TED has already persuaded me to change my life in one small way, by persuading me to change the opening of my speech. I love this idea of engagement. So, when you leave here today, I'm going to ask you to engage or re-engage with some of the most important people in your lives: your brothers and sisters. It can be a profoundly life-affirming thing to do, even if it isn't always easy.
TED me je već ubedio da, na jedan mali način, promenim svoj život tako što me je naveo da promenim uvod svog govora. Volim ovu ideju angažovanja. Stoga, kada danas odete odavde, tražim od vas da se povežete ili ponovo povežete sa nekim od najvažnijih ljudi u vašim životima: vašom braćom i sestrama. To može značajno da unapredi kvalitet vašeg života, čak iako nije uvek lako uraditi.
This is a man named Elliot, for whom things were very difficult. Elliot was a drunk. He spent most of his life battling alcoholism, depression, morphine addiction, and that life ended when he was just 34 years old. What made things harder for Elliot is that his last name was Roosevelt. And he could never quite get past the comparisons with his big brother Teddy, for whom things always seemed to come a little bit easier.
Za ovog čoveka, Eliota, život je bio veoma težak. Eliot je bio pijanica. Proveo je većinu svog života boreći se sa alkoholizmom, depresijom, ovisnošću o morfijumu, i taj život je završio kada je imao samo 34 godine. Ono što je stvari činilo težim za Eliota jeste što je njegovo prezime bilo Ruzvelt. Nikada nije mogao u potpunosti da prevaziđe poređenja sa svojim starijim bratom Tedijem, za koga se činilo da stvari uvek teku mnogo lakše.
It wasn't easy being Bobby, either. He was also the sibling of a president. But he adored his brother, Jack. He fought for him, he worked for him. And when Jack died, he bled for him, too. In the years that followed, Bobby would smile, but it seemed labored. He'd lose himself in his work, but it seemed tortured. Bobby's own death, so similar to John's, seems somehow fitting. John Kennedy was robbed of his young life; Bobby seemed almost to have been relieved of his.
Život nije bio lak ni za Bobija. On je takođe bio brat predsednika. Međutim, on je obožavao svog brata Džeka. Borio se za njega, radio je za njega. A kada je Džek umro i krvario je za njega. Tokom sledećih godina, Bobi bi se smešio ali sa naporom. Pokušao bi da se izgubi u poslu, ali je izgledalo mučno. Bobijeva smrt, toliko slična Džonovoj, izgledala je nekako primereno. Džon Kenedi bio je uskraćen svog mladalačkog života; Bobi skoro da je bio oslobođen svog.
There may be no relationship that effects us more profoundly, that's closer, finer, harder, sweeter, happier, sadder, more filled with joy or fraught with woe than the relationship we have with our brothers and sisters. There's power in the sibling bond. There's pageantry. There's petulance, too, as when Neil Bush, sibling of both a president and a governor, famously griped, "I've lost patience for being compared to my older brothers," as if Jeb and George W were somehow responsible for the savings and loan scandal and the messy divorce that marked Neil in the public eye.
Možda ne postoji odnos koji na nas više utiče, koji je bliži, lepši, čvršći, slađi, srećniji, tužniji, ispunjeniji sa radošću ili jadom nego što je odnos koji imamo sa našom braćom i sestrama. Veza između nas i našeg brata ili sestre ima moć. Tu je raskoš, kao i drskost. Kao što se Nil Buš, brat predsednika i guvernera, javno žalio: „Dosta mi je da me upoređuju sa mojom starijom braćom.“ Kao da su Džeb i Džordž V bili na neki način odgovorni za skandal o štednji i zajmu ili za buran razvod koja je obeležila Nila u očima javnosti.
But more important than all of these things, the sibling bond can be a thing of abiding love. Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come along too late. Our siblings are the only ones who are with us for the entire ride. Over the arc of decades, there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our sisters and brothers. It was true for me, it's true for your children and if you have siblings, it's true for you, too.
