TED has already persuaded me to change my life in one small way, by persuading me to change the opening of my speech. I love this idea of engagement. So, when you leave here today, I'm going to ask you to engage or re-engage with some of the most important people in your lives: your brothers and sisters. It can be a profoundly life-affirming thing to do, even if it isn't always easy.
TED 成功的说服我 改变了生活的某一个小方面—— 他们说服了我修改演讲的开篇。 我很喜欢这个 吸引大家注意力的想法。 所以今天大家离开的时候, 我希望你们能吸引或者重新吸引 你人生中最重要的人: 你的亲兄弟姐妹的注意力。 这是一件对人生意义重大的事情, 尽管做起来并不简单。
This is a man named Elliot, for whom things were very difficult. Elliot was a drunk. He spent most of his life battling alcoholism, depression, morphine addiction, and that life ended when he was just 34 years old. What made things harder for Elliot is that his last name was Roosevelt. And he could never quite get past the comparisons with his big brother Teddy, for whom things always seemed to come a little bit easier.
有一位叫 Elliot 的男士, 对于他来说事情总是很艰难。 Elliot 是个酒鬼, 他的一生都在与酒精中毒, 抑郁,和吗啡上瘾做斗争, 最终在 34 岁时离开了人世。 对于 Elliot 来说,他的姓氏 Roosevelt, 让他的生活更加艰难。 他几乎从来都不能在与他哥哥 Teddy(美国第26任总统西奥多·罗斯福) 的比较中胜出, 对于他哥哥,事情总是 看起来要简单一些。
It wasn't easy being Bobby, either. He was also the sibling of a president. But he adored his brother, Jack. He fought for him, he worked for him. And when Jack died, he bled for him, too. In the years that followed, Bobby would smile, but it seemed labored. He'd lose himself in his work, but it seemed tortured. Bobby's own death, so similar to John's, seems somehow fitting. John Kennedy was robbed of his young life; Bobby seemed almost to have been relieved of his.
成为 Bobby (罗伯特·肯尼迪) 也一样不易。 Bobby 也是一位总统的弟弟。 但他很羡慕他的哥哥 Jack(约翰·肯尼迪), 他为他打架, 他为他工作。 当 Jack 死时,他甚至为他流血。 在 Jack 死后的几年中,Bobby 会笑, 但看起来很勉强。 他将自己埋头于工作中, 却让他看起来备受折磨。 Bobby 的死看起来和 Jack 有点相似, 看起来十分“合理”。 约翰·肯尼迪被剥夺了年轻的生活; Bobby 看起来则是 从他自己的生活中得到了解脱。
There may be no relationship that effects us more profoundly, that's closer, finer, harder, sweeter, happier, sadder, more filled with joy or fraught with woe than the relationship we have with our brothers and sisters. There's power in the sibling bond. There's pageantry. There's petulance, too, as when Neil Bush, sibling of both a president and a governor, famously griped, "I've lost patience for being compared to my older brothers," as if Jeb and George W were somehow responsible for the savings and loan scandal and the messy divorce that marked Neil in the public eye.
没有任何一种关系比 这个更加亲密,友好,艰难, 更甜蜜,快乐,悲伤, 更相爱相杀的 手足关系更能深刻的影响我们。 这就是手足间纽带的力量。 这种关系中有壮丽辉煌的, 也有无可奈何的, 就像 Neil Bush(小布什总统的弟弟), 作为一个总统和政客的弟弟, 很典型的受到了牵连, “我已经厌倦了总和我的哥哥作比较,” 因为 Jeb 和 George W 在某种程度上 要为储蓄贷款的丑闻和糟糕的离婚 让 Neil 进入公众视线而负责。
But more important than all of these things, the sibling bond can be a thing of abiding love. Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come along too late. Our siblings are the only ones who are with us for the entire ride. Over the arc of decades, there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our sisters and brothers. It was true for me, it's true for your children and if you have siblings, it's true for you, too.
但比这些更重要的事情是, 这种手足间的纽带是一种持久的爱。 我们的父母很早就会离开我们, 我们的伴侣和孩子出现的又很晚。 我们的兄弟姐妹是 在整个人生旅程中 唯一陪伴我们的人。 在几十年的时间中, 除了与亲兄弟姐妹的关系, 没有更能准确定义我们, 造就我们的东西了。 对我来说是这样, 对你的孩子来说也是这样, 如果你有亲兄弟姐妹, 那么对你来说也是这样。
This picture was taken when Steve, on the left, was eight years old. I was six, our brother Gary was five and my brother Bruce was four. I will not say what year it was taken. It was not this year.
