When I was born, there was really only one book about how to raise your children, and it was written by Dr. Spock. (Laughter) Thank you for indulging me. I have always wanted to do that.
Kada sam rođena, postojala je samo jedna knjiga o tome kako da podižete svoju decu, nju je napisao dr Spok. (Smeh) Hvala za povlađivanje. Oduvek sam želela da to uradim.
No, it was Benjamin Spock, and his book was called "The Common Sense Book of Baby And Child Care." It sold almost 50 million copies by the time he died. Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old, walk into Barnes and Noble, and see this. And it is amazing the variety that one finds on those shelves. There are guides to raising an eco-friendly kid, a gluten-free kid, a disease-proof kid, which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy. There are guides to raising a bilingual kid even if you only speak one language at home. There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid and a science-minded kid and a kid who is a whiz at yoga. Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse a nuclear bomb, there is pretty much a guide to everything.
Ne, bio je to Bendžamin Spok, a knjiga se zvala: "Nega dece po dr Spoku". Do njegove smrti, prodato je skoro 50 miliona kopija knjige. Danas, ja, kao majka šestogodišnjaka, uđem u knjižaru i vidim ovo. Zadivljujuća je raznovrsnost koju možete naći na tim policama. Postoje uputstva kako da podignete ekološki osvešćeno dete, bezglutensko dete, dete otporno na bolesti, što je, ako se ja pitam, malčice jezivo. Postoje uputstva za podizanje bilingvalnog deteta, čak i ako govorite samo jedan jezik kod kuće. Postoje uputstva za podizanje deteta koje se razume u finansije, i deteta s umom naučnika, i deteta koje je ekspert joge. Osim učenja kako da vaše novorođenče razmontira nuklearnu bombu, postoji vodič skoro za sve.
All of these books are well-intentioned. I am sure that many of them are great. But taken together, I am sorry, I do not see help when I look at that shelf. I see anxiety. I see a giant candy-colored monument to our collective panic, and it makes me want to know, why is it that raising our children is associated with so much anguish and so much confusion? Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens about the one thing human beings have been doing successfully for millennia, long before parenting message boards and peer-reviewed studies came along? Why is it that so many mothers and fathers experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?
Sve ove knjige su dobronamerne. Sigurna sam da su mnoge od njih sjajne. No sveukupno, žao mi je, ne vidim pomoć kad pogledam na tu policu. Vidim nespokoj. Vidim džinovski ružičasti spomenik našoj kolektivnoj panici. Zbog čega se pitam, kako to da je podizanje naše dece povezano sa toliko muke i toliko nedoumica? Kako to da smo stali na krivu nogu sa jedinom stvari koju su ljudska bića obavljala uspešno milenijumima, mnogo pre nego što su se blogovi i naučne studije o roditeljstvu pojavili? Zašto toliko majki i očeva doživljava roditeljstvo kao krizu?
Crisis might seem like a strong word, but there is data suggesting it probably isn't. There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name, "Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957, and in the 50-plus years since, there has been plenty of scholarship documenting a pretty clear pattern of parental anguish. Parents experience more stress than non-parents. Their marital satisfaction is lower. There have been a number of studies looking at how parents feel when they are spending time with their kids, and the answer often is, not so great. Last year, I spoke with a researcher named Matthew Killingsworth who is doing a very, very imaginative project that tracks people's happiness, and here is what he told me he found: "Interacting with your friends is better than interacting with your spouse, which is better than interacting with other relatives, which is better than interacting with acquaintances, which is better than interacting with parents, which is better than interacting with children. Who are on par with strangers." (Laughter)
Kriza će vam se možda učiniti kao prejaka reč, ali istraživanja pokazuju da verovatno i nije. Postoji, zapravo, studija koja se baš tako zove: "Roditeljstvo kao kriza", objavljena 1957. i u narednih 50 i više godina, mnogi naučnici su zabeležili prilično jasan obrazac muka roditeljstva. Roditelji doživljavaju više stresa od onih koji to nisu. Njihovo bračno zadovoljstvo je manje. Postoje brojne studije o tome kako se roditelji osećaju dok provode vreme sa svojom decom, a odgovor često i nije baš povoljan. Prošle godine sam razgovarala s naučnikom po imenu Metju Kilingsvort, on sprovodi veoma, veoma maštovite projekte koji se bave ljudskom srećom i evo šta mi je rekao da je otkrio: "Druženje s prijateljima je bolje od druženja sa svojim supružnikom, što je bolje od druženja s rodbinom, što je bolje od druženja s poznanicima, što je bolje od druženja s roditeljima, što je bolje od druženja s decom, koja su u istoj ravni sa strancima." (Smeh)
But here's the thing. I have been looking at what underlies these data for three years, and children are not the problem. Something about parenting right now at this moment is the problem. Specifically, I don't think we know what parenting is supposed to be. Parent, as a verb, only entered common usage in 1970. Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed. The roles of our children have changed. We are all now furiously improvising our way through a situation for which there is no script, and if you're an amazing jazz musician, then improv is great, but for the rest of us, it can kind of feel like a crisis.
