My name is Hannah. And that is a palindrome. That is a word you can spell the same forwards and backwards, if you can spell. But the thing is --
Moje ime je Hana (Hannah) i ono je palindrom. To je reč koja se jednako čita i piše unapred i unazad, ako umete da čitate. Ali stvar je u tome -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
my entire family have palindromic names. It's a bit of a tradition. We've got Mum, Dad --
što moja cela porodica ima palidromična imena. To je nekako tradicija. Imamo mamu (Mum), tatu (Dad) -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Nan, Pop.
baku (Nan), deku (Pop).
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And my brother, Kayak.
I mog brata Kajaka (Kayak).
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
There you go. That's just a bit a joke, there.
Eto. To je bila samo šala.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I like to kick things off with a joke because I'm a comedian. Now there's two things you know about me already: my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian. I'm wasting no time. Here's a third thing you can know about me: I don't think I'm qualified to speak my own mind. Bold way to begin a talk, yes, but it's true. I've always had a great deal of difficulty turning my thinking into the talking. So it seems a bit of a contradiction, then, that someone like me, who is so bad at the chat, could be something like a stand-up comedian. But there you go. There you go. It's what it is.
Volim da započnem sa šalom zato što sam komičarka. Postoje dve stvari koje već znate o meni. Moje ime je Hana i ja sam komičarka. Ne trošim vreme. Evo i treće stvari koju možete saznati o meni. Ne mislim da sam kvalifikovana da izgovaram svoje mišljenje. Da, hrabar način da se započne govor, ali to je istina. Uvek mi je bilo teško da svoje misli pretočim u govor. Deluje pomalo kontradiktorno da neko poput mene, ko je tako loš u razgovoru, može biti nešto kao, na primer, stendap komičar. Ali eto, vidite. Dešava se. Tako je kako je.
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedi -- comedie ... See? See? See?
Prvi put sam se okušala u stendap kome- komediji... Vidite? Vidite? Vidite?
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy in my late 20s, and despite being a pathologically shy virtual mute with low self-esteem who'd never held a microphone before, I knew as soon as I walked and stood in front of the audience, I knew, before I'd even landed my first joke, I knew that I really liked stand-up, and stand-up really liked me. But for the life of me, I couldn't work out why. Why is it I could be so good at doing something I was so bad at?
Prvi put sam se okušala u stendap komediji u svojim kasnim 20-im. Uprkos tome što sam bila patološki stidljiva i prava mula sa niskim samopouzdanjem, koja nikada pre nije držala mikrofon, znala sam čim sam izašla i stala pred publiku, znala sam, pre nego što sam izvela svoj prvi štos, znala sam da zaista volim stendap i da stendap voli mene. Ali života mi, nisam shvatila kako je to moguće. Kako to da mi je tako dobro išlo nešto u čemu sam tako loša?
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I just couldn't work it out, I could not understand it. That is, until I could.
Jednostavno nisam to mogla da shvatim, nisam mogla da razumem. Do momenta dok nisam shvatila.
Now, before I explain to you why it is that I can be good at something I'm so bad at, let me throw another spanner of contradiction into the work by telling you that not long after I worked out why that was, I decided to quit comedy. And before I explain that little oppositional cat I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons, let me also tell you this: quitting launched my comedy career.
Pre nego što vam objasnim zašto mogu biti tako dobra u nečemu u čemu sam jako loša, dozvolite mi da ubacim još jednu ključnu protivrečnost time što ću vam reći da sam, nedugo nakon što sam shvatila kako je to moguće, odlučila da napustim komediju. Pre nego što objasnim tog malog kontradiktornog slona koga sam upravo pustila u staklarsku radnju, reći ću vam i ovo: odustajanje je lansiralo moju komedijašku karijeru.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Like, really launched it, to the point where after quitting comedy, I became the most talked-about comedian on the planet, because apparently, I'm even worse at making retirement plans than I am at speaking my own mind.