这张照片是在 Steve(左边的男孩) 八岁的时候照的。 我当时六岁,我们的弟弟 Gary 只有五岁,Bruce 只有四岁。 我不会说这是哪一年照的, 反正不是今年。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
I open my new book, "The Sibling Effect," on a Saturday morning, not long before this picture was taken, when the three older brothers decided that it might be a very good idea to lock the younger brother in a fuse cabinet in our playroom.
在某个周六早上,我翻开了 我的新书《手足效应》, 那是在拍这个照片的不久前, 当时三个哥哥觉得 把弟弟锁在游戏室的保险柜中 是个有趣的主意。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
We were, believe it or not, trying to keep him safe.
不管你相不相信, 我们是在试图保障他的安全。
Our father was a hotheaded man, somebody who didn't take kindly to being disturbed on Saturday mornings. I don't know what he thought his life would be like on Saturday mornings when he had four sons, ages four years old or younger when the youngest one was born, but they weren't quiet. He did not take to that well. And he would react to being disturbed on a Saturday morning by stalking into the playroom and administering a very freewheeling form of a corporal punishment, lashing out at whoever was within arms' reach. We were by no means battered children but we did get hit, and we found it terrifying.
我们的父亲是个急性子, 不喜欢在周六早上被打扰。 我不知道当他有四个儿子, 最大的比最小的大四岁, 他希望自己的周六早上 是什么样子, 但他们并不消停。 我父亲当时并没有 很好的处理这些事情。 他对待周六早上被打扰的做法是, 走到游戏室, 开始一种很随意的体罚, 随便拉住他胳膊范围内 能及的孩子进行鞭打。 我们没有被虐待, 但确实受到了惩罚, 而且我们觉得这很可怕。
So we devised a sort of scatter-and-hide drill.
因此我们设计了 一种分散躲藏的演习。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
As soon as we saw or heard the footsteps coming, Steve, the oldest, would wriggle under the couch, I would dive into the closet in the playroom, Gary would dive into a window-seat toy chest, but not before we closed Bruce inside the fuse box. We told him it was Alan Shepard's space capsule, and that somehow made it work better.
只要我们看见或者听到了脚步的靠近, 最大的哥哥 Steve 将潜入长椅下, 我将躲在游戏室的衣橱里, Gary 会藏在靠窗户的玩具柜里, 这都在我们将 Bruce 关在保险箱之后。 我们还告诉他那是 Alan Shepard (第一位进入太空的美国宇航员)的太空舱, 这样做的效果更好。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
I dare say my father was never fooled by this ruse. And it was only in later years that I began to think perhaps it wasn't a good idea to squeeze a four-year-old up against a panel of old-style, un-screwable high-voltage fuses.
我敢说我父亲从未被这诡计所欺骗。 在之后的几年中我开始思考, 也许欺负一个四岁的孩子, 把他关在一个老式的,摇摇欲坠的 高压保险箱里也许不是个好主意。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
But my brothers and I, even through those unhappy times, came through them, with something that was clear and hard and fine: a primal appreciation for the bond we shared. We were a unit -- a loud, messy brawling, loyal, loving, lasting unit. We felt much stronger that way than we ever could as individuals. And we knew that as our lives went on, we could always be able to call on that strength.
但我和兄弟们还是走过了 那段不开心的时光, 在一种纯洁的,坚固的, 美好的东西的陪伴下: 来自于对我们所共享的 血缘联结的一种本能的感激。 我们是一个集体—— 一个吵闹的,混乱的, 吵闹的,但是忠诚有爱的, 长久的集体。 我们感到了一个人时从未有过的强大。 而且我们知道,在我们的生活中, 我们可以永远信任和依靠这种力量。
We're not alone. Until 15 years ago, scientists didn't really pay much attention to the sibling bond. And with good reason: you have just one mother, you have just one father if you do marriage right, you have one spouse for life. Siblings can claim none of that uniqueness. They're interchangeable, fungible, a kind of household commodity. Parents set up shop and begin stocking their shelves with inventory, the only limitation being sperm, egg and economics.