Ali ono što je bitnije od svih ovih stvari je to što veza između srodnika može biti puna bezvremenske ljubavi. Naši roditelji nas prerano napuštaju, naši supružnici i deca prekasno dođu. Naša braća i sestre su jedini koji su sa nama tokom celog života. Decenijama nije postojalo ništa što bi nas moglo definisati i oblikovati snažnije od odnosa sa našim sestrama i braćom. To je bila istina za mene, to je istina za vašu decu, a ukoliko imate brata ili sestru, istina je i za vas.
This picture was taken when Steve, on the left, was eight years old. I was six, our brother Gary was five and my brother Bruce was four. I will not say what year it was taken. It was not this year.
Na ovoj fotografiji Stiv, skroz levo, imao je osam godina. Ja sam imao šest, naš brat Geri pet, i moj brat Brus četiri godine. Neću vam reći koje godine je uslikana. Nije bilo ove godine.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I open my new book, "The Sibling Effect," on a Saturday morning, not long before this picture was taken, when the three older brothers decided that it might be a very good idea to lock the younger brother in a fuse cabinet in our playroom.
Prvo poglavlje moje knjige, „Efekat srodstva“, počinje u subotu ujutro, ne puno pre nego što je ova fotografija nastala, kada su tri starija brata odlučila da bi bila sjajna ideja da zaključaju mlađeg brata u kutiju sa osiguračima u našoj sobi za igru.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
We were, believe it or not, trying to keep him safe.
Pokušavali smo, verovali ili ne, da ga održimo bezbednim.
Our father was a hotheaded man, somebody who didn't take kindly to being disturbed on Saturday mornings. I don't know what he thought his life would be like on Saturday mornings when he had four sons, ages four years old or younger when the youngest one was born, but they weren't quiet. He did not take to that well. And he would react to being disturbed on a Saturday morning by stalking into the playroom and administering a very freewheeling form of a corporal punishment, lashing out at whoever was within arms' reach. We were by no means battered children but we did get hit, and we found it terrifying.
Naš otac je bio temperamentan čovek, neko ko nije voleo da ga uznemiravaju subotom ujutro. Ne znam šta je zamišljao kakav će njegov život biti subotom ujutro kada je imao četiri sina među kojima je najveća razlika bila četiri godine, ali ona nisu bila tiha. Nije to dobro prihvatio, te bi on reagovao na ta jutarnja uznemiravanja tako što bi umarširao u sobu i sproveo veoma razuzdan oblik telesnog kažnjavanja, udarajući svakoga ko mu je bio na dohvat ruke. Nismo bili mlaćena deca, ali bismo ponekad dobili batine što bi nas prestrašilo.
So we devised a sort of scatter-and-hide drill.
Stoga smo smislili neku vrstu „beži ko gde stigne“ vežbe.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
As soon as we saw or heard the footsteps coming, Steve, the oldest, would wriggle under the couch, I would dive into the closet in the playroom, Gary would dive into a window-seat toy chest, but not before we closed Bruce inside the fuse box. We told him it was Alan Shepard's space capsule, and that somehow made it work better.
Čim bismo videli ili čuli korake kako se približavaju Stiv, najstariji, bi se zavukao ispod kauča, ja bih uleteo u ormar, Geri bi uronio u kovčeg za igračke, ali ne pre nego što bismo zatvorili Brusa u kutiju sa osiguračima. Rekli smo mu da je to svemirska kapsula Alana Šeparda što je koliko toliko olakšalo stvar.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I dare say my father was never fooled by this ruse. And it was only in later years that I began to think perhaps it wasn't a good idea to squeeze a four-year-old up against a panel of old-style, un-screwable high-voltage fuses.
Usuđujem se da kažem da otac nikada nije naseo na ovaj trik. Par godina kasnije sam shvatio kako verovatno nije bila dobra ideja ugurati četvorogodišnjaka pored starinske table sa nezavrnutim, visokonaponskim osiguračima.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But my brothers and I, even through those unhappy times, came through them, with something that was clear and hard and fine: a primal appreciation for the bond we shared. We were a unit -- a loud, messy brawling, loyal, loving, lasting unit. We felt much stronger that way than we ever could as individuals. And we knew that as our lives went on, we could always be able to call on that strength.