Bukvalno lansiralo, do te mere da sam nakon odustajanja od komedije postala komičar o kome se najviše pričalo na celoj planeti, jer sam očigledno još gora u pravljenju planova za penziju nego što sam u iskazivanju svojih misli.
Now, all I've done up until this point apart from giving over a spattering of biographical detail is to tell you indirectly that I have three ideas that I want to share with you today. And I've done that by way of sharing three contradictions: one, I am bad at talking, I am good at talking; I quit, I did not quit. Three ideas, three contradictions. Now, if you're wondering why there's only two things on my so-called list of three --
Sad, sve što sam uradila do ovog momenta, osim davanja nekoliko detalja iz moje biografije, jeste da sam vam posredno rekla da imam tri ideje koje želim danas da podelim sa vama. To sam učinila tako što sam podelila tri protivrečnosti. Prvo, loša sam u govoru, dobra sam u govoru. Odustajem, nisam odustala. Tri ideje, tri suprotnosti. Ako se pitate zašto su samo dve stvari na mojoj takozvanoj listi trojstva -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I remind you it is literally a list of contradictions. Keep up.
podsetiću vas da je bukvalno reč o listi protivrečnosti. Pratite me.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, the folks at TED advised me that with a talk of this length, it's best to stick with just sharing one idea. I said no.
Ljudi iz TED-a su me savetovali da je za govore ove dužine najbolje podeliti samo jednu ideju. Ja sam odbila.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
What would they know?
Šta oni pa znaju?
To explain why I have chosen to ignore what is clearly very good advice, I want to take you back to the beginning of this talk, specifically, my palindrome joke. Now that joke uses my favorite trick of the comedian trade, the rule of three, whereby you make a statement and then back that statement up with a list. My entire family have palindromic names: Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop. The first two ideas on that list create a pattern, and that pattern creates expectation. And then the third thing -- bam! -- Kayak. What? That's the rule of three. One, two, surprise! Ha ha.
Da bih objasnila zašto sam izabrala da ignorišem ono što je očigledno dobar savet, povešću vas na početak ovog govora, konkretno, na moju šalu o palindromima. Ta šala koristi moje omiljene trikove komedijaškog zanata, pravilo trojstva, pri čemu dajete izjavu, a potom je poduprete sa listom. Moja cela porodica ima palindromična imena: mama (Mum), tata (Dad) baka (Nan), deka (Pop). Prve dve ideje sa liste su napravile šablon, i taj šablon stvara očekivanje. A onda treća stvar - bum! - Kajak (Kayak). Šta? To je pravilo trojstva. Jedan, dva, iznenađenje! Ha ha.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, the rule of three is not only fundamental to the way I do my craft, it is also fundamental to the way I communicate. So I won't be changing anything for nobody, not even TED, which, I will point out, stands for three ideas: technology, entertainment and dickheads.
Pravilo trojstva ne samo da je jedna od suštinskih stvari za moj zanat, nego je suštinsko i za način na koji komuniciram. Tako da neću menjati ništa, ni zbog koga. Čak ni zbog TED-a, koji se, samo da istaknem, zalaže za tri ideje: tehnologiju, zabavu i glupake.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Works every time, doesn't it?
Svaki put upali, zar ne?
But you need more than just jokes to be able to cut it as a professional comedian. You need to be able to walk that fine line between being charming and disarming. And I discovered the most effective way to generate the amount of charm I needed to offset my disarming personality was through not jokes but stories. So my stand-up routines are filled with stories: stories about growing up, my coming out story, stories about the abuse I've copped for being not only a woman but a big woman and a masculine-of-center woman. If you watch my work online, check the comments out below for examples of abuse.
