I'm going to share with you a paradigm-shifting perspective on the issues of gender violence: sexual assault, domestic violence, relationship abuse, sexual harassment, sexual abuse of children. That whole range of issues that I'll refer to in shorthand as "gender violence issues," they've been seen as women's issues that some good men help out with, but I have a problem with that frame and I don't accept it. I don't see these as women's issues that some good men help out with. In fact, I'm going to argue that these are men's issues, first and foremost. Now obviously --
Do te ndaj me ju nje perspektive paradigm ndaj ceshtjeve te dhunes gjinore-- perdhunim seksual, dhune ne familje, abuzim familjar, abuzim seksual, abuzim seksual i femijeve. Kjo gamë e gjere e ceshtjeve qe to ti referohem une shkurtimisht si " ceshtje te dhunes gjinore," ato jane pare si ceshtje te grave qe disa burra te mire iu kane ndihmuar, por une kam nje problem me kete perkufizim dhe nuk e pranoj. Une nuk e shoh si ceshtje te grave qe po ndihmohet nga disa burra te mire. Ne fakt, une do te argumentoj se keto jane ceshtje te burrave, se pari dhe kryesisht. (Duartroktije)
(Applause)
Obviously, they're also women's issues, so I appreciate that, but calling gender violence a women's issue is part of the problem,
Padyshim, keto jane edhe probleme te grave, keshtu qe e vleresoj ate, por te quajme
for a number of reasons.
dhunen gjinore nje ceshtje grash, eshte pjese e problemit per shume arsye.
The first is that it gives men an excuse not to pay attention, right? A lot of men hear the term "women's issues" and we tend to tune it out, and we think, "I'm a guy; that's for the girls," or "that's for the women." And a lot of men literally don't get beyond the first sentence as a result. It's almost like a chip in our brain is activated, and the neural pathways take our attention in a different direction when we hear the term "women's issues." This is also true, by the way, of the word "gender," because a lot of people hear the word "gender" and they think it means "women." So they think that gender issues is synonymous with women's issues. There's some confusion about the term gender.
Se pari i jep burrave nje justifikim per te mos i kushtuar vemendje gjerave. Apo jo? Shume burra degjojne termin "ceshtje grash" dhe ne tentojme te mos i veme veshin, dhe mendojme, "Hej, une jam djale. Kjo eshte per vajza," ose " Kjo eshte per gra." Dhe shume burra ne te vertete nuk shkojne pertej fjalise se pare si rezultat. Eshte pothuajse sikur aktivizohet nje cip ne trurin tone, dhe e spostojne vemendjen tone ne drejtime te ndryshme kur degjojme termin" ceshtje grash." Kjo gjithashtu eshte e vertet, meqe ra fjala, per fjalen " gjini," sepse shume njerez e degjojne fjalen "gjini" dhe ata mendojne qe do te thote " grua." Pra, ata mendojne se çeshtjet e gjinise jane sininonim i çeshtjeve te grave. Eshte nje farë konfuzioni rreth termit gjini.
And let me illustrate that confusion by way of analogy. So let's talk for a moment about race. In the US, when we hear the word "race," a lot of people think that means African-American, Latino, Asian-American, Native American, South Asian, Pacific Islander, on and on. A lot of people, when they hear the word "sexual orientation" think it means gay, lesbian, bisexual. And a lot of people, when they hear the word "gender," think it means women. In each case, the dominant group doesn't get paid attention to. As if white people don't have some sort of racial identity or belong to some racial category or construct, as if heterosexual people don't have a sexual orientation, as if men don't have a gender. This is one of the ways that dominant systems maintain and reproduce themselves, which is to say the dominant group is rarely challenged to even think about its dominance, because that's one of the key characteristics of power and privilege, the ability to go unexamined, lacking introspection, in fact being rendered invisible, in large measure, in the discourse about issues that are primarily about us. And this is amazing how this works in domestic and sexual violence, how men have been largely erased from so much of the conversation about a subject that is centrally about men.
