TED has already persuaded me to change my life in one small way, by persuading me to change the opening of my speech. I love this idea of engagement. So, when you leave here today, I'm going to ask you to engage or re-engage with some of the most important people in your lives: your brothers and sisters. It can be a profoundly life-affirming thing to do, even if it isn't always easy.
TED me već uvjerio da promijenim svoj život na jedan mali način, uvjeravajući me da promijenim početak mog govora. Volim ovu ideju angažiranosti. Pa, kada danas odete odavde, zamolit ću vas da se angažirate ili ponovno angažirate s nekim od najvažnijih ljudi u vašem životu: vašom braćom i sestrama. Može biti intenzivno životno-potvrđujuća stvar za učiniti, čak iako nije uvijek lako.
This is a man named Elliot, for whom things were very difficult. Elliot was a drunk. He spent most of his life battling alcoholism, depression, morphine addiction, and that life ended when he was just 34 years old. What made things harder for Elliot is that his last name was Roosevelt. And he could never quite get past the comparisons with his big brother Teddy, for whom things always seemed to come a little bit easier.
Ovo je čovjek po imenu Elliot, za kojega su stvari bile vrlo teške. Elliot je bio pijanac. Veći dio života proveo je boreći se s alkoholizmom, depresijom, ovisnošću o morfiju, i taj život je završio kada je imao samo 34 godine. To što je Elliotu otežavalo stvari je to što je njegovo prezime bilo Roosevelt. I nikako nije mogao zaobići usporedbe sa svojim velikim bratom Teddyjem, za kojega se uvijek činilo da mu stvari idu lakše od ruke.
It wasn't easy being Bobby, either. He was also the sibling of a president. But he adored his brother, Jack. He fought for him, he worked for him. And when Jack died, he bled for him, too. In the years that followed, Bobby would smile, but it seemed labored. He'd lose himself in his work, but it seemed tortured. Bobby's own death, so similar to John's, seems somehow fitting. John Kennedy was robbed of his young life; Bobby seemed almost to have been relieved of his.
Nije bilo lako biti ni Bobby. On je također bio predsjednikov brat. Ali je obožavao svog brata Jacka. Borio se za njega, radio je za njega. I kad je Jack umro, krvario je za njega, također. U godinama koje su uslijedile, Bobby bi se nasmijao, ali činilo se naporno. Izgubio bi se u svom radu, ali se činilo mučenjem. Bobbyeva smrt, tako slična Johnovoj, čini se nekako prikladnom. John Kennedy bio je lišen svog mladenačkog života; za Bobbyja se skoro činilo da je bio olakšan od svog.
There may be no relationship that effects us more profoundly, that's closer, finer, harder, sweeter, happier, sadder, more filled with joy or fraught with woe than the relationship we have with our brothers and sisters. There's power in the sibling bond. There's pageantry. There's petulance, too, as when Neil Bush, sibling of both a president and a governor, famously griped, "I've lost patience for being compared to my older brothers," as if Jeb and George W were somehow responsible for the savings and loan scandal and the messy divorce that marked Neil in the public eye.
Ne postoji odnos koji na nas utječe duboko, koji je bliži, ljepši, teži, slađi, sretniji, tužniji, više ispunjen radošću ili prepun jada nego odnos kakav imamo s našom braćom i sestrama. Postoji snaga u vezi s braćom. Postoji raskoš. Tu je i nevoljnost, kao kad se Neil Bush, predsjednikov i guvernerov brat, čuveno žalio, "Izgubio sam strpljenje zbog uspoređivanja sa svojom starijom braćom," kao da su Jeb i George W nekako odgovorni za skandal sa štednjom, kreditima i neurednim razvodom, što je obilježilo Neila u javnosti.
But more important than all of these things, the sibling bond can be a thing of abiding love. Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come along too late. Our siblings are the only ones who are with us for the entire ride. Over the arc of decades, there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our sisters and brothers. It was true for me, it's true for your children and if you have siblings, it's true for you, too.