Ali evo šta je u pitanju. Posmatrala sam tokom tri godine šta se krije iza ovih podataka i deca nisu problem. Nešto u vezi sa roditeljstvom baš sad u ovom momentu, to je problem. Tačnije, mislim da mi ni ne znamo kako bi roditeljstvo trebalo da izgleda. Roditeljstvo, kao imenica, tek je ušlo u opštu upotrebu 1970. Naše uloge majki i očeva su se promenile. Uloge naše dece su se promenile. Svi mi sad žestoko improvizujemo dok prolazimo kroz situacije za koje ne postoje uputstva. Ukoliko ste izuzetan džez muzičar onda je improvizacija sjajna, ali za nas ostale nekako izgleda poput krize.
So how did we get here? How is it that we are all now navigating a child-rearing universe without any norms to guide us? Well, for starters, there has been a major historical change. Until fairly recently, kids worked, on our farms primarily, but also in factories, mills, mines. Kids were considered economic assets. Sometime during the Progressive Era, we put an end to this arrangement. We recognized kids had rights, we banned child labor, we focused on education instead, and school became a child's new work. And thank God it did. But that only made a parent's role more confusing in a way. The old arrangement might not have been particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal. We provided food, clothing, shelter, and moral instruction to our kids, and they in return provided income.
Kako smo došli dovde? Kako to da svi sad plovimo kroz univerzum dečje nege bez ikakvih pravila kojima bismo se vodili? Pa, za početak, desila se velika istorijska promena. Sve do nedavno, deca su radila, pre svega na našim imanjima, ali takođe i u fabrikama, mlinovima, rudnicima. Deca su smatrana ekonomskim aktivom. Negde, tokom ere progresa, ukinuli smo ovakvo uređenje. Shvatili smo da deca imaju prava, zabranili smo dečji rad, usredsredili smo se umesto toga na obrazovanje te je škola postala novo zanimanje za decu. I hvala bogu da jeste. No to je samo učinilo ulogu roditelja, na neki način još nejasnijom. Staro uređenje možda i nije bilo naročito etično, ali je bilo recipročno. Mi smo obezbeđivali hranu, odeću, sklonište i moralne pouke našoj deci, a ona su za uzvrat privređivala.
Once kids stopped working, the economics of parenting changed. Kids became, in the words of one brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist, "economically worthless but emotionally priceless." Rather than them working for us, we began to work for them, because within only a matter of decades it became clear: if we wanted our kids to succeed, school was not enough. Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work, but that's work for us too, because we are the ones driving them to soccer practice. Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work, but that's also work for us, because we have to check it. About three years ago, a Texas woman told something to me that totally broke my heart. She said, almost casually, "Homework is the new dinner." The middle class now pours all of its time and energy and resources into its kids, even though the middle class has less and less of those things to give. Mothers now spend more time with their children than they did in 1965, when most women were not even in the workforce.