Dhe faktikisht, me lejoni te ilustroj ate konfuzion ne menyre analogjike. Keshtu, le te flasin pak per racen. Ne Shtetet e Bashkuara, kur degjojme fjalen "racë," shume njerez mendojne se kjo do te thote afrikan-amerikan, latin, aziatik-amerikan, nativ amerikan, irlandez, etj, etj. Shume njerez, kur degjojne fjalen "orientim seksual" mendojne se do te thote, gej, lezbike, biseksual. Dhe shume njerez kur degjojne fjalen " gjini," mendojne se do te thote grua. Ne secilin rast, grupit dominues nuk i kushtohet vemendje. Apo jo? Sikur njerezit e bardhe qe nuk kane ndonje identitet racor ose qe nuk perkasin ndonje kategorie racore, sikur heteroseksualet nuk kane orientim seksual sikur burrat nuk kane gjini. Kjo eshte njera nga menyrat qe ruhet sistemi dominues dhe riprodhon veten, qe do te thote se grupi dominues rralle sfidohet qe te mendoje per dominim, sepse kjo eshte njera nder karakteristikat kryesore te fuqise dhe privilegjit, mundesia per t'u mos kontrolluar, mungesa e analizes se vetvetes, ne fakt behemi te padukshem ne masen me te madhe te diskutimit rreth ceshtjeve qe kryesisht jane per ne. Dhe eshte nje mrekulli se si funksionon, ne dhunen familjare dhe seksuale, sa meshkuj jane fshire nga debati per nje teme e cila kryesisht eshte rreth meshkujve. Dhe une do te ilustroj per cka jam duke folur
And I'm going to illustrate what I'm talking about by using the old tech. I'm old school on some fundamental regards. I make films and I work with high tech, but I'm still old school as an educator, and I want to share with you this exercise that illustrates on the sentence-structure level how the way that we think, literally the way that we use language, conspires to keep our attention off of men. This is about domestic violence in particular, but you can plug in other analogues. This comes from the work of the feminist linguist Julia Penelope.
duke perdorur teknologjine e vjeter. Une jam i shkolles se vjeter ne disa aspekte thelbsore. Une punoj,-- Bej filma-- dhe punoj me teknologji te larte, por si mesimdhenes akoma jam i shkolles se vjeter, dhe dua te ndaj me ju kete ushtrim qe ilustron nivelin e struktures se fjalive se si menyra se si mendojme, faktikisht menyra se si ne perdorim gjuhen, na komploton ta mbajme vemendjen larg meshkujve. Kjo ka te beje me dhunen ne familje ne vecanti, por mund ta vini ne funksion te analogjive te tjera. Kjo duket ne punen e gjuhetares feministe Julia Penelope. Fillon me nje fjali shume bazike ne gjuhen angleze: "Xhoni ka rrahur Merin."
It starts with a very basic English sentence: "John beat Mary." That's a good English sentence. John is the subject, beat is the verb, Mary is the object, good sentence. Now we're going to move to the second sentence, which says the same thing in the passive voice. "Mary was beaten by John." And now a whole lot has happened in one sentence. We've gone from "John beat Mary" to "Mary was beaten by John." We've shifted our focus in one sentence from John to Mary, and you can see John is very close to the end of the sentence, well, close to dropping off the map of our psychic plain. The third sentence, John is dropped, and we have, "Mary was beaten," and now it's all about Mary. We're not even thinking about John, it's totally focused on Mary. Over the past generation, the term we've used synonymous with "beaten" is "battered," so we have "Mary was battered." And the final sentence in this sequence, flowing from the others, is, "Mary is a battered woman." So now Mary's very identity -- Mary is a battered woman -- is what was done to her by John in the first instance. But we've demonstrated that John has long ago left the conversation.
Kjo fjali eshte ne rregull me gjuhen angleze. Xhoni eshte kryefjala. Ka rrahur eshte folja. Meri eshte kundrinori. Fjalia eshte ne rregull. Tani do te vazhdojme tek fjalia e dyte, e cila e thote te njejten gje ne menyren pesore. "Meri eshte rrahur nga Xhoni." Dhe tani shume gjera ndodhin ne nje fjali. Ne kemi levizur nga "Xhoni ka rrahur Merin" te " Meri eshte rrahur nga Xhoni." Ne kemi nderruar fokusin tone ne nje fjali nga Xhoni te Meri, dhe mund te shihni John eshte shume afer fundit te fjalise. Fjalia e trete, Xhoni eshte hequr, dhe ne kemi, " Meri eshte rrahur," dhe tani gjithshka sillet rreth Merit. Ne as qe jemi duke menduar per Xhonin. Totalisht jemi fokusuar tek Meri. Ne gjeneratat e hershme, termi qe kemi perdorur sinonim me "rrahur" eshte "qelluar." pra ne kemi "Meri ishte qelluar." Dhe fjalia e fundit ne kete sekuence, qe rezulton nga te tjerat, eshte, "Meri eshte nje grua e qelluar." Pra identiteti i Merit-- Meri eshte nje grua e qelluar-- eshte ai qe i eshte dhene nga Xhoni ne rradhe te pare. Por ne kemi demostruar qe debati rreth Xhonit eshte shuar kohe me pare. Per ne qe punojme ne fushen e dhunes familjare dhe seksuale e dine se fajesimi i viktimes eshte i perhapur ne kete fushe, qe do te thote, te fajesosh personin te cilit i eshte bere demi
Those of us who work in the domestic and sexual violence field know that victim-blaming is pervasive in this realm, which is to say, blaming the person to whom something was done rather than the person who did it. And we say: why do they go out with these men? Why are they attracted to them? Why do they keep going back? What was she wearing at that party? What a stupid thing to do. Why was she drinking with those guys in that hotel room? This is victim blaming, and there are many reasons for it, but one is that our cognitive structure is set up to blame victims. This is all unconscious. Our whole cognitive structure is set up to ask questions about women and women's choices and what they're doing, thinking, wearing. And I'm not going to shout down people who ask questions about women. It's a legitimate thing to ask. But's let's be clear: Asking questions about Mary is not going to get us anywhere in terms of preventing violence.