Ali potrebno vam je nešto više od same šale da biste to izneli kao profesionalni komičar. Morate biti sposobni da hodate po tankoj liniji između šarmantnog i razoružavajućeg. Otkrila sam da najefektniji način za uključivanje onoliko šarma koliko mi je potrebno da neutrališem svoj razoružavajući karakter nije pričanje viceva, nego priča. Tako su moji stendap nastupi puni priča: priča o odrastanju, moje priče o autovanju, priče o maltretiranju koje sam proživela zbog toga što sam ne samo žena, nego i velika i muškobanjasta žena. Ako nađete moje nastupe na internetu, pogledajte komentare i naći ćete primere maltretiranja.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
It's that time in the talk where I shift into second gear, and I'm going to tell you a story about everything I've just said.
Sada nastupa onaj trenutak u govoru kada treba da promenim tempo i da vam ispričam priču o svemu ovome o čemu sam govorila.
In the last few days of her life, my grandma was surrounded by people, a lot of people, because my grandma was the loving matriarch of a large and loving family. Now, if you haven't made the connection already, I am a member of that family. I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to my grandma on the day she died. But as she was already cocooned within herself by then, it was something of a one-sided goodbye. So I thought about a lot of things, things I hadn't thought about in a long time, like the letters I used to write to my grandma when I first started university, letters I filled with funny stories and anecdotes that I embellished for her amusement. And I remembered how I couldn't articulate the anxiety and fear that filled me as I tried to carve my tiny little life into a world that felt far too big for me. But I remembered finding comfort in those letters, because I wrote them with my grandma in mind. But as the world got more and more overwhelming and my ability to negotiate it got worse, not better, I stopped writing those letters. I just didn't think I had the life that Grandma would want to read about.
U poslednjih nekoliko dana svog života, moja baka je bila okružena ljudima, velikim brojem ljudi, zato što je je moja baka bila omiljeni ženski lik velike i brižne porodice. Ako do sada niste povezali stvari, ja sam deo te porodice. Imala sam sreću da budem u mogućnosti da se oprostim sa svojom bakom na dan kada je umrla. Ali kako je tada ona već bila praktično bez svesti, to je izgledalo više kao jednosmerni oproštaj. Razmišljala sam o mnogo stvari, o stvarima o kojima nisam dugo razmišljala, kao, na primer, o pismima koje sam pisala baki kada sam upisala fakultet, pismima koja su bila puna duhovitih priča i anegdota koje sam ulepšavala da bih je zabavila. Sećam se kako nisam uspevala da opišem nervozu i strah koji me je ispunjavao dok sam pokušavala da urežem svoj mali život u svet koji mi se činio tako velik. Dosetila sam se da nađem utehu u tim pismima, zato što sam ih pisala misleći na svoju baku. Kako je svet postajao sve veći, a moja sposobnost da ga prihvatim sve manja, prestala sam da pišem pisma. Jednostavno nisam mislila da vodim život o kome bi baka želela da čita.
Grandma did not know I was gay, and about six months before she died, out of nowhere, she asked me if I had a boyfriend. Now, I remember making a conscious decision in that moment not to come out to my grandmother. And I did that because I knew her life was drawing to an end, and my time with her was finite, and I did not want to talk about the ways we were different. I wanted to talk about the ways were we connected. So I changed the subject. And at the time, it felt like the right decision. But as I sat witness to my grandmother's life as it tapered to its inevitable end, I couldn't help but feel I'd made a mistake not to share such a significant part of my life. But I also knew that I'd missed my opportunity, and as Grandma always used to say, "Ah, well, it's all part of the soup. Too late to take the onions out now."
Baka nije znala da sam gej, i nekih šest meseci pre nego što je umrla, iznenada me je pitala da li imam momka. Sećam se da sam u tom momentu svesno odlučila da ne kažem istinu svojoj baki. To sam učinila znajući da se njen život bliži kraju, da su moji dani sa njom odbrojani, i nisam želela da pričamo o tome koliko smo različite. Želela sam da pričamo o tome koliko smo povezane. Tako da sam promenila temu, što mi se tada činilo kao ispravna odluka. Ali kako sam posmatrala kako se njen život bliži kraju, nisam mogla da se otrgnem osećanju da sam pogrešila što nisam podelila sa njom tako važan deo mog života. Isto tako sam znala da sam propustila šansu, i kao što je moja baka imala običaj da kaže: „Ah, sve je to jedna čorba. Suviše je kasno da se sad izvadi luk.”
