You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.
Znate, nije mi bila namera da budem ekspert za roditeljstvo. Zapravo, nisam naročito zainteresovana za roditeljstvo samo po sebi. Prosto, ovih dana imamo određeni stil roditeljstva koji na neki način kvari decu, potkopava im šanse da se razviju u sebe same. Imamo određeni stil roditeljstva ovih dana koji smeta.
I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
Valjda hoću da kažem, provodimo mnogo vremena veoma zabrinuti za roditelje koji nisu dovoljno uključeni u živote svoje dece i njihovo obrazovanje i podizanje, i s pravom je tako. Ali na drugom kraju spektra se takođe mnogo štete nanosi, gde roditelji osećaju da dete ne može da bude uspešno ukoliko ga roditelj ne štiti i brani na svakom koraku i ne lebdi iznad svega što se dešava i upravlja svime svakog trena, i usmerava svoju decu ka malom podskupu fakulteta i karijera.
When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
Kada ovako podižemo decu, i reći ću "mi", jer, sam bog zna, da sam podižući dvoje tinejdžera i sama imala slične tendencije, naša deca završe vodeći detinjstvo nalik štrikliranim listama.
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
A evo kako štriklirano detinjstvo izgleda. Čuvamo ih bezbednim i zdravim i hranimo i pojimo, a potom želimo da se postaramo da pohađaju dobre škole, da su u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama, i da dobiju dobre ocene u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama. Ali ne samo ocene, prosek, i ne samo ocene i prosek, već i priznanja i nagrade i da se bave sportom, aktivnostima, predvodništvom. Govorimo našoj deci, nemojte samo da se učlanite, osnujte klub jer fakulteti žele to da vide. I štriklirajte polje društvenog rada. Mislim, pokažite fakultetima da marite za druge.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.
I sve ovo se radi zarad priželjkivane savršene diplome. Očekujemo od dece da imaju vrhunski učinak, koji nikad nismo tražili od nas samih, i kako se toliko zahteva od njih, smatramo, svakako da mi roditelji moramo da se prepiremo sa svakim nastavnikom i direktorom i trenerom i sudijom i da se ponašamo kao dečji asistent i lični sekundant i sekretarica.
And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
I onda s našom decom, našom dragocenom decom, provodimo toliko vremena u poguravanju, dodvoravanju, aludiranju, pomaganju, cenkanju, zakeranju - shodno tome kako bismo se postarali da ne završe loše, da ne zatvaraju vrata, ne uništavaju svoju budućnost, nekakav priželjkivani prijem na šačicu fakulteta koji odbijaju skoro sve kandidate.
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
A evo kako izgleda biti dete u ovom štrikliranom detinjstvu. Pre svega, nema vremena za slobodnu igru. Nema tome mesta tokom popodneva jer sve mora da obogaćuje decu, tako smatramo. Kao da je svaki domaći zadatak, svaki kviz, svaka aktivnost sudbonosni tren za budućnost koju smo im osmislili, i oslobađamo ih pomaganja u kućnim aktivnostima, čak ih oslobađamo i od sna dokle god štrikliraju zaduženja na svojim listama. A u štrikliranom detinjstvu, govorimo da samo želimo da budu srećna, ali kad se vrate kući iz škole, prečesto prvo što pitamo je o domaćim zadacima i ocenama. I ona vide na našim licima da naše odobravanje, naša ljubav, da sama njihova vrednost potiče od petica. I onda šetamo uz njih i pružamo im glasnu podršku poput dresera na Vestminsterskoj izložbi pasa -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
nagovaramo ih da skaču malo više i da se vinu malo dalje, dan za danom za danom. A kad stignu do srednje škole, ne kažu: "Pa, šta bi me zanimalo da učim ili čime da se zanimam?" Odlaze kod savetnika i kažu: "Šta bi trebalo da uradim da bih stigla na dobar fakultet?" A onda kad krenu ocene u srednjoj školi i počnu da dobijaju četvorke ili, ne daj bože, neke trojke, u panici šalju prijateljima poruke, pitajući: "Da li je iko upisao dobar fakultet sa ovim ocenama?"
