So, asking for help is basically the worst, right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of things people fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there. Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible.
基本上,求助是最糟糕的,對吧? 我其實從來沒有 在人類最恐懼的十件事 排行榜上看過它, 通常都會有公開演說, 以及死亡, 但我很確定它一定屬於前十名。 雖然,在許多意義上, 害怕承認自己需要協助 是件很蠢的事, 不論求助的對象是親人、朋友, 或同事,或甚至陌生人, 開口求助總是不知怎麼地 讓我們感到不舒服和不好意思, 當然,這就是為什麼大部分人 會在所能範圍內盡量避免求助。
My father was one of those legions of fathers who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid, we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleaded with him to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here.
我爸爸就是那種很常見的老爸, 我發誓,他寧可把車 開過內有鱷魚的沼澤, 也不願意找人問路。 我小時候,我們全家去渡假。 我們從南澤西的家開車 前往殖民地威廉斯堡。 我記得我們嚴重迷路。 我和我媽媽懇求他 把車靠邊停,找人詢問 要怎麼回到幹道上, 他就是拒絕, 而且還保證我們沒有迷路, 他只是一直想知道 這裡有什麼所以來看看。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
So if we're going to ask for help -- and we have to, we all do, practically every day -- the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone, they're actually going to say yes. And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying and rewarding to help you, because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.
所以,如果我們要求助—— 且其實我們所有人 每天都會需要求助—— 只有一種辦法能夠很自在地去求助, 那就是變得擅長求助, 增加當你去向某人求助時, 那個人會答應的機率。 且,不只如此,他們還會覺得協助你 是件很讓人滿足、很有價值的事, 因為,這麼一來,他們就會 有動機在未來繼續幫助你。
So research that I and some of my colleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it. Out loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call "the illusion of transparency" -- basically, the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and then spontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really bad assumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are, but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they can support you.
我和我的一些同事做了研究, 解釋了為什麼當我們尋求協助時, 有些人會答應, 有些人會拒絕。 讓我就從這麼說開始: 如果你需要協助, 你就一定得要說出來。 大聲說出來。好嗎? 在某種程度上, 我們都有心理學家所謂的 「被洞悉錯覺」—— 基本上,它就是誤信 我們的思想、我們的感覺, 以及我們的需求 都很明顯,能被別人看出來。 這不是真的,但我們卻相信。 所以,我們幾乎就是等著 別人注意到我們的需求, 然後自動自發地來幫助我們。 這真的是種很糟的假設。 事實上,不僅是 說出你的需求很困難, 就連你身邊的人,通常也很難了解 他們要如何支助你。
My partner has actually had to adopt a habit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, much more, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be. So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it. And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it? Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did not actually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, don't they?
我的另一半還得要養成一種習慣, 每天要問我很多次 「你還好嗎?你需要什麼嗎?」 因為我非常不擅長表現出 我需要別人的幫助。 他實在對我太有耐心了, 且他也太太太主動提供協助, 我們都無法期望其他人 能做到像他這樣。 所以,如果你需要幫助, 你就得求助。 順便一提,就算別人 看得出你需要幫助, 他們又怎麼知道 你想要他們的幫助? 你有沒有遇過,你主動 提供協助給某個人, 結果這個人其實 根本不想要你幫忙? 他們馬上就變臉,對吧?
The other day -- true story -- my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.
有一天——這是真實故事—— 我的十多歲的女兒在更衣準備上學, 而我決定主動提供這方面的協助。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And so I said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and try to find something a little less somber.
我剛好認為,她穿亮色會很好看。 而她則偏好比較暗的顏色, 比較中性的色調。 所以,我非常熱心地說 我認為她可以考慮回到樓上, 試著找件不那麼灰暗的衣服。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
So, if looks could kill, I would not be standing here right now. We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requests for help. So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right? There's no getting around it.
如果用瞪的可以殺人, 我現在就不會活著站在這裡了。 我們真的不能怪其他人 不主動協助我們, 因為我們其實不知道 對方是否想要被幫助。 事實上,研究顯示, 在工作場所中, 同事間提供給彼此的協助, 有九成都是因為 對方有明確要求協助。 所以,你必須要說出 「我需要你幫忙」這句話。 沒有其他方式。
Now, to be good at it, to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.
