There are three words that explain why I am here. They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."
用九個字可以解釋 為什麼我會在這裡。 「艾米.克魯塞.羅森塔爾」。
At the end of Amy's life, hyped up on morphine and home in hospice, the "New York Times" published an article she wrote for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017. It was read worldwide by over five million people. The piece was unbearably sad, ironically funny and brutally honest. While it was certainly about our life together, the focus of the piece was me. It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband." It was a creative play on a personal ad for me. Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill with another love story.
艾米的生命走到終點時, 她因為嗎啡而興奮, 在家中安寧療護, 《紐約時報》刊出了一篇她寫的文章, 刊在 2017 年 3 月 3 日的 《摩登情愛》專欄。 全世界有超過五百萬人讀這個專欄。 這篇文章讓人悲傷到無法自己, 卻又帶著諷刺的趣味, 和殘酷的誠實。 雖然這篇文章絕對是 在寫我們一起的生活, 但焦點是在我身上。 文章主題叫做 「你可能會想要嫁給我先生」。 那是個為我做的個人廣告,很有創意。 艾米真的留了一個空間給我, 讓我填入另一個愛情故事。
Amy was my wife for half my life. She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children, and really, she was my girl, you know? We had so much in common. We loved the same art, the same documentaries, the same music. Music was a huge part of our life together. And we shared the same values. We were in love, and our love grew stronger up until her last day. Amy was a prolific author. In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs, she published over 30 children's books. Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris, called "Dear Girl," reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list. She was a self-described tiny filmmaker. She was 5'1" and her films were not that long.
我的人生有一半的時間, 艾米都是我的太太。 我們一起養大了三個美好的孩子, 他們現在都已長大, 而且,說真的,她是我的女孩。 我們有好多共同點。 我們愛同樣的藝術、 同樣的紀錄片、同樣的音樂。 在我們一起的生活中, 音樂佔了很大一部分。 我們還有相同的價值觀。 我們愛著彼此, 我們的愛不斷成長茁壯, 直到她的最後一天。 艾米是位多產的作家。 除了兩本開創性的自傳之外, 她還出版了超過三十本童書。 在她過世後,她和我們的女兒 帕里絲一起寫的書 《親愛的女孩》, 爬到《紐約時報》 暢銷書排行榜的第一名。 她自稱是位小電影工作者。 她只有五呎一吋, 且她的電影也沒那麼長。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together. She was also a terrific public speaker, talking with children and adults of all ages all over the world.
她的電影就是很好的例子, 呈現她天生善於把人聚集在一起能力。 她也是位很出色的公開演說家, 演說對象包括兒童 及各種年齡的成人, 且到世界各地演說。
Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public. However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone. Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that. Now, just a little over a year into my new life, I've learned a few things. I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward through and with grief. But before I do that, I think it would be important to talk a little bit about the end of life, because it forms how I have been emotionally since then. Death is such a taboo subject, right?
只有一點讓我的悲慟故事很獨特, 那點就是:它是公開的。 然而,我的故事不只是哀悼的過程。 艾米允許我向前走下去, 我對此心懷感激。 進入我的新生活大約一年多之後, 我學到了幾件事。 我來這裡和各位分享的, 是我帶著悲慟 向前穿過悲慟的過程。 但在我分享之前,我認為必須要 稍微談談臨終, 因為它造成了我之後情緒上的狀況。 死亡是個禁忌的話題,對吧?
Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017. She somehow lived an additional two months without solid food. Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home or in the hospital. They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight, that she would never lay with her husband again, and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon. Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in. How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping and going on and off all the time, no disruptions for mandatory drug administration, home with your family to die.
