"Oh, I'm not in the mood". Who here has ever told a partner that before?
(Laughter and murmuring)
We've all done this. And if you haven't said it, then you've probably heard it. Intuitively, we understand that our minds matter when it comes to sex, but we’re quick to focus on bodies, touch and sensation as the most crucial elements. We're less likely to consider the role of our imaginations.
In many parts of our life, we are really great at imagining. Things like vacations or dream homes or career moves. These exercises in imagination help us define what it is we want. They allow us to flirt with what's possible before having to make any decisions. And they're also innately pleasurable, even if those fantasies never actually materialize. Imagination is such a powerful tool. So when it comes to sex, why isn't it one of the first ones that we reach for? When I first started doing research on arousal and desire, I learned that for women, cognition is as important to arousal as the presence of sexual stimuli. In other words, using their memories, fantasies and some focus, women can turn themselves on with their thoughts. This particular study focused on women, and much of my own work is also focused on people who are female identifying. But this much is clear regardless of gender identity: the brain is the biggest sex organ, and everyone can benefit from expanding their sexual imagination.
I first started thinking about this connection between sex and imagination while I was in college. Back then, among my friends, the definition of sex was extremely narrow. It essentially meant penetrative sex between a guy and a girl. And masturbation wasn't a topic of conversation. Frankly, I think that solo sex was seen as a last resort, a desperate or lonely act instead of a fundamentally empowering exploration.
One morning, a friend of mine was telling me about her latest unsatisfying hookup, and I asked her what she had been thinking about during sex. "Hmm," she said. “I don’t know.”
Something about that really struck me. Her entire memory of the experience was what had happened physically. So many of us think that good sex is something that should happen to us, that it’s in someone else’s hands, quite literally, We expect a partner, current or future, to be the magical unlock. Maybe because we feel especially safe with them or attracted to them or because they have more experience than we do. But in doing so, we forget our own agency in the matter. We write ourselves and our imaginations out of the pleasure equation.
I had this hunch that my friend, that many of us, were experiencing a crisis of inspiration. In the years after college, my fascination with the role of imagination and sexuality only grew. Eventually, I left the career I'd built to start a company called Dipsea, which creates stories, audio stories, designed to turn women on. I decided to focus on audio because it's so immersive and so evocative and so personal.
Here's what I mean. Feel free to close your eyes and consider where these sounds take you.
(Birds chirping)
(Water flowing)
OK. Open your eyes. Were those not the sounds you were imagining I'd play?
(Laughter)
Here's what comes to my mind. I'm in the mountains. I can feel the sunshine on my face. I can feel the cool chill coming up off the Alpine water. I can see the tiny flecks of sparkle in the granite. I bet that every person in this room is imagining something a little different, but filled with all sorts of distinct details about the surroundings, about the circumstances. Audio is incredible that way. Erotic audio stories have characters and plot, but like the sounds you just heard create a blueprint for your mind to then fill in the blanks. They allow you to develop your own vision of what's appealing in a way that can get lost when you see something specific or explicit onscreen.
You may not be ready or interested in dipping a toe into erotic audio stories. And that's OK. So today I'm going to walk you through how you might get started creating your own stories and activating your own sexual imagination. I won't take this too far. You don't have to follow along right now. But consider this a guide for the next time you get a little me time.
(Laughter)
First, you'll want to settle into your mind the same way that you might start a meditation. Then imagine that your mind is like a projector. Everything you can see and experience is what's right in front of you. Everything to your left, right, behind you, that's out of frame. This is important because while there are thoughts that turn us on, there are also thoughts that are incredibly effective at turning us off: stress, shame, insecurities, and also the things that inexplicably ick us out. So when a thought appears that isn't working, and it inevitably will, you'll be able to sweep it out of frame.
You can start with your senses. Imagine colors, textures, sounds, images, anything that gives you sensory pleasure. Sometimes I like to imagine cherry blossoms softly floating down from trees. Or I use a fiery pinkish orange or a relaxing blue as a backdrop for the experience that I'm imagining.
Next, try places. And keep in mind that setting will be more important to some of us than to others. Reach back into your memory to that secluded beach you visited many years ago. Or create a setting from scratch with as much privacy and comfort, or as many adventurous stakes as you like. Next think about a person and layer on a narrative. Maybe it's a character from one of your favorite books. Maybe it's your girlfriend. Hey, maybe it's a guy in a kilt. Whoever it is, how do they approach you? What's motivating them? What energy are they coming to you with? What about you? What do you say? And what do you do together? And when you find something that you really like, play it out for a while. You’ll have just designed your own story.
The more you flex this muscle, the more you'll understand what turns you on and be able to communicate those things to a partner. You can share the entire fantasy with them if you're comfortable. That kind of disclosure can be very intimate and affirming. Or ... don't. It is not a betrayal to use your imagination to bring you more pleasure. Fantasy is a safe space, and it's time we bust the myth that what you fantasize about and what you want to happen in reality are always the same thing.
So allow me to offer us a bigger definition of what sex is. Sex isn't just a physical act. It's a mental experience. And it isn't wholly dependent on a partner. It starts with you. You're the one in control of creating the most pleasure for you. You're the protagonist. As much as you love someone or feel attracted to them, they are playing a supporting role. And you for them. Sex is an avenue to accessing feelings of aliveness, empowerment, joy and confidence innate to all of us. That aliveness, that is the impact of sexual wellness. And you will feel it walking down the street, entering any conversation, navigating any relationship. Put that way, none of us can afford not to prioritize sex. It isn't a nice-to-have or an if-I-get-to-it, dead last on our list right after picking up the dry cleaning.
So the next time you notice that you haven't been in the mood for a while, carve some time out for yourself and let your imagination tell you a sexy story.
Thank you.
(Applause)