me shume sesa personi qe e ka bere ate.. Dhe ne themi gjera si, pse keto femra dalin me keta meshkuj? Pse terhiqen nga keta meshkuj? Pse kthehen te ata? Cka kishte veshur ne mbremje? Cfare budallalleku? Pse po pinte me ate grup djemsh ne ate dhome hoteli? Ky eshte fajesimi i viktimes, dhe ka arsye te shumta per kete, por njera nga keto eshte se e tere sturktura e jone njohese eshte e krijuar ne ate menyre qe te fajesohet viktima. E gjitha kjo eshte pa vetedije. E gjithe struktura e jone kognitive eshte e krijuar per te bere pyetje rreth grave dhe zgjedhjeve te grave dhe cka ato bejne, mendojne, dhe veshin. Dhe une nuk do ti ndaloj njerezit te cilet bejne pyetje per grate, apo jo? Kane arsyet e tyre. Por te jemi te qjarte: Te pyesh pyetje per Merin nuk do te na dergoje askund ne ndalimin e dhunes. Ne duhet te bejme nje lloj te ndryshem pyetjesh. E dini se ku deshiroj te dal me kete, a po jo? Pyetjet nuk jane per Merin. Ato jane per Xhonin. Pyetjet perfshijne gjera si, pse Xhoni rrahu Merin?
We have to ask a different set of questions. The questions are not about Mary, they're about John. They include things like, why does John beat Mary? Why is domestic violence still a big problem in the US and all over the world? What's going on? Why do so many men abuse physically, emotionally, verbally, and other ways, the women and girls, and the men and boys, that they claim to love? What's going on with men? Why do so many adult men sexually abuse little girls and boys? Why is that a common problem in our society and all over the world today? Why do we hear over and over again about new scandals erupting in major institutions like the Catholic Church or the Penn State football program or the Boy Scouts of America, on and on and on? And then local communities all over the country and all over the world. We hear about it all the time. The sexual abuse of children. What's going on with men? Why do so many men rape women in our society and around the world? Why do so many men rape other men? What is going on with men? And then what is the role of the various institutions in our society that are helping to produce abusive men at pandemic rates?
Pse dhuna ne familje eshte akoma nje problem i madh ne Shtetet e Bashkuara dhe rreth e rrotull botes? Cka eshte duke ndodhur? Pse kaq shume burra abuzojne ne menyre fizike, emonocionale, verbale, dhe ne menyra tjera, grate dhe vajzat, dhe burrat dhe djemte, qe ata pretendojne se i dashurojne> Cka eshte duke ndodhur me burrat? Pse shume burra te moshuar abuzojne seksualisht me vajzat e vogla dhe djemte e vegjel? Pse eshte ky nje problem i zakonshem ne shoqerine tone dhe kudo ne bote? Pse degjojme perseri te njejten gje per skandale te reja ne institucione te medha si Kisha Katolike ose programi i futbollit i Penn State ose Boys Scouts of America, etj, etj? Dhe pastaj komunitetet lokale ne te gjithe vendin dhe ne te gjithe boten, apo jo? Ne degjojme per te gjate gjithe kohes. Abuzimi seksual i femijve. Cka eshte duke ndodhur me burrat? Pse kaq shume meshkuj dhunojne femrat ne shoqerine tone dhe rreth botes? Pse meshkujt dhunojne meshkujt? Cka eshte duke ndodhur me meshkuj? Cili eshte roli i institucioneve te ndryshme ne shoqerine tone qe po ndihmojne te prodhojne burra abuzive ne shkalle pandemike. Kjo eshte nje menyre naive e te kuptuarit se cili eshte problemi me i thelle dhe sistematik shoqeror. E dini se, autoret e krimit nuk jane ata
Because this isn't about individual perpetrators. That's a naive way to understanding what is a much deeper and more systematic social problem. The perpetrators aren't these monsters who crawl out of the swamp and come into town and do their nasty business and then retreat into the darkness. That's a very naive notion, right? Perpetrators are much more normal than that, and everyday than that. So the question is, what are we doing here in our society and in the world? What are the roles of various institutions in helping to produce abusive men? What's the role of religious belief systems, the sports culture, the pornography culture, the family structure, economics, and how that intersects, and race and ethnicity and how that intersects? How does all this work?