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
A naša deca, bez obzira na to gde završila nakon srednje škole, bez daha su. Krhka su. Pomalo su istrošena. Pomalo su ostarila pre vremena, želeći da su odrasli iz njihovog života rekli: "Dovoljno ste uradili, ovaj trud koji ste uložili tokom detinjstva je dovoljan." I ona trenutno venu pod visokim stopama anksioznosti i depresije, a neka od njih se pitaju, hoće li ovaj život ikad ispasti vredan svega ovoga?
Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.
Pa, mi roditelji, mi roditelji smo prilično uvereni da je vredno svega toga. Čini se da se ponašamo - kao da bukvalno smatramo da neće imati budućnost, ako ne upadnu u neki od tih fakulteta i karijera iz uskog kruga, koje smo zacrtali za njih.
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.
Ili smo možda, možda, prosto uplašeni da neće imati budućnost kojom možemo da se hvalimo pred našim prijateljima i sa nalepnicama na pozadini automobila. Da.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me." And so with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go.
No, ako razmotrite šta smo uradili, ako imate hrabrosti da to zaista razmotrite, videćete da ne samo da naša deca misle da vrede onoliko kolike su im ocene i prosek, već da kad se uselimo direktno u njihove dragocene umove u razvoju, sve vreme, poput sopstvene verzije filma "Biti Džon Malkovič", šaljemo našoj deci poruku: "Slušaj, dete, smatram da ništa od ovoga zaista ne bi ostvario bez mene." Pa uz našu preteranu pomoć, našu prezaštićenost i preterano usmeravanje i paženje, lišavamo našu decu prilike da izgrade samoefikasnost, a to je zaista temeljno načelo ljudske psihe, daleko važnije od samopouzdanja koje dobiju svaki put kad im aplaudiramo. Samoefikasnost se gradi kad pojedinac uvidi da njegova dela daju rezultate, ne - Samo napred.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.
A ne dela roditelja u njegovo ime, već kad lična dela pojedinca daju rezultate. Prosto rečeno, ako želimo da naša deca razviju samoefikasnost, a moraju, onda će morati daleko više da razmišljaju, planiraju, odlučuju, rade, nadaju se, izlaze na kraj, pokušavaju i greše, sanjaju i proživljavaju život samostalno.
Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.
Sad, da li govorim da je svako dete vredno i motivisano i nije im potrebno mešanje roditelja i njihovih interesa u život i samo treba da se povučemo i pustimo ih? Nipošto!
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.
Ne govorim to. Govorim da kad tretiramo ocene i prosek i priznanja i nagrade kao svrhu detinjstva, a sve zbog približavanja upisu na neki priželjkivani fakultet ili ulasku u maleni krug karijera, to je suviše svedena definicija uspeha za našu decu. I, iako im možemo pomoći da dobiju neke kratkoročne pobede preteranim pomaganjem - poput dobijanja boljih ocena, ako im pomažemo s domaćim, možda će imati dužu biografiju detinjstva kad im pomažemo - govorim da sve ovo na duže staze šteti njihovoj svesti o sebi. Govorim da bi trebalo da manje budemo obuzeti određenim krugom fakulteta na koje mogu da se prijave ili ih možda upišu, a daleko više zainteresovani time da steknu navike, mentalni sklop, veštine, dobrostanje, da budu uspešni kuda god da krenu. Govorim da zbog naše dece moramo da budemo manje opsednuti ocenama i prosekom, a daleko zainteresovaniji za to da im detinjstvo obezbedi temelj za njihov uspeh, sagrađen od nečega kao što je ljubav i kućni poslovi.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.
Da li sam rekla kućni poslovi? Da li sam to upravo rekla? Zaista jesam. Uistinu, evo zašto. Najduže longitudinalno istraživanje ljudi ikad sprovedeno se naziva Istraživanje Harvard Grant. Otkrilo je da profesionalni uspeh u životu, nešto što želimo našoj deci, da profesionalni uspeh u životu proističe iz obavljanja kućnih poslova u detinjstvu i što ranije počnete, to bolje, da mentalni sklop - zavrnuti-rukave-i-pripomoći, mentalni sklop koji kaže: postoji i neprijatan posao, neko mora da ga obavi, bolje da to budem ja; mentalni sklop koji kaže: priložiću svoj trud zarad sveukupnog boljitka - tako se napreduje na radnom mestu. E sad, svi ovo znamo. Vi ovo znate.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
Svi ovo znamo, pa ipak u štrikliranom detinjstvu, oslobađamo decu kućnih poslova, i ona završe kao mladi ljudi na radnom mestu i dalje čekajući na listu za štrikliranje, koja ne postoji; a što je još značajnije, nedostaje im potisak, instinkt da zavrnu rukave i pripomognu i da se osvrnu i zapitaju: kako mogu da budem od pomoći kolegama? Kako da unapred predvidim šta bi mom šefu trebalo?
