There are three words that explain why I am here. They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."
可以用三个词来解释 为什么我会在这里。 那就是 “艾米 · 克劳斯 · 罗森塔尔 (Amy Krouse Rosenthal)”。
At the end of Amy's life, hyped up on morphine and home in hospice, the "New York Times" published an article she wrote for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017. It was read worldwide by over five million people. The piece was unbearably sad, ironically funny and brutally honest. While it was certainly about our life together, the focus of the piece was me. It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband." It was a creative play on a personal ad for me. Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill with another love story.
在艾米生命的最后时刻, 当她还在靠吗啡因支撑着, 并在家里接受了临终关怀的时候, 《纽约时代》在 2017 年 3 月 3 日《现代爱情》专栏中, 刊登了她的一篇文章。 全球有超过 500 万人 阅读了这个专栏。 这篇文章让人极度悲伤, 却又带着讽刺的趣味, 真实得近乎残酷。 虽然这确实是关于我们的共同生活, 但这篇文章的焦点却是我。 它的题目是《你可能想嫁给我丈夫》。 这是为我个人量身打造的 一则创意广告。 艾米也确实给我留下了一段空白, 等着我用另一段爱情故事填补。
Amy was my wife for half my life. She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children, and really, she was my girl, you know? We had so much in common. We loved the same art, the same documentaries, the same music. Music was a huge part of our life together. And we shared the same values. We were in love, and our love grew stronger up until her last day. Amy was a prolific author. In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs, she published over 30 children's books. Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris, called "Dear Girl," reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list. She was a self-described tiny filmmaker. She was 5'1" and her films were not that long.
艾米是我半生的伴侣。 我们共同抚育了三个小孩, 现在均已长大成人。 我们是天造地设的一对, 在很多方面都非常相似。 我们热爱同样的艺术、 同样的纪录片、同样的音乐。 音乐是我们共同生活的重要部分。 并且我们有相同的价值观。 我们相亲相爱, 我们的爱情与日俱增, 直到她最后离去。 艾米是一位多产的作家。 除了两本开创性的回忆录, 她还出版了超过 30 本儿童图书。 在她走后,她和我们女儿 帕丽斯合著的 《亲爱的女儿》 斩获了《纽约时报》最佳销量书榜首。 她自诩为小电影制片人。 她身高 1 米 55, 但她的电影没有那么长。
(Laughter)
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Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together. She was also a terrific public speaker, talking with children and adults of all ages all over the world.
她的电影展示了她与生俱来的能力—— 将人们聚在一起。 她也是一名出色的公众演说家, 能够与来自全世界不同年龄段的人 自如的交流。
Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public. However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone. Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that. Now, just a little over a year into my new life, I've learned a few things. I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward through and with grief. But before I do that, I think it would be important to talk a little bit about the end of life, because it forms how I have been emotionally since then. Death is such a taboo subject, right?
这个悲伤的故事唯一的 独特之处在于,它是公开的。 然而,我的故事却不仅仅是关于悼念。 艾米允许我继续前行, 我对此非常感激。 在开始新生活的大约一年后, 我学到了一些东西。 我想在这里与各位分享 在悲伤中继续前进的一些片段。 但在此之前,我认为必须要 谈谈生命的终结, 因为它塑造了我在那之后的感情状态。 毕竟,死亡是一个禁忌话题,对吧?
Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017. She somehow lived an additional two months without solid food. Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home or in the hospital. They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight, that she would never lay with her husband again, and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon. Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in. How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping and going on and off all the time, no disruptions for mandatory drug administration, home with your family to die.
2017 年 1 月 9 号, 艾米吃完她最后的一顿晚餐。 在那之后,她靠着流食 又坚持了两个月。 她的医生告诉我们,我们可以 在家或者在医院 进行最后的临终关怀。 但他们没有告诉我们, 艾米的体重会下降一半, 她再也不能与她的丈夫同床共枕, 而且很快,上楼进入卧室 开始变得像跑了场马拉松一样。 家庭临终关怀能让她 在舒适的环境中离开人世。 没有医疗器械启动、运行 和关闭的杂音, 没有强制用药干预的打扰, 走之前能有家人相伴,是多么美好。
We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could. We talked often about death. Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure, but being able to talk openly about it was liberating. We talked about subjects like parenting. I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence. In those conversations, she gave me confidence by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them, and that I can do it. I know there will be many times where I wish she and I can make decisions together. We were always so in sync. May I be so audacious as to suggest that you have these conversations now, when healthy. Please don't wait.
我们竭尽全力, 想让她仅剩的几周生命更有意义。 我们常常谈论死亡。 每个人都知道,人终有一死, 但能够公开讨论这个话题, 则是一种解脱。 我们谈论了育儿的话题。 我问艾米,在她离开后, 我如何才能成为孩子们最好的监护人。 在那些谈话中, 她给了我很大的信心, 强调了我与孩子们的亲密关系, 告诉我,我一定能做到。 我知道,在未来将会有无数次, 我希望她能和我一起做决定。 我们总是那么合拍。 请允许我大胆地建议, 现在就进行这些谈话, 趁着你们还健康。 请不要等待。
As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors. How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline. We had a Krouse night, her parents and three siblings. Friends and family were next. Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us. Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends.