Čim su deca prestala da rade, ekonomija roditeljstva se promenila. Deca su postala, prema rečima jednog briljantnog, mada potpuno nemilosrdnog sociologa: "ekonomski bezvredna, ali emocionalno neprocenjiva." Umesto da ona rade za nas, mi smo počeli da radimo za njih, jer je samo za nekoliko decenija postalo jasno: ako želimo da naša deca budu uspešna, škola nije dovoljna. Danas su vannastavne aktivnosti dečje novo zanimanje, ali to je posao i za nas takođe, jer mi smo ti koji ih vozimo na fudbalski trening. Obimni domaći zadaci su dečje novo zanimanje, ali to je takođe i naš posao, jer mi moramo da ih proveravamo. Pre oko tri godine, jedna Teksašanka mi je rekla nešto što mi je potpuno slomilo srce. Rekla je, gotovo nonšalantno: "Domaći zadatak je nova večera." Srednja klasa danas troši sve svoje vreme, energiju i sredstva na decu, iako srednja klasa ima sve manje i manje svega ovoga da da. Majke danas provode više vremena sa svojom decom nego što su 1965., kada većina žena nije pripadala radnoj snazi.
It would probably be easier for parents to do their new roles if they knew what they were preparing their kids for. This is yet another thing that makes modern parenting so very confounding. We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any, is of use to our kids. The world is changing so rapidly, it's impossible to say. This was true even when I was young. When I was a kid, high school specifically, I was told that I would be at sea in the new global economy if I did not know Japanese. And with all due respect to the Japanese, it didn't turn out that way. Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin, and maybe they're onto something, but we cannot know for sure. So, absent being able to anticipate the future, what we all do, as good parents, is try and prepare our kids for every possible kind of future, hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off. We teach our kids chess, thinking maybe they will need analytical skills. We sign them up for team sports, thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills, you know, for when they go to Harvard Business School. We try and teach them to be financially savvy and science-minded and eco-friendly and gluten-free, though now is probably a good time to tell you that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child. I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef. And you know what? I'm doing okay. I pay my taxes. I hold down a steady job. I was even invited to speak at TED. But the presumption now is that what was good enough for me, or for my folks for that matter, isn't good enough anymore. So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf, because we feel like if we aren't trying everything, it's as if we're doing nothing and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.
Verovatno bi roditeljima bilo lakše da igraju svoje uloge kada bi znali za šta pripremaju svoju decu. Ovo je još jedna stvar zbog koje je moderno roditeljstvo tako konfuzno. Nemamo predstavu koja će naša mudrost, ako će ijedna, da bude od koristi našoj deci. Svet se menja tako brzo, da je nemoguće to znati. Tako je bilo čak i kad sam ja bila mlada. Kada sam bila dete, tačnije u srednjoj školi, rečeno mi je da ću da budem izgubljena u novoj globalnoj ekonomiji ukoliko ne budem govorila japanski. I, uz dužno poštovanje Japancima, nije ispalo tako. Danas imamo tip roditelja iz srednje klase koji je opsednut time da njegova deca znaju mandarinski, i možda su na tragu nečega, ali ne možemo da budemo sigurni. Kako nismo u stanju da predvidimo budućnost, svi mi, kao dobri roditelji, pokušavamo da pripremimo našu decu na sve moguće ishode u budućnosti, nadajući se da će se bar neki naš trud isplatiti. Učimo našu decu šah, misleći da će im možda trebati analitičke veštine. Upisujemo ih na timske sportove, misleći kako će im možda trebati veština saradnje, znate, ako upišu Poslovnu školu na Harvadu. Pokušavamo da ih naučimo kako da razumeju finansije i razmišljaju kao naučnici i da budu ekološki osvešćeni i da žive bez glutena. Možda je sad dobar trenutak da vam kažem da ja nisam bila ekološki osvešćena, niti sam živela bez glutena. Pojela sam tegle i tegle pasiranih makarona s govedinom. I znate šta? Ne ide mi loše. Plaćam porez. Imam stalan posao. Čak su me i pozvali da govorim na TED-u. No danas živimo u ubeđenju da ono što je bilo dobro za mene ili za moje roditelje, više nije dovoljno dobro. Zato svi mi mahnito hrlimo toj polici s knjigama, jer imamo osećaj da ako sve ne pokušamo, biće kao da nismo uradili ništa i kao da smo se oglušili o obaveze prema našoj deci.