Ali moja braća i ja smo, čak i ta nesrećna vremena, uspeli da pregrmimo, i izađemo sa nečim što je bilo jasnije, snažnije i lepše: onim prvobitnim cenjenjem veze koju smo delili. Bili smo odred - glasan, prljav, stalno spreman za svađu, lojalan, pun ljubavi, trajan odred. Tako smo se osećali mnogo snažnije nego što bismo se ikada osećali kao pojedinci. Znali smo da ćemo se, kako naši životi budu odmicali, uvek moći osloniti na tu snagu.
We're not alone. Until 15 years ago, scientists didn't really pay much attention to the sibling bond. And with good reason: you have just one mother, you have just one father if you do marriage right, you have one spouse for life. Siblings can claim none of that uniqueness. They're interchangeable, fungible, a kind of household commodity. Parents set up shop and begin stocking their shelves with inventory, the only limitation being sperm, egg and economics.
Nismo bili sami. Do pre 15 godina, naučnici nisu obraćali puno pažnje na vezu između srodnika. I to sa dobrim razlogom: imate samo jednu majku, imate samo jednog oca, a ako se venčate kako treba, imate i samo jednog supružnika u životu. Srodnici nemaju nijednu od tih jedinstvenosti. Oni su promenjiva, zamenjiva vrsta domaćinstva. Roditelji otvaraju radnju i započinju skladištenje polica sa inventarom, gde jedini limit čine spermatozoidi, jajne ćelije i ekonomija.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
As long as you can keep breathing, you may as well keep stocking. Now, nature is perfectly happy with that arrangement, because our primal directive here is to get as many of our genes as possible into the next generation.
Dokle god dišete, možete da skladištite. Priroda je savršeno zadovoljna tim aranžmanom, jer je naša primitivna uloga da prosledimo što je više moguće gena sledećoj generaciji.
Animals wrestle with these same issues, too, but they have a more straightforward way of dealing with things. A crested penguin that has laid two eggs will take a good look at them and boot the smaller one out of the nest, the better to focus her attentions on the presumably heartier chick in the bigger shell. A black eagle will allow all of her chicks to hatch and then stand back while the bigger ones fight it out with the little ones, typically ripping them to ribbons and then settling back to grow up in peace. Piglets, cute as they are, are born with a strange little outward set of pointing teeth, that they use to jab at one another as they compete for the choicest nursing spots.
Životinje se takođe bore sa ovim istim problemima, ali one imaju direktniji način da se izbore sa njima. Snerski pingvin koji je polegao dva jajeta će ih dobro pogledati i izbaciti manje iz gnezda, kako bi se bolje fokusirala na, po svoj prilici, jače mladunče koje je u većoj ljuski. Crni orao će pustit sve svoje ptiće da se izlegnu, pa će se udaljiti dok oni veći ne pobede one manje, najčešće kidajući ih na komadiće, te se onda vratiti nazad i odgojiti ih u miru. Prasići, koliko god da su slatki, su rođeni sa malom grupom čudnih zuba koji štrče napolje, a koje koriste da ubadaju jedni druge dok se takmiče za najbolje mesto za sisanje.
The problem for scientists was that this whole idea of siblings as second-class citizens never really seemed to hold up. After the researchers had learned all they could from the relationships in the family, mothers and other relationships, they still came up with some temperamental dark matter that was pulling at us, exerting a gravity all its own. And that could only be our siblings.
Problem za naučnike je što cela ova ideja srodnika kao drugorazrednih građana nikada nije zaista opstala. Nakon što su naučnici naučili sve što su mogli o odnosima u porodici, majkama i drugim odnosima, i dalje bi dolazili do shvatanja neke temperamentne mračne materije koja bi nas privlačila, isijavajući gravitaciju sama po sebi, a koja su mogli biti samo naša braća i sestre.
