Når man tænker på sit barn, en nær ven, eller sin kæreste, forbinder man det ofte med ordet "kærlighed", og straks kommer der flere følelser til: glæde og håb, begejstring, tiltro og tryghed og ja, nogle gange skuffelse og bedrøvelse Der er næppe et ord i ordbogen som flere kan relatere til end kærlighed.
So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.
Men i betragtning af, hvor vigtigt det er for os er det så ikke mærkeligt, at vi ikke lærer hvordan man egentlig elsker? Vi opbygger venskaber håndterer vores første romantiske forhold, bliver gift og får børn med en forventning om, at vi finder ud af det. Men sandheden er, at vi ofte skader og nedgør dem, vi elsker. Det kan være små ting, som at presse en ven til at bruge tid med en eller smuglæse sin kærestes beskeder eller at udskamme sit barn for at tage for let på skolearbejdet. Alle oplever usund opførsel i en relation og alle gør usunde ting. Det er en del af at være menneske. Når den er allerværst, tager den skade, vi volder hinanden form af mishandling og vold. og mishandling i et forhold er noget, hver tredje kvinde og hver fjerde mand oplever i løbet af deres liv. Hvis du er som de fleste, der hører om de tal, vil du straks sige: "Den slags kunne aldrig ske for mig." Man tager instinktivt klar afstand fra ord som "mishandling" og "vold". Man tænker, det kun sker for andre, et andet sted. Men sandheden er, at usunde relationer og mishandling er over det hele. Vi kalder det bare noget andet og ignorerer forbindelserne. Mishandling sniger sig ind på os forklædt i usund kærlighed.
Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
Jeg arbejder for organisationen One Love, startet af en familie, hvor datteren, Yeardley, blev dræbt af sin ekskæreste Det var en tragedie, ingen havde set komme men da de kiggede tilbage, kunne de se, at faresignalerne var der. Der var bare ingen, der havde forstået dem. Med ord som "skør", "drama" og "lidt for meget at drikke", blev hans opførsel bortforklaret som noget andet end det, den var: nemlig et tydeligt faresignal. Hendes familie indså, at hvis nogen havde lært om den slags signaler, kunne hendes død være undgået. Så vores mission er at sikre os, at andre ved det, Yeardley og hendes venner ikke vidste. Vi har tre overordnede mål: at udstyre alle med et sprog, vi kan bruge til at tale om noget, der er ret akavet og ubehageligt at tale om; at bevæbne en hel brigade af venner, med redskaber til at hjælpe; og samtidig lære alle at elske på en bedre måde.
I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
For at kunne gøre det, er det vigtigt først at udpege de sygdomstegn, vi så tit overser. og vores arbejde handler meget om at lave materiale til at komme i dialog med unge mennesker. I sagens natur er indholdet ret alvorligt når nu emnet er så alvorligt, men i dag vil jeg bruge et af vores mere muntre men stadig tankevækkende sæt: "Er det kærlighed?" til at vise fem markører for usund kærlighed
To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
Den første er intensitet
The first is intensity.
A: Jeg har ikke set dig i nogle dage. Jeg har savnet dig.
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
B: Jeg har også savnet dig. (#kærlighed)
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
A: Jeg har ikke set dig i fem minutter. Det føles som en evighed. Hvad har du lavet uden mig i hele fem minutter?
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
B: Der er kun gået tre minutter. (#ikkekærlighed)
Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
Er der nogen, der kan genkende det? Jeg kan godt. Usunde forhold er ikke usunde fra begyndelsen I begyndelsen er de fortryllende Følelserne er intense, det er som en rus. Det føles fantastisk. Man føler sig heldig, som om man har vundet i Lotto. Men i et usundt forhold, skifter disse følelser sig over tid fra fortryllende til overvældende og måske lidt kvælende. Man kan mærke det i maven. Måske er det når ens nye kæreste siger "jeg elsker dig" før man var parat til det eller pludselig dukker op overalt og skriver og ringer hele tiden. Måske er vedkommende utålmodig, når man er længe om at svare. selvom de godt ved, at man havde travlt den dag. Det vigtige er ikke, hvordan et forhold begynder, men hvordan det udvikler sig. Det er vigtigt i begyndelsen af et nyt forhold at være opmærksom på, hvordan man har det. Har du det okay med, hvor hurtigt det bliver mere intimt? Føler du, at der er plads til dig? Det er også meget vigtigt at øve sig i at bruge sin stemme til at tale om sine egne behov. Bliver der lyttet, når du beder om noget?
