You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.
各位知道嗎,我並沒有刻意 想要成為一位養育專家。 事實上我個人對養育孩子 非常不感興趣。 只是當今教育孩子的方法 似乎有點打亂了孩子們的成長, 並且妨礙了他們發展自我的機會。 當今某些教育孩子的方法 真的是大錯特錯了。
I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
我想我的意思是, 生為父母的我們,花很多時間在擔心 我們是不是沒有足夠 融入到孩子的生活、 教育、成長之中, 理應如此。 但如果到了另一種程度的極端, 往往也會為孩子們帶來極大的損害, 比如家長認為孩子不可能成功, 除非他們可以隨時保護和預防、 關心孩子的每件小事、 掌控他們的每個細節 並引導孩子進入 某名牌大學找到好工作。
When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
當我們這樣養育孩子, 我會說「我們」, 因為上帝知道, 在養育我的兩個孩子的時候, 我自己也有這樣的傾向, 讓孩子的童年像是一份清單。
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
清單一樣的童年看起來是這樣的: 我們確保他們安全、健康、 吃好、喝好, 之後期望他們去一所好學校, 並且是好學校的好班級, 在好班級中還要取得好成績。 但不僅僅是好成績,還要拿高分, 也不僅僅追求成績和分數, 還有榮譽和獎項, 還有體育特長、 課外活動、領導能力。 我們和孩子說,不要只是參加社團, 還要開辦社團, 因為對你申請大學有好處, 還要確認是否已參加社區服務。 我的意思是,這樣學校才能 看得出來你會關心別人。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.
所有的這些都是為了達到 期望中的完美程度。 我們期待孩子做的完美, 但我們卻從未要求自己這樣表現, 因為我們要求得太多, 我們做家長的會想, 一定要和每一位老師、 校長、教練和推薦人爭取, 搞的我們像是孩子的看門人、 私人管家 和貼身秘書。
And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
然後對孩子,我們的寶貝孩子, 花很多時間來拜託, 必要時還得暗示、幫忙、 討價還價、嘮叨, 就為了確保他們不會把事情搞砸、 不會封閉自己、 不會毀了自己的未來, 只希望能有一天 能擠進一些 幾乎很難錄取的學校。
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
一個活在童年清單的孩子 會有這樣的感覺: 首先,沒有自由玩耍的時間, 下午沒有空閒的時間, 因為我們認為, 所有活動都要很豐富, 好像每一項作業、小測驗、活動 都對我們為他們想好的未來成敗有關。 我們不讓他們做家務, 甚至不讓他們有充足的睡眠, 只要他們把清單上的事情做好。 在清單式童年中, 我們說我們只想讓他們開心, 但當他們放學回家, 我們通常第一時間詢問他們的 卻是作業和成績。 而他們在我們的臉上看到 我們對他們的認可、我們的愛、 他們的價值, 卻是來自成績單上的 「A」。 和他們走在一起的時候, 搞得我們就像威斯敏斯特寵物展上的 訓狗員一樣表揚他們,
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
哄他們跳得再高一點、再遠一點, 日覆一日。 等上了高中, 他們不會問: 「我會喜歡學哪些東西?」 或者「我喜歡參加哪些活動?」 他們只會去問輔導員, 然後說:「我要怎麽做, 才能進入好的大學?」 之後當他們拿到了高中成績單, 如果拿了幾個 B, 甚至是可怕的 C, 他們會狂躁地給朋友們發短信 「有誰用過這樣的成績 進入好的大學?」
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
而我們的孩子, 無論畢業時結果怎麼樣, 他們都被壓的喘不過氣來、 變得暴躁。 變得有點精疲力盡, 他們比實際年齡更成熟一些, 盼望著大人說「你做得已經夠好了, 小時候這麽努力已經足夠了。」 他們現在卻在高分的焦慮 和沮喪中慢慢枯萎, 有的孩子會想, 這樣的人生,最後究竟有沒有意義?
Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.
我們做家長的, 當然認為這都有意義。 我們所表現出來的, 就像如果他們進不去我們期望的 這幾所好大學,或者找不到好工作, 他們就沒有未來。
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.
或者,我們可能只是害怕 他們的未來我們不能拿來 向我們的朋友炫耀, 或者炫耀車子後面的標誌。 是啊。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me." And so with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go.
但如果你回頭看我們所做的, 如果你真的有勇氣看的話, 你會發現不只是我們的孩子 認為他們的價值 來自於成績和分數, 在他們寶貴的成長意識裡, 就像我們自己上演的電影 《傀儡人生》一樣, 我們也給孩子傳遞了一個信號: 「嘿,孩子,我在想, 沒有我你什麽都幹不成。」 因為我們的過度幫助、 過度保護、過度指導和過度關懷, 我們剝奪了孩子建立 「自我效能」的機會, 這是人類心智的重要準則, 這遠比每次透過父母的讚美 而建立起的自尊更為重要。 當一個人看到他自己的行動有了結果, 他的自我效能就建立起來了, 而不是…… 你們盡量。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.
不是父母為他們做了什麼, 而是通過自己的行動得到結果。 我簡單說一下, 如果我們的孩子要發展自我效能, 而且他們一定要發展, 他們就需要為自己的人生 做更多思考、規劃、決定、 行動、期望、應對、嘗試錯誤, 為他們自己的人生去夢想、去體驗。
Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.