Ali važnije od svih ovih stvari, odnos među braćom može biti stvar trajne ljubavi. Naši roditelji prerano nas napuste, naš supružnik i naša djeca dođu prekasno. Naša braća su jedini koji su s nama cijelim putem. Tijekom luka desetljeća možda ne postoji ništa što nas određuje i oblikuje snažnije od našeg odnosa s našim sestrama i braćom. Bilo je istinito za mene, istinito je za vašu djecu i ako imate braću, istinito je i za vas.
This picture was taken when Steve, on the left, was eight years old. I was six, our brother Gary was five and my brother Bruce was four. I will not say what year it was taken. It was not this year.
Ova slika je slikana kada je Steve, s lijeve strane, imao osam godina. Ja sam imao šest, naš brat Gary pet i moj brat Bruce četiri. Neću reći koje godine je to slikano. Nije ove godine.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I open my new book, "The Sibling Effect," on a Saturday morning, not long before this picture was taken, when the three older brothers decided that it might be a very good idea to lock the younger brother in a fuse cabinet in our playroom.
Otvaram svoju novu knjigu, "Učinak braće," u subotu ujutro, nedugo prije nego što je slika slikana, kad su trojica starije braće odlučila da bi bila vrlo dobra ideja zaključati mlađeg brata u kutiju s osiguračima u našoj sobi za igru.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
We were, believe it or not, trying to keep him safe.
Htjeli smo, vjerovali ili ne, da bude na sigurnom.
Our father was a hotheaded man, somebody who didn't take kindly to being disturbed on Saturday mornings. I don't know what he thought his life would be like on Saturday mornings when he had four sons, ages four years old or younger when the youngest one was born, but they weren't quiet. He did not take to that well. And he would react to being disturbed on a Saturday morning by stalking into the playroom and administering a very freewheeling form of a corporal punishment, lashing out at whoever was within arms' reach. We were by no means battered children but we did get hit, and we found it terrifying.
Naš otac bio je brzoplet čovjek, netko tko nije dobro prihvaćao da ga se uznemiruje subotom ujutro. Ne znam što je mislio kakav bi njegov život trebao biti subotom ujutro kad je imao četiri sina, u dobi od četiri godine ili mlađi kada se najmlađi rodio, ali nisu bili mirni. Nije to dobro podnosio. I reagirao bi na to, uznemiren u subotu ujutro probijajući se u sobu za igru i primjenjujući vrlo slobodan oblik tjelesne kazne, istresajući se na bilo koga tko je bio na dohvat ruke. Nismo ni u kom slučaju bili zlostavljana djeca, ali dobili smo udarac, i smatrali smo to zastrašujućim.
So we devised a sort of scatter-and-hide drill.
Tako smo osmislili neku vrstu raziđi-se-i-sakrij vježbe.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
As soon as we saw or heard the footsteps coming, Steve, the oldest, would wriggle under the couch, I would dive into the closet in the playroom, Gary would dive into a window-seat toy chest, but not before we closed Bruce inside the fuse box. We told him it was Alan Shepard's space capsule, and that somehow made it work better.
Čim smo vidjeli ili čuli zvuk nadolazećih koraka, Steve, najstariji, bi se provukao ispod kauča, ja bih zaronio u ormar u sobi za igru, Gary bi zaronio u škrinju za igračke kod prozora, ali ne prije nego što smo zatvorili Brucea unutar kutije s osiguračima. Rekli smo mu da je to svemirska kapsula Alana Sheparda, što je nekako stvar učinilo boljom.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I dare say my father was never fooled by this ruse. And it was only in later years that I began to think perhaps it wasn't a good idea to squeeze a four-year-old up against a panel of old-style, un-screwable high-voltage fuses.
Usudim se reći da moj otac nikad nije nasjeo na ovo lukavstvo. I tek sam u kasnijim godinama počeo razmišljati da možda nije bila dobra ideja da stisnemo četverogodišnjaka uz staromodnu ploču s nepričvršćenim osiguračima visokog napona.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But my brothers and I, even through those unhappy times, came through them, with something that was clear and hard and fine: a primal appreciation for the bond we shared. We were a unit -- a loud, messy brawling, loyal, loving, lasting unit. We felt much stronger that way than we ever could as individuals. And we knew that as our lives went on, we could always be able to call on that strength.
