So, asking for help is basically the worst, right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of things people fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there. Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible.
Traženje pomoći je zapravo grozno, zar ne? Nikada to nisam vidjela na onim popisima deset stvari kojih se ljudi boje, kao govorenje pred publikom i smrt, ali sigurna sam da zapravo pripada ondje. Iako je toliko budalasto od nas bojati se priznati da trebamo pomoć, bilo od osobe koju volimo, od prijatelja, od kolege, ili čak od stranca, nekako se uvijek čini barem malo neugodno ili se sramimo zapravo zatražiti pomoć. Zato mnogi od nas izbjegavaju tražiti pomoć kad god je to ikako moguće.
My father was one of those legions of fathers who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid, we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleaded with him to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here.
Moj otac bio je jedan od niza očeva koji bi, kunem se, radije vozio kroz močvaru punu aligatora, nego pitao nekoga za pomoć kako se vratiti na cestu. Kada sam bila dijete išli smo na obiteljski odmor. Vozili smo se od našeg doma u Južnom Jerseyu do kolonijalnog Williamsburga. Sjećam se da smo se stvarno izgubili. Majka i ja smo ga preklinjale da stane uz cestu i pita nekoga za upute kako se vratiti na autocestu, a on je kategorički odbio te nas, zapravo, uvjeravao kako se nismo izgubili, nego je samo oduvijek želio znati što se nalazi ovdje.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
So if we're going to ask for help -- and we have to, we all do, practically every day -- the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone, they're actually going to say yes. And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying and rewarding to help you, because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.
Ako ćemo zatražiti pomoć -- a moramo, svi to moramo, gotovo svakoga dana -- jedini način na koji će nam uspjeti biti komotno dok to činimo jest da postanemo dobri u tome, da povećamo šanse kada nekoga zamolimo za pomoć, oni zapravo pristanu. Ne samo to, nego će doživiti osjećaj zadovoljstva i nagrade u činu pomaganja, jer na taj način će biti motivirani nastaviti vam pomagati ubuduće.
So research that I and some of my colleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it. Out loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call "the illusion of transparency" -- basically, the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and then spontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really bad assumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are, but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they can support you.
Istraživanje koje sam provela sa suradnicima rasvijetlilo nam je zašto ljudi ponekad pristaju na naše molbe za pomoć, a zašto ponekad odbijaju. Dajte da počnem tako da vam odmah kažem: ako trebate pomoć, morat ćete je zatražiti. Naglas. U redu? Svi u nekoj mjeri patimo od onoga što psiholozi nazivaju "iluzijom transparentnosti" -- zapravo, pogrešnog vjerovanja kako su naše misli, osjećaji i potrebe sasvim očiti drugim ljudima. To nije istina, ali mi u to vjerujemo. I tako uglavnom samo stojimo uokolo čekajući da netko zamijeti naše potrebe i zatim spontano ponudi da nam pomogne. To je zaista loša pretpostavka. U biti, ne samo da je vrlo teško pogoditi vaše potrebe, nego čak i ljudi s kojima ste bliski često imaju problema shvatiti kako bi vas mogli poduprijeti.
My partner has actually had to adopt a habit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, much more, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be. So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it. And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it? Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did not actually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, don't they?
Moj partner je morao usvojiti naviku pitati me više puta dnevno, "Jesi li dobro? Treba li ti što?" jer samo toliko loša u signaliziranju kada mi je potrebna nečija pomoć. On je strpljiviji nego što zaslužujem i puno, puno proaktivniji kada je u pitanju pomaganje nego što mnogi od nas imaju pravo očekivati od drugih ljudi. Dakle, ako trebate pomoć, morate je zatražiti. Usput, čak i ako netko uoči da trebate pomoć, kako mogu znati želite li je? Jeste li ikada pokušali pružiti nezatraženu pomoć pa se ispostavi da osoba nije uopće željela vašu pomoć? Mogu začas postati neugodni, zar ne?
The other day -- true story -- my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.
Neki dan -- istinita priča -- moja kći tinejdžerske dobi odijevala se za školu i odlučila sam joj ponuditi netraženu pomoć pri tome.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And so I said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and try to find something a little less somber.
Ja mislim da izgleda sjajno u svjetlijim bojama. Ona više voli nešto tamnije, neutralnije tonove. Pa sam rekla, puna volje da pomognem, da mislim kako bi se trebala vratiti gore i pronaći nešto manje ozbiljno.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
So, if looks could kill, I would not be standing here right now. We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requests for help. So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right? There's no getting around it.