我現在不是在說, 每個孩子都很努力,都很積極, 都不需要父母的介入 和關心他們的生活, 而我們只要完全放手不管就好了? 當然不是。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.
這不是我說的意思, 我的意思是,當我們把成績、 分數、榮譽和獎勵 看做是他們童年的奮鬥目標, 當我們的孩子 去擠進了理想中的大學、 找到了理想的工作, 如此定義孩子的成功 實在太過狹隘了。 儘管我們可以透過過度幫助, 讓他們獲得一些短期的成功── 比如幫他們做作業 使他們取得更好的成績, 讓他們的童年簡歷可能會在 我們的幫助下看起來更豐富── 我要說的是,這些會讓他們 在自我認知上付出長期的代價。 我的意思是,我們不要太在意 他們有沒有能力能申請到 具體的名牌大學, 而是要多多關注他們的 習慣、心態、技能和健康, 因為有了這些, 無論他們去哪,都能成功。 我的意思是, 孩子要的不是我們 那麼癡迷他的成績和分數, 孩子需要的是我們 多放點心思在他們的童年上, 為將來的成功打基礎, 比如,愛, 還有做家務。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.
我剛剛說家務了嗎? 我說了嗎?沒錯我確實說了。 但說真的,這是有理由的。 史上歷時最長的人類研究 叫做哈佛格蘭特研究。 這個研究發現到專業上的成功, 也就是我們想要孩子們做到的, 取決於小時候做的家事, 越早開始做越好, 一種捲起袖子出一分力的心態, 這種心態是這樣的, 有一些討厭的工作 需要有人完成它, 這個人最好就是我, 這種心態代表著: 我會為了整體的改善 貢獻我自己的努力, 這會幫助你在工作中獲得成功。 我們都清楚這個道理, 你們也都清楚。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
我們都知道這個道理, 但是,在列滿了清單的童年中, 我們不讓孩子們在家裡做家務, 當他們長大進入職場, 他們只會等待一份清單, 但這個清單並不存在, 更重要的是, 他們會缺乏動力和本能, 不會捲起他們的袖子,出一分力, 不會察顏觀色,並心想, 我怎樣做才能對同事們有幫助? 怎樣才能提前一步 預想到老板的需求?
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
哈佛格蘭特研究的第二個重要發現, 裡面提到,人生的幸福, 來自於愛, 不是對工作的熱愛, 而是對人的愛, 我們的配偶、我們的伙伴、 我們的朋友、我們的家人。 所以在童年時期, 我們應該教會孩子如何去愛, 要愛別人,他們要先學會愛自己, 想要他們愛自己, 我們就要給予他們無條件的愛。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.
沒錯。 所以, 放下對成績和分數的癡迷, 當我們寶貝孩子放學回家後, 或我們下班回家時, 我們要關掉電子設備, 把手機放到一邊, 看著他們的眼睛, 讓他們看到洋溢在我們臉上的喜悅。 就像第一次看到他們 剛出生的樣子。 我們一定要問, 「今天過的怎麼樣? 你喜歡今天的什麼?」 當你的青春期女兒說「午餐」, 像我的女兒一樣, 而我們想要聽到的是數學考試 不是午餐時, 你還是要對她的午餐感興趣, 你要說:「你今天的午餐 為什麼很棒呢?」 他們需要知道, 他們本身對我們才是重要的, 而不是他們的學習成績。
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
好,你可能會想,家務和愛, 這聽起來很好,但是得了吧。 大學看的是分數、 成績、榮譽和獎項, 但我告訴各位, 其實這些只佔一小部分。 只有那些非常著名的學校 要求我們的孩子做到這些, 但好消息是, 與大學排行榜相反的訊息是 我們要相信……
(Applause)
(掌聲)
you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
並不是非得進入一所著名的大學 人生才能過得幸福、成功。 幸福和成功的人們 也會來自於州立學校, 讀過沒人聽說過的小學校, 來自於社區大學, 來自於附近的學校甚至被退學的人。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
證據就在現場,就在我們的社區, 這就是事實。 如果我們把眼光放遠一點, 並且願意考慮幾所其他的大學, 或許拋開我們原有的偏見, 我們就能接受擁抱這個事實, 並且了解到即便我們的孩子 沒有考上一所名牌大學, 也不是什麼世界末日。 更重要的是, 如果孩子的童年不是在 嚴格的清單約束下長大, 當他們進入大學, 無論哪一所大學, 都是出自自身的決定, 都是出自自身的渴望, 這樣他們才有能力準備好 在那裡大幹一場。
I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees --
我得向各位坦白一些事。 我剛才提到我的兩個孩子, 索耶和艾弗里, 他們都是青少年。 曾經, 我對待索耶和艾弗里 就像對待小盆栽一樣──
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
我小心地把他們修修剪剪, 把他們塑造成完美的人, 完美到可以把他們送進 一所頂尖大學。 但是,我在工作中接觸了幾千個 別人家的孩子,我才意識到──
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species --
我養的兩個孩子, 他們不是盆栽, 他們是野花, 是一種未知品種的野花──
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
我的任務是提供成長的環境, 透過家務和愛,讓他們變得強大, 愛他們,他們才會愛別人、接受愛。 而大學、專業和工作, 都是應該由他們自己決定的。 我的工作不是讓他們成為 我想要的樣子, 而是支持他們成為輝煌的自己。
Thank you.
謝謝大家。
(Applause)
(掌聲)