Ali moja braća i ja, čak i kroz ta nesretna vremena, prošli smo kroz njiih s nečim što je jasno i teško i lijepo: iskonski cijeneći vezu koju dijelimo. Bili smo cjelina -- glasna, neuredna, bučna, odana, voljena, trajna cjelina. Osjećali smo se mnogo jače na taj način nego što smo ikada mogli kao pojedinci. I znali smo da kako naši životi idu dalje, da se uvijek možemo pozvati na tu snagu.
We're not alone. Until 15 years ago, scientists didn't really pay much attention to the sibling bond. And with good reason: you have just one mother, you have just one father if you do marriage right, you have one spouse for life. Siblings can claim none of that uniqueness. They're interchangeable, fungible, a kind of household commodity. Parents set up shop and begin stocking their shelves with inventory, the only limitation being sperm, egg and economics.
Nismo sami. Do prije 15 godina, znanstvenici nisu pridavali previše pažnje povezanosti braće. I s dobrim razlogom: imate samo jednu majku, imate samo jednog oca, ako ispravno stupite u brak, imate cjeloživotnog supružnika. Braća nemaju pravo ni na što od te jedinstvenosti. Ona su zamjenjiva, fleksibilna, vrsta kućanske robe. Roditelji postave prodavaonicu i počnu popunjavati police inventarom, s jednim ograničenjem, a to su sperma, jaje i ekonomija.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
As long as you can keep breathing, you may as well keep stocking. Now, nature is perfectly happy with that arrangement, because our primal directive here is to get as many of our genes as possible into the next generation.
Sve dok možete nastaviti disati, možete nastaviti s popunjavanjem. Sada, priroda je savršeno sretna s tim sporazumom, jer naš primarni propis ovdje je prenijeti što je više moguće naših gena u sljedeću generaciju.
Animals wrestle with these same issues, too, but they have a more straightforward way of dealing with things. A crested penguin that has laid two eggs will take a good look at them and boot the smaller one out of the nest, the better to focus her attentions on the presumably heartier chick in the bigger shell. A black eagle will allow all of her chicks to hatch and then stand back while the bigger ones fight it out with the little ones, typically ripping them to ribbons and then settling back to grow up in peace. Piglets, cute as they are, are born with a strange little outward set of pointing teeth, that they use to jab at one another as they compete for the choicest nursing spots.
I životinje se bore s istim pitanjima, ali one imaju izravniji način nošenja sa stvarima. Ćubasti pingvin koji je izlegao dva jaja dobro će ih pogledati i manje će izbaciti iz gnijezda, da se može bolje fokusirati na vjerojatno zdravije mladunče u većoj ljusci. Crni orao će dopustiti da se svi njeni pilići izlegu i držat će se po strani dok se veći ne izbore s manjima, obično parajući ih na vrpce i onda se smjeste nazad i odrastaju u miru. Praščići, slatki kakvi jesu, rođeni su s neobičnim malim vanjskim setom zubi koji strše, koje koriste da bodu jedni druge dok se natječu za izbor mjesta za dojenje.
The problem for scientists was that this whole idea of siblings as second-class citizens never really seemed to hold up. After the researchers had learned all they could from the relationships in the family, mothers and other relationships, they still came up with some temperamental dark matter that was pulling at us, exerting a gravity all its own. And that could only be our siblings.
Problem za znanstvenike bio je taj da cijela ova ideja o braći kao građanima druge klase nikad nije držala vodu. Nakon što su istraživači naučili sve što su mogli o odnosima u obitelji, majkama i drugim vezama, još su osmislili neku temperamentnu tamnu materiju koja nas je vukla, trenirajući svoju vlastitu gravitaciju. I to bi mogla samo biti naša braća.