Humans are no different from animals. After we are born, we do whatever we can to attract the attention of our parents, determining what our strongest selling points are and marketing them ferociously. Someone's the funny one, someone's the pretty one, someone's the athlete, someone's the smart one. Scientists call this "deidentification." If my older brother is a high-school football player -- which, if you saw my older brother, you'd know he was not -- I could become a high-school football player, too and get at most 50 percent of the applause in my family for doing that. Or, I could become student council president or specialize in the arts and get 100 percent of the attention in that area.
Ljudi nisu drugačiji od životinja. Nakon što se rodimo, radimo sve što možemo kako bismo privukli pažnju naših roditelja, utvrđujući koje naše odlike bi se najbolje prodale i svesno ih reklamirajući. Neko je smešan, neko je lep, neko je sportski tip, neko je pametan. Naučnici ovo zovu „deidentifikacijom.“ Da je moj stariji brat igrao fudbal u srednjoj školi - što biste, da ste ga videli, znali da nije - mogao sam i ja da počnem da igram fudbal u srednjoj, i za to bih dobio upola manje priznanja u porodici. Ili bih mogao da postanem predsednik učeničkog saveta ili da se specijalizujem za umetnost i dobijem potpuno priznanje u toj oblasti.
Sometimes parents contaminate the deidentification process, communicating to their kids subtly or not, that only certain kinds of accomplishments will be applauded in the home. Joe Kennedy was famous for this, making it clear to his nine children that they were expected to compete with one another in athletics and were expected to win, lest they be made to eat in the kitchen with the help, rather than in the dining room with the family. It's no wonder that scrawny second-born Jack Kennedy fought so hard to compete with his fitter firstborn brother, Joe, often at his peril, at one point, engaging in a bicycle race around the house that resulted in a collision costing John 28 stitches. Joe walked away essentially unharmed.
Ponekad roditelji kvare proces deidentifikacije, komunicirajući sa svojom decom manje ili više suptilno da će samo određena vrsta dostignuća biti priznata kući. Džo Kenedi je bio poznat po ovome, čineći da njegovo devetoro dece jasno shvate da se od njih očekuje da se takmiče u atletici jedno sa drugim kao i da se očekuje da pobede, kako ne bi morali da jedu u kuhinji sa poslugom, umesto u trpezariji sa porodicom. Nije ni čudo da se mršavi, drugorođeni Džek Kenedi toliko jako borio da pobedi svog sposobnijeg, provorođenog brata Džoa često rizikujući sebe. Jednom prilikom, trkali su se biciklima oko kuće što se završilo sudarom koji je koštao Džona 28 šavova. Džo je prošao nepovređeno.
Parents exacerbate this problem further when they exhibit favoritism, which they do overwhelmingly, no matter how much they admit it. A study I cite in this TIME magazine covering in the book "The Sibling Effect," found 70 percent of fathers and 65 percent of mothers exhibit a preference for at least one child. And keep in mind here -- the keyword is "exhibit." The remaining parents may simply be doing a better job of concealing things.
Roditelji dalje pogoršavaju ovaj problem kada jasno favorizuju, što rade preterano, bez obzira koliko to ne priznaju. Proučavanje koje sam citirao u ovom Tajm magazinu, a koje sam pokrio u mojoj knjizi je otkrilo da 70 procenata očeva i 65 procenata majki jasno pokazuje da više voli jedno od dece. I imajte u vidu - ključna reč ovde je "pokazuje". Ostali roditelji možda jednostavno bolje prikrivaju stvari.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I like to say that 95 percent of all parents have a favorite, five percent are lying about it. The exception is my wife and me. Honestly, we do not have a favorite.
Ja više volim da kažem kako 95 odsto svih roditelja imaju miljenika, 5 posto laže o tome. Izuzetak smo moja supruga i ja. Zaista. Mi nemamo miljenika.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
It's not parents' fault that they harbor feelings of favoritism. And here, too, our natural wiring is at work. Firstborns are the first products on the familial assembly line. Parents typically get two years of investing dollars, calories and so many other resources in them, so that by the time the second born comes along, the firstborn is already ... it's what corporations call "sunk costs," you don't want to disinvest in this one and launch the R&D on the new product.