艾米在 2017 年 1 月 9 日 吃完了她的最後一餐。 不知怎麼,她又多活了兩個月, 沒有吃固態食物。 她的醫生告訴我們, 我們能讓她在家做臨終安寧, 或在醫院也可以。 他們沒有告訴我們, 艾米的體重只剩下一半, 且她永遠無法再和 她的丈夫同床共眠, 且走上樓到我們的臥房 很快就變得像跑馬拉松一樣。 在家安寧,能讓她 在美麗的環境中離開人世。 身邊沒有機器一直嗶嗶叫、 開開關關,這樣有多好? 也不用因為強制用藥而被打斷, 能在家裡離開人世, 有家人陪伴在身邊。
We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could. We talked often about death. Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure, but being able to talk openly about it was liberating. We talked about subjects like parenting. I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence. In those conversations, she gave me confidence by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them, and that I can do it. I know there will be many times where I wish she and I can make decisions together. We were always so in sync. May I be so audacious as to suggest that you have these conversations now, when healthy. Please don't wait.
我們盡力而為, 讓最後這幾個星期變得更有意義。 我們常常會談死亡。 大家都知道,每個人都一定會死, 但能開放地談它, 讓人覺得很解放。 我們談的主題包括教養子女。 我問艾米,當她不在了以後, 我要如何為孩子們扮演最好的爸爸? 在那些對談中,她給我信心, 強調我和我們的每個孩子 都有很棒的關係, 強調我能做到。 我知道將來會有許多時刻, 我會希望她能和我一起做決定。 我們過去總是同頻的。 我能不能大膽地建議各位 現在就進行這些談話, 趁還健康時。 請不要等。
As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors. How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline. We had a Krouse night, her parents and three siblings. Friends and family were next. Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us. Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends.
在我們的安寧過程中, 我們安排了訪客群。 艾米十分勇敢地接待他們, 即使她的身體狀況已經越來越糟。 我們有個克魯塞之夜, 先和她的父母及三個手足。 接下來是朋友和家人。 每次都訴說了關於艾米 和關於我們的美好故事。 艾米對她忠誠的朋友 造成了很大的影響。
But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members. I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date, I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me. I remember walking backwards to the bathroom, assisting Amy with each step. I felt so strong. I'm not such a big guy, but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body. And that body failed in our house. On March 13 of last year, my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed. I carried her lifeless body down our stairs, through our dining room and our living room to a waiting gurney to have her body cremated. I will never get that image out of my head. If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience, acknowledge that. Just say you heard this guy Jason talk about how tough it must be to have those memories and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it. They may not want to talk, but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images. I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question.
但對於留下來的家人而言, 居家安寧並沒有那麼美好。 在此我想跟各位說比較 個人化的事,那就是,至今, 最後這幾週的記憶仍然揮之不去。 我還記得我倒退著走進廁所, 協助艾米踏出每一步。 我感到很強壯。 我的個頭不高大, 但和艾米虛弱的身體相比, 我的手臂看起來且感覺起來好健康。 那虛弱的身體, 在我們的家中衰竭了。 去年 3 月 13 日, 我太太因為卵巢癌, 在我們的床上過世。 我扛著她沒有生命的身體, 走下我們的樓梯, 穿過我們的餐廳 和我們的客廳, 到在那等候著的推床上, 將她的屍體火化。 我腦中永遠會留有這個影像。 如果你認識一個 曾經經歷過臨終安寧的人, 請認可他。 就說,你聽過這個叫傑森的傢伙, 談過留著那些記憶是多麼艱難的事, 如果他們想要找人談談, 可以隨時找你。 他們可能不會想談, 但能夠和每天都帶著那些持久記憶 過日子的人有所連結,是很好的。 我知道這聽起來難以置信, 但從來沒有人問過我那個問題。
Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way. Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection. The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer than even us and her family knew. Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process because of their humor, like this email I received from a woman reader who read the article, declaring, "I will marry you when you are ready --
艾米的文章讓我 以公開的方式經驗這段悲慟。 有許多讀者向我伸出手, 他們用美麗的文字寫下他們的想法。 艾米的影響力, 比我們和她的家人所知道的 還要更深、更豐富。 我收到的一些回覆, 協助我度過這段強烈的哀悼過程, 因為他們的幽默, 就像我收到一位女性讀者的郵件, 她讀了那篇文章,宣稱: 「當你準備好之後,我會嫁給你──」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
"provided you permanently stop drinking. No other conditions. I promise to outlive you. Thank you very much."