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I thought about that, and I thought about how I had to deal with too many onions as a kid, growing up gay in a state where homosexuality was illegal. And with that thought, I could see how tightly wrapped in the tendrils of my own internalized shame I was. And with that, I thought about all my traumas: the violence, the abuse, my rape. And with all that cluster of thinking, a thought, a question, kept popping into my mind to which I had no answer: What is the purpose of my human?
Razmišljala sam o tome, i o tome sa koliko sam puno luka morala da se nosim kao dete, odrastajući kao gej u državi gde je homoseksualnost bila nezakonita. I sa tom mišlju mogla sam shvatiti koliko sam čvrsto zarobljena u mreži sopstvenog naučenog srama. Zajedno sa tim, razmišljala sam i o svojim traumama: nasilju, zlostavljanju, mom silovanju. Sa svim tim narojenim mislima, jedno pitanje mi se stalno nametalo, a na njega nisam imala odgovor. Koja je svrha mog postojanja kao čoveka?
Out of anyone in my family, I felt the most akin to my grandmother. I mean, we share the most traits in common. Not so much these days. Death really changes people. But that --
Od svih članova moje porodice, osećala sam najveću sličnost sa bakom. Mislim, imale smo najviše zajedničkih osobina. Ovih dana ne toliko. Smrt stvarno promeni ljude. Ali to -
(Laughter)
(smeh)
is my grandmother's sense of humor. But the person I felt most akin to in the world was a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a great-great-grandmother. Me? I represented the very end of my branch of the family tree. And I wasn't entirely sure I was still connected to the trunk. What was the purpose of my human?
to je smisao za humor moje bake. Žena sa kojom sam osećala najveću bliskost na svetu bila je majka, baka, prabaka, čukunbaka. A ja? Ja predstavljam sam kraj grane porodičnog stabla. Nisam čak posve bila sigurna da sam još uvek povezana sa stablom. Koja je svrha mog postojanja?
The year after my grandmother's death was the most intensely creative of my life. And I suppose that's because, at an end, my thoughts gather more than they scatter. My thought process is not linear. I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts. I don't have a photographic memory, and nor is my head a static gallery of sensibly collected think pieces. It's more that I've got this ever-evolving language of hieroglyphics that I've developed and can understand fluently and think deeply with. but I struggle to translate. I can't paint, draw, sculpt, or even haberdash, and as for the written word, I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous process of translation, and I don't feel it does the job. And as far as speaking my own mind, like I said, I'm not great at it. Speech has always felt like an inadequate freeze-frame for the life inside of me. All this to say, I've always understood far more than I've ever been able to communicate.
Godina nakon smrti moje bake bila je najkreativnija godina mog života. Pretpostavljam zato što su, na kraju, moje misli bile više sabrane nego raštrkane. Moj proces razmišljanja nije linearan. Ja sam vizualni mislilac. Ja vidim svoje misli. Nemam fotografsko pamćenje, niti je moj mozak statična galerija brižljivo prikupljenih delova misli. To više izgleda kao jezik hijeroglifa koji stalno evoluira, koji sam razvila, koji mogu tečno da razumem i sa kojim mogu dublje da razmišljam, ali se mučim sa prevodom. Ne umem da slikam, crtam, vajam, čak ni da zašijem dugme. A što se tiče pisane reči, dobro mi ide, ali to je mučan prevodilački proces i nisam sigurna da baš funkcioniše. A što se tiče izražavanja mog mišljenja, kao što sam rekla, nisam baš dobra u tome. Govor mi se uvek činio kao neprimerena smrznuta slika za moj unutrašnji život. Da kažemo, oduvek sam bolje razumevala nego što sam bila u stanju da razgovaram.