那麼,若要擅長求助, 若要確保當你求助時, 對方真的會伸出援手, 記住以下幾件事情會很有助益。
First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don't actually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. Nobody wants to give bad help. Like me, you probably get some of these requests from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect" or "pick your brain." I ignore these requests literally every time. And it's not that I'm not a nice person. It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested. Nobody is. I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me, because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind. So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company," or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project in an area I know you're interested in," or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school." Technically, I can't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor, but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.
第一:當你求助時, 要非常非常明確說出你想要 什麼樣的協助,以及為什麼。 模糊、間接地請求協助 不太能夠幫助對方 提供幫助給你,對吧? 我們不知道你希望我們做些什麼, 同樣重要的是, 我們也不知道我們 能不能成功幫助你。 沒有人想要給予沒用的幫助。 你可能也跟我一樣,常常會在 LinkedIn(職場社交平台)上 收到一些陌生人的請求, 他們想要類似「喝杯咖啡 聚一聚,連結彼此」 或「跟你請教一下」。 我真的每次都會直接忽略這些請求。 並不是我不是好人, 只是如果我不清楚你想要我做什麼, 比如你希望我能幫上什麼忙, 那我就沒興趣。 沒人會有興趣。 如果他們能直接來找我, 說出他們想從我這裡得到什麼, 我反而會感興趣許多, 因為我很肯定他們 腦中有很明確的想法。 所以,儘管說出來: 「我希望能討論看看 是否有機會到你的公司工作。」 或「我想要提議一項聯合研究計畫, 我知道這是你會有興趣的研究領域。」 或「我想聽聽你對於 就讀醫學院的建議。」 技術上來說,最後 那個例子我幫不上忙, 因為我不是「醫生」,我是博士, 但我能夠引介你去找能幫上忙的人。
OK, second tip. This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. Do any of these sound familiar?
好,第二項要訣。 這項非常重要: 請避免免責聲明、道歉,和賄賂。 非常重要。 以下這些聽起來耳熟嗎?
(Clears throat)
(清喉嚨)
'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."
「很抱歉我得要拜託你這件事。」 「我真的很不想用這件事煩你。」 「如果能不找你幫忙, 我就不會來找你了。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help, they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hated having to ask me for help? And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers. When you have a relationship with someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship. It's how we show one another that we care. If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude -- perfectly fine. An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment is not.
有時,感覺好像大家很想要證明 他們在向你求助時 其實並不軟弱和貪心, 他們完全沒注意到這些說法 會讓你感覺多麼不舒服。 順便一提——如果你真的 很不想向我求助, 我怎麼可能會覺得 幫助你是讓人滿足的事? 且,雖然如果請陌生人幫助你, 付錢給他是非常可接受的事, 但若你要用錢鼓勵的對象 是你的朋友和同事, 你就得要格外小心。 如果你和某人有關係存在, 彼此幫助其實很自然 就是那段關係的一部分。 我們用這種方式 向對方展現我們在乎他。 如果你讓關係涉及到獎勵或付款, 可能就會讓原本的關係 感覺不再是關係了, 反而像是交易。 那其實會讓人有距離感, 很諷刺的是,這麼做 反而會讓對方比較不想幫你。 所以,在對方協助你之後, 不刻意地送個禮物來表示謝意—— 完全可行。 付錢請你最要好的朋友幫你搬家, 不可行。
OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text. Really, seriously, please don't. Email and text are impersonal. I realize sometimes there's no alternative, but mostly what happens is, we like to ask for help over email and text because it feels less awkward for us to do so. You know what else feels less awkward over email and text? Telling you no. And it turns out, there's research to support this. In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than a request made by email. So when something is really important and you really need someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone --
好,第三條規則, 對這條,我是很認真的: 請不要用電子郵件 或文字訊息來求助。 我是說真的,請不要這麼做。 電子郵件和文字訊息很沒人情味。 我知道有時是沒有其他選擇, 但大部分的情況是, 我們想要透過電子郵件 和文字訊息來求助, 因為我們用這種方式 感覺比較不尷尬。 你知道透過電子郵件和文字訊息 做什麼也會感覺比較不尷尬嗎? 拒絕你。 結果發現,有研究支持這個論點。 比起用電子郵件求助, 親自去求助,對方 答應的機率反而高三十倍。 所以,如果有很重要的事 你真的需要別人幫忙, 找時間去當面求助, 或是把手機當「電話」來使用——
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
to ask for the help that you need.