Humans are no different from animals. After we are born, we do whatever we can to attract the attention of our parents, determining what our strongest selling points are and marketing them ferociously. Someone's the funny one, someone's the pretty one, someone's the athlete, someone's the smart one. Scientists call this "deidentification." If my older brother is a high-school football player -- which, if you saw my older brother, you'd know he was not -- I could become a high-school football player, too and get at most 50 percent of the applause in my family for doing that. Or, I could become student council president or specialize in the arts and get 100 percent of the attention in that area.
Ljudi nisu ništa drugačiji od životinja. Nakon što se rodimo, radimo što god možemo da privučemo pozornost naših roditelja, određujući što su naše najjače prodajne vještine i žestoko ih prodajemo. Netko je smiješan, netko je ljepši, netko je sportaš, netko je pametan. Znanstvenici zovu to "deidentifikacijom." Da je moj stariji brat srednjoškolski igrač nogometa -- kad biste vidjeli mog starijeg brata, znali biste da nije -- i ja sam mogao postati srednjoškolski nogometaš i dobiti najviše 50% pljeska u mojoj obitelji radi toga. Ili, mogao sam postati predsjednik studentskog vijeća ili se specijalizirati za umjetnost i dobiti 100 posto pozornosti u tom području.
Sometimes parents contaminate the deidentification process, communicating to their kids subtly or not, that only certain kinds of accomplishments will be applauded in the home. Joe Kennedy was famous for this, making it clear to his nine children that they were expected to compete with one another in athletics and were expected to win, lest they be made to eat in the kitchen with the help, rather than in the dining room with the family. It's no wonder that scrawny second-born Jack Kennedy fought so hard to compete with his fitter firstborn brother, Joe, often at his peril, at one point, engaging in a bicycle race around the house that resulted in a collision costing John 28 stitches. Joe walked away essentially unharmed.
Ponekad roditelji kontaminiraju proces deidentifikacije, komunicirajući svojoj djeci, suptilno ili ne, da će samo određena vrsta postignuća biti dočekana pljeskom u kući. Joe Kennedy je bio poznat po tome, dajući do znanja svojim devetero djece da se očekuje od njih da se natječu jedni s drugima u atletici i da se očekuje da pobijede, kako ne bi jeli u kuhinji s poslugom umjesto u blagovaonici s obitelji. Nije ni čudo da se mrzovoljni drugorođeni Jack Kennedy tako teško borio da se natječe sa svojim uvježbanijim prvorođenim bratom Joeom, često na vlastitu opasnost, u jednom trenutku, sudjelujući u biciklističkoj utrci oko kuće, što je rezultiralo sudarom, a John je završio s 28 šavova. Joe je odšetao u biti nepovrijeđen.
Parents exacerbate this problem further when they exhibit favoritism, which they do overwhelmingly, no matter how much they admit it. A study I cite in this TIME magazine covering in the book "The Sibling Effect," found 70 percent of fathers and 65 percent of mothers exhibit a preference for at least one child. And keep in mind here -- the keyword is "exhibit." The remaining parents may simply be doing a better job of concealing things.
Roditelji dodatno pogoršavaju ovaj problem kada pokazuju favoritizam, što pretežno rade, bez obzira koliko to ne priznaju. Studiju koju citiram u ovom TIME časopisu obuhvaćenu u knjizi "Učinak braće," otkriva da 70 posto očeva i 65 posto majki pokazuje preferiranje barem jednog djeteta. I imajte na umu ovdje -- ključna riječ je "pokazuju". Preostali roditelji možda samo rade bolji posao skrivanja stvari.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I like to say that 95 percent of all parents have a favorite, five percent are lying about it. The exception is my wife and me. Honestly, we do not have a favorite.
Volim reći da 95 posto svih roditelja ima miljenika, pet posto laže o tome. Iznimka smo moja žena i ja. Iskreno, nemamo miljenika.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
It's not parents' fault that they harbor feelings of favoritism. And here, too, our natural wiring is at work. Firstborns are the first products on the familial assembly line. Parents typically get two years of investing dollars, calories and so many other resources in them, so that by the time the second born comes along, the firstborn is already ... it's what corporations call "sunk costs," you don't want to disinvest in this one and launch the R&D on the new product.