monstra qe zvarriten neper lluce dhe vine ne qytet te bejne punet te pista dhe pastaj terhiqen ne erresire. Ky eshte nje nocion naiv, a po jo? Autoret e krimit jane shume me shume normal se kjo, cdo dite e me shume. Pra pyetja eshte, cka jemi duke bere ketu ne shoqerine tone dhe ne bote? Cilat jane rolet e institucioneve te ndryshme qe ndihmojne ne prodhimin e burrave abuzivë? Cili eshte roli i sistemit fetar, sportit, pornografise, struktures familjare, ekonomise, si kryqezohen ato? dhe raca dhe etniciteti si kryqezohen? Si funksionon e tera kjo? Dhe keshtu, njehere kur fillojme te bejme keto lidhje dhe te pyesim keto pyetje te rendesishme dhe te medha, pastaj mund te flasin se si mund te jemi transformues, me fjale tjera, si mund te bejme dicka me ndryshme? Si mund te ndryshojme praktikat?
And then, once we start making those kinds of connections and asking those important and big questions, then we can talk about how we can be transformative, in other words, how can we do something differently? How can we change the practices? How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes? These are the kind of questions that we need to be asking and the kind of work that we need to be doing, but if we're endlessly focused on what women are doing and thinking in relationships or elsewhere, we're not going to get to that piece.
Si mund te ndryshojme socializimin e djemve dhe definicionet e burrerise qe na kane sjelle deri te keto rezultate? Keto jane llojet e pyetjeve qe na duhet ti bejme dhe lloji i punes qe ne duhet te bejme, po nese jemi te fokusuar se cka jane duke bere grate dhe te mendojme per marredheniet apo dicka tjeter, ne nuk do te arrijme dot deri aty. Pra, une kuptoj se shume gra te cilat jane perpjekur te flasin per keto ceshtje sot dhe dje dhe me vite e vite, shume shpesh jane sharë per perpjekjet e tyre. Ato etiketohen me emra te ndyre si "male-basher"
I understand that a lot of women who have been trying to speak out about these issues, today and yesterday and for years and years, often get shouted down for their efforts. They get called nasty names like "male-basher" and "man-hater," and the disgusting and offensive "feminazi", right? And you know what all this is about? It's called kill the messenger. It's because the women who are standing up and speaking out for themselves and for other women as well as for men and boys, it's a statement to them to sit down and shut up, keep the current system in place, because we don't like it when people rock the boat. We don't like it when people challenge our power. You'd better sit down and shut up, basically. And thank goodness that women haven't done that. Thank goodness that we live in a world where there's so much women's leadership that can counteract that.
ose "urryese-meshkujsh", dhe "feminazi". Apo jo? Dhe ju e dini se per cka behet fjale? Quhet vrite lajmetarin. Kjo ndodh sepse grate te cilat flasin per veten e tyre dhe per gra tjera po ashtu edhe per burra dhe djem eshte nje deklarate per ta te ulen dhe te mbyllin gojen, te mbajne sistemin aktual ne vend, sepse neve nuk na pelqen kur njerezit trazojne. Ne nuk pelqejme kur njerezit sfidojne fuqite tona. Ju me mire te uleni dhe te mbyllni gojen. Dhe falenderoju zotit qe ajo grua nuk e ka bere ate gje. Falendero zotin qe ne jetojme ne nje bote ku ka shume lidership te grave qe mund te kunderveproje. Por njeri nga rolet e fuqishme qe burrat mund te luajne ne kete ceshtje eshte se ne mund te themi disa gjera qe nganjehere grate nuk mund ti thone, ose, me mire keshtu, ne mund te degjohemi duke thene disa gjera qe shpesh here grate nuk mund te degjohen. Keshtu, une e çmoj qe ky eshte nje problem. Eshte seksizem. Por eshte e vertete. Dhe keshtu nje gje qe ua the meshkujve,
But one of the powerful roles that men can play in this work is that we can say some things that sometimes women can't say, or, better yet, we can be heard saying some things that women often can't be heard saying. Now, I appreciate that that's a problem, it's sexism, but it's the truth. So one of the things that I say to men, and my colleagues and I always say this, is we need more men who have the courage and the strength to start standing up and saying some of this stuff, and standing with women and not against them and pretending that somehow this is a battle between the sexes and other kinds of nonsense. We live in the world together.
dhe kolegeve te mi dhe cdo here e them kete, se neve na duhen me shume meshkuj te çohen e te thone ca gjera, dhe te çohen per femrat dhe jo kunder tyre dhe duke pretenduar se kjo eshte disi nje lufte ndermjet seksualitetit dhe gjerave tjera te pa kuptimta. Ne jetojme bashke ne nje bote . Dhe me qe ra fjala, nje gje qe me te vertete me shqetson rreth disa retorikave kunder feministeve dhe te tjereve qe kane krijuar levizjet e grave te dhunuara dhe krizes se perdhunimit rreth e rrotull botes eshte se disi, sic e thash, se ata jane anti-meshkuj. Po ne lidhje me djemte te cilet thellesisht jane te prekur ne menyre negative nga ndonje mashkull i moshuar qe ushtron dhune ndaj motres se tij, vetes se tij, nenes ?
