So, asking for help is basically the worst, right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of things people fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there. Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible.
Tražiti pomoć je nešto najgore, zar ne? To u stvari nikada nisam videla na jednoj od onih lista top deset stvari kojih se ljudi plaše, kao što je javni nastup i smrt, ali sam prilično sigurna da tamo pripada. Iako je na mnogo načina blesavo plašiti se da priznamo da nam treba pomoć, bilo da je od voljene osobe ili od prijatelja ili kolege ili čak od stranca, nekako se uvek čini pomalo neprijatno i sramotno zapravo tražiti pomoć, zbog čega, naravno, većina nas pokušava da izbegne da traži pomoć kad god je to u ljudskoj moći.
My father was one of those legions of fathers who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid, we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleaded with him to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here.
Moj otac je bio jedan od mnogih očeva koji bi, kunem se, radije vozio kroz močvaru punu aligatora nego tražio pomoć od nekog da se vrati na put. Kada sam bila dete, išli smo na porodični odmor. Vozili smo se od naše kuće u Južnom Džersiju do Kolonijalnog Vilijamsburga. I sećam se da smo se baš izgubili. Majka i ja smo ga molile da lepo stane i pita nekog kako da se vrati na autoput, što je apsolutno odbio, i, u stvari, uverio nas da se nismo izgubili, da je samo oduvek želeo da zna šta ima ovde.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So if we're going to ask for help -- and we have to, we all do, practically every day -- the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone, they're actually going to say yes. And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying and rewarding to help you, because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.
Pa, ako ćemo tražiti pomoć - a moramo, i to svi, svakog dana - jedini način da nam to ikada bude prijatno je da postanemo dobri u tome, da zapravo povećamo šanse da, kada tražimo pomoć od nekog, oni u stvari odgovore potvrdno. I ne samo to, već da se zapravo osećaju zadovoljno i korisno što su vam pomogli, jer će tako biti motivisani da vam i dalje pomažu i ubuduće.
So research that I and some of my colleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it. Out loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call "the illusion of transparency" -- basically, the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and then spontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really bad assumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are, but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they can support you.
Istraživanje koje smo ja i neke moje kolege uradili je rasvetlilo zašto ponekad ljudi kažu „da“ kada tražimo pomoć, a zašto ponekad kažu „ne“. Dozvolite da vam odmah kažem: ako vam treba pomoć, moraćete da je tražite. Naglas. Ok? Svi mi, u nekoj meri, patimo od nečega što psiholozi nazivaju iluzija transparentnosti - u suštini, pogrešnog verovanja da su naše misli, osećanja i potrebe skroz očigledne drugim ljudima. To nije tačno, ali mi verujemo u to. I tako, mi uglavnom stojimo i čekamo da neko primeti naše potrebe i da nam onda spontano ponudi pomoć. Ovo je stvarno, stvarno loša pretpostavka. U stvari, ne samo da je jako teško prepoznati koje su naše potrebe, nego se čak i vama bliski ljudi često muče da razumeju kako vam mogu pružiti podršku.
My partner has actually had to adopt a habit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, much more, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be. So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it. And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it? Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did not actually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, don't they?
Moj partner je zapravo morao da stekne naviku da me više puta na dan pita „Jesi li ok? Da li ti treba nešto?“ jer sam ja jako, jako loša u signaliziranju za pomoć. On je mnogo strpljiviji nego što zaslužujem i mnogo proaktivniji, mnogo više posvećen pomaganju nego što bilo ko od nas ima pravo da očekuje od drugih ljudi da budu. Znači, ako vam treba pomoć, moraćete da je tražite. I da, čak i kada neko ume da prepozna da vam treba pomoć, kako da znaju da je želite? Jeste li ikada pokušali dobrovoljno da pomognete nekome ko, ipak, uopšte nije želeo vašu pomoć? Brzo postanu bezobrazni, zar ne?
The other day -- true story -- my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.
Pre neki dan - istinita priča - moja ćerka tinejdžerka se oblačila za školu, i odlučila sam da joj dobrovoljno pomognem sa tim.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And so I said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and try to find something a little less somber.
Ja, eto, mislim da izgleda sjajno u svetlijim bojama. Ona, pak, više voli tamne, neutralnije tonove. Pa sam joj rekla, vrlo dobronamerno, da mislim da bi možda mogla da se vrati gore i proba da nađe nešto manje tmurno.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So, if looks could kill, I would not be standing here right now. We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requests for help. So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right? There's no getting around it.