Now, about a year before Grandma died, I was formally diagnosed with autism. Now for me, that was mostly good news. I always thought that I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person because I was depressed and anxious. But it turns out I was depressed and anxious because I couldn't sort my life out like a normal person, because I was not a normal person, and I didn't know it. Now, this is not to say I still don't struggle. Every day is a bit of a struggle, to be honest. But at least now I know what my struggle is, and getting to the starting line of normal is not it. My struggle is not to escape the storm. My struggle is to find the eye of the storm as best I can.
Oko godinu dana pre bakine smrti, zvanično mi je dijagnostikovan autizam. Za mene su to uglavnom bile dobre vesti. Oduvek sam mislila da ne mogu srediti svoj život kao svi normalni ljudi zato što sam depresivna i anksiozna. Ali ispostavilo se da sam bila depresivna i anksiozna zato što nisam mogla da sredim život kao normalni ljudi, zato što ja nisam normalna osoba, a to nisam znala. Ovo ne znači da se i dalje ne mučim. Svaki dan je pomalo borba, da budem iskrena. Ali sada bar znam šta je moja borba, a težnja ka normalnom početku to nije. Moja borba nije da se izbegne oluja. Moja borba je da pronađem zatišja u oluji, koliko god mogu.
Now, apart from the usual way us spectrum types find our calm -- repetitive behaviors, routine and obsessive thinking -- I have another surprising doorway into the eye of the storm: stand-up comedy. And if you need any more proof I'm neurodivergent, yes, I am calm doing a thing that scares the hell out of most people. I'm almost dead inside up here.
Pored uobičajenih načina na koje mi ljudi sa autističnog spektra pronalazimo mir - ponavljanja aktivnosti, rutina i opsesivnog razmišljanja - ja imam još jedan iznenađujući prilaz zatišjima u oluji - stendap komediju. A ako vam je potrebno još dokaza da sam neurorazličita, da, ja sam sasvim mirna radeći stvari koje užasavaju većinu ljudi. Skoro da sam mrtva iznutra dok sam na bini.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Diagnosis gave me a framework on which to hang bits of me I could never understand. My misfit suddenly had a fit, and for a while, I got giddy with a newfound confidence I had in my thinking. But after Grandma died, that confidence took a dive, because thinking is how I grieve. And in that grief of thought, I could suddenly see with so much clarity just how profoundly isolated I was and always had been. What was the purpose of my human?
Dijagnoza mi je dala okvir u koji mogu da uklopim svoje deliće koje nikada nisam razumela. Moja neprilagođenost se iznenada uklapala, i neko vreme sam bila jako optimistična u vezi ove nove sigurnosti koju sam imala u mislima. Ali nakon što je baka umrla, ta sigurnost je potonula, zato što je razmišljanje način na koji ja tugujem. U toj tuzi misli, iznenada sam mogla videti tako jasno koliko sam suštinski bila usamljena i to oduvek. Koja je svrha mog postojanja?
I began to think a lot about how autism and PTSD have so much in common. And I started to worry, because I had both. Could I ever untangle them? I'd always been told that the way out of trauma was through a cohesive narrative. I had a cohesive narrative, but I was still at the mercy of my traumas. They're all part of my soup, but the onions still stung. And at that point, I realized that I'd been telling my stories for laughs. I'd been trimming away the darkness, cutting away the pain and holding on to my trauma for the comfort of my audience. I was connecting other people through laughs, yet I remained profoundly disconnected. What was the purpose of my human? I did not have an answer, but I had an idea. I had an idea to tell my truth, all of it, not to share laughs but to share the literal, visceral pain of my trauma. And I thought the best way to do that would be through a comedy show.