And by the way, one of the things that really bothers me about some of the rhetoric against feminists and others who have built the battered women's and rape crisis movements around the world is that somehow, like I said, that they're anti-male. What about all the boys who are profoundly affected in a negative way by what some adult man is doing against their mother, themselves, their sisters? What about all those boys? What about all the young men and boys who have been traumatized by adult men's violence? You know what? The same system that produces men who abuse women, produces men who abuse other men. And if we want to talk about male victims, let's talk about male victims. Most male victims of violence are the victims of other men's violence. So that's something that both women and men have in common. We are both victims of men's violence. So we have it in our direct self-interest, not to mention the fact that most men that I know have women and girls that we care deeply about, in our families and our friendship circles and every other way. So there's so many reasons why we need men to speak out. It seems obvious saying it out loud, doesn't it? Now, the nature of the work that I do and my colleagues do in the sports culture and the US military, in schools, we pioneered this approach called the bystander approach to gender-violence prevention.
Po ne lidhje me gjithe keta djem? Po ne lidhje me burrat dhe djemte e rinj te cilet jane traumatizuar nga dhuna e burrave te moshuar? I njejti sitem i cili prodhon burra qe abuzojne gra gjithashtu prodhon burra qe abuzojne burra te tjere. Dhe nese duam te flasim per viktimat meshkuj, le te flasim per viktimat meshkuj Shumica e viktimave meshkuj te dhunes jane viktima te dhunes se meshkujve tjere. Pra, kjo eshte nje gje te cilet te dy meshkujt dhe femrat e kane te perbashket. Ne jemi qe te dy viktima te dhunes se meshkujve Pra ne kemi interest te perbashket, per te mos permendur faktin qe shumica e meshkujve qe une i njoh kane gra dhe vajza qe kujdesen fort, ne familjet tona dhe rrethin shoqeror dhe ne menyra tjera. Keshtu, ka shume arsye pse na duhen meshkuj te ngrijne zerin Duket qarte duke e thene me ze te larte. Apo jo? Tani, natyra e punes qe bej une dhe koleget e mi bejne ne sportet dhe ushtrine e Shteteve te Bashkuara, ne shkolla, ne e kemi filluar kete qasje e quajtur qasja kalimtare per parandalimin e dhunes gjinore. Une dua t'ju jap pasqyrimin e qasjes kalimtare, sepse ky eshte nje ndryshim i madh tematik, edhe pse ka shume vecanti, por pjesa kryesore e saj eshte, ne vend se te shihen burrat si autor krimi dhe grate si viktima, ose grate si autore krimi, burrat si viktima, ose kombinime te tilla. Jam duke perdorur bazen gjinore. E di qe ka me shume
And I just want to give you the highlights of the bystander approach, because it's a big thematic shift, although there's lots of particulars, but the heart of it is, instead of seeing men as perpetrators and women as victims, or women as perpetrators, men as victims, or any combination in there. I'm using the gender binary. I know there's more than men and women, there's more than male and female. And there are women who are perpetrators, and of course there are men who are victims. There's a whole spectrum. But instead of seeing it in the binary fashion, we focus on all of us as what we call bystanders, and a bystander is defined as anybody who is not a perpetrator or a victim in a given situation, so in other words friends, teammates, colleagues, coworkers, family members, those of us who are not directly involved in a dyad of abuse, but we are embedded in social, family, work, school, and other peer culture relationships with people who might be in that situation. What do we do? How do we speak up? How do we challenge our friends? How do we support our friends? But how do we not remain silent in the face of abuse?
se burra dhe gra, ka me shume se meshkuj dhe femra. Dhe ka gra te cilat jane autore krimi, dhe sigurisht qe ka meshkuj te cilet jane viktima. Eshte nje spekter i tere. Por ne vend se ta shohim ate ne menyre binare, ne fokusohemi tek te gjithe ne në ate qe ne quajme kalimtare, dhe nje kalimtar definohet si cdokush i cili nuk eshte nje autor krimi ose viktime ne situata te caktuara, pra, me fjale tjera, shoket, shoket e grupi, koleget, pjestaret e familjes, ata te cilet nuk jane te pershire drejtperdrejt ne dyshen e abuzimit, por jemi te ngulitur ne marredhenie, shoqerore, familjare, shkollore, dhe te tjera marredhenie kulturore me njerez te cilet mund te jene ne ate situate. Cfarë bejme ne? Si i mbeshtesim shoket tanë? Por si te mos mbesim te heshtur ne prani te abuzimit? Keshtu, kur vjen puna te burrat dhe kultura mashkullore, qellimi eshte te marrim burra te cilet nuk jane abuziv te sfidojne ata te cilet jane. Dhe kur them abuziv, nuk dua te them vetem burrat te cilet rrahin gra. Ne nuk po themi nje burre shoku i te cilit eshte duke abuzuar me te dashuren e vet duhet te ndal djalin ne momentin e sulmit. Kjo eshte nje menyre naive per te krjiuar ndryshim shoqeror.