Nije greška roditelja da gaje ovakva osećanja. Ovo je nama takođe prirodno usađeno. Prvorođenci su prvi proizvod porodičnog niza. Roditelji najčešće prođu bar dve godine investiranja para, kalorija i svih drugih resursa u njih, stoga kada se rodi drugo dete, prvorođenče je već... to je ono što korporacije nazivaju „potrošna roba”, pa ne želite toliko da ulažete u ovo drugo te eksperimentišete sa ovim novim proizvodom.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So what we begin to do is say, "I'm going to lean to the Mac OS X and let the Mac OS XI come out in a couple of years." So we tend to lean in that direction.
Ono što mi počnemo da razmišljamo je: „Oslonićemo se na Mekov OS X i pustićemo da se Mekov operativni sistem XI razvije za par godina.” Mi naginjemo ka tom smeru.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But there are other forces at work, too. One of the same studies I looked at both here and in the book found that, improbably, the most common favorite for a father is the last-born daughter. The most common favorite for a mother is the firstborn son. Now, this isn't Oedipal; never mind what the Freudians would have told us a hundred years ago. And it's not just that fathers are habitually wrapped around the fingers of their little girls, though I can tell you that, as the father of two girls, that part definitely plays a role. Rather, there is a certain reproductive narcissism at work. Your opposite-gender kids can never resemble you exactly. But if somehow they can resemble you temperamentally, you'll love them all the more. As the result, the father who is a businessman will just melt at the idea of his MBA daughter with a tough-as-nails worldview. The mother who is a sensitive type will go gooey over her son the poet.
Ali tu su takođe i drugi uticaji. Jedan od slučajeva koje sam proučavao i ovde i u knjizi je zaključio nepogrešivo, da je najčešći miljenik oca njegova najmlađa ćerka. Najčešći miljenik majke je njen prvorođeni sin. Ovo nije Edipov kompleks, bez obzira šta bi nam frojdovci rekli pre sto godina. I nije da se očevi prirodno vrte oko malih prstiju svojih devojčica iako vam mogu reći da, kao otac dve ćerke, taj deo definitivno radi svoje. Radije bi rekli da je prisutno postojanje određenog reproduktivnog narcizma. Vaša deca koja nisu istog pola kao i vi nikada neće moći u potpunosti da liče na vas. Međutim, ukoliko imate slične temperamente više ćete ih voleti. Kao posledicu, otac preduzetnik će se istopiti pri pomisli na njegovu ćerku sa masterom iz poslovnih nauka koja ima čvrst pogled na svet. Majka koja je osetljivija će se raspekmeziti zbog svog sina pesnika.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Birth order, another topic I covered for TIME, and another topic I cover in the book, plays out in other ways as well. Long before scientists began looking at this, parents noticed that there are certain temperamental templates associated with all birth rankings: the serious, striving firstborn; the caught-in-a-thicket's middle born; the wild child of a last born. And once again, when science did crack this field, they found out mom and dad are right.
Red rođenja, druga tema koju sam pokrio u časopisu Tajm kao i jedna od tema koju sam pokrio u knjizi, se ispoljava i na druge načine. Mnogo pre nego što su naučnici počeli da obraćaju pažnju na ovo, roditelji su primetili da postoji određeni šablon naravi koji se vezuje za decu rođenu određenim redom: ozbiljni, ustremljeni prvorođenci; zaglavljeni-u-sredini ili srednja deca; i divlje dete kao najmlađi. I ovaj put, kada je nauka proučila ovo polje, otkrili su da su mame i tate u pravu.
Firstborns across history have tended to be bigger and healthier than later borns, in part, because of the head start they got on food in an area in which it could be scarce. Firstborns are also vaccinated more reliably and tend to have more follow-up visits to doctors when they get sick. And this pattern continues today. This IQ question is, sadly -- I can say this as a second-born -- a very real thing. Firstborns have a three-point IQ advantage over second borns and second borns have a 1.5 IQ advantage over later borns, partly because of the exclusive attention firstborns get from mom and dad, and partly because they get a chance to mentor the younger kids. All of this explains why firstborns are likelier to be CEOs, they are likelier to be senators, they are likelier to be astronauts, and they are likelier to earn more than other kids are.