我们并不孤独。 直到 15 年前, 科学才开始对手足血缘的 这种联结给予更多的关注。 这也情有可原: 你只有一个母亲,只有一个父亲, 如果你嫁对了人, 你一生将只有一个伴侣。 兄弟姐妹感觉没有那么重要。 他们可互换,可被代替, 感觉像是家里的一个物品。 就像父母建了一个商铺, 开始用架子存货一样, 唯一的限制是精子和卵子的 数量和经济状况。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
As long as you can keep breathing, you may as well keep stocking. Now, nature is perfectly happy with that arrangement, because our primal directive here is to get as many of our genes as possible into the next generation.
只要你还能呼吸,你就可以继续储存。 目前,自然对于这种安排十分满意, 因为在自然界,我们原始的使命 就是尽可能多的 将我们的基因传给下一代。
Animals wrestle with these same issues, too, but they have a more straightforward way of dealing with things. A crested penguin that has laid two eggs will take a good look at them and boot the smaller one out of the nest, the better to focus her attentions on the presumably heartier chick in the bigger shell. A black eagle will allow all of her chicks to hatch and then stand back while the bigger ones fight it out with the little ones, typically ripping them to ribbons and then settling back to grow up in peace. Piglets, cute as they are, are born with a strange little outward set of pointing teeth, that they use to jab at one another as they compete for the choicest nursing spots.
动物为了同样的事情相互争斗, 但他们有更加直接的方式 来处理这些问题。 长冠企鹅在产下两个蛋以后 会观察它们, 然后将小一些的从巢中剔除出去, 这样可以更好的将她的精力 放到更大的蛋上。 黑鹰会孵化它所有的幼鸟, 然后站在一边看体型大一些幼鸟 在与小一些的斗争中胜出, 把它们撕成碎片, 之后再回到巢中平安的长大。 小猪们十分可爱, 天生一副奇怪的外凸的牙齿, 在它们竞争哺乳位点的时候 会用牙齿来袭击对方。
The problem for scientists was that this whole idea of siblings as second-class citizens never really seemed to hold up. After the researchers had learned all they could from the relationships in the family, mothers and other relationships, they still came up with some temperamental dark matter that was pulling at us, exerting a gravity all its own. And that could only be our siblings.
对于科学家来说,问题是, 这些将亲兄弟姐妹 看作二级公民的想法 从未被阻止过。 在研究者尽可能研究了 家庭中的关系, 亲兄弟姐妹间的关系, 母亲与其他家庭成员的关系之后, 他们仍发现了一些难以捉摸的 牵扯着我们的暗物质力量, 且自带引力。 那就是来自手足的力量。
Humans are no different from animals. After we are born, we do whatever we can to attract the attention of our parents, determining what our strongest selling points are and marketing them ferociously. Someone's the funny one, someone's the pretty one, someone's the athlete, someone's the smart one. Scientists call this "deidentification." If my older brother is a high-school football player -- which, if you saw my older brother, you'd know he was not -- I could become a high-school football player, too and get at most 50 percent of the applause in my family for doing that. Or, I could become student council president or specialize in the arts and get 100 percent of the attention in that area.
人类和其他动物没有区别。 我们出生以后,就开始尽力 取得父母更多的关注, 来确定我们自身最大的卖点是什么, 然后残忍的营销它们。 有些人搞笑,有些人颜值很高, 有些人是运动健将,有些人很聪明。 科学家将其称为“去身份化”。 假设我的哥哥是个高中足球队员—— 如果你刚才看到照片了, 就知道他不是—— 我也更有可能成为一个高中足球队员, 而且成为足球运动员 可以至少赢得家中 50% 的掌声。 或者我可以成为一名学生会主席, 或在绘画方面有天赋的人, 而且在这个领域得到 家中百分之百的关注。
Sometimes parents contaminate the deidentification process, communicating to their kids subtly or not, that only certain kinds of accomplishments will be applauded in the home. Joe Kennedy was famous for this, making it clear to his nine children that they were expected to compete with one another in athletics and were expected to win, lest they be made to eat in the kitchen with the help, rather than in the dining room with the family. It's no wonder that scrawny second-born Jack Kennedy fought so hard to compete with his fitter firstborn brother, Joe, often at his peril, at one point, engaging in a bicycle race around the house that resulted in a collision costing John 28 stitches. Joe walked away essentially unharmed.
