I have a daughter, Mulan. And when she was eight, last year, she was doing a report for school or she had some homework about frogs. And we were at this restaurant, and she said, "So, basically, frogs lay eggs and the eggs turn into tadpoles, and tadpoles turn into frogs."
我有個女兒,她叫木蘭。 在她八歲的時候,也就是去年, 她在做一份作業, 一份關於青蛙的作業。 我們在一家餐廳用餐, 她說:「基本上, 青蛙會先生蛋, 蛋變成蝌蚪, 然後蝌蚪再變成青蛙。」
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much. It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs, and then the males fertilize them. And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
我說:「嗯,我對青蛙的繁殖並不是真的那麼瞭解。 我想,是母的青蛙生蛋, 然後公的青蛙讓這些蛋受精, 然後變成蝌蚪和青蛙。」
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
然後她說:「什麼?只有母的會生蛋?」
And I said, "Yeah."
我說:「對啊。」
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
然後她說:「那什麼是受精?」
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient, you know, that you need to create a new frog from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
所以我回答:「噢,就是加入一些其他的材料啊... 就是青蛙媽媽 和青蛙爸爸會一起 製造出一隻新的青蛙啊...」
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
然後她說:「噢,那人類也一樣嗎?」
And I thought, "Okay, here we go." I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight. I was trying to remember all the guidebooks, and all I could remember was, "Only answer the question they're asking. Don't give any more information." (Laughter) So I said, "Yes."
我心裡想,「好吧,總是要面對的。」 我不知道孩子還這麼小就會想知道這件事,才八歲耶... 我試著回想我看過的指導手冊, 我能想到的只有 「只要回答他們問的問題就好, 其他不要多講。」 所以我回答:「是啊。」
And she said, "And where do, um, where do human women, like, where do women lay their eggs?"
然後她說:「那,蛋在哪裡? 人類女性... 女人把蛋生在哪裡?」
And I said, "Well, funny you should ask. (Laughter) We have evolved to have our own pond. We have our very own pond inside our bodies. And we lay our eggs there, we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that. It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
我說:「嗯, 你問得很有趣, 我們已經進化到有自己的池塘了哦, 我們在自己的身體裡有一個池塘, 我們就把蛋生在那裡, 我們不用擔心有其他人的蛋或是其他什麼的。 那是我們自己的池塘,就是這樣。」
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
然後她說:「那這些蛋怎麼受精?」
And I said, "Well, Men, through their penis, they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out. And you go through the woman's vagina."
我說:「嗯, 男人,用他們的小雞雞, 把精子發射出來,讓這些蛋受精, 然後你就從女人的陰道生出來了。」
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops, and she goes, "Mom! Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
我們那時正在吃飯,她的下巴都快掉下來了, 然後她問:「媽咪! 就像你上廁所一樣?」
And I said, "I know. I know." (Laughter) That's how we evolved. It does seem odd. It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant right next to an amusement park ... Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
然後我說:「我知道... 我知道...」 (笑聲) 這就是生物啊...看起來確實很怪, 就有點像是在遊樂場旁邊 蓋了一個化糞池一樣, 地點選得不好,但是...
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom, but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom. So how could that ever happen?"
她的表情像在說:「什麼?」然後她問:「但是媽咪, 男生和女生不是不能互相偷看對方脫光光嗎? 那要怎麼受精?」
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on. "Human males and females develop a special bond, and when they're much older, much, much older than you, and they have a very special feeling, then they can be naked together."
我只好把自己裝成瑪格麗特.米格(人類學家): 「人類的社會為男性和女性 建立了一些規範, 當他們長大之後,比你大很多、很多的時候, 當他們對彼此具有好感之後, 就可以脫光光在一起了。」
And she said, "Mom, have you done this before?"
然後她問:「媽咪, 那你以前做過嗎?」
And I said, "Yes."
我說:「有啊。」
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids." Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
然後她說:「但是媽咪,你不能生小孩啊...」 她知道她是被我領養的,而且我不能生育。
And I said, "Yes."
我說:「對啊。」
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
然後她說:「嗯,那你以後就不用再做了。」
And I said, "..."
然後我說:「...」
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together? Like, how do they know that's the time? Mom, does the man just say, 'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
然後她說:「那男人和女人在一起的時候是怎麼做的呢? 像他們怎麼知道要什麼時候做? 媽咪,還是男人會說 『我現在可以脫褲子了嗎?』」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And I said, "Yes." (Laughter) "That is exactly right. That's exactly how it happens."
我說:「對啊。」 (笑聲) 「你說的對, 就是這樣。」
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes, "Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street, like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
當我們開車回家的時候,她看著車窗外面,突然問說: 「媽咪,會不會有二個人在路上遇到, 剛好是一個男人和一個女人,然後他們就問始做了?會不會這樣?」
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private. Oh ..."
我說:「噢,不會。人類是很注重隱私的, 不會這樣。」
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party, and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys, and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom? Would that ever happen?"
她接著問:「那會不會在派對上, 剛好有一群女孩子和一群男孩子, 也有一群男人和一群女人,然後就開始做了? 媽咪,會不會這樣?」
And I said, "Oh, no, no. That's not how we do it."
我說:「噢,不會,不會。 人類不是這樣的。」
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes, "Mom, how do cats do it?"
然後我們回到家看到了貓咪,她就問: 「媽咪,那貓咪是怎麼做的?」
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
我說:「噢,一樣啊,基本上都一樣。」
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom? I don't understand the legs." She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
然後她開始煩我腳的問題:「那腳要擺哪裡? 媽咪,我不懂腳可以擺哪裡?」 她說:「媽咪,不是每個人都會劈腿吧?」
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..." and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
我說:「我知道...但是腳...」 我回答:「腳會自己想辦法。」
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
然後她說:「但是我就是不懂啊...」
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet, and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
所以我建議:「我們為什麼不上網, 看看能不能找到...像是維基百科之類的。」
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating." And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos. And we watched them and I'm so thankful, because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing." She goes, "What about dogs?" So we put in dogs mating, and, you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
然後我們上網,我輸入貓咪交配, 然後,竟然在Youtube上找到了很多貓咪交配的影片。 然後我們就看這些影片,我心存感謝, 因為她的表情就像,「哇!太精彩了!」 然後她又說:「那狗是怎麼交配的?」 所以我們又輸入狗的交配, 然後就又開始看那些影片,她完全專注在那些影片上。
And then she goes, "Mom, do you think they would have, on the Internet, any humans mating?" (Laughter) And then I realized that I had taken my little eight year old's hand, and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
最後她問:「媽咪, 你覺得在網路上, 會不會有人交配的影片?」 (笑聲) 然後我才發覺, 我把自己的八歲女兒 帶進了網路色情世界裡去了。
And I looked into this trusting, loving face, and I said, "Oh, no. That would never happen."
然後我看著這個 全心信任我、愛我的小臉蛋, 我說: 「噢,不會, 網路上沒有。」
Thank you.
謝謝你們。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Thank you.
謝謝你們。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
謝謝你們。我很高興來到這裡。