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
En anden markør er isolation.
A second marker is isolation.
A: Skal vi ses?
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten #kærlighed
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
A: Skal vi ses?
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
A: I morgen? B: Se serier med kæresten
Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
A: I overmorgen? B: Da har vi alenetid. #ikkekærlighed
Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Efter min mening er isolation en af de mest oversete og misforståede tegn på usund kærlighed. Hvorfor? Fordi alle nye forhold begynder med en intens lyst til at være sammen. Man overser nemt, at der sker et skift. isolationen sniger sig ind, når ens nye kæreste begynder at trække en væk fra venner og familie ens bagland, og fæstner en tættere til vedkommende selv. Han eller hun siger måske: "Hvorfor bruger du tid på dem? De er så nederen." om ens bedste venner, eller "De vil adskille os. De har noget imod os." om ens familie. Isolation handler om at sprede mistro til alle andre i ens liv. Sund kærlighed indebærer uafhængighed, to mennesker, som elsker at være sammen men også holder fast i de folk og de ting, de altid har holdt af. Hvor man i begyndelsen er sammen dag og nat er det vigtigt, som tiden går, at bevare sin uafhængighed. Det gør man ved at lave aftaler med venner og holde dem. og opfordre sin kæreste til at gøre det samme.
KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same.
En tredje markør for usund kærlighed er ekstrem jalousi.
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
(Video) A: Hvad er du så glad over?
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
B: Hun er lige begyndt at følge mig på Instagram! (#kærlighed)
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
A: Hvad er du så nervøs over?
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
B: Hun... hun er begyndt at følge mig, overalt.
Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
(#ikkekærlighed)
(#thatsnotlove)
Når den første tids magi lægger sig, kan den ekstreme jalousi snige sig ind. Ens kæreste bliver måske mere krævende, og vil vide hvor man er og hvem man er sammen med, hele tiden eller begynder måske at følge en overalt, online og offline Med den ekstreme jalousi kommer besidderiskhed og mistro beskyldninger om flirt eller utroskab, og uvilje til at lytte, når man forsikrer at der intet er at bekymre sig om og man ikke elsker andre. Jalousi findes i alle forhold mellem to mennesker men ekstrem jalousi er noget andet. Det har en truende, desperat og vred afskygning. Sådan skal kærlighed ikke føles.
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.
En fjerde markør er nedgørelse
A fourth marker is belittling.
A: Skal vi lave noget? B: Jeg skal læse.
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
A: Du får topkarakter alligevel. Fordi du er toppen. (#kærlighed)
Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
A: Skal vi lave noget? B: Jeg skal læse.
Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
A: Du dumper alligevel A: fordi du er så... træls. (#ikkekærlighed)
Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
Ja, hmm... I usund kærlighed bliver ord til våben. Samtaler, der plejede at være lette og sjove bliver ondskabsfulde og pinlige. Måske gør ens kæreste grin med en på en måde der gør ondt, eller måske sladrer de om en eller gør sig morsomme på ens bekostning Når man prøver at forklare, at man føler sig såret lukker de af og beskylder en for at overreagere "Hvorfor er du så overfølsom? Hvad er dit problem? Slap nu af." Man får lukket munden. Din kæreste skal naturligvis bakke dig op. Deres ord skal styrke dig, ikke svække dig. De skal holde på dine hemmeligheder og være loyale. Din kæreste skal gøre dig mere selvsikker, ikke mindre.
KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
Og som det sidste, en femte markør: voldsomme udsving.
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
A: Jeg håber vi bliver sammen.
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
B: Det håber jeg også. (#kærlighed)
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
A: Jeg går i sort, hvis vi nogensinde slår op. A: Jeg kaster mig ud fra det her trin. A: Jeg gør det! Du kan ikke stoppe mig!