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles as mothers and fathers. Now add to this problem something else: we are also navigating new roles as husbands and wives because most women today are in the workforce. This is another reason, I think, that parenthood feels like a crisis. We have no rules, no scripts, no norms for what to do when a child comes along now that both mom and dad are breadwinners. The writer Michael Lewis once put this very, very well. He said that the surest way for a couple to start fighting is for them to go out to dinner with another couple whose division of labor is ever so slightly different from theirs, because the conversation in the car on the way home goes something like this: "So, did you catch that Dave is the one who walks them to school every morning?" (Laughter) Without scripts telling us who does what in this brave new world, couples fight, and both mothers and fathers each have their legitimate gripes. Mothers are much more likely to be multi-tasking when they are at home, and fathers, when they are at home, are much more likely to be mono-tasking. Find a guy at home, and odds are he is doing just one thing at a time. In fact, UCLA recently did a study looking at the most common configuration of family members in middle-class homes. Guess what it was? Dad in a room by himself. According to the American Time Use Survey, mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers, which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day, but I still think that something she wrote is highly relevant: "I have not been alone in the bathroom since October." (Laughter)
Dovoljno nam je teško snalaziti se u novim ulogama majki i očeva. Sada tome dodajte i ovo: mi se takođe snalazimo u novim ulogama muževa i žena jer je većina žena danas radna snaga. Mislim da je ovo dodatni razlog zašto se roditeljstvo čini poput krize. Ne postoje pravila, uputstva, norme koje bi nas pripremile za dolazak deteta, sada kada i mama i tata zarađuju za hleb. Pisac Majkl Luis primetio je to veoma, veoma dobro. Rekao je da je najsigurniji način da se par posvađa, taj da izađe na večeru s drugim parom čija je raspodela rada iole drugačija od njihove, jer će razgovor u autu, na putu do kuće, da izgleda ovako: "Jesi li čuo da kod njih Dejv svakog jutra vodi decu u školu?" (Smeh) Bez uputstava koja bi nam rekla šta je čiji posao u ovom vrlom novom svetu, parovi se svađaju, a i jedni i drugi imaju osnov za žalbu. Majke najverovatnije rade više poslova kada su kod kuće, a očevi, kada su kod kuće, najverovatnije rade samo jedan posao. Pronađite muškarca koji je kod kuće i sve su prilike da radi samo jedan posao. Zapravo, nedavno je Univerzitet u Kaliforniji uradio studiju u kojoj su posmatrali najčešće konfiguracije porodičnih članova u domaćinstvima srednje klase. Pogodite šta su otkrili? Tata je često sam u sobi. Prema istraživanju "Kako amerikanci provode vreme", majke i dalje dvostruko više brinu o deci od očeva, što je daleko bolje nego u vreme Erme Bombek, ali i dalje mislim da ono što je ona napisala i danas stoji: "Nisam bila sama u kupatilu od oktobra." (Smeh)
But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty. They spend more time with their kids than their fathers ever spent with them. They work more paid hours, on average, than their wives, and they genuinely want to be good, involved dads. Today, it is fathers, not mothers, who report the most work-life conflict.
Ali evo o čemu se radi: muškarci mnogo rade. Provode više vremena sa svojom decom nego što su njihovi očevi provodili s njima. Rade više sati, u proseku, nego njihove supruge, i uistinu žele da budu dobri, angažovani očevi. Danas se očevi, ne majke, najčešće žale na konflikt između posla i slobodnog vremena.
Either way, by the way, if you think it's hard for traditional families to sort out these new roles, just imagine what it's like now for non-traditional families: families with two dads, families with two moms, single-parent households. They are truly improvising as they go.