「前提是你要永遠停止飲酒。 沒有其他條件。 我保證會活得比你久。 非常謝謝你。」
Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue. Yet how could I say no to that proposal?
我確實很喜歡好喝的龍舌蘭酒, 但我並沒有酗酒問題。 但我要如何對那樣的求婚說不?
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend: "I remember Shabbat dinners at your home and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons. Only Amy could find creativity in croutons."
當我讀到這段我們家人的朋友 寫的文字時,我是笑中帶淚的: 「我還記得在你們家吃的安息日晚餐, 艾米教我如何做玉米油炸麵包丁。 只有艾米能夠在 油炸麵包丁中找到創意。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death, my dad died of complications related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease. I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle? What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss and yet carry on? Was this a test? Why my family and my amazing children? Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission, but the key to my being able to persevere is Amy's expressed and very public edict that I must go on. Throughout this year, I have done just that. I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty that I know this life is capable of providing. But here's the reality: those family gatherings, attending weddings and events honoring Amy, as loving as they are, have all been very difficult to endure. People say I'm amazing. "How do you handle yourself that way during those times?" They say, "You do it with such grace." Well, guess what? I really am sad a lot of the time. I often feel like I'm kind of a mess, and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses, children, parents and other family members.
7 月 27 日,艾米過世後幾個月, 我長期在和帕金森氏症對抗的父親, 也因為併發症而過世了。 我不得不納悶, 一個人能夠承受多少? 是什麼讓我們有辦法處理 這麼強烈的失去, 且還能走下去? 這是個試煉嗎? 為什麼選上我的家人 和我那麼棒的孩子? 很遺憾,我得要說, 尋找這個答案是一生的任務。 但讓我能堅持下去的關鍵, 是艾米非常公開的公告, 要我一定要走下去。 今年,我就是在做這件事。 我嘗試著踏出去, 尋求我知道這個人生 能夠提供的喜悅和美麗。 但現實卻是: 那些家庭聚會、 出席婚禮,以及追思艾米的活動, 雖然都充滿了愛, 但對我來說都好難承受。 大家都說我很了不起。 「你如何能用那樣的方式 來面對那些時刻?」 他們說:「你表現得非常優雅。」 你猜怎樣? 大部分的時候,我其實很傷心。 我常覺得我自己一團糟, 我知道其他留下的遺眷 也都會有那些感受, 配偶、孩子、父母, 及其他家屬都會。
In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji," which translates as "birth death." There is no separation between life and death other than a thin line that connects the two. Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life, and death, those things we want to get rid of, are said to be faced equally. In this new life that I find myself in, I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving.
在日本的禪道中, 有個詞叫「shoji」, 翻譯為「生死」。 生與死之間沒有阻隔, 只有一條很細的線連結兩者。 生,或是說人生中喜悅的、 美好的、充滿活力的部分, 以及死,我們想要擺脫的那些事物, 都要被平等面對。 在我的新人生當中, 我帶著悲慟向前走時, 我盡力而為去擁抱這個概念。
In the early months following Amy's death, though, I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present, that it would be all-consuming. Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice. Many members of the losing-a-spouse club reached out to me. One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating, "Jason, you will find joy." I didn't even know what she was talking about. How was that possible? But because Amy gave me very public permission to also find happiness, I now have experienced joy from time to time. There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert, traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip to meet a group of great guys I never met before. From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day, stepping out in it, laying there, the warmth consuming my body. The joy comes from my three stunning children. There was my son Justin, texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye," with a huge grin on his face.