Nisu roditelji krivi što luče osjećaje favoriziranja. I ovdje je na djelu naša priroda. Prvorođenci su prvi proizvod na obiteljskoj pokretnoj traci. Roditelji obično daju dvije godine ulaganja dolara, kalorija i mnogih drugih sredstava u njih, tako da do vremena dok drugorođeni dođe, prvorođeni je već ... ono što korporacije zovu "potopljeni troškovi," ne želite dezinvestirati u ovome i pokrenuti istraživanje i razvoj na novom proizvodu.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
So what we begin to do is say, "I'm going to lean to the Mac OS X and let the Mac OS XI come out in a couple of years." So we tend to lean in that direction.
Pa ono što pokušavamo raditi je reći, "Oslonit ću se na Mac OS X i dopustiti Mac OS XI da izađe za par godina." Pa smo skloni naginjati se u tom smjeru.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But there are other forces at work, too. One of the same studies I looked at both here and in the book found that, improbably, the most common favorite for a father is the last-born daughter. The most common favorite for a mother is the firstborn son. Now, this isn't Oedipal; never mind what the Freudians would have told us a hundred years ago. And it's not just that fathers are habitually wrapped around the fingers of their little girls, though I can tell you that, as the father of two girls, that part definitely plays a role. Rather, there is a certain reproductive narcissism at work. Your opposite-gender kids can never resemble you exactly. But if somehow they can resemble you temperamentally, you'll love them all the more. As the result, the father who is a businessman will just melt at the idea of his MBA daughter with a tough-as-nails worldview. The mother who is a sensitive type will go gooey over her son the poet.
Ali postoje i druge sile na djelu. Jedna od istih studija koje sam proučavao i ovdje i u knjizi utvrdila je, nevjerojatno, najčešći je očev miljenik posljednja rođena kći. Najčešći majčin miljenik je prvorođeni sin. Sada, ovo nije Edipov kompleks; nema veze što bi nam Freudovci rekli prije sto godina. I nije samo da su očevi naviknuti da ih njihove djevojčice vrte oko malog prsta, iako vam mogu reći da, kao ocu dviju djevojčica, taj dio definitivno igra ulogu. Točnije, tu je određeni reproduktivni narcizam na djelu. Vaša djeca suprotnog spola nikada vam ne mogu sličiti. Ali ako vam nekako mogu nalikovati temperamentno, više ćete ih voljeti. Kao rezultat toga, otac koji je poslovni čovjek samo će se rastopiti na ideju svoje MBA kćeri jakog pogleda na svijet. Majka koja je osjetljiv tip, razniježit će se na svog sina pjesnika.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Birth order, another topic I covered for TIME, and another topic I cover in the book, plays out in other ways as well. Long before scientists began looking at this, parents noticed that there are certain temperamental templates associated with all birth rankings: the serious, striving firstborn; the caught-in-a-thicket's middle born; the wild child of a last born. And once again, when science did crack this field, they found out mom and dad are right.
Red rođenja, još jedna tema koju sam obradio za TIME i još jedna tema koju sam obradio u knjizi, odigrava se i na druge načine. Puno prije nego što su znanstvenici počeli proučavati ovo, roditelji su primijetili da postoje određeni temperamentni predlošci povezani s redom rođenja: ozbiljni, težeći prvorođeni; zaglavljeni u sredini, srednjerođeni; divlje dijete kao posljednji rođeni. I još jednom, kad je znanost načela ovo polje, otkrili su da su mama i tata u pravu.
Firstborns across history have tended to be bigger and healthier than later borns, in part, because of the head start they got on food in an area in which it could be scarce. Firstborns are also vaccinated more reliably and tend to have more follow-up visits to doctors when they get sick. And this pattern continues today. This IQ question is, sadly -- I can say this as a second-born -- a very real thing. Firstborns have a three-point IQ advantage over second borns and second borns have a 1.5 IQ advantage over later borns, partly because of the exclusive attention firstborns get from mom and dad, and partly because they get a chance to mentor the younger kids. All of this explains why firstborns are likelier to be CEOs, they are likelier to be senators, they are likelier to be astronauts, and they are likelier to earn more than other kids are.