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me!
(#ikkekærlighed)
(#thatsnotlove)
Man slår op, begynder igen, slår op igen, flyver højt og falder dybt. Jo mere anspændt det bliver, jo større bliver udsvingene. Først skændes man i vredestårer og så gør man det godt igen i glædestårer. Hadske og sårende kommentarer, som: "Du kan ingenting, jeg ved ikke hvad jeg laver med dig." hurtigt fulgt af undskyldninger og løfter om, at det aldrig sker igen. Man kan blive så vant til disse rutsjeture at man slet ikke opfatter, hvor usundt og måske endda farligt ens forhold er blevet.
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become.
Det kan være virkelig svært at se når usund kærlighed får karakter af mishandling men jo flere af disse markører ens forhold har, jo mere usundt og måske direkte farligt kan det tænkes at være Og hvis du tænker, at så skal man bare komme væk, hvilket tit er det, vi foreslår vores venner, når de er i usunde forhold, så er det ikke altid et godt forslag. Bruddet kan være det, der udløser vold. Hvis du frygter, at du bliver offer for mishandling, skal du henvende dig til en ekspert der kan hjælpe dig sikkert ud af forholdet
It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
Men det handler ikke kun om parforhold og det handler ikke kun om vold. At forstå kendetegnene ved usund kærlighed kan hjælpe dig med at revidere alle dine relationer. Du vil måske endelig forstå, hvorfor du har det svært med en bestemt ven eller hvorfor du altid føler dig modløs efter at have talt med et bestemt familiemedlem. Måske vil du endda indse, at din egen intensitet og jalousi volder problemer med dine arbejdskolleger. Forståelse er det første skridt mod forandring, og selvom du ikke kan helbrede alle usunde forhold -- nogle af dem må du opgive -- så kan du hver dag gøre dit for at agere bedre i dine relationer. Og her er den gode nyhed: det kræver faktisk ikke en Ph.D. Åben kommunikation, gensidig respekt venlighed, tålmodighed -- det kan vi udøve hver dag.
But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day.
Men selvom øvelse gør en bedre så må jeg også sige, at det nok ikke gør dig til en mester Det her er mit arbejde hver eneste dag tænker og taler jeg om sunde relationer, og alligevel gør jeg usunde ting. Forleden, da jeg var ved at bugsere mine fire børn ud af døren under ævl og kævl og brok over morgenmaden, slog det fuldstændig klik for mig. Med overlagt vrede i stemmen skreg jeg, "Hold nu kæft og gør som jeg siger! I er ikke til at holde ud! Der bliver ingen skærmtid og ingen dessert eller nogen som helst andet godt overhovedet, nogensinde!"
And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
(latter)
(Laughter)
Er der nogen, der kender det?
Anybody been there?
(klapsalver)
(Applause)
Udsving, nedgørelse. Min ældste søn vendte sig om, så på mig, og sagde: "Mor, det der er ikke kærlighed."
Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love."
(latter)
(Laughter)
Først havde jeg lyst til at dræbe ham for at påpege det. Tro mig. Men så samlede jeg mig sammen og tænkte, ved du hvad, jeg er faktisk stolt. Jeg er stolt af, at han har sproget til at få mig til at stoppe op. Jeg vil gerne, at mine børn forstår hvor grænsen går for, hvordan man kan behandle dem, og at de har et sprog og en stemme, de kan bruge, når den er nået i stedet for bare at lade stå til. Alt for længe har vi set relationer som et blødt emne. I virkeligheden er relationelle egenskaber en af de vigtigste og sværeste ting i livet. Ikke alene kan det at kende sygdomstegnene hjælpe en til at styre uden om usund kærlighed. At forstå og udøve sundhedens kunst kan forbedre næsten alt i ens liv. Jeg er helt overbevist om, at selvom kærlighed er et instinkt og en følelse, så er evnen til at elske bedre en færdighed, alle kan lære og blive bedre til med tiden.
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time.
Tak.
Thank you.
(klapsalver)
(Applause)