作为临终关怀的一部分, 我们安排了一些访客。 尽管身体每况愈下, 艾米仍勇敢地接待了他们, 我们和她的父母, 以及三个兄弟姐妹 度过了一个狂欢之夜。 然后是朋友和家人。 每个人都讲述了 艾米和我们两人的美好故事。 艾米对她的挚友产生了巨大的影响。
But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members. I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date, I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me. I remember walking backwards to the bathroom, assisting Amy with each step. I felt so strong. I'm not such a big guy, but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body. And that body failed in our house. On March 13 of last year, my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed. I carried her lifeless body down our stairs, through our dining room and our living room to a waiting gurney to have her body cremated. I will never get that image out of my head. If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience, acknowledge that. Just say you heard this guy Jason talk about how tough it must be to have those memories and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it. They may not want to talk, but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images. I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question.
但家庭临终关怀对活着的家人来说 并不那么美好。 在此,我摊点死人的话题, 我想告诉你们,直到今天, 我仍然无法忘怀 艾米离世前的最后几周。 我记得我是倒着进入卫生间, 协助艾米一步步走进去。 我感到强劲有力。 我不是个很高大的人, 但我的手臂相比艾米脆弱的 身体是如此的健康。 房间里那虚弱的躯体 再也支撑不下去了。 在去年 3 月 13 号, 我妻子因卵巢癌逝世。 我抱着她的遗体 走下楼梯, 穿过我们的餐厅 和起居室, 直到在那里等候着的推床上, 将她送去火化。 我永远无法忘却那个画面。 如果你知道有人经历过临终关怀, 都会认可这一点。 只需要说, 你听过这个叫杰森的人说, 怀揣着那些回忆是多么的艰难, 并且告诉他们,如果想要 谈论这件事,可以随时找你。 他们可能不想交谈, 但与那些每天生活在 这些永恒画面中的人交流是件好事。 我知道这听起来难以置信, 但我从没被问过这个问题。
Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way. Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection. The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer than even us and her family knew. Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process because of their humor, like this email I received from a woman reader who read the article, declaring, "I will marry you when you are ready --
艾米的文章使我以一种 公开的方式经历了悲伤。 许多读者都联系了我, 用优美的文字写下了他们的想法。 艾米的影响范围广泛而深远, 远超我们和她家人的想象。 我收到的一些回复十分幽默, 帮助我度过了极度悲痛的岁月。 比如,我从一个 读了那篇文章的女读者那儿 收到了这封邮件, “我会嫁给你,当你准备好了——”
(Laughter)
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"provided you permanently stop drinking. No other conditions. I promise to outlive you. Thank you very much."
“只要你保证永远戒酒, 没其他条件了。 我保证比你活得长久。 谢谢。”
Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue. Yet how could I say no to that proposal?
我的确很喜欢龙舌兰酒, 但那真的算不上一个严重的问题。 然而,我怎么能拒绝这个求婚呢?
(Laughter)
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I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend: "I remember Shabbat dinners at your home and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons. Only Amy could find creativity in croutons."
当我读到这封亲朋的信时, 忍不住笑中带泪: “我还记得在你家吃的安息日晚餐, 艾米教我做玉米油炸面包丁。 只有艾米能在面包丁上找到创意。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death, my dad died of complications related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease. I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle? What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss and yet carry on? Was this a test? Why my family and my amazing children? Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission, but the key to my being able to persevere is Amy's expressed and very public edict that I must go on. Throughout this year, I have done just that. I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty that I know this life is capable of providing. But here's the reality: those family gatherings, attending weddings and events honoring Amy, as loving as they are, have all been very difficult to endure. People say I'm amazing. "How do you handle yourself that way during those times?" They say, "You do it with such grace." Well, guess what? I really am sad a lot of the time. I often feel like I'm kind of a mess, and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses, children, parents and other family members.
在 7 月 27 号, 就在艾米去世的几个月后, 我父亲死于 伴随他数十年的帕金森氏症 所引发的并发症。 我不禁想知道:一个人 能承受多少意外和悲痛? 是什么让我们有能力 面对如此悲痛欲绝的失去, 却还能继续或下去? 这是一个测试吗? 为什么偏偏是我的家人 和我可爱的孩子? 我只能遗憾地说, 找寻答案是一个终生的任务, 但让我坚持下来的, 是艾米要我继续生活下去的 公开布告。 今年以来,我就是这样做的。 我尝试走出悲痛, 并寻找据我所知, 生活所能提供的所有喜悦和美好。 但现实却是: 那些家庭聚会, 婚礼和致敬艾米的聚会, 无论多么美好, 全都让我难以承受。 人们说我很了不起。 “你是怎么那段时间的?” 他们说:“你处理得如此优雅。” 事实呢? 大多数时间我都感到伤心欲绝。 我常常感到我的生活一团糟, 其他在世的配偶、孩子、父母 和其他家庭成员 应该也会感同身受。
In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji," which translates as "birth death." There is no separation between life and death other than a thin line that connects the two. Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life, and death, those things we want to get rid of, are said to be faced equally. In this new life that I find myself in, I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving.