Kako god, usput, ako mislite da je teško tradicionalnim porodicama da izađu na kraj s novim ulogama, samo zamislite kako je danas netradicionalnim porodicama: porodicama s dvojicom očeva, porodicama s dve mame, samohranim roditeljima. Oni uistinu improvizuju u hodu.
Now, in a more progressive country, and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché and invoking, yes, Sweden, parents could rely on the state for support. There are countries that acknowledge the anxieties and the changing roles of mothers and fathers. Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them, so in case you were wondering what the U.S. has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia, it's this: We too have no paid maternity leave policy. We are one of eight known countries that does not.
U naprednijim državama, oprostićete mi što podležem klišeu i prizivam, da, Švedsku, roditelji se mogu osloniti na pomoć države. Postoje zemlje koje prepoznaju strepnje i izmene u ulogama majki i očeva. Nažalost, SAD nije jedna od njih. Ukoliko ste se pitali šta SAD ima zajedničko sa Papuom Novom Gvinejom i Liberijom, evo šta: ni mi nemamo plaćeno porodiljsko bolovanje. Mi smo jedna od osam poznatih zemalja koja to nema.
In this age of intense confusion, there is just one goal upon which all parents can agree, and that is whether they are tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones, our kids' happiness is paramount. That is what it means to raise kids in an age when they are economically worthless but emotionally priceless. We are all the custodians of their self-esteem. The one mantra no parent ever questions is, "All I want is for my children to be happy." And don't get me wrong: I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child. But it is a very elusive one. Happiness and self-confidence, teaching children that is not like teaching them how to plow a field. It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike. There's no curriculum for it. Happiness and self-confidence can be the byproducts of other things, but they cannot really be goals unto themselves. A child's happiness is a very unfair burden to place on a parent. And happiness is an even more unfair burden to place on a kid.
U ovom dobu intenzivne pometnje, samo je jedan cilj oko kojeg će svi roditelji da se slože, i to bez obzira da li su autoritarne mame, mame hipici, prezaštitničke mame ili pritajene tigrice, sreća naše dece je najvažnija. Eto šta znači podizanje dece u vremenu u kome su ekonomski bezvredna, ali emocionalno neprocenjiva. Svi smo mi čuvari njihovog samopoštovanja. Mantra u koju ni jedan roditelj ne sumnja glasi: "Sve što želim svom detetu je da bude srećno." I nemojte me pogrešno shvatiti, mislim da je dečja sreća izuzetan cilj. Ali je i veoma nedostižan cilj. Sreća i samopuzdanje, učiti decu tome, nije isto kao učiti ih kako da uzoru njivu. Nije isto kao učiti ih kako da voze bicikl. Ne postoji nastavni plan za to. Sreća i samopouzdanje mogu da budu nusproizvodi nečeg drugog, ali ne mogu zaista da budu ciljevi za sebe. Dečja sreća je veoma nepravedno breme za roditelje. Sreća je još nepravednije breme za decu.
And I have to tell you, I think it leads to some very strange excesses. We are now so anxious to protect our kids from the world's ugliness that we now shield them from "Sesame Street." I wish I could say I was kidding about this, but if you go out and you buy the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD, as I did out of nostalgia, you will find a warning at the beginning saying that the content is not suitable for children. (Laughter) Can I just repeat that? The content of the original "Sesame Street" is not suitable for children. When asked about this by The New York Times, a producer for the show gave a variety of explanations. One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe in one skit and then swallowed it. Bad modeling. I don't know. But the thing that stuck with me is she said that she didn't know whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today because he was too depressive. I cannot tell you how much this distresses me. (Laughter) You are looking at a woman who has a periodic table of the Muppets hanging from her cubicle wall. The offending muppet, right there.