不過,在艾米剛過世的那幾個月, 我很確定絕望的感受會經常出現, 它會吞噬一切。 沒多久,我很幸運, 收到了很棒的忠告。 失去配偶俱樂部的許多成員 都向我伸出手。 特別有一位朋友,她也失去了 人生的另一半,她不斷重覆: 「傑森,你將來會找到喜悅的。」 我當時甚至不知道她在說什麼。 那怎麼有可能? 但因為艾米非常公開地允許我 去找到幸福, 我現在也偶爾會感受到喜悅了。 喜悅就這麼出現了,夜晚用 LCD 音響系統聽音樂會時跟著起舞, 和兄弟及好友旅行, 或和同事伙計來一趟男孩之旅, 去認識一群我從來沒有見過 但很棒的先生們。 從觀察到在一個冷天 我的甲板上有陽光照射, 我開始走出去,躺在甲板上, 讓溫暖充滿我的身體。 喜悅來自我那三位讓人驚奇的孩子。 比如我的兒子賈斯汀, 他傳給我一張他和一位 較年長的男士的照片, 那位男士的前臂非常強壯,他加註 「我剛遇到了大力水手卜派」, 他臉上是個露齒的大微笑。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
There was his brother Miles, walking to the train for his first day of work after graduating college, who stopped and looked back at me and asked, "What am I forgetting?" I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this." And my daughter Paris, walking together through Battersea Park in London, the leaves piled high, the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga.
還有他的兄弟邁爾斯,走向火車, 那是他大學畢業後第一天去工作, 他停下腳步,回頭看著我,問: 「我忘了什麼?」 我馬上向他保證:「你 100% 準備好了。你沒問題的。」 還有我女兒帕里絲, 我和她一起散步穿過 倫敦的巴特西公園, 樹葉堆得很高, 我們一大清早去做瑜伽的路上, 陽光在閃耀著。
I would add that beauty is also there to discover, and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety but beauty nonetheless. On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say, "Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that? It's too beautiful for you not to share with me." On the other hand, I now experience these moments in an entirely new way. There was the beauty I found in music, like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album, when the song "The Alien" seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine," or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me," whose chorus reads, "And it's killing me that you're not here with me. I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty." There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer, a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA, like on my morning commute, looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan, or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines at different times of the day in the house we built together; even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow throughout the neighborhood; or peeking into my daughter's room as she's practicing the bass guitar.
我想補充一下, 美麗也在那裡等著被發掘, 我指的是侘寂多樣性的美麗, (註:不完美的美學) 但也仍然是美麗。 另一方面,當我看到 這類事物時,我想要說: 「艾米,你看到了嗎? 你聽到了嗎? 這太美了,你不能不與我分享。」 另一方面, 我現在以一種整體的新方式 來體驗那些時刻。 我在音樂中能找到美麗, 比如在曼徹斯特管絃搖滾樂團 最新的專輯中, 當「外星人」這首歌 無縫地轉換到「陽光」的時候, 或是像路克西塔爾辛的專輯 「要我的命」,有種難忘的美麗, 他的合唱團唱著: 「你不在這裡陪我,真是要我的命。 我活得很快樂,但我覺得很罪惡。」 在人生中帶給我們的 那些簡單時刻裡,就有美麗, 把這個世界看成是 艾米 DNA 的一部分, 比如我早上通勤時, 看著密西根湖上反映的太陽, 或是停下腳步真正去欣賞 一天不同時刻中,光是如何 照耀我們一同建造的房子; 甚至在芝加哥暴風雨之後, 注意到在整個街坊中 雪是如何漸漸堆起; 或是窺視我女兒的房間, 偷看她練低音吉他。
Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person. I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me. I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief. But whether it's a divorce, losing a job you worked so hard at or having a family member die suddenly or of a slow-moving and painful death, I would like to offer you what I was given: a blank of sheet of paper. What will you do with your intentional empty space, with your fresh start?
我想說清楚一件事, 我是一個非常幸運的人。 我有著最棒的家人, 他們愛我、支持我。 在我悲慟的過程中, 我有資源可以做個人成長。 但不論是離婚、 失去你很努力在維持的工作, 或有親人突然過世, 或以緩慢痛苦的方式離世, 我都想要給予你 我所得到的: 一張白紙。 當意識裡有個空白的空間, 你也會面對一個全新的開始, 那麼,你打算要做什麼?
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)