Prvorođeni kroz povijest imaju tendenciju biti veći i zdraviji nego kasnije rođeni, djelomično zbog prednosti koju su imali na hranu na području u kojem bi to moglo biti oskudno. Prvorođeni su također pouzdanije cijepljeni i imaju tendenciju obavljati više liječničkih kontrola kad se razbole. I ovaj se obrazac nastavlja i danas. Ovo IQ pitanje je, nažalost -- ovo mogu reći kao drugorođeni -- vrlo stvarna stvar. Prvorođeni imaju tri boda IQ prednosti nad drugorođenima i drugorođeni imaju 1,5 IQ prednosti nad kasnije rođenima, djelomično zbog ekskluzivne pozornosti koju prvorođeni dobivaju od mame i tate, i dijelom jer dobivaju priliku biti mentori mlađoj djeci. Sve ovo objašnjava zašto prvorođeni vjerojatnije postaju izvršnim direktorima, vjerojatnije postaju senatorima, vjerojatnije postaju astronautima, i vjerojatnije će zarađivati više nego ostala djeca.
Last borns come into the world with a whole different set of challenges. The smallest and weakest cubs in the den, they're at the greatest risk of getting eaten alive, so they have to develop what are called "low-power skills" -- the ability to charm and disarm, to intuit what's going on in someone else's head, the better to duck the punch before it lands.
Posljednji rođeni dolaze na svijet s potpuno različitim nizom izazova. Najmanja i najslabija mladunčad u jazbini imaju najveći rizik da budu pojedeni živi pa moraju razvijati, što ih zovu, "vještine male snage" -- sposobnost šarmiranja i razoružanja, da bi intuitivno znali što se događa u tuđoj glavi, da bi bolje izbjegli udarac prije nego što dođe.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
They're also flat-out funnier, which is another thing that comes in handy, because a person who's making you laugh is a very hard person to slug.
Također su i potpuno zabavniji, što je još jedna stvar koja dobro dođe, jer je osobu koja vas nasmijava jako teško udariti.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
It's perhaps no coincidence that over the course of history, some of our greatest satirists -- Swift, Twain, Voltaire, Colbert --
Možda nije slučajnost da su tokom povijesti, neki od naših najvećih satiričara -- Swift, Twain, Voltaire, Colbert --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
are either the last borns or among the last in very large families.
su ili zadnji rođeni ili među posljednjima u vrlo velikim obiteljima.
Most middle borns don't get quite as sweet a deal. I think of us as the flyover states. We are --
Većina srednje rođenih ne dobije tako dobar dogovor. Mislim o nama kao o zemljama koje prelijećemo. Mi smo --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
we're the ones who fight harder for recognition in the home. We're the ones who are always raising our hands while someone else at the table is getting called on. We're the ones who tend to take a little longer to find their direction in life. And there can be self-esteem issues associated with that, notwithstanding the fact that I've been asked to do TED, so I feel much better about these things right now.
mi smo ti koji se jače borimo za priznanje u domu. Mi smo ti koji uvijek podižemo naše ruke dok netko drugi biva prozivan za stolom. Mi smo ti koji imamo tendenciju da nam treba malo duže da nađemo svoj put u životu. I mogu postojati pitanja samopouzdanja povezana s tim, bez obzira na činjenicu da sam tražen da napravim TED pa se osjećam puno bolje po tim pitanjima.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But the upside for middle borns is that they also tend to develop denser and richer relationships outside the home. But that advantage comes also from something of a disadvantage, simply because their needs weren't met as well in the home.
Ali pozitivna strana za srednje rođene je ta da su skloni razvijati čvršće i bogatije veze izvan doma. Ali ta prednost dolazi od nečega što je nedostatak, jednostavno jer njihove potrebe nisu bile tako dobro zadovoljene u kući.
The feuds in the playroom that play out over favoritism, birth order and so many other issues are as unrelenting as they seem. In one study I cite in the book, children in the two-to-four age group engage in one fight every 6.3 minutes, or 9.5 fights an hour. That's not fighting -- that's performance art.