Pa, kad bi pogledi ubijali, ne bih sada stajala ovdje. Ne možemo kriviti druge ljude za to da nam spontano ne nude pomoć, kada sami zapravo ne znamo da je to ono što želimo. Zapravo, istraživanje pokazuje da je 90 posto pomoći koju kolege pružaju jedni drugima na radnom mjestu, nastalo kao odgovor na izravne zahtjeve za pomoći. Morat ćete izgovoriti riječi "Trebam tvoju pomoć." U redu? Nema zaobilaženja.
Now, to be good at it, to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.
Da bismo bili dobri u tome, da osiguramo da nam ljudi doista pomognu kada to zatražimo, ima nekoliko stvari koje bi trebalo imati na umu.
First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don't actually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. Nobody wants to give bad help. Like me, you probably get some of these requests from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect" or "pick your brain." I ignore these requests literally every time. And it's not that I'm not a nice person. It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested. Nobody is. I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me, because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind. So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company," or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project in an area I know you're interested in," or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school." Technically, I can't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor, but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.
Prvo: kada tražite pomoć, budite vrlo određeni oko pomoći koju trebate i zašto. Nejasni i neizravni zahtjevi za pomoć zapravo ne pomažu pomagaču, zar ne? Mi ne znamo što vi želite od nas, i, jednako važno, mi ne znamo možemo li biti uspješni u pružanju pomoći. Nitko ne želi biti loš u pomaganju. Poput mene, vjerojatno dobivate neke od ovakvih zahtjeva od vrlo pristojnih stranaca na LinkedInu koji žele naprimjer, "da se nađemo na kavi i povežemo" ili da "vas potanko ispitaju o temi". Redovno ignoriram takve zahtjeve. Nije to zato što nisam dobra osoba. Kada ne znam što točno želite od mene, kakvu pomoć se nadate da vam mogu pružiti, nisam zainteresirana. Nitko nije. Puno bi me više zanimalo kada bi jednostavno rekli što je to čemu se nadaju od mene, jer sam prilično sigurna da imaju nešto određeno na umu. Pa slobodno recite, "Nadam se razgovoru o prilikama za zapošljavanje u vašoj tvrtki", ili "Predložila bih zajednički istraživački projekt u području od vašeg interesa", ili, "Želim vaš savjet o upisivanju medicinskog fakulteta". Tehnički vam ne mogu pomoći s ovim zadnjim jer nisam takva vrsta liječnika, ali vas mogu uputiti u smjeru nekog drugog tko bi vam mogao pomoći.
OK, second tip. This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. Do any of these sound familiar?
Drugi savjet. Ovo je vrlo važno: izbjegavajte ograđivanja, isprike i podmićivanja. Vrlo, vrlo važno. Zvuči li vam išta od toga poznato?
(Clears throat)
(Pročišćava grlo)
'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."
"Tako mi je žao što vas moram pitati za ovo." "Stvarno mi nije drago smetati vam s ovim." "Da znam za neki način kako da ovo učinim bez vaše pomoći, učinio bih to."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help, they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hated having to ask me for help? And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers. When you have a relationship with someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship. It's how we show one another that we care. If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude -- perfectly fine. An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment is not.
Ponekad se čini da su ljudi toliko željni dokazati kako nisu slabi ili pohlepni kada vas traže pomoć, da im posve promiče koliko vas stavljaju u neugodnu situaciju. I usput -- kako bih ja mogla osjećati zadovoljstvo u pomaganju vama, ako vam je zaista tako mrsko pitati me za pomoć? I dok je posve prihvatljivo platiti strancima da učine nešto za vas, morate biti vrlo, vrlo oprezni kada potičete na to svoje prijatelje ili kolege. Kada ste u vezi s nekim, međusobno pomaganje je zapravo prirodna sastavnica te veze. Tako dokazujemo jedni drugima da nam je stalo. Ako u to uključite neki poticaj ili uplatu, može se dogoditi da se to prestane doživljavati kao veza, to je transakcija. I to može biti doživljeno kao udaljavanje, a to, ironično, čini da su ljudi manje raspoloženi da vam pomognu. Tako je spontani dar nakon što vam netko pomogne, kako biste iskazali poštovanje i zahvalnost -- potpuno u redu. Ponuda da platite najboljem prijatelju pomoć pri selidbi u novi stan nije u redu.
OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text. Really, seriously, please don't. Email and text are impersonal. I realize sometimes there's no alternative, but mostly what happens is, we like to ask for help over email and text because it feels less awkward for us to do so. You know what else feels less awkward over email and text? Telling you no. And it turns out, there's research to support this. In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than a request made by email. So when something is really important and you really need someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone --
Treće pravilo, i ovo stvarno mislim: molim vas, ne tražite pomoć putem emaila ili sms poruke. Zaista, ozbiljno, molim vas, nemojte. Email i poruke su neosobni. Razumijem da ponekad nema drugog izbora, ali obično se događa da pitamo za pomoć putem emaila ili poruke zato što nam djeluje manje čudno. Znate što još djeluje manje čudno putem emaila ili poruke? Odbijanje. Ispostavlja se da istraživanje podupire ovu tvrdnju. Osobni zahtjevi za pomoć 30 puta su vjerojatniji da završe pristajanjem nego zahtjev putem emaila. Pa ako se radi o nečem doista važnom i doista vam treba nečija pomoć, nađite vremena da osobno uputite zahtjev, ili upotrijebite svoj telefon kao telefon --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
to ask for the help that you need.
da zatražite pomoć koja vam je potrebna.
OK. Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward. There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?
U redu. Posljednje, i ovo je zapravo vrlo, vrlo važno i vjerojatno najzanemarenije kada se radi o traženju pomoći: kada zatražite nečiju pomoć i oni pristanu, javite im se nakon toga. Česta je pogrešna predodžba kako je pri pomaganju sam čini pomoći nagrada za sebe. To nije istina. Nagrada pri pomaganju je znati da je vaša pomoć uspjela, da je imala utjecaj, da ste bili učinkoviti. Ako ja nemam pojma kako je moja pomoć utjecala na vas, kako bih se trebala osjećati?
This happened; I was a university professor for many years, I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school. And probably about 95 percent of them, I have no idea what happened. Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you, if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted? In fact, this idea of feeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive -- because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect that your help is going to have.
Ovo se dogodilo; bila sam sveučilišna profesorica dugi niz godina, pisala sam brojna pisma preporuke za ljude koji su tražili posao ili upisivali doktorski studij. Za vjerojatno oko 95 posto njih nemam pojma što se dogodilo. Kako da se osjećam zbog vremena i truda koje sam uložila da vam to učinim, kada zapravo ne znam jesam li vam pomogla, je li vam to zapravo pomoglo da dobijete što ste željeli? U biti, ovaj pojam osjećaja učinkovitosti je zašto su određene vrste apela za doniranje toliko uvjerljive -- jer vam dopuštaju da vrlo slikovito zamislite učinak koji će vaša pomoć imati.
Take something like DonorsChoose. You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you're going to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they've requested, like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating. An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do, that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.
Uzmimo primjerice DonorsChoose. Odete na internet, možete odabrati određenog učitelja poimence čijoj ćete učionici pomoći, doslovno kupujući određene predmete koje su zatražili, poput mikroskopa, laptopa ili sklopivih sjedala. Takav zahtjev čini da vrlo jednostavno zamislim dobrobit koju će moj novac omogućiti, da dobivam izravan osjećaj učinkovitosti iste minute kada se obavežem na davanje.
But you know what else they do? They follow up. Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom. They get pictures. They get to know that they made a difference. And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people to continue to give us help over the long term. Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale, or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get. Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible for you to get through a tough time. Take time to tell your catsitter that you're super happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away, and so they must have done a really good job.
Ali znate li što još oni čine? Oni vam se jave. Donatori primaju pisma od djece iz te učionice. Primaju slike. Daje im se na znanje da su učinili razliku. To je nešto što svi trebamo činiti u svakodnevnom životu, pogotovo ako želimo da nam ljudi nastave pružati pomoć u dužem razdoblju. Uzmite vremena da kažete svom kolegi da vam je njegova pružena pomoć doista pomogla da ostvarite veliku prodaju, ili da vam je pomogla da dobijete razgovor za posao kojem ste se nadali. Uzmite vremena da kažete svom partneru da vam je podrška koju vam je pružio doista omogućila da se probijete kroz teško razdoblje. Uzmite vremena da kažete osobi koja vam čuva mačku kako ste jako sretni da iz nekog razloga mačke nisu ništa polupale dok vas nije bilo, pa znači da je ta osoba sigurno odradila jako dobar posao.
The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, I know -- that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid to do it. It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone. Nobody succeeds in a vacuum. More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.
Poanta je sljedeća: ja znam -- vjerujte mi, ja znam -- da nije jednostavno zatražiti pomoć. Svi se pomalo bojimo to učiniti. To nas čini ranjivima. Ali stvarnost modernog rada i modernog života jest da nitko to ne radi sam. Nitko ne uspijeva u vakuumu. Više nego ikada se stvarno moramo osloniti na druge, na njihovu podršku i suradnju, kako bismo bili uspješni.
So when you need help, ask for it out loud. And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because you both deserve it.
Pa kada trebate pomoć, naglas je zatražite. A kada to činite, neka to bude na način koji povećava šanse da dobijete "da" kao odgovor, i koji čini da se osoba osjeća sjajno jer vam je pomogla, jer oboje to zaslužujete.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)