće vezuje za sebe. Izgovaraju stvari poput: „Zašto se družiš s njima? Oni su totalni gubitnici” o vašim najboljim prijateljima ili: „Žele da nas razdvoje. Potpuno su protiv nas” o vašoj porodici. Izolacija je sejanje semena sumnje o svima iz vašeg života pre nove veze. Zdrava ljubav uključuje nezavisnost, dvoje ljudi koji vole da provode vreme zajedno, ali koji ostaju povezani sa ljudima i aktivnostima do kojih im je pre bilo stalo. Iako u početku možda provodite svaki budni trenutak zajedno, vremenom je krucijalno održavanje nezavisnosti. Ovo postižete tako što pravite planove s prijateljima i držite ih se i podstičete partnera da to isto radi.
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
Treći pokazatelj nezdrave ljubavi je preterana ljubomora.
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
(Video) Plavi 2: Zbog čega si tako srećan?
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
Plavi 1: Upravo je počela da me prati na instagramu!
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
Plavi 2: Zbog čega si tako nervozan?
Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
Plavi 1: Počela je da me prati, ovaj, svuda.
(#thatsnotlove)
(#tonijeljubav)
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.
KH: Kako period medenog meseca počinje da bledi, preterana ljubomora može da se prikrade. Vaš partner može da postane zahtevniji, da želi da zna gde ste i s kim ste sve vreme ili može da počne da vas prati svuda, i na internetu i van njega. Preterana ljubomora sa sobom nosi i posesivnost i nepoverenje, česte optužbe za flertovanje s drugim ljudima ili preljubu, kao i odbijanje da vas čuju kada im kažete da nemaju razloga za brigu i da volite samo njih. Ljubomora je deo svih ljudskih odnosa, ali preterana ljubomora je drugačija. Ima crtu pretnje, očaja i besa. Ljubav ne bi trebalo da ima takav osećaj.
A fourth marker is belittling.
Četvrti pokazatelj je omalovažavanje.
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
(Video) Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo? Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ pet jer si odlična. (#tojeljubav)
Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo? Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ keca jer si glupa. (#tonijeljubav)
KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
KH: Da, hmm. U nezdravoj ljubavi, reči se koriste kao oružje. Razgovori koji su nekad bili zabavni i rasterećeni postaju zlobni i sramotni. Možda vas partner ismeva na povređujući način, ili, pak, priča priče i viceve kako bi se smejao na vaš račun. Kada pokušate da objasnite da su vam osećanja povređena, ponizi vas i optuži da preterujete. „Zašto si tako osetljiva? Koji je tvoj problem? Pusti me na miru.” Ove reči vas ućutkaju. Čini se očiglednim da bi vaš partner trebalo da vas podržava. Njegove reči bi trebalo da vas podstiču, a ne da vas lome. Trebalo bi da čuva vaše tajne i bude odan. Zbog njega bi trebalo da imate više samopouzdanja, ne manje.
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
Na kraju, peti pokazatelj: neuravnoteženost.
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
(Video) Narandžasta 1: Rastužio bi me naš raskid.
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
Narandžasta 2: I mene. (#tojeljubav)
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me!
Narandžasta 1: Pala bih u depresiju kad bismo raskinuli. Bacila bih se sa ovih stepenica. Bih! Ne pokušavaj da me sprečiš!
(#thatsnotlove)
(#tonijeljubav)
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become.
KH: Česti raskidi i pomirenja, veliki usponi i veliki padovi: kako tenzije rastu, raste i neravnoteža. Uplakane, frustrirajuće svađe koje prate emotivna pomirenja, komentari puni mržnje i bola: „Beskoristan si, ne znam ni zašto sam s tobom!” koje odmah prate izvinjenja i obećanja da se neće ponoviti. Do ovog trenutka, toliko ste navikli na emotivnu vrtešku ove veze da možda ni ne uviđate koliko je nezdrava, a možda čak i opasna vaša veza postala.
It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
Ponekad je zaista teško uvideti kada nezdrava ljubav pređe u nasilje, ali slobodno možemo reći da što više sličnih pokazatelja vaša veza možda ima, to nezdravija i možda opasnija vaša veza može da bude. A ako je vaš instinkt da raskinete i odete, što je savet koji mnogi od nas daju prijateljima kada su u nezdravoj vezi, to nije uvek najbolji savet. Period raskida može da bude istinski okidač za nasilje. Ako strahujete da se krećete ka nasilju ili trpite nasilje, morate da konsultujete stručnjake radi saveta kako da bezbedno odete.
But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day.
Međutim, ne radi se samo o romantičnim vezama i ne radi se samo o nasilju. Razumevanje znakova nezdrave ljubavi vam može pomoći da sagledate i razumete skoro sve veze u vašem životu. Možda prvi put shvatite zašto ste razočarani u prijateljstvo ili zašto ste zbog svakog susreta sa određenim članom porodice obeshrabreni i anksiozni. Možda počnete i da uviđate kako vaš sopstveni temperament i ljubomora uzrokuju probleme sa kolegama na poslu. Razumevanje je prvi korak ka napretku, i, iako ne možete svaku nezdravu vezu da pretvorite u zdravu - neke ćete morati da ostavite za sobom - možete svakodnevno da se trudite sa svoje strane da budete bolji u vezi. A ovo su uzbudljive vesti: zapravo se ne radi o kvantnoj fizici. Otvoreni razgovori, međusobno uvažavanje, ljubaznost, strpljenje - svakodnevno možemo sve ovo da vežbamo.
And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
A, iako ćete zbog vežbanja definitivno postati bolji, moram da vam obećam da takođe nećete postati savršeni. Ovo je moj posao i svakog dana razmišljam i govorim o zdravim vezama, pa, ipak, i dalje nezdravo postupam. Pre neki dan, dok sam pokušavala da izguram moje četvoro dece preko vrata dok su se svađali, prepirali i žalili na doručak, potpuno sam izgubila strpljenje. Sa namernom dozom besa, zavrištala sam: „Svi ućutite i uradite kako vam kažem! Najgori ste! Oduzeću vam vreme pred ekranima i slatkiše, kao i sve do čega vam je bar malo stalo u životu!”
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Anybody been there?
Zvuči li vam poznato?
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love."
Neuravnoteženost, omalovažavanje. Moj najstariji sin se okrenuo, pogledao me je i rekao: „Mama, to nije ljubav.”
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time.
Na trenutak sam zaista želela da ga ubijem jer me je prozvao. Verujte mi. Međutim, onda sam se sabrala i pomislila, znate šta, zapravo sam ponosna. Ponosna sam što je ovladao rečima tako da me natera da zastanem. Želim da sva moja deca razumeju gde bi trebalo da je granica za to kako se ophode prema njima i da imaju reči i glas koje će da koriste kad se granica prekorači umesto da to prosto prihvate. Suviše dugo smo se odnosili prema vezama kao drugorazrednoj temi, iako su veštine stvaranja veza među najvažnijim i najtežim za izgradnju u životu. Ne samo da vam razumevanje nezdravih znakova može da pomogne da izbegnete prečicu do nezdrave ljubavi, već vam razumevanje i vežbanje umetnosti zdravog odnosa može da popravi skoro sve apekte života. Potpuno sam ubeđena da, iako je ljubav instinkt i osećanje, sposobnost da volimo bolje je veština koju svi možemo da izgradimo i vremenom unapređujemo.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)