Svađe u sobi za igru koje se odigravaju radi favoriziranja, reda rođenja i toliko drugih pitanja su toliko neumoljive koliko se i čine. U jednoj studiji koju citiram u knjizi, djeca u grupi od dvije do četiri godine sudjeluju u svađi svake 6,3 minute, ili 9,5 svađa po satu. To nije svađanje -- to je umjetnost nastupa.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
That's extraordinary.
To je izvanredno.
One reason for this is that there are a lot more people in your home than you think there are, or at least a lot more relationships. Every person in your house has a discrete one-on-one relationship with every other person, and those pairings or dyads add up fast. In a family with two parents and two kids, there are six dyads: Mom has a relationship with child A and B, Dad has a relationship with child A and B. There's the marital relationship, and there is the relationship between the kids themselves. The formula for this looks very chilly but it's real. K equals the number of people in your household, and X equals the number of dyads. In a five-person family, there are ten discrete dyads. The eight-person Brady Bunch -- never mind the sweetness here -- there were 28 dyads in that family. The original Kennedy family with nine kids had 55 different relationships. And Bobby Kennedy, who grew up to have 11 children of his own, had a household with a whopping 91 dyads. This overpopulation of relationships makes fights unavoidable.
Jedan razlog za ovo je da je u vašem domu puno više ljudi nego što mislite da je, ili barem puno više odnosa. Svaka osoba u vašoj kući ima poseban jedan-na-jedan odnos sa svakom drugom osobom, i ta uparivanja ili parovi brzo se nakupljaju. U obitelji s dva roditelja i dvoje djece, postoji šest parova: Mama ima odnos s djetetom A i B, Tata ima odnos s djetetom A i B. Postoji bračni odnos i postoji odnos između same djece. Formula za to izgleda vrlo hladno ali je stvarna. K je jednako broju ljudi u kućanstvu, X je jednako broju parova. U peteročlanoj obitelji, postoji deset posebnih odnosa. Osmeročlana obitelj Brady -- zanemarite slatkoću ovdje -- u toj obitelji je bilo 28 parova. Izvorna obitelj Kennedy s devetero djece imala je 55 različitih odnosa. I Bobby Kennedy, koji je odrastao imajući 11 vlastite djece, imao je kućanstvo s nevjerojatnih 91 parom. Ova prenapučenost odnosa čini svađe neizbježnima.
And far and away the biggest trigger for all sibling fights is property. Studies have found that over 95 percent of the fights among small children concern somebody touching, playing with, looking at the other person's stuff.
I daleko najveći okidač za svađe među braćom je imovina. Studije su otkrile da se preko 95 posto svađa među malom djecom odnosi na to da netko dira, igra se, gleda tuđe stvari.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
This in its own way is healthy if it's very noisy, and the reason is that small children come into the world with absolutely no control. They are utterly helpless. The only way they have of projecting their very limited power is through the objects they can call their own. When somebody crosses that very erasable line, they're going to go nuts, and that's what happens.
Ovo je na svoj način zdravo ako je jako glasno i razlog je da mala djeca dođu na svijet s apsolutno nikakvom kontrolom. Potpuno su bespomoćni. Jedini način da projiciraju svoju vrlo ograničenu moć je putem predmeta koje mogu zvati svojima. Kad netko prijeđe tu izbrisivu crtu, poludjet će, i to se događa.
Another very common casus belli among children is the idea of fairness, as any parent who hears 14 times a day, "But that's unfair!" can tell you. In a way this is good, too, though. Kids are born with a very innate sense of right and wrong, of a fair deal versus an unfair one, and this teaches them powerful lessons. Do you want to know how powerfully encoded fairness is in the human genome? We process that phenomenon through the same lobe in our brain that processes disgust, meaning we react to the idea of somebody being cheated the same way we react to putrefied meat.