有时候家长会阻碍去身份化的过程, 巧妙或直接的和他的孩子沟通,说, 只有一些特定的成功 可以在家中得到支持。 Joe Kennedy 就是一个典型的例子, 他很明确的跟他的九个孩子说, 希望他们彼此之间 进行体育比赛, 并且要让自己获胜, 而失败的人不能和家人 一起在餐厅就餐, 只能在厨房吃饭,还要帮厨。 怪不得 骨瘦如柴的老二 Jack kennedy 在与他的哥哥,身强体壮的 Joe 竞争时要努力表现, 甚至经常冒着生命危险。 一次,在围绕着屋子的骑车比赛中, 一场严重的碰撞让他挨了 28 针, 而 Joe 毫发无损的走开了。
Parents exacerbate this problem further when they exhibit favoritism, which they do overwhelmingly, no matter how much they admit it. A study I cite in this TIME magazine covering in the book "The Sibling Effect," found 70 percent of fathers and 65 percent of mothers exhibit a preference for at least one child. And keep in mind here -- the keyword is "exhibit." The remaining parents may simply be doing a better job of concealing things.
父母在日后生活中 展示出的自己明显的偏爱 加剧了这个问题, 不论他们承认与否。 我在这一期《时代》周刊中引用的 《手足效应》中的一项研究表明, 70% 的父亲和 65% 的母亲 会展现出他们至少 对一个孩子的偏爱。 注意这个词:展现—— 其他的家长可能 在隐藏方面做得更好一点。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
I like to say that 95 percent of all parents have a favorite, five percent are lying about it. The exception is my wife and me. Honestly, we do not have a favorite.
要我说,95% 的家长 都会有最喜欢的孩子, 5% 的家长会在这个方面说谎。 我和我的妻子是个例外。 坦白讲,我们没有最偏爱的。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
It's not parents' fault that they harbor feelings of favoritism. And here, too, our natural wiring is at work. Firstborns are the first products on the familial assembly line. Parents typically get two years of investing dollars, calories and so many other resources in them, so that by the time the second born comes along, the firstborn is already ... it's what corporations call "sunk costs," you don't want to disinvest in this one and launch the R&D on the new product.
存在偏爱的感觉不是父母的错。 这源于我们天然的联结。 第一个出生,就意味着 家庭生产线上的第一批产品。 父母会花几乎两年的时间 在他们身上投入资金,食物, 和其他一些资源, 所以当老二出生的时候, 第一个出生的孩子已经成为了 商业领域所谓的“沉没成本”, 你已经没法从这个孩子身上“撤资”, 再重新投入新一轮的研发。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
So what we begin to do is say, "I'm going to lean to the Mac OS X and let the Mac OS XI come out in a couple of years." So we tend to lean in that direction.
就好比我们会先研发 Mac OS 10 系统作为铺垫, 几年后再过渡到 Mac OS 11, 而无法直接跳跃到 11。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
But there are other forces at work, too. One of the same studies I looked at both here and in the book found that, improbably, the most common favorite for a father is the last-born daughter. The most common favorite for a mother is the firstborn son. Now, this isn't Oedipal; never mind what the Freudians would have told us a hundred years ago. And it's not just that fathers are habitually wrapped around the fingers of their little girls, though I can tell you that, as the father of two girls, that part definitely plays a role. Rather, there is a certain reproductive narcissism at work. Your opposite-gender kids can never resemble you exactly. But if somehow they can resemble you temperamentally, you'll love them all the more. As the result, the father who is a businessman will just melt at the idea of his MBA daughter with a tough-as-nails worldview. The mother who is a sensitive type will go gooey over her son the poet.
但也有其他的因素造成了这种现象。 我在杂志和书中 探讨的同一个研究表示, 父亲普遍喜欢最后一个出生的女孩, 也可能不是这样。 母亲普遍喜欢第一个出生的儿子。 这不是恋母情结,别管弗洛伊德学派 在一百年前告诉我们的那些。 不仅仅是父亲会习惯性的 绕着他们的小女儿, 尽管作为一个两个女孩的父亲, 我可以告诉各位, 这很重要。 当然这其中也有部分自恋在作祟。 与你性别相反的孩子 永远不能完全像你。 但是如果某种程度上 他们可以暂时的像你。 你会更爱他们的。 结论是,一个商人父亲会 灌输给他学习 MBA 的女儿 一种努力的世界观, 敏感的妈妈则会粘着她的诗人儿子。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Birth order, another topic I covered for TIME, and another topic I cover in the book, plays out in other ways as well. Long before scientists began looking at this, parents noticed that there are certain temperamental templates associated with all birth rankings: the serious, striving firstborn; the caught-in-a-thicket's middle born; the wild child of a last born. And once again, when science did crack this field, they found out mom and dad are right.