I moram da vam kažem kako mislim da to vodi u izuzetno čudne krajnosti. Toliko se brinemo da zaštitimo decu od nakaznosti sveta da ih danas štitimo od "Ulice Sezam". Volela bih da mogu da kažem kako se šalim, ali ako krenete da kupite prvih nekoliko epizoda "Ulice Sezam" na DVD-ju, kao što sam ja, zbog nostalgije, zateći ćete upozorenje na početku koje vam kaže kako taj sadržaj nije pogodan za decu. (Smeh) Mogu li to da ponovim? Sadržaj originalne "Ulice Sezam" nije pogodan za decu. Kada ju je Njujork tajms upitao o ovome, producentkinja serije je ponudila niz obrazloženja. Jedno od njih je da Keksomlat puši lulu u jednom skeču i potom je proguta. Loš uzor. Pojma nemam. Ali ono što mi se urezalo u sećanje je da je rekla kako nije sigurna da li bi Oskar mogao da bude izmišljen u današnjem vremenu jer je isuviše depresivan. Ne mogu da vam opišem koliko me ovo pogađa. (Smeh) Gledate u ženu, s periodnim sistemom Mapeta koji vise na zidu njenog odeljenja. Uvredljivi Mapet je tačno tu.
That's my son the day he was born. I was high as a kite on morphine. I had had an unexpected C-section. But even in my opiate haze, I managed to have one very clear thought the first time I held him. I whispered it into his ear. I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you." It was the Hippocratic Oath, and I didn't even know I was saying it. But it occurs to me now that the Hippocratic Oath is a much more realistic aim than happiness. In fact, as any parent will tell you, it's awfully hard. All of us have said or done hurtful things that we wish to God we could take back. I think in another era we did not expect quite so much from ourselves, and it is important that we all remember that the next time we are staring with our hearts racing at those bookshelves. I'm not really sure how to create new norms for this world, but I do think that in our desperate quest to create happy kids, we may be assuming the wrong moral burden. It strikes me as a better goal, and, dare I say, a more virtuous one, to focus on making productive kids and moral kids, and to simply hope that happiness will come to them by virtue of the good that they do and their accomplishments and the love that they feel from us. That, anyway, is one response to having no script. Absent having new scripts, we just follow the oldest ones in the book -- decency, a work ethic, love — and let happiness and self-esteem take care of themselves. I think if we all did that, the kids would still be all right, and so would their parents, possibly in both cases even better.
Ovo je moj sin onog dana kad se rodio. Zbog morfijuma sam lebdela poput zmaja. Imala sam neočekivani carski rez. No čak i kroz svoju opijatsku izmaglicu, uspela sam da uhvatim jednu jasnu misao dok sam ga držala prvi put u naručju. Prošaputala sam mu na uho. Rekla sam: "Daću sve od sebe da te ne povredim." Bila je to Hipokratova zakletva, a ja nisam ni znala da je izgovaram. No sad mi pada na pamet kako je Hipokratova zakletva daleko realističniji cilj od sreće. Zapravo, kao što će svaki roditelj da vam kaže, to je užasno teško. Svi smo mi izgovorili ili uradili nešto uvredljivo što bismo rado povukli. Mislim da u prošlosti nismo toliko očekivali od sebe i važno je da svi to zapamtimo sledeći put kad budemo zurili, dok nam srca lupaju, u te police s knjigama. Nisam baš sigurna kako da stvorimo nova pravila za ovaj svet, ali verujem da, u svom očajničkom pohodu ka stvaranju srećnog deteta, možda preuzimamo pogrešno moralno breme. Pada mi na pamet kako je bolji cilj i, usudiću se da kažem, uzvišeniji da se usredsredimo na stvaranje produktivne dece i moralne dece, i da se prosto nadamo da će sreća da proizađe iz dobra koje čine i iz njihovih postignuća i ljubavi koju osećaju od nas. To je, svakako, jedan od odgovora na nepostojanje uputstava. Kako nemamo nova uputstva, mi prosto pratimo ona najstarija u knjizi - pristojnost, radnu etiku, ljubav - a neka se sreća i samopoštovanje postaraju sami za sebe. Verujem da kad bismo svi postupali ovako, deca bi i dalje bila u redu, a i njihovi bi roditelji, moguće u oba slučaja čak i bolje.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)