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
Drugo, veoma važno otkriće iz Istraživanja Harvard Grant kaže da sreća u životu proističe iz ljubavi, ne ljubavi prema poslu, već ljubavi prema ljudima: našem supružniku, našem partneru, našim prijateljima, našoj porodici. Stoga bi deca u detinjstvu trebalo da nauče da vole, a ne mogu da vole druge, ako prevashodno ne vole sebe, a neće voleti sebe, ako im ne pružimo bezuslovnu ljubav.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.
Tačno tako. I stoga, umesto opsednutosti ocenama i prosekom, kad se naš dragoceni potomak vrati kući iz škole, ili se mi vratimo kući s posla, trebalo bi da isključimo tehnologiju, odložimo telefone i da ih pogledamo u oči i dozvolimo im da vide radost koja nam obasjava lica jer vidimo svoju decu prvi put nakon nekoliko sati. A onda moramo da pitamo: "Kako ste proveli dan? Šta vam je danas bilo lepo?" A kad vaša tinejdžerka odgovori: "Užina", kao što moja radi, a ja želim da čujem o kontrolnom iz matematike, a ne o užini, i dalje se morate zainteresovati za užinu. Morate da pitate: "Šta je tako krasno bilo kod današnje užine?" Moraju da znaju da su nam važni kao ljudi, a ne zbog proseka.
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
U redu, sad mislite, kućni poslovi i ljubav, sve to zvuči sjajno, ali manite me se. Fakulteti žele da vide vrhunski prosek i ocene i priznanja i nagrade, a ja vam kažem da nije baš tako. Najuglednije škole to traže od naše omladine, ali evo dobrih vijesti. Nasuprot tome u šta nas uveravaju reketaši koji rangiraju fakultete -
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
ne morate da pohađate najugledniju školu da biste bili srećni i uspešni u životu. Srećni i uspešni ljudi su pohađali državne škole, pohađali su manje fakultete za koje niko nije čuo, pohađali su državne fakultete, pohađali su te tamo fakultete i napuštali ih.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
Dokaz je u ovoj prostoriji, u našim zajednicama, da je ovo istina. I ako bismo proširili vidike i bili voljni da razmotrimo još par fakulteta, možda uklonili sopstveni ego iz jednačine, mogli bismo da prihvatimo i prigrlimo ovu istinu i da shvatimo, teško da je smak sveta, ako naša deca ne pohađaju jedan od tih uglednijih fakulteta. I što je još važnije, ako detinjstvo ne prožive prema tiranskoj listi za štrikliranje, onda će kad upišu fakultet, koji god to bio, pa, stići će tamo samovoljno, pokrenuti sopstvenom željom, sposobni i spremni da uspeju tamo.
I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees --
Moram nešto da vam priznam. Pomenula sam da imam dvoje dece, Sojera i Ejveri. Tinejdžeri su. I nekada davno, mislim da sam tretirala mog Sojera i moju Ejveri poput malenog bonsai drveća -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
htela sam pažljivo da ih podšišam i potkrešem i oblikujem u nekakva savršena ljudska bića, koja će možda biti dovoljno savršena da obezbede sebi upis na jedan od najizbirljivijih fakulteta. Ali sam shvatila, radeći sa hiljadama tuđe dece -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species --
i podižući dvoje sopstvene dece, da moja deca nisu bonsai drveće. Ona su livadsko cveće nepoznatog roda i vrste -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
a moj je posao da im obezbedim plodno okruženje, da ih ojačam kroz kućne poslove i da ih volim kako bi oni znali da vole druge i prihvate ljubav, a fakultet, odsek, karijera, to je na njima. Moj posao nije da ih nateram da postanu ono što ja želim da postanu, već da im pružim podršku da ostvare svoje najuzvišenije "ja".
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)