來尋求你需要的協助。
OK. Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward. There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?
好。 最後一項,這一項真的非常重要, 可能是在求助時最會被大家忽略的: 當你向某人求助,對方也答應了, 還要有後續追蹤。 有一種常見的誤解,那就是 協助人的行為本身 會讓人覺得很有價值。 不是這樣的。 會讓人覺得有價值的部分, 是知道你提供的幫助有用, 有所影響, 知道你造成了不同。 如果我不知道我的協助 對你有什麼影響, 我會對它有什麼感受?
This happened; I was a university professor for many years, I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school. And probably about 95 percent of them, I have no idea what happened. Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you, if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted? In fact, this idea of feeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive -- because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect that your help is going to have.
我遇過一件事;我之前 當了很多年的大學教授, 我寫過非常多推薦信, 推薦別人找工作或是讀研究所。 當中大概有 95% 我都不知道後來結果如何。 我如果不知道我有沒有幫上忙, 我對我花在推薦上的 時間心力會有什麼感覺? 我的推薦真的有幫你達到目標嗎? 事實上,這種有幫上忙的感覺, 正是某些懇求捐助的請求 能如此有說服力的原因之一—— 因為它們能讓你很生動地想像出 你的幫助會帶來什麼效益。
Take something like DonorsChoose. You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you're going to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they've requested, like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating. An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do, that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.
以 DonorsChoose(組織)為例。 你可以上網,依照名字 來選擇某一位老師, 你可以去協助他的班級, 直接購買他們很明確需求的物品, 比如顯微鏡、筆電, 或有彈性的坐椅。 像這樣的捐助請求, 讓我可以很容易想像出 我的錢能夠做什麼善事, 在我決定要捐助時, 我馬上就可以有種幫上忙的感覺。
But you know what else they do? They follow up. Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom. They get pictures. They get to know that they made a difference. And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people to continue to give us help over the long term. Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale, or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get. Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible for you to get through a tough time. Take time to tell your catsitter that you're super happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away, and so they must have done a really good job.
但,你知道它們還會做什麼嗎? 後續追蹤。 捐贈者會收到班上孩子寫來的信。 他們會收到照片。 他們能知道他們造成了不同。 我們所有人在日常生活中 都應該要這麼做, 這樣我們才能讓別人 長期繼續提供我們協助。 花點時間,告訴你的同事, 他們給你的協助真的 讓你成交了一筆大生意, 或是讓你取得了 你一直盼望的面試機會。 花點時間,告訴你的另一半, 他們給予你的支持 真的幫助你渡過低潮。 花點時間,告訴幫你照顧貓的人, 你超級開心,因為出於某種原因, 這次你出遠門時, 你的貓沒有打破任何東西, 所以一定是他們把貓顧得很好。
The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, I know -- that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid to do it. It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone. Nobody succeeds in a vacuum. More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.
結果就是: 我知道——相信我,我知道—— 要開口求助並不容易。 我們都有一點害怕求助。 求助讓我們感到脆弱。 但,現代工作 和現代生活的現實就是, 沒有人能只靠自己。 沒有人能獨自一人成功。 我們比以往更需要仰賴其他人, 仰賴他們的支持和合作, 才有可能成功。
So when you need help, ask for it out loud. And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because you both deserve it.
所以,當你需要協助時, 只管大聲說出來。 當你求助時, 要用能讓對方更有可能 答應的方式來求助, 並且讓對方覺得 能幫到你是件很棒的事, 因為這是你們雙方都應得的。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)