Počela sam da razmišljam kako autizam i PTSP imaju mnogo toga zajedničkog. I to je počelo da me zabrinjava, zato što sam ja imala oboje. Da li bih ikada mogla da ih razmrsim? Uvek su mi govorili da je izlaz iz traume kroz kohezivnu priču. Ja sam imala kohezivnu priču, ali sam i dalje bila u nemilosti svojih trauma. One su deo moje čorbe, ali luk i dalje peče. U tom momentu sam shvatila da sam svoje priče pričala radi smeha. Rasterivala sam tamu i odstranjivala bol, držeći se moje traume radi ugađanja publici. Povezivala sam ljude kroz smeh, a ja sam opet ostala duboko nepovezana. Koja je svrha mog postojanja? Nisam imala odgovor, ali sam imala ideju. Imala sam ideju da kažem svoju istinu, celu istinu, ne da delim šale, nego da podelim bukvalan, duboki bol moje traume. Mislila sam da je najbolji način za to upravo kroz komičarsku predstavu.
And that is what I did. I wrote a comedy show that did not respect the punchline, that line where comedians are expected and trusted to pull their punches and turn them into tickles. I did not stop. I punched through that line into the metaphorical guts of my audience. I did not want to make them laugh. I wanted to take their breath away, to shock them, so they could listen to my story and hold my pain as individuals, not as a mindless, laughing mob. And that's what I did, and I called that show "Nanette." Now, many --
To sam i uradila. Napisala sam komičarsku predstavu koja nije poštovala vrhunac šale, onaj deo kada se od komičara očekuje i veruje se da će izvući suštinu štosa i pretvoriti ga u smeh. Nisam stala. Probila sam tu liniju i metaforički udarila pravo u stomak svoje publike. Nisam imala nameru da ih zasmejem. Želela sam da im stane dah, da ih šokiram, da mogu da slušaju moju priču i drže moj bol, kao pojedinci, a ne kao nasmejana rulja koja ne razmišlja. To sam i uradila, a predstavu sam nazvala „Nanet”. Sada, mnogi -
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Now, many have argued that "Nanette" is not a comedy show. And while I can agree "Nanette" is definitely not a comedy show, those people are still wrong --
Mnogi se nisu složili da je „Nanet” komedija. Iako se u potpunosti mogu složiti da „Nanet” nije komedija, ti ljudi su ipak pogrešili -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
because they have framed their argument as a way of saying I failed to do comedy. I did not fail to do comedy. I took everything I knew about comedy -- all the tricks, the tools, the know-how -- I took all that, and with it, I broke comedy. You cannot break comedy with comedy if you fail at comedy. Flaccid be thy hammer.
zato što su svoje argumente uobličili tako da govore da nisam uspela da napravim komediju. Ja sam uspela da napravim komediju. Uzela sam sve što sam znala o komediji - sve trikove, alate, zanate - sve to sam uzela i sa tim slomila komediju. Ne možete slomiti komediju komedijom ako ne uspete da napravite komediju. Mlohav je taj čekić.
(Laughter) (Applause)
(Smeh) (Aplauz)
That was not my point. The point was not simply to break comedy. The point was to break comedy so I could rebuild it and reshape it, reform it into something that could better hold everything I needed to share, and that is what I meant when I said I quit comedy.
To nije bio moj cilj. Cilj je bio ne samo da slomim komediju, nego da je slomim kako bih je ponovo izgradila i preoblikovala u nešto što će bolje podržavati sve ono što imam da podelim. E, to je ono što sam mislila kada sam rekla da sam napustila komediju.
Now, it's probably at this point where you're going, "Yeah, cool, but what are the three ideas, exactly? It's a bit vague."
Verovatno ćete reći u ovom momentu: „Da, super, ali koje su to tačno tri ideje? Malo je nejasno.”
I'm glad I pretended you asked.