Now, when it comes to men and male culture, the goal is to get men who are not abusive to challenge men who are. And when I say abusive, I don't mean just men who are beating women. We're not just saying a man whose friend is abusing his girlfriend needs to stop the guy at the moment of attack. That's a naive way of creating a social change. It's along a continuum, we're trying to get men to interrupt each other. So, for example, if you're a guy and you're in a group of guys playing poker, talking, hanging out, no women present, and another guy says something sexist or degrading or harassing about women, instead of laughing along or pretending you didn't hear it, we need men to say, "Hey, that's not funny. that could be my sister you're talking about, and could you joke about something else? Or could you talk about something else? I don't appreciate that kind of talk." Just like if you're a white person and another white person makes a racist comment, you'd hope, I hope, that white people would interrupt that racist enactment by a fellow white person. Just like with heterosexism, if you're a heterosexual person and you yourself don't enact harassing or abusive behaviors towards people of varying sexual orientations, if you don't say something in the face of other heterosexual people doing that, then, in a sense, isn't your silence a form of consent and complicity?
Eshte nje vazhdimesi e gjate, ku ne jemi perpjekur qe ti bejme burrat te pengojne njeri tjetrin. Keshtu, per shembull, nese jeni nje djale dhe jeni ne nje grup te djemve duke luajtur poker, duke folur, pa femra per rreth dhe nje djale tjeter thote dicka seksiste ose degradon ose ngacmohet per nje femer, ne vend se te qeshni me te ose te pretendoni qe nuk e degjuat, ne na duhen meshkuj qe thone, " Hej, kjo nuk eshte qesharake. Shiko, ajo mund te jete motra ime, dhe a mund te besh shaka per dicka tjeter? Ose a mund te flasim per dicka tjeter? Une nuk e vlersoj kete lloj te te folurit." Po sikur te jeni nje person i bardhe dhe nje tjeter person i bardhe bene nje koment racist, duhet te shpresosh, une shpresoj, qe njerezit e bardhe do ta nderpresin ate sjellje raciste nga nje person i bardhe. Ashtu sikur te heteroseksizmi, nese jeni nje heteroseksual dhe ju nuk angazhoheni kunder sjelljeve ngacmuese dhe abuzive drejt njerezve me orientim te ndryshem seksual, nese nuk u thoni ne fytyre heterseksulave te tjere, atehere, me nje fjale, heshtja juaj nuk eshte nje forme e pelqimit dhe pjesemarjes? Keshtu, qasja kalimtare perpiqet tu jape njerezve mjete per te nderprere ate proces dhe te flasin dhe te krijojne nje kulture te barabarte ku sjellja abuzive do te shihet si e papranushme jo sepse eshte ilegale, por sepse eshte e gabuar dhe e papranushme ne kulturen e barabarte. Nese ne mund te kemi nje vend ku burrat te cilet veprojne ne menyre seksiste do humbin statusin, burrat e rinj dhe djemte te cilet veprojne ne menyre seksiste
Well, the bystander approach is trying to give people tools to interrupt that process and to speak up and to create a peer culture climate where the abusive behavior will be seen as unacceptable, not just because it's illegal, but because it's wrong and unacceptable in the peer culture. And if we can get to the place where men who act out in sexist ways will lose status, young men and boys who act out in sexist and harassing ways towards girls and women, as well as towards other boys and men, will lose status as a result of it, guess what? We'll see a radical diminution of the abuse. Because the typical perpetrator is not sick and twisted. He's a normal guy in every other way, isn't he?
dhe ngacmuese kundrejt vajzave dhe grave, po ashtu edhe kundrejt djemve dhe burrave tjere, do te humbasin statusin si rezultat i saj, e dini cfare? Do te shohim nje zvoglim radikal te abuzimit Sepse autori tipik i krimit nuk eshte i semure dhe i lajthitur. Ai eshte nje njeri normal. Apo jo? Keshtu, ndermjet shume gjerave te mrekullushme qe Martin Luther King tha ne jeten e tij te shkurter, " Ne fund, cka do te dhemb me se shumti nuk jane fjalet e armikut por heshtja e shokeve tane." Ne fund, cka do te dhemb me se shumti nuk jane fjalet e armiqve por heshtja e shokeve tane. Ka qene nje heshtje e madhe ne kulturen mashkullore rreth kesaj tragjedie te vazhdueshme te dhunes se burrave
Now, among the many great things that Martin Luther King said in his short life was, "In the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." In the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends. There's been an awful lot of silence in male culture about this ongoing tragedy of men's violence against women and children, hasn't there? There's been an awful lot of silence. And all I'm saying is that we need to break that silence, and we need more men to do that.