在日本禅宗中,有一个词叫“Shoji”, 意思是“新生死亡”。 生死之间没有阻隔, 只由一条细线相连。 新生,或者是生活中 快乐、美好、重要的部分, 还有死亡,或是那些 我们想要摆脱的东西, 都是平等的。 在我的新生活中, 我正尽自己最大的努力去接受这个概念, 好让我在悲伤中艰难前行。
In the early months following Amy's death, though, I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present, that it would be all-consuming. Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice. Many members of the losing-a-spouse club reached out to me. One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating, "Jason, you will find joy." I didn't even know what she was talking about. How was that possible? But because Amy gave me very public permission to also find happiness, I now have experienced joy from time to time. There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert, traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip to meet a group of great guys I never met before. From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day, stepping out in it, laying there, the warmth consuming my body. The joy comes from my three stunning children. There was my son Justin, texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye," with a huge grin on his face.
在艾米逝世后的前几个月, 我确信那种绝望的感觉会永远存在, 它会消耗我全部的精力。 不久后,我得到了 一些很有远见的建议。 “丧偶俱乐部”的许多成员 向我伸出援手。 其中一个同样失去了 人生伴侣的朋友不停地提醒我: “杰森,你会找到快乐的。” 我那时甚至不知道她在说什么。 这怎么可能? 但因为艾米公开地允许了我 去寻找幸福, 我现在不时体验着快乐。 譬如,在一个 LCD 音响系统音乐会上彻夜跳舞, 和我的兄弟以及最好的朋友一起旅行, 或者和大学挚友一同踏上男子汉之旅, 去认识一群从没见过的有趣的伙伴。 在寒冷中,看到印在甲板上的阳光, 走出去,躺在上面, 让温暖融化我的身体。 还有我的三个孩子带来的喜悦。 我的孩子贾斯汀, 给我发了一张 他和一位前臂粗壮有力的 年长绅士的合照,标题写着: “我刚遇到了大力水手。”
(Laughter)
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There was his brother Miles, walking to the train for his first day of work after graduating college, who stopped and looked back at me and asked, "What am I forgetting?" I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this." And my daughter Paris, walking together through Battersea Park in London, the leaves piled high, the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga.
他哥哥麦尔斯在大学毕业后 第一天步行去乘火车上班, 他停下来回头问我, “我有没有忘记什么?” 我当即向他保证, “你 100% 准备好了,你行的。” 还有我的女儿帕丽斯, 我们一起在伦敦巴特西公园散步, 身边是高高堆砌的树叶, 在我们去练瑜伽的路上, 清晨的阳光灿烂夺目。
I would add that beauty is also there to discover, and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety but beauty nonetheless. On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say, "Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that? It's too beautiful for you not to share with me." On the other hand, I now experience these moments in an entirely new way. There was the beauty I found in music, like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album, when the song "The Alien" seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine," or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me," whose chorus reads, "And it's killing me that you're not here with me. I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty." There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer, a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA, like on my morning commute, looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan, or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines at different times of the day in the house we built together; even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow throughout the neighborhood; or peeking into my daughter's room as she's practicing the bass guitar.
我想补充的是,美就在那里, 等待着我们去发现, 我指的是那种侘寂之美, 但仍然是美丽的事物。 一方面,当我看到 这一类东西时,我想说, “艾米,你看到了吗?你听到了吗? 这太美了,你却没能与我一起分享。” 另一方面, 我现在以一种全新的方式 体验着这些瞬间。 我在音乐中发现了音乐之美, 就像最新的曼彻斯特管弦乐队专辑里, 当歌曲《异形》 和谐地过渡到《阳光》的那一瞬间, 或是卢克·西塔尔·辛格(Luke Sital-Singh)的 《杀死我》那萦绕心头的美, 他们合唱道, “你不在我身边,让我痛不欲生。 我过得很幸福,但却愧疚不已。” 这种美丽就在 生活所提供的简单瞬间中, 以这种看世界的方式, 是艾米 DNA 中的一部分, 就像我早上上班的时候, 欣赏密歇根湖反射的阳光; 或是停下来,认真观察光线 在一天的不同时间 是如何照射到 我们共同建造的房子里的; 即使在芝加哥的暴风雪后, 我也会留意堆满整个社区的 新的积雪; 或者当女儿练习贝斯的时候, 偷瞄她的房间。
Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person. I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me. I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief. But whether it's a divorce, losing a job you worked so hard at or having a family member die suddenly or of a slow-moving and painful death, I would like to offer you what I was given: a blank of sheet of paper. What will you do with your intentional empty space, with your fresh start?
别误会,我想说的是, 我是个非常幸运的人。 我有这么棒的家人,爱我、支持我。 在我悲伤的时候, 还有资源能让我继续个人成长。 但不管是离婚, 失去你竭尽全力的工作, 或者有家人突然 或缓慢痛苦地去世时, 我都想给予你们 我所得到的: 一张白纸。 你会如何处理你的专属留白空间, 如何全新开始?
Thank you.
谢谢。
(Applause)
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