Prvorođenci su tokom istorije nastojali da budu veći i zdraviji od onih kasnije rođenih, delimično zato što su imali prednost nad hranom tamo gde bi postojala nestašica hrane. Prvorođenci su takođe uredno vakcinisani i češće odlaze kod lekara kada se razbole. Ovaj šablon se nastavlja i danas. Pitanje nivoa inteligencije je, nažalost - i ovo kažem kao drugorođeni - istina. Prvorođeni imaju inteligenciju veću za 3 boda u odnosu na drugorođene dok drugorođeni imaju inteligenciju veću za bod i po u odnosu na one kasnije rođene delimično zbog sve te pažnje koju prvorođeni dobijaju od mame i tate, a delimično zato što imaju priliku da podučavaju mlađu decu. Sve ovo objašnjava zašto je verovatnije da prvorođeni postanu direktori kompanija, senatori, astronauti, kao i da zarađuju više od ostale dece.
Last borns come into the world with a whole different set of challenges. The smallest and weakest cubs in the den, they're at the greatest risk of getting eaten alive, so they have to develop what are called "low-power skills" -- the ability to charm and disarm, to intuit what's going on in someone else's head, the better to duck the punch before it lands.
Najmlađa deca dolaze na svet sa skroz drugačijim spletom poteškoća. Najmanja i najslabija mladunčad u jazbini imaju najveću šansu da budu živi pojedeni, stoga moraju da razviju ono što zovemo „veštine slabijih” - sposobnost da očaraju i razoružaju, da predosete šta se odvija u nečijoj glavi, da je bolje da spreče nego da leče.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
They're also flat-out funnier, which is another thing that comes in handy, because a person who's making you laugh is a very hard person to slug.
Oni su takođe, bez sumnje, zabavniji što je još jedna stvar koja im koristi, zato što je osobu koja vas zasmejava mnogo teže mučiti.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
It's perhaps no coincidence that over the course of history, some of our greatest satirists -- Swift, Twain, Voltaire, Colbert --
Verovatno nije slučajnost da su tokom istorije neki od naših najvećih satiričara - Svift, Tvejn, Volter, Kolber -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
are either the last borns or among the last in very large families.
bili ili poslednji rođeni ili jedni od poslednjih u veoma velikim porodicama.
Most middle borns don't get quite as sweet a deal. I think of us as the flyover states. We are --
Većina srednje dece ne dobije ni blizu tako dobre ponude. Razmišljam o nama kao o usputnim stanicama. Mi smo -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
we're the ones who fight harder for recognition in the home. We're the ones who are always raising our hands while someone else at the table is getting called on. We're the ones who tend to take a little longer to find their direction in life. And there can be self-esteem issues associated with that, notwithstanding the fact that I've been asked to do TED, so I feel much better about these things right now.
mi smo oni koji se u kući najviše bore za priznanja. Mi smo oni koji se stalno javljaju kada se neko drugi proziva. Mi smo oni kojima treba malo više vremena da pronađu svoj put u životu. Postoje problemi sa samopouzdanjem koji mogu biti povezani sa tim, doduše, pozvan sam da održim TED govor pa se sada osećam mnogo bolje po pitanju tih stvari.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But the upside for middle borns is that they also tend to develop denser and richer relationships outside the home. But that advantage comes also from something of a disadvantage, simply because their needs weren't met as well in the home.
Ali dobra stvar za srednju decu je to što teže da razviju jače i bogatije odnose van kuće. Ali ta prednost takođe proizilazi iz neke vrste nedostatka, prosto zato što njihove potrebe nisu potpuno ispunjene kod kuće.
The feuds in the playroom that play out over favoritism, birth order and so many other issues are as unrelenting as they seem. In one study I cite in the book, children in the two-to-four age group engage in one fight every 6.3 minutes, or 9.5 fights an hour. That's not fighting -- that's performance art.