出生顺序,另一个我在时代杂志 和书中都提到过的话题, 还呈现出了其他一些现象。 在科学家开始研究这个话题以前, 家长就发现了一些关于出生顺序的 让人哭笑不得的规律: 认真的、奋斗的长子, 像是丛林中捡来的二儿子, 野蛮生长的小儿子, 再次强调,当科学家 开始研究这个领域以后, 他们发现家长的发现竟然是正确的。
Firstborns across history have tended to be bigger and healthier than later borns, in part, because of the head start they got on food in an area in which it could be scarce. Firstborns are also vaccinated more reliably and tend to have more follow-up visits to doctors when they get sick. And this pattern continues today. This IQ question is, sadly -- I can say this as a second-born -- a very real thing. Firstborns have a three-point IQ advantage over second borns and second borns have a 1.5 IQ advantage over later borns, partly because of the exclusive attention firstborns get from mom and dad, and partly because they get a chance to mentor the younger kids. All of this explains why firstborns are likelier to be CEOs, they are likelier to be senators, they are likelier to be astronauts, and they are likelier to earn more than other kids are.
历史数据显示,第一个出生的孩子 一般比后面出生的孩子 更加高大健康, 部分原因是他们是第一个获得 稀缺资源的人。 第一个出生的孩子 接种的疫苗更加有保障, 生病时及时就医和随访的 可能性也更大。 这种模式延续至今。 在智商方面的差异—— 作为一家老二,我不得不遗憾的承认—— 是真的存在的。 第一个出生的孩子的智商 比第二个平均高出 3%, 第二个出生的比 下一个出生的平均高出 1.5 %, 部分是因为第一个出生的孩子 得到了父母额外的关注, 另一部分原因是他们有机会 辅导更年幼的孩子。 所有这些都解释了为什么 第一个出生的孩子更有可能成为 CEO, 政客参议员, 宇航员, 也更有可能比其他孩子有更高的收入。
Last borns come into the world with a whole different set of challenges. The smallest and weakest cubs in the den, they're at the greatest risk of getting eaten alive, so they have to develop what are called "low-power skills" -- the ability to charm and disarm, to intuit what's going on in someone else's head, the better to duck the punch before it lands.
最后一个出生的孩子 则面临着完全不同的挑战。 巢穴中最小最弱的幼仔 很可能被手足活活吃掉, 所以他们拥有一种 叫做“弱势者技巧”的能力—— 可以吸引他人或缓和关系, 凭直觉知道别人脑子里在想什么, 把坏想法扼杀在摇篮里。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
They're also flat-out funnier, which is another thing that comes in handy, because a person who's making you laugh is a very hard person to slug.
他们也更幽默, 这是另一种有效的策略, 因为你总不能羞辱 一个让你开怀大笑的人。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
It's perhaps no coincidence that over the course of history, some of our greatest satirists -- Swift, Twain, Voltaire, Colbert --
这也许不是巧合,在历史的长河中, 许多伟大的讽刺小说家—— 乔纳森·斯威夫特 (英国讽刺文学大师,著有《格列弗游记》), 马克·吐温 (美国幽默大师,小说家), 伏尔泰 (法国启蒙时代思想家及运动领袖), 斯蒂芬·科尔伯特 (美国电视节目主持人和喜剧演员)——
(Laughter)
(笑声)
are either the last borns or among the last in very large families.
要么是家里最后出生的, 要么是一个大家庭中 较晚出生的孩子。
Most middle borns don't get quite as sweet a deal. I think of us as the flyover states. We are --
很多排名在中间的孩子 并不能达到那样的成功, 我们处于一种承上启下的位置。 我们——
(Laughter)
(笑声)
we're the ones who fight harder for recognition in the home. We're the ones who are always raising our hands while someone else at the table is getting called on. We're the ones who tend to take a little longer to find their direction in life. And there can be self-esteem issues associated with that, notwithstanding the fact that I've been asked to do TED, so I feel much better about these things right now.