Da pogled može da ubije, ja ne bih stajala sada ovde. Stvarno ne možemo kriviti druge što nam spontano ne nude pomoć kada zapravo ne znamo da to želimo. U stvari, istraživanje pokazuje da je 90 procenata pomoći koju kolege pružaju jedni drugima na poslu odgovor na konkretne zahteve za pomoć. Tako da ćete morati da izgovorite reči: „Treba mi tvoja pomoć.“ Dobro? Nema izbegavanja.
Now, to be good at it, to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.
Da biste bili dobri u tome, da bi vam ljudi u stvari pomogli kada im tražite pomoć, ima nekoliko korisnih stvari koje treba da zapamtite.
First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don't actually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. Nobody wants to give bad help. Like me, you probably get some of these requests from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect" or "pick your brain." I ignore these requests literally every time. And it's not that I'm not a nice person. It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested. Nobody is. I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me, because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind. So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company," or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project in an area I know you're interested in," or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school." Technically, I can't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor, but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.
Prvo: kada tražite pomoć, budite vrlo, vrlo konkretni o pomoći kakvu želite i zašto. Nejasni, pomalo indirektni zahtevi za pomoć i nisu baš od pomoći pomagaču, zar ne? Mi u stvari ne znamo šta želite od nas, i što je jednako važno, ne znamo da li ćemo uspeti da vam pružimo pomoć. Niko ne želi da pruži lošu pomoć. Kao i ja, i vi verovatno dobijate neke od ovih ponuda od zaista prijatnih stranaca na LinkedIn-u koji žele npr. „da se nađete na kafi i upoznate“ ili „da vas pitaju za mišljenje.“ Ignorišem ove zahteve bukvalno svaki put. I nije da nisam fina osoba. Nego kada ne znam šta želite od mene, npr. kakvu pomoć očekujete od mene, nisam zainteresovana. Niko nije. Bila bih mnogo zainteresovanija kad bi prosto iskreno rekli šta je to što im treba od mene, jer sam prilično sigurna da imaju nešto konkretno na umu. Samo napred i kažite: „Nadao sam se da ćemo pričati o mogućnosti zaposlenja u Vašoj firmi,“ ili „Voleo bih da predložim zajedničko istraživanje u oblasti za koju znam da Vas zanima,“ ili „Voleo bih Vaš savet za upis u medicinsku školu.“ Tehnički, sa ovim poslednjim vam ne mogu pomoći jer nisam takva vrsta doktora, ali vas mogu usmeriti na nekog ko bi mogao.
OK, second tip. This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. Do any of these sound familiar?
Ok, drugi savet. Ovo je stvarno važno: molim vas izbegavajte poricanje, izvinjavanje i podmićivanje. Vrlo, vrlo važno. Da li vam išta od ovog zvuči poznato?
(Clears throat)
(Nakašljava se)
'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."
„Jako mi je žao što moram ovo da tražim.“ „Stvarno mrzim što ti dosađujem ovim.“ „Da ikako mogu da uradim ovo bez tvoje pomoći, uradio bih.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help, they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hated having to ask me for help? And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers. When you have a relationship with someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship. It's how we show one another that we care. If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude -- perfectly fine. An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment is not.
Ponekad se čini da ljudi uporno žele da pokažu da nisu slabi i pohlepni kada vam traže pomoć, da potpuno zaborave koliko neprijatno čine da se vi osećate. I da - kako da ja osećam zadovoljstvo što vam pomažem ako vam je bilo baš mrsko da me pitate za pomoć? I dok je potpuno, potpuno prihvatljivo plaćati strancima da urade nešto za vas, morate biti jako, jako pažljivi prilikom podsticanja svojih prijatelja i kolega. Kada imate vezu sa nekim, pomaganje je zapravo prirodan deo te veze. Tako pokazujemo jedni drugima da nam je stalo. Kada u to uvedete podsticaj i naplatu, može se desiti da počne da se čini kao da to nije veza, već transakcija. I to se u stvari doživaljava kao udaljavanje što, ironično, čini da ljudi ređe pomažu. Spontani poklon nakon što vam je neko pomogao kako biste pokazali zahvalnost - je skroz u redu. Da se ponudite da platite drugu što vam je pomogao da se preselite nije.
OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text. Really, seriously, please don't. Email and text are impersonal. I realize sometimes there's no alternative, but mostly what happens is, we like to ask for help over email and text because it feels less awkward for us to do so. You know what else feels less awkward over email and text? Telling you no. And it turns out, there's research to support this. In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than a request made by email. So when something is really important and you really need someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone --
Ok, treće pravilo, i ovo stvarno mislim: molim vas nemojte tražiti pomoć porukom ili mejlom. Stvarno, zaista, nemojte molim vas. Mejl i poruka su bezlični. Razumem da ponekad nema alternative, ali uglavnom se dešava da volimo da tražimo pomoć preko mejla ili poruke jer nam je tako manje neprijatno. Znate šta je još manje neprijatno preko mejla i poruke? Da vam kažu „ne“. Ispostavilo se da postoji istraživanje koje potvrđuje ovo. Lični zahtevi za pomoć imaju 30 puta veće šanse za „da“ nego zahtevi upućeni mejlom. Zato kada je nešto jako važno i jako vam treba nečija pomoć, nađite vremena da je lično zatražite ili koristite svoj telefon kao telefon -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
to ask for the help that you need.
da tražite potrebnu pomoć.
OK. Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward. There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?
Ok. Poslednje, i ovo je zapravo zaista, zaista važno i verovatno nešto što najčešće previdimo kada je u pitanju traženje pomoći: kada od nekoga tražite pomoć i oni pristanu, javite im se kasnije. Često postoji zabluda da je ono dragoceno kod pomaganja sam čin pomaganja. To nije tačno. Ono što je dragoceno kod pomaganja je saznanje da je pomoć prihvaćena, da je imala uticaj, da ste bili efektivni. Ako ne znam kako je moja pomoć uticala na vas, kako treba da se osećam zbog toga?
This happened; I was a university professor for many years, I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school. And probably about 95 percent of them, I have no idea what happened. Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you, if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted? In fact, this idea of feeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive -- because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect that your help is going to have.
Evo šta se desilo; bila sam profesor na univerzitetu mnogo godina, napisala sam mnoga pisma preporuke kada je ljudima trebalo za posao ili postdiplomske studije. I sa verovatno oko 95% njih ne znam šta se desilo. Kako treba da se osećam zbog vremena i truda koje sam uložila u to, kada zapravo nemam pojma da li sam vam pomogla, da li vam je to zapravo pomoglo da dobijete ono što ste želeli? U stvari, ova ideja efektivnosti delom objašnjava zašto su neke donatorske molbe tako ubedljive - jer vam omogućavaju da jasno zamislite kakav efekat će imati vaša pomoć.
Take something like DonorsChoose. You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you're going to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they've requested, like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating. An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do, that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.
Uzmite npr. Donatori biraju. Odete onlajn, možete da izaberete individualnog nastavnika po imenu čijoj učionici ćete moći da pomognete tako što ćete bukvalno kupiti konkretne stvari koje su tražili, kao što su mikroskopi ili laptopovi ili fleksibilne stolice. Takva molba, zbog koje mi je tako lako da zamislim ono dobro što će moj novac uraditi, da zapravo odmah osetim efektnost u trenutku davanja.
But you know what else they do? They follow up. Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom. They get pictures. They get to know that they made a difference. And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people to continue to give us help over the long term. Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale, or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get. Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible for you to get through a tough time. Take time to tell your catsitter that you're super happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away, and so they must have done a really good job.
Znate šta još oni rade? Daju povratnu informaciju. Donatori zapravo dobiju pisma od dece iz učionice. Dobiju slike. Saznanje da su doprineli promeni. I ovo je nešto što bi svi trebalo da radimo u svakodnevnom životu, pogotovo ako želimo da ljudi nastave da nam pružaju pomoć dugoročno. Nađite vremena da kažete kolegi da vam je pomoć koju vam je pružio zaista pomogla da ostvarite onu veliku prodaju, ili da dobijete onaj intervju kojem ste se stvarno nadali. Nađite vremena da kažete partneru da vam je podrška koju ste dobili zaista omogućila da prođete kroz težak period. Nađite vremena da kažete osobi koja vam čuva mačke da ste presrećni što, iz nekog razloga, ovog puta mačke nisu razbile ništa dok ste bili odsutni, tako da mora da su obavili sjajan posao.
The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, I know -- that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid to do it. It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone. Nobody succeeds in a vacuum. More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.
Ovo je suština: znam - verujte mi, znam - da nije lako tražiti pomoć. Svi se toga po malo plašimo. Čini da se osećamo ranjivo. Realnost modernog rada i modernog života je da niko ne može sam. Niko ne uspeva u vakuumu. Više nego ikada, mi zapravo moramo da se oslanjamo na druge ljude, na njihovu podršku i saradnju, kako bismo bili uspešni.
So when you need help, ask for it out loud. And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because you both deserve it.
Zato, kada vam treba pomoć, tražite je naglas. I kada je tražite, uradite to tako da povećate vaše šanse da dobijete „da“ i učinite da se druga osoba oseća sjajno što vam je pomogla, jer oboje to zaslužujete.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)