ndaj grave dhe femijeve, apo jo? Dhe krejt cka une po them eshte se ne duhet ta thyejme qetesine, dhe na duhen me shume burra ta bejne ate. Atehere, eshte me lehte te thuhet sesa te behet, nga qe une jam duke e thene kete tani, por po ju them se nuk eshte e lehte ne kulturen mashkullore qe djemte te sfidojne njeri tjetrin, qe eshte njera nga arsyet pse nje pjese e ndryshimit te paradigmes qe duhet te ndodhe nuk eshte qe te kuptohen keto ceshtje si ceshtje te djemve, por keto gjithashtu jane ceshtje lidershipi per burrat. Ne fund te fundit, pergjegjesia per te marre pozicion ne keto ceshtje nuk duhet te bije ne krahet e djemve te vegjel ose adoleshenteve ne shkolla te mesme
Now, it's easier said than done, because I'm saying it now, but I'm telling you it's not easy in male culture for guys to challenge each other, which is one of the reasons why part of the paradigm shift that has to happen is not just understanding these issues as men's issues, but they're also leadership issues for men. Because ultimately, the responsibility for taking a stand on these issues should not fall on the shoulders of little boys or teenage boys in high school or college men. It should be on adult men with power. Adult men with power are the ones we need to be holding accountable for being leaders on these issues, because when somebody speaks up in a peer culture and challenges and interrupts, he or she is being a leader, really. But on a big scale, we need more adult men with power to start prioritizing these issues, and we haven't seen that yet, have we?
ose atyre ne kolegj. Duhet te jete nje njeri i rritur me pushtet. Njerez te rritur me pushtet jane te duhurit qe na duhet ne per te qene lider ne keto ceshtje, sepse kur dikush flet ne kulture te barabarte dhe sfidon, ai ose ajo eshte nje lider, a po jo? Ne na duhen me shume burra me pushtet per te filluar ti vendosin ne prioritet keto ceshtje, dhe nuk e kemi pare kete gje akoma, apo jo? Keshtu, isha ne nje darke vite me pare, dhe une punoj gjeresisht me ushtrine e Shteteve te Bashkuara, te gjitha sherbimet. Isha ne kete darke dhe nje grua me thote--, Une mendoj se iu duka si tip i zgjuar-- dhe me tha, " Pra, sa kohe keni qe beni trajnime rreth sensibilitetit me marinsat?" Dhe une thash, " Me gjithe respektin, une nuk merrem me trajnime sensibiliteti te marinsave. Une kam nje program lidershipi ne Trupat e Marines." E di qe eshte bombastike pergjigja ime, por eshte nje ndryshim i rendesishem, sepse une nuk besoj
Now, I was at a dinner a number of years ago, and I work extensively with the US military, all the services. And I was at this dinner and this woman said to me -- I think she thought she was a little clever -- she said, "So how long have you been doing sensitivity training with the Marines?"
qe neve na duhet nje trajnim sensitiv. Ne kemi nevoje per trajnim lidershipi, sepse, per shembull, kur nje trajner profesionist ose nje menaxher i ndonje klubi bejsbolli ose futbolli-- bene nje koment seksist, ben nje deklarate homofobike,
And I said, "With all due respect, I don't do sensitivity training with the Marines. I run a leadership program in the Marine Corps."
ben ndonje koment racor, do te kete diskutime ne blogjet sportive dhe ne emisionet sportive ne radio. Dhe disa njerez do te thone, " Mire, ai ka nevoje per trajnim sensitiviteti."
Now, I know it's a bit pompous, my response, but it's an important distinction, because I don't believe that what we need is sensitivity training. We need leadership training, because, for example, when a professional coach or a manager of a baseball team or a football team -- and I work extensively in that realm as well -- makes a sexist comment, makes a homophobic statement, makes a racist comment, there will be discussions on the sports blogs and in sports talk radio. And some people will say, "He needs sensitivity training." Other people will say, "Well, get off it. That's political correctness run amok, he made a stupid statement, move on." My argument is, he doesn't need sensitivity training. He needs leadership training, because he's being a bad leader, because in a society with gender diversity and sexual diversity --
Dhe njerez te tjere do te thone, " Do ti heqim qafe. Argumenti im eshte, ai nuk ka nevoje per trajnim senstiviteti. Ai ka nevoje per trajnim lidershipi, sepse ai eshte nje lider i keq, sepse ne shpqeri me diversitet gjinor dhe diversitet seksual-- (Duartrokitje)- dhe diversiteti racor dhe diversiteti etnik, ju beni keto lloj kometesh, ju deshtoni ne lidershipin tuaj. Neqofte se ne mund te bejme kete ceshtje per burra dhe gra te fuqishme ne kete shoqeri ne te gjitha nivelet e autoritetit dhe fuqise institucionale, do ta ndryshoje, do ta ndryshoje paradigmen e te menduarit tek njerezit. Per shembull, une punoj shume ne programet sportive ne universitetin e Amerikes se Veriut. Ne dime mire se si te ndalojme dhunen seksuale dhe ate ne familje, apo jo? Nuk ka arsyetim per nje kolegj ose universitet
(Applause)
per te mos pasur trajnim per ndalimin e dhunes seksuale dhe dhunes ne familje
and racial and ethnic diversity, you make those kind of comments, you're failing at your leadership. If we can make this point that I'm making to powerful men and women in our society at all levels of institutional authority and power, it's going to change the paradigm of people's thinking.