我们是家中更努力的 想要获得认可的人。 在其他孩子被家长点名时, 我们是家中最积极回应 家长提问的人。 我们是那种可能要花更多的时间 来明确人生方向的人。 这也与自尊有关, 尽管如此, 我还是 被 TED 邀请来做演讲, 所以我现在感觉好多了。
(Laughter)
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But the upside for middle borns is that they also tend to develop denser and richer relationships outside the home. But that advantage comes also from something of a disadvantage, simply because their needs weren't met as well in the home.
对于排行中间的孩子来说, 这些情况反而有助于 让他们在家庭外发展 更加丰富的人脉关系。 但这当然也是有利有弊的, 主要源于他们在家中 没有得到他们想要的关注。
The feuds in the playroom that play out over favoritism, birth order and so many other issues are as unrelenting as they seem. In one study I cite in the book, children in the two-to-four age group engage in one fight every 6.3 minutes, or 9.5 fights an hour. That's not fighting -- that's performance art.
在游戏室的争斗中体现出了 家庭中的喜爱偏好, 出生顺序和其他很多因素 就像它们看起来那样无情。 我在这本书中引用的一个研究表示, 在 2 到 4 岁的儿童群体中, 打架每 6.3 分钟就会发生一次, 或者一小时 9.5 次。 这不是打架,这是表演艺术。
(Laughter)
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That's extraordinary.
这真的很机智。
One reason for this is that there are a lot more people in your home than you think there are, or at least a lot more relationships. Every person in your house has a discrete one-on-one relationship with every other person, and those pairings or dyads add up fast. In a family with two parents and two kids, there are six dyads: Mom has a relationship with child A and B, Dad has a relationship with child A and B. There's the marital relationship, and there is the relationship between the kids themselves. The formula for this looks very chilly but it's real. K equals the number of people in your household, and X equals the number of dyads. In a five-person family, there are ten discrete dyads. The eight-person Brady Bunch -- never mind the sweetness here -- there were 28 dyads in that family. The original Kennedy family with nine kids had 55 different relationships. And Bobby Kennedy, who grew up to have 11 children of his own, had a household with a whopping 91 dyads. This overpopulation of relationships makes fights unavoidable.
其中一个原因是你的家庭人口 比你想象的要多, 或至少有很多的人际关系存在。 每个人在家中都与另一个人 建立了一种一对一的独立关系, 而且这种配对关系增加得很快。 在一个一对夫妻两个孩子的家庭中 存在六对这种关系: 妈妈与孩子 A 和孩子 B 有关系, 爸爸与孩子 A 和孩子 B 也有关系。 还有父母的婚姻关系, 以及两个孩子间的关系。 这种算法看起来很没有人情味, 但是却很真实。 K 表示家庭中成员的数量, X 表示这种配对关系的数量。 在一个五口之家中, 存在 10 对这种关系。 在 Brady Bunch 的八口之家中 ——先不考虑剧情—— 有 28 对配对关系。 在 Kennedy 有九个孩子的 原生家庭中有 55 对。 Bobby Kennedy 在他自己组成的 有 11 个孩子的家庭中, 有 91 对这种关系。 多余家庭成员数量的关系 让这种争斗无法避免。
And far and away the biggest trigger for all sibling fights is property. Studies have found that over 95 percent of the fights among small children concern somebody touching, playing with, looking at the other person's stuff.
而对所有兄弟姐妹来说, 争斗最大的诱因就是财产。 研究发现,小孩子打架,95% 的原因 是有人或者摸了、玩了, 或者盯着别人的东西
(Laughter)
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This in its own way is healthy if it's very noisy, and the reason is that small children come into the world with absolutely no control. They are utterly helpless. The only way they have of projecting their very limited power is through the objects they can call their own. When somebody crosses that very erasable line, they're going to go nuts, and that's what happens.