Drugi vrlo česti casus belli među djecom je ideja pravednosti, kao svaki roditelj koji 14 puta na dan čuje, "Ali to je nepošteno!" vam to može reći. Na neki način je i to dobro. Djeca se rađaju s urođenim smislom za ispravno i pogrešno, za pošten dogovor naspram nepoštenog, i ovo ih uči moćnim lekcijama. Želite li znati koliko je snažno kodirana pravednost u ljudskom genomu? Taj fenomen obrađujemo kroz isti režanj u našem mozgu koji obrađuje gađenje, što znači da reagiramo na ideju da se nekoga vara na isti način na koji reagiramo na trulo meso.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Any wonder that this fellow, Bernie Madoff, is unpopular?
Čudi li se netko da je ovaj momak, Bernie Madoff, nepopularan?
All of these dramas played out day to day, moment to moment, serve as a real-time, total-immersion exercise for life. Siblings teach each other conflict avoidance and conflict resolution, when to stand up for themselves, when to stand down; they learn love, loyalty, honesty, sharing, caring, compromise, the disclosure of secrets and much more important, the keeping of confidences.
Sve ove drame odigravane iz dana u dan, iz trenutka u trenutak, služe kao stvarna, istinska vježba za život. Braća i sestre uče jedni druge izbjegavanju sukoba i rješavanju sukoba, kada se založiti za sebe, kada odstupiti; uče ljubav, lojalnost, iskrenost, dijeljenje, brižnost, kompromis, otkrivanje tajni i mnogo važnije, čuvanje povjerenja.
I listen to my young daughters -- aren’t they adorable? -- I listen to my young daughters talking late into the night, the same way my parents, no doubt, listened to my brothers and me talking, and sometimes I intervene, but usually I don't. They're part of a conversation I am not part of, nobody else in the world is part of, and it's a conversation that can and should go on for the rest of their lives. From this will come a sense of constancy, a sense of having a permanent traveling companion, somebody with whom they road-tested life before they ever had to get out and travel it on their own.
Slušam svoje mlade kćeri -- nisu li divne? Slušam svoje mlade kćeri kako pričaju do kasno u noć, na isti način na koji su moji roditelji, bez sumnje, slušali moju braću i mene kako pričamo, i ponekad se umiješam, ali obično ne. One su dio razgovora čiji dio ja nisam, nitko drugi na svijetu nije dio njega, i to je razgovor koji se može i treba nastaviti do kraja njihovih života. Iz toga će proizaći osjećaj postojanosti, osjećaj posjedovanja stalnog putnog druga, nekoga s kim će iskušavati život prije nego što sami izađu i krenu samostalno putovati.
Brothers and sisters aren't the sine qua non of a happy life; plenty of adult sibling relationships are fatally broken and need to be abandoned for the sanity of everybody involved. And only-children, throughout history, have shown themselves to be creatively, brilliantly capable of getting their socialization and comradeship skills through friends, through cousins, through classmates. But having siblings and not making the most of those bonds is, I believe, folly of the first order. If relationships are broken and are fixable, fix them. If they work, make them even better. Failing to do so is a little like having a thousand acres of fertile farmland and never planting it. Yes, you can always get your food at the supermarket, but think what you're allowing to lie fallow. Life is short, it's finite, and it plays for keeps. Siblings may be among the richest harvests of the time we have here.
Braća i sestre nisu sine qua non sretnog života; dosta odnosa odrasle braće fatalno je slomljeno i moraju biti napušteni radi zdravog razuma svih upletenih. I djeca jedinci su kroz povijest sama sebi pokazala da su kreativno, sjajno sposobna usvojiti socijalne i drugarske vještine kroz prijatelje, kroz rođake, kroz kolege iz razreda. Ali imati braću i sestre i ne izvući najviše iz tih odnosa je, vjerujem, ludost prvog reda. Ako su odnosi narušeni i mogu se popraviti, popravite ih. Ako funkcioniraju, učinite ih još boljima. Ne učiniti to je malo kao da imate tisuću hektara plodne zemlje i nikad ništa ne posadite. Da, uvijek možete dobiti vašu hranu u supermarketu, ali razmislite što dopuštate neiskorištavanjem. Život je kratak, konačan, i igra na sigurno. Braća i sestre su možda među najbogatijim žetvama vremena koje imamo ovdje.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)