Drago mi je što sam se pravila da ste pitali.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you who have already identified three ideas. A smart crowd, by all accounts, so I wouldn't be surprised at all. But you might be surprised to find out that I don't have three ideas. I told you I had three ideas, and that was a lie. That was pure misdirection -- I'm very funny. What I've done instead is I've taken whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds, and I've scattered them all throughout my talk. And why did I do that? Well, apart from shits and giggles, it comes down to something my grandma always used to say. "It's not the garden, it's the gardening that counts." And "Nanette" taught me the truth to that truism. I fully expected by breaking the contract of comedy and telling my story in all its truth and pain that that would push me further into the margins of both life and art. I expected that, and I was willing to pay that cost in order to tell my truth. But that is not what happened. The world did not push me away. It pulled me closer. Through an act of disconnection, I found connection. And it took me a long time to understand that what is at the heart of that contradiction is also at the heart of the contradiction as to why I can be so good at something I am so bad at.
Sigurna sam da je već priličan broj vas već shvatio koje su to tri ideje. Pametna masa, u svakom smislu, tako da ne bih bila uopšte iznenađena. Možda ćete se iznenaditi kada saznate da ja uopšte nemam tri ideje. Rekla sam vam da imam tri ideje i to je bila laž. To je bilo čisto pogrešno usmeravanje - ja sam veoma duhovita. Ono što sam ja uradila jeste da sam uzela pregršt svojih ideja i rasejala ih kroz ceo moj govor. Zašto sam to uradila? Osim sranja i kikotanja, sve se svodi na ono što je moja baka uvek govorila. „Nije važna bašta, nego baštovanstvo.” A „Nanet” me je naučila pravom značenju te izreke. Očekivala sam da potpuno raskinem sa komedijom i da ispričam svoju priču sa celokupnom istinom i bolom, što bi me gurnulo još dalje, do granica života i umetnosti. To sam očekivala i bila sam spremna da platim ceh kako bih rekla svoju istinu. Ali to se nije desilo. Svet me nije odgurnuo, već me je privukao još bliže. Kroz čin isključivanja pronašla sam vezu. Trebalo mi je dugo da shvatim da je ono što je suština te protivrečnosti isto ono što je suština protivrečnosti zbog koje ja mogu biti tako dobra u onome u čemu sam loša.
You see, in the real world, I struggle to talk to people because my neurodiversity makes it difficult for me to think, listen, speak and process new information all at the same time. But onstage, I don't have to think. I prepare my thinks well in advance. I don't have to listen. That is your job.
Vidite, u stvarnom svetu, mučim se kada pričam sa ljudima zato što mi moja neurorazličitost otežava da razmišljam, slušam, govorim i obrađujem nove informacije u isto vreme. Ali na bini ne moram da razmišljam. Dobro pripremim svoje misli unapred. Ne moram da slušam. To je vaš posao.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I don't really have to talk, because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting. So all that is left is for me to do my best to make a genuine connection with my audience. And if the experience of "Nanette" taught me anything, it's that connection depends not just on me. You play a part. "Nanette" may have begun in me, but she now lives and grows in a whole world of other minds, minds I do not share. But I trust I am connected. And in that, she is so much bigger than me, just like the purpose of being human is so much bigger than all of us. Make of that what you will.
A u suštini ne moram ni da pričam, zato što, ako ćemo tačno, ja recitujem. Dakle, sve što je ostalo jeste da dam sve od sebe da uspostavim istinsku vezu sa svojom publikom. Ako me je iskustvo „Nanet” nečemu naučilo, to je da veza ne zavisi samo od mene. Vi ste deo toga. „Nanet” se možda rodila u meni, ali ona sad živi i raste u celom svetu drugih misli, misli koje ja ne delim. Ali verujem da sam povezana sa njima. Zbog toga je ona nešto mnogo veće od mene, kao što je svrha postojanja mnogo veća od svih nas. Mislite o tome šta god želite.
Thank you, and hello.
Hvala vam i zdravo.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)