如果他们为这吵闹, 这本身是很正常的, 因为小孩子来到这个世界上时 是完全没有控制权的。 他们极度的无助。 他们唯一能展现 自己有限能力的办法, 就是通过对他们的所有物宣誓主权。 当有人越过了那个脆弱的界限, 他们就抓狂了,这就是原因。
Another very common casus belli among children is the idea of fairness, as any parent who hears 14 times a day, "But that's unfair!" can tell you. In a way this is good, too, though. Kids are born with a very innate sense of right and wrong, of a fair deal versus an unfair one, and this teaches them powerful lessons. Do you want to know how powerfully encoded fairness is in the human genome? We process that phenomenon through the same lobe in our brain that processes disgust, meaning we react to the idea of somebody being cheated the same way we react to putrefied meat.
另一个常见的 引起争斗的原因是公平, 每天都会听到 14 次 "这不公平!"的家长们 都会同意。 某种意义上讲这是好事情, 孩子天生有着非常幼稚的是非观, 认为公平的反义词就是不公平, 这也给他们上了至关重要的一课。 你想知道在人类基因组中 编码公平性的基因有多强大吗? 我们通过追踪 大脑中处理厌恶的 同一个脑叶研究了这一过程, 结果显示,我们对于被欺骗的反应 与面对腐烂的肉的反应是一样的。
(Laughter)
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Any wonder that this fellow, Bernie Madoff, is unpopular?
难怪 Bernie Madoff 这个家伙不受欢迎。
All of these dramas played out day to day, moment to moment, serve as a real-time, total-immersion exercise for life. Siblings teach each other conflict avoidance and conflict resolution, when to stand up for themselves, when to stand down; they learn love, loyalty, honesty, sharing, caring, compromise, the disclosure of secrets and much more important, the keeping of confidences.
这种情景每时每刻都在发生, 一天又一天, 成为了生活中实时的、 全方位的沉浸式日常。 手足教会了彼此如何避免和解决争斗, 什么时候为自己站出来。 什么时候放弃; 他们学会了爱, 忠诚,诚实,分享,关心,妥协, 倾诉秘密,更重要的是, 保持自信。
I listen to my young daughters -- aren’t they adorable? -- I listen to my young daughters talking late into the night, the same way my parents, no doubt, listened to my brothers and me talking, and sometimes I intervene, but usually I don't. They're part of a conversation I am not part of, nobody else in the world is part of, and it's a conversation that can and should go on for the rest of their lives. From this will come a sense of constancy, a sense of having a permanent traveling companion, somebody with whom they road-tested life before they ever had to get out and travel it on their own.
我听到了女儿们的对话—— 她们难道不可爱吗? 我听到她们晚上聊到很晚, 就像我的父母曾经倾听 我和哥哥聊天一样, 有时我会打断,但通常我不会这么做。 有一部分对话我不在其中, 世界上没有人在其中, 而这个对话应该在他们一生中 一直继续下去。 由此而来的是一种持之以恒的感觉, 一种拥有了永久伴侣的感觉, 以及在他们独自开始人生旅程之前, 能够陪他们一起探路的人。
Brothers and sisters aren't the sine qua non of a happy life; plenty of adult sibling relationships are fatally broken and need to be abandoned for the sanity of everybody involved. And only-children, throughout history, have shown themselves to be creatively, brilliantly capable of getting their socialization and comradeship skills through friends, through cousins, through classmates. But having siblings and not making the most of those bonds is, I believe, folly of the first order. If relationships are broken and are fixable, fix them. If they work, make them even better. Failing to do so is a little like having a thousand acres of fertile farmland and never planting it. Yes, you can always get your food at the supermarket, but think what you're allowing to lie fallow. Life is short, it's finite, and it plays for keeps. Siblings may be among the richest harvests of the time we have here.
兄弟姐妹不是生活幸福的必要条件; 很多成年人与他们手足的关系 已经破裂到无法挽回的程度, 所以这些人都理智的 抛弃了这种关系。 纵观历史,只有孩子们 有足够的创造力和聪慧 能够通过朋友,堂兄弟姐妹和同学 来获得他们社会化和 同伴间友爱的能力。 但我认为,有兄弟姐妹却没有很好的 利用这种关系的人是很愚蠢。 如果一种关系破裂了 但是可以修补,那就去挽回。 如果这有用,那就让 这一关系发挥更大的作用。 不这样做就像是 拥有几平方公里肥沃的土地, 却从不耕种它。 没错,你随时可以从超市买到食物, 但是想想你闲置的土地吧。 生命是短暂的,有限的, 从不为谁停留。 手足之情也许是 我们这一生最大的收获。
Thank you.
谢谢。
(Applause)
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