Svađe u sobi za igranje koje su se vodile oko toga ko je više voljen, redosleda rođenja i mnogo drugih problema su nepokolebljive koliko se i čine. U jednom proučavanju koje sam naveo u knjizi, deca uzrasta između dve i četiri godine bi se posvađala svakih 6,3 minuta, što bi iznosilo devet i po svađa za sat vremena. To nije svađanje - to je izvedba.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
That's extraordinary.
To je neverovatno.
One reason for this is that there are a lot more people in your home than you think there are, or at least a lot more relationships. Every person in your house has a discrete one-on-one relationship with every other person, and those pairings or dyads add up fast. In a family with two parents and two kids, there are six dyads: Mom has a relationship with child A and B, Dad has a relationship with child A and B. There's the marital relationship, and there is the relationship between the kids themselves. The formula for this looks very chilly but it's real. K equals the number of people in your household, and X equals the number of dyads. In a five-person family, there are ten discrete dyads. The eight-person Brady Bunch -- never mind the sweetness here -- there were 28 dyads in that family. The original Kennedy family with nine kids had 55 different relationships. And Bobby Kennedy, who grew up to have 11 children of his own, had a household with a whopping 91 dyads. This overpopulation of relationships makes fights unavoidable.
Jedan od razloga je da u vašoj kući ima mnogo više ljudi nego što mislite, ili makar mnogo više odnosa. Svaka osoba u vašoj kući ima diskretan jedan-na-jedan odnos sa svim drugim osobama, a ti parovi se brzo umnožavaju. U porodici sa dva roditelja i dvoje dece postoji šest parova: Mama ima odnos sa detetom A i detetom B. Tata ima odnos sa detetom A i detetom B. Tu je i bračni odnos, kao i odnos između same dece. Formula za ovo deluje veoma neprovereno, ali je stvarna. K označava broj ljudi u vašem domaćinstvu, a X označava broj parova. U petočlanoj porodici postoji deset diskretnih parova. Osmočlana Brejdi Banč porodica - zanemarite nostalgiju ovde - u toj porodici je postojalo 28 parova. Prvobitna porodica Kenedijevih sa devetoro dece je imala 55 različitih odnosa. A Bobi Kenedi, koji je imao 11 dece, je imao domaćinstvo sa neverovatnim 91 parom. Prevelik broj odnosa čini svađe neizbežnim.
And far and away the biggest trigger for all sibling fights is property. Studies have found that over 95 percent of the fights among small children concern somebody touching, playing with, looking at the other person's stuff.
A najveći okidač za sve svađe između braće i sestara je vlasništvo. Istraživanja su otkrila da je više od 95 procenata svađi među malom decom bilo uzrokovano diranjem, igranjem ili gledanjem tuđih stvari.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
This in its own way is healthy if it's very noisy, and the reason is that small children come into the world with absolutely no control. They are utterly helpless. The only way they have of projecting their very limited power is through the objects they can call their own. When somebody crosses that very erasable line, they're going to go nuts, and that's what happens.
Ovo je na neki način zdravo, čak iako je veoma glasno, a razlog za to je što mala deca dolaze na svet bez imalo kontrole. Ona su potpuno bespomoćna. Jedini način na koji mogu da pokažu svoju veoma ograničenu moć je pomoću predmeta koje mogu da nazovu svojim. Kada neko pređe tu veoma krhku liniju, oni polude i to je ono što se dogodi.
Another very common casus belli among children is the idea of fairness, as any parent who hears 14 times a day, "But that's unfair!" can tell you. In a way this is good, too, though. Kids are born with a very innate sense of right and wrong, of a fair deal versus an unfair one, and this teaches them powerful lessons. Do you want to know how powerfully encoded fairness is in the human genome? We process that phenomenon through the same lobe in our brain that processes disgust, meaning we react to the idea of somebody being cheated the same way we react to putrefied meat.
