Quan pensem en un fill, un amic o una parella romàntica ens ve al cap la paraula "amor", i tot un seguit d'emocions: felicitat i esperança, il·lusió, confiança i seguretat, i també de vegades tristor i decepció. Potser no hi ha al diccionari una paraula amb la qual connectem més que amb "amor".
So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.
Tot i la centralitat que té a les nostres vides, no és curiós que mai no ens hagin ensenyat a estimar? Fem amistats, gestionem els inicis de relacions romàntiques, ens casem i tornem de l'hospital amb criatures, esperant saber com fer-ho. Però en realitat, sovint fem mal i no respectem els qui ens estimem. Poden ser coses petites com culpar un amic si no passa temps amb nosaltres, o fer una ullada als missatges de text de la parella, o avergonyir un fill perquè no estudia. El 100% de nosaltres, acabarà patint conductes poc sanes en la relació. I el 100% de nosaltres tindrà conductes poc sanes. És part de ser humà. En el pitjor del casos, el mal que fem als qui estimem es manifesta en abusos i violència, i els abusos dins d'una relació els pateixen una de cada tres dones i un de cada quatre homes al llarg de les seves vides. La majoria, quan sent aquestes estadístiques, diu: "No, no, no, a mi això no em passaria pas". És instintiu rebutjar les paraules "abús" i "violència", pensar que això els hi passa als altres, en un altre lloc. Però la veritat és que les relacions poc sanes i els abusos són pertot arreu. Diem que són altres coses i ignorem la connexió. L'abús ens el trobem amagat en l'amor poc sa.
Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
Treballo per a l'organització One Love. La filla de la família que la va crear va ser assassinada per l'ex-xicot. Una tragèdia que ningú no s'esperava, però mirant enrere, s'adonaren que hi va haver senyals d'alarma i que ningú no havia entès que ho eren. En diuen bogeria, dramatisme o excés de beguda. Les accions d'ell no les van entendre pel que realment eren: senyals d'alarma claríssimes. La família es va adonar que si els haguessin educat per detectar-les, s'hagués pogut prevenir la seva mort. Avui la nostra missió és assegurar-nos que tothom té la informació que Yeardley i els seus amics no tenien. Tenim tres objectius: acordar un llenguatge per parlar d'un tema que és difícil i incòmode de tractar. Apoderar la primera línia, és a dir, els amics, perquè ajudin. I, en el procés, millorar la nostra capacitat per estimar millor.
I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
Per fer això, cal començar per il·luminar els indicis de conductes poc sanes que sovint no veiem. La nostra feina es centra en crear contingut per poder parlar amb la gent jove. Com us podeu imaginar, el contingut sol ser força seriós donat la temàtica, però avui faré servir un dels materials més entretinguts i tot i així provocadors: "Les parelletes", per tal d'il·luminar cinc trets de l'amor poc sa.
To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
El primer és la intensitat.
The first is intensity.
(Vídeo) Blau: Fa dos dies que no et veia. T'he enyorat.
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
Taronja: Jo també t'he enyorat. (#ésamor)
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
Blau: Fa cinc minuts que no et veig. Sembla tota una vida. Què has fet sense mi aquests cinc minuts?
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
Taronja: Només fa tres minuts (#noésamor)
Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
Us sona? No sé, a mi sí. Les relacions abusives no comencen sent així. Comencen sent emocionants i apassionants. Hi ha una intensitat en l'afecte i l'emoció, hi ha pressa. Ens sentim molt bé. Ens sentim afortunats com si ens toqués la loteria. Però en l'amor poc sa, aquests sentiments canvien amb el temps d'emocionants a aclaparadors, potser fins i tot asfixiants. Ho notes a la panxa. Potser quan el nou xicot o xicota diu que t'estima abans del que t'esperaves o et segueix pertot arreu, et truca massa o t'envia missatges. Potser s'impacienta quan no contestes de seguida, tot i que sap que tens altres coses a fer. Cal recordar que no és com comença la relació el que importa, sinó com es desenvolupa. En els primers dies d'una relació cal parar atenció a com ens sentim. La part íntima va massa ràpid? Trobem que tenim espai per respirar? Cal practicar aviat l'ús de la nostra veu per expressar les nostres necessitats. Es respecta allò que volem?