e mandatuar per te gjithe studentet, trajneret, adminstratoret, si pjese e procesit te tyre te edukimit. Ne dime se ne shume lehte mund ta bejme ate. Por a e dini cfare mungon? Lidershipi. Por, nuk eshte lidershipi i atleteve studente. Por eshte lidership i drejtorit, presidenti i universitetit, njerezit pergjegjes
You know, for example, I work a lot in college and university athletics throughout North America. We know so much about how to prevent domestic and sexual violence, right? There's no excuse for a college or university to not have domestic and sexual violence prevention training mandated for all student athletes, coaches, administrators, as part of their educational process. We know enough to know that we can easily do that. But you know what's missing? The leadership. But it's not the leadership of student athletes. It's the leadership of the athletic director, the president of the university, the people in charge who make decisions about resources and who make decisions about priorities in the institutional settings. That's a failure, in most cases, of men's leadership.
qe marrin vendim rreth burimeve dhe kush merr vendime per prioritetet ne kuader te institucionit. Ky eshte nje deshtim, ne shumicen e rasteve te lidershipit te burrave. Shikoni Penn State. Penn State eshte nje nene per te gjithe momentet mesimore ne qasjen kalimatre. Ju kishit shume situata ne ate fushe ku burrat ne pozita me pushtet deshtojne ne mbrojtjen e femijeve, ne kete rast, djemte. Eshte me te vertete, e pabesushme. Por kur merresh me ta, ju kuptoni ka presione tek burrat. Ka disa kufizime brenda kulturave te barabarta tek burrat, kjo eshte aryeja pse duhet te inkurajojme burrat ti kalojne keto presione. Dhe nje nga menyrat per te bere ate eshte te themi ka shume burra qe interesohen per keto ceshtje. E di kete. Une punoj me burra,
Look at Penn State. Penn State is the mother of all teachable moments for the bystander approach. You had so many situations in that realm where men in powerful positions failed to act to protect children, in this case, boys. It's unbelievable, really. But when you get into it, you realize there are pressures on men. There are constraints within peer cultures on men, which is why we need to encourage men to break through those pressures.
tha kam punuar me dhjetra e qindra, qindra e mijera burra per shume, e shume dekada. Eshte shume e frikshme kur mendon per kete gje, sa vite. Por jane shume burra te cilet interesohen per keto ceshtje, por te interesohem shume nuk mjafton. Ne na duhen me shume burra qe kane guxim, me kurajo, me fuqi, me integritet moral per te thyer heshtjen tone dhe sfiduar njeri tjetrin per te qendruar me grate dhe jo kunder tyre. Meqe ra fjala, ua kemi borxh grave.
And one of the ways to do that is to say there's an awful lot of men who care deeply about these issues. I know this, I work with men, and I've been working with tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of men for many decades now. It's scary, when you think about it, how many years. But there's so many men who care deeply about these issues, but caring deeply is not enough. We need more men with the guts, with the courage, with the strength, with the moral integrity to break our complicit silence and challenge each other and stand with women and not against them.
Nuk ka pyetje per kete, Por ne gjithashtu ua kemi borxh djemve tane. Ne gjithashtu u kemi borxh edhe djemve te rinj te cilet po rriten ane e mbane botes ne situata ku ata nuk e bene zgjedhjen per te qene nje burre i cili u thote atyre se burreria eshte nje forme e caktuar. Ne te cilet kemi nje zgjedhje kemi nje mundesi dhe nje pergjegjesi per ata po ashtu. Une shpresoj se, burrat dhe grate te punojne se bashku, mund te nisin ndryshimin dhe transformimin qe do te ndodhe, keshtu qe gjenerata te reja nuk do te kene nivelin e tragjedise
By the way, we owe it to women. There's no question about it. But we also owe it to our sons. We also owe it to young men who are growing up all over the world in situations where they didn't make the choice to be a man in a culture that tells them that manhood is a certain way. They didn't make the choice. We that have a choice, have an opportunity and a responsibility to them as well.
me te cilat ne merremi per dite. E di qe mund t'ja dalim. Ne mund te bejme me mire. Faleminderit shume. ( Duartroktije)
I hope that, going forward, men and women, working together, can begin the change and the transformation that will happen so that future generations won't have the level of tragedy that we deal with on a daily basis.
I know we can do it, we can do better.
Thank you very much.