Drugi veoma čest izazivač rata među decom je ideja pravičnosti, što i svaki roditelj koji je čuo 14 puta dnevno: „Ali to nije fer!” može da vam kaže. I ovo je takođe na neki način dobro. Deca su rođena sa snažno urođenim osećajem za ono što je dobro i ono što je loše, šta je fer, a šta nije, i to ih uči veoma bitnim lekcijama. Želite li da znate koliko je pravičnost duboko ugrađena u ljudski gen? Taj fenomen obrađujemo pomoću istog dela našeg mozga koji obrađuje gađenje, što znači da na ideju da je neko prevaren mi reagujemo isto kao što bismo reagovali na pokvareno meso.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Any wonder that this fellow, Bernie Madoff, is unpopular?
Nije ni čudo što je Berni Medof toliko omražen.
All of these dramas played out day to day, moment to moment, serve as a real-time, total-immersion exercise for life. Siblings teach each other conflict avoidance and conflict resolution, when to stand up for themselves, when to stand down; they learn love, loyalty, honesty, sharing, caring, compromise, the disclosure of secrets and much more important, the keeping of confidences.
Sve ove drame koje se odvijaju svakog dana, svakog trenutka, služe kao sveokupirajuća vežba za život smeštena u realnom vremenu. Srodnici uče jedno drugo kako da izbegnu i kako da reše konflikt, kada da se zauzmu za sebe, kada da se povuku. Uče se ljubavi, vernosti, iskrenosti, deljenju, brižnosti, kompromisima, deljenju tajni i što je mnogo bitnije čuvanju poverenja.
I listen to my young daughters -- aren’t they adorable? -- I listen to my young daughters talking late into the night, the same way my parents, no doubt, listened to my brothers and me talking, and sometimes I intervene, but usually I don't. They're part of a conversation I am not part of, nobody else in the world is part of, and it's a conversation that can and should go on for the rest of their lives. From this will come a sense of constancy, a sense of having a permanent traveling companion, somebody with whom they road-tested life before they ever had to get out and travel it on their own.
Slušam moje ćerkice - zar nisu divne? - slušam moje ćerkice kako pričaju kasno u noć, isto kao što su i, bez sumnje, moji roditelji slušali moju braću i mene. Ponekad se umešam, ali uglavnom ne. One vode razgovor u kojem ne učestvujem ni ja niti bilo ko drugi na svetu i to je razgovor koji može i treba da se nastavi do kraja njihovih života. Iz ovoga će proizaći osećaj stalnosti, osećaj da imaju doživotnog saputnika, nekoga sa kim mogu da testiraju život, pre nego što budu morale da izađu i nastave samostalno da putuju.
Brothers and sisters aren't the sine qua non of a happy life; plenty of adult sibling relationships are fatally broken and need to be abandoned for the sanity of everybody involved. And only-children, throughout history, have shown themselves to be creatively, brilliantly capable of getting their socialization and comradeship skills through friends, through cousins, through classmates. But having siblings and not making the most of those bonds is, I believe, folly of the first order. If relationships are broken and are fixable, fix them. If they work, make them even better. Failing to do so is a little like having a thousand acres of fertile farmland and never planting it. Yes, you can always get your food at the supermarket, but think what you're allowing to lie fallow. Life is short, it's finite, and it plays for keeps. Siblings may be among the richest harvests of the time we have here.
Braća i sestre nisu neophodni za srećan život. Veliki broj odnosa između odraslih srodnika je potpuno uništen i moraju da budu prekinuti zarad zdravlja svih ostalih. Jedinci su tokom istorije takođe pokazali da su kreativno i apsolutno sposobni da steknu socijalne i društvene osobine putem prijatelja, rođaka, drugova iz odeljenja. Međutim, imati srodnike i ne izvući najviše iz tih veza je, bar ja smatram, na prvom mestu glupost. Ukoliko su odnosi pokvareni, a ima prostora za popravku, popravite ih. Ukoliko funkcionišu, još ih unapredite. Neuspevanje u tome je kao da imate hiljade ari plodnog zemljišta na kojem ništa niste zasadili. Da, uvek možete da kupite hranu u prodavnici, ali razmislite šta ostavljate da leži neuzorano. Život je kratak, nije večan i ima trajne posledice. Srodnici su možda jedan od najbogatijih plodova vremena koje imamo ovde.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)