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
El segon tret és l'aïllament.
A second marker is isolation.
(Vídeo) Taronja 2: Vols quedar?
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
Taronja 1: És que nosaltres sempre fem "Dilluns junts". (#ésamor)
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
Taronja 2: Vols quedar?
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
Taronja 1: És que fem "Dilluns junts".
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
T2: I demà? T1: És el "Dimarts estem plegats".
Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
T2: I dimecres? T1: És el "Dia sense amics". (#noésamor).
Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Jo crec que l'aïllament és el tret de les relacions poc sanes que més sovint s'ignora o no s'entén. Per què? Perquè totes les relacions comencen amb un desig intens d'estar junts. És fàcil no veure quan les coses canvien. L'aïllament comença a poc a poc quan el xicot o la xicota ens aparta dels amics i de la família, el nostre suport, i ens va lligant més a ell o a ella. Diuent coses com: "Per què quedes amb ells? Són uns pesats." dels teus millors amics, o: "Ens volen fer tallar. Estan en contra nostra." de la família. L'aïllament és plantar llavors de dubte sobre la gent que hi havia a la teva vida abans de la relació. L'amor sa inclou la independència, dues persones que gaudeixen estant juntes però segueixen connectades a les persones i activitats que s'estimaven abans. Potser al principi voleu estar junts cada minut del dia, però a la llarga, mantenir la indepedència és fonamental. Cal fer plans amb els amics i complir-los i animar a la parella a fer el mateix.
KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same.
Un tercer tret de l'amor poc sa és la gelosia extrema.
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
(Vídeo) Blau 2: Què fas tan feliç?
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
Blau 1: M'ha començat a seguir a Instagram! (#ésamor)
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
Blau 2: Per què estàs tan nerviós?
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
Blau 1: M'ha, m'ha començat a seguir... pertot arreu.
Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
(#noésamor)
(#thatsnotlove)
Quan s'acaba la lluna de mel pot començar la gelosia extrema. La parella es pot tornar més exigent, vol saber on ets i amb qui en tot moment, o et comença a seguir pertot arreu, inclús per internet. La gelosia extrema torna a la persona possessiva i desconfiada, ens acusa de flirtejar amb altres o d'infidelitat i es nega a escoltar-nos si li diem que no cal que pateixi, que l'estimem. La gelosia és part de les relacions humanes, però la gelosia extrema és diferent. Té un punt compulsiu, desesperat i enrabiat. L'amor no ha de ser així.
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.
El quart tret és el menyspreu.
A fourth marker is belittling.
(Vídeo) Blau: Vols quedar? Taronja: He d'estudiar.
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
Blau: Però si treuràs un excel·lent, tu ets excel·lent. (#ésamor)
Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
Blau: Vols quedar? Taronja: He d'estudiar.
Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
Blau: Si suspendràs igual, suspendràs perquè... ets inútil. (#noésamor)
Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
Ja... Una relació poc sana fa servir les paraules com armes. Converses que abans eren divertides i fàcils es tornen mesquines i humiliants. Potser la parella es riu de nosaltres i ens fa mal, o potser explica anècdotes o acudits a costa nostra. Quan intentem explicar que ens hem sentit dolguts, no ens escolta o ens acusa d'exagerar. "Mira que ets sensible! Què et passa? No n'hi ha per tant." Ens fa callar amb aquestes paraules. Sembla evident, però la nostra parella ens hauria de fer costat. Les seves paraules ens haurien d'ajudar, no ensorrar. Ser lleïal i no explicar els nostres secrets. Ens hauria de fer sentit més segurs, no menys.
KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
Per acabar, l'últim tret: la volatilitat.
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
(Vídeo) Taronja 1: Em sabria greu tallar.
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
Taronja 2: A mi també (#ésamor).
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
Taronja 1: Si tallèssim estaria tan deprimida que em tiraria d'aquest pedrís. Ho faria! No intentis aturar-me!
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me!
(#noésamor).
(#thatsnotlove)
Tallar i tornar-hi sovint, alts i baixos extrems: com més tensió, més volàtil. Llàgrimes i baralles frustrants, seguides d'emotives reconciliacions, comentaris plens d'odi com: "No vals res, no sé per què estic amb tu!" seguits ràpidament de disculpes i promeses de que no tornarà a passar. Ja t'has acostumat tant a la muntanya russa que és la relació que potser ni t'adones que no és sana i que pot ser una relació fins i tot perillosa.
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become.
Costa veure quan l'amor poc sa s'ha convertit en abús, però sí s'ha de dir que quants més d'aquests trets hi ha a la teva relació, més probable és que sigui poc sana i fins i tot perillosa. I si el teu instint és tallar i marxar, que és el que aconsellem als amics que estan en relacions poc sanes, això no sempre és el millor consell. El moment d'acabar la relació pot generar violència. Si creus que estàs en una relació abusiva o que ho pot acabar sent, més val consultar un professional que t'aconselli com marxar sense perill.
It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
Però no tot són relacions romàntiques, i no tot és qüestió de violència. Entendre els senyals d'un amor poc sa ens pot ajudar a entendre gairebé totes les nostres relacions. Ens pot fer entendre per què ens deceb una amistat o per què les interaccions amb un cert familiar ens deixen sempre nerviosos i desanimats. Potser ens fa veure com la nostra intensitat o gelosia ens porta problemes amb els companys de feina. El primer pas per millorar és entendre-ho, i tot i que no podem millorar totes les relacions poc sanes, algunes les haurem d'abandonar, podem treballar cada dia per millorar les nostres relacions. I ara les bones notícies: no cal ser un Einstein. Comunicació oberta, respecte mutu, amabilitat, paciència... es poden practicar cada dia.
But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day.
I si la pràctica ajuda, us prometo que no us farà perfectes. Jo em dedico a això i cada dia penso i parlo sobre les relacions sanes, i tot i així faig coses que no ho són. L'altre dia havíem de sortir de casa amb els meus quatre fills i entre baralles, discussions i queixes sobre l'esmorzar, vaig perdre la paciència. Molt enfadada, vaig cridar: "Calleu i feu el que us dic! Sou el pitjor que hi ha! S'han acabat les pantalles, les postres i tot el que us pugui fer gaudir de la vida!".
And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
(Rialles)
(Laughter)
Us ho sabeu, no?
Anybody been there?
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)
Volatilitat, menyspreu. El meu fill gran es va girar, em va mirar i va dir: "Mama, això no és amor".
Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love."
(Rialles)
(Laughter)
Per un moment, el volia escanyar per renyar-me. Us ho prometo. Però després vaig reaccionar i vaig pensar: "Saps què? N'estic molt orgullosa". Orgullosa que tinguin les paraules per aturar-me. Vull que els meus fills entenguin com els han de tractar, i que tinguin paraules i veu per demanar-ho si no és així, en comptes d'acceptar-ho. Fa massa temps que pensem que les relacions són un tema fàcil, quan en realitat són una de les coses més importants i difícils de les nostres vides. Entendre els senyals de l'amor poc sa ens ajudarà a evitar els forats negres que ens xuclen cap a l'amor poc sa. Entendre i practicar l'art de les relacions sanes pot millorar gairebé tots els aspectes de la nostra vida. Estic convençuda que si bé l'amor és un instint i una emoció, la capacitat d'estimar millor és una habilitat que tots podem millorar i perfeccionar amb el temps. Gràcies. (Aplaudiments)
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time. Thank you. (Applause)