(Applause and cheers)
Yeah! Yes. Now is your time to go crazy.
(Applause and cheers)
Now is your time. This is it, man. What a wonderful event. Give it up for yourselves for coming out.
(Applause and cheers)
What an amazing, amazing event. I am so excited, so thrilled to be here. I am a native New Yorker. I am a -- oh my God, thank you, one person.
(Laughter)
I like how the rest of you are like, “Oh look, you made it out. Aw.” (Laughs)
Everybody in New York is getting a little too uptight, anyway, for me. It doesn’t matter what you say in New York, somebody will get upset at something. That’s just how it is. I could do a knock-knock joke and someone will be like, “I never had a door.”
(Laughter)
We need that little bit of release. We need that salvation within comedy. That’s why I like to travel, too. I like to meet new people. I like to go to different places. Like, I travel a lot. I was in the South not too long ago. I love the South because everybody’s very suspiciously kind.
(Laughter)
Yeah, I’m from New York; we don’t trust kindness.
(Laughter)
I love the accent, too. I’m a sucker for the Southern accent. I think it’s so charming. Like last time I was in the South, I was leaving this Starbucks, and this guy held the door open for me. And first of all, I’m so damaged. I was like, “I do deserve love. Thank you!”
(Laughter)
And then I look up and he’s got a cowboy hat on, and I’m like, “Oh, hello, fantasy.” And then as I’m walking out, he touches the brim of his hat and he goes, “Howdy, ma’am.” Whoo. I was like, “All right, well --
(Laughter)
if you insist.”
(Laughter)
“Let’s go to your ranch.”
(Laughter)
I assume you get one with the hat.
I do get to travel a lot for work -- I’m very lucky to travel a lot for work. I was on a cruise ship not too long ago. I don’t know if any of you have been on cruise ships. They’re very fun, especially if you love food like I do. I love food so much. I'm thinking about it right now.
(Laughter)
Cruise ships are great, there’s food everywhere. Everywhere. Wherever you turned there was a tray of something, and you’re like, “I guess I’m still hungry. I thought I wasn’t -- I just had a seven-course meal but I’ll have one of these, too.”
Best thing: last cruise ship I was on had a 24-hour pizza station. That’s right, 24 hours, like God intended.
(Laughter)
And I remember I was going to get pizza, it was like in the morning. I wasn’t awake. I set an alarm.
(Laughter)
I’m dedicated.
(Laughter)
(Laughs) Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. I see the real foodies in the audience that know what I’m talking about. I go there, I order my pizza. The woman behind me goes to order her pizza, and in full volume with full confidence she says to the person behind the counter, she goes, “Um ... can I get a Marg-herita pizza?”
(Laughter)
Not Margherita.
(Laughter)
She said a Marg-herita pizza.
(Laughter)
Have you ever had somebody say something wrong ... with such confidence --
(Laughter)
that it made you question how you’ve been saying it your whole life?
(Laughter)
She was so sure of herself, because someone tried to correct her -- the woman behind her was like, “Um, I think it’s Margherita?” and she turned around and went, “I said what I said.”
(Laugther)
I was like, “Oh, she did say what she said. That’s crazy.” I want that kind of confidence. I was like, “She might be onto something. Let me get one of them Peppe-ronnis, real quick. That’s right, throw some ja-la-penos on there, I like my pizza spicy!”
(Laughter)
I met my husband on a cruise ship, I got married, I just celebrated two years of being married not too long ago. Yes, you can clap, I like him.
(Laughter)
I appreciate the pause you took to make sure I was happy, though. Good job. You were like, “Is she all right? Oh, no, he’s a good dude.”
I will tell you this: planning a wedding was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life. Everybody was stressing me out. Even one of my girlfriends was like, “Are you going to lose weight for your wedding?” I was like, “No, but I’m going to lose girlfriends.”
(Laughter and applause)
That’s right. Sometimes you got to let them know, “Sorry, sis, you ain’t making the cut.”
(Laughter)
Everybody though, like, I went to where I picked out my wedding dress. The people at the bridal shop said, “You have to lose weight for the dress. You have to lose weight for the dress.” I was like, “How about I just get a dress that fits?”
(Laughter)
What a novel concept. I’m not going to buy a dress that’s too small and then starve myself, so that the day of my wedding, they have to staple it to my crackhead-like body as I hobble down the aisle like something out of “The Walking Dead.” Like I just walk down there like, (Zombie imitation) “I love you so much. Does anybody have a Capri Sun? I’m starving.”
(Laughter)
No ... I wore Spanx like a grown-up.
(Laughter and applause)
That's right.
(Applause and cheers)
If you’ve ever worn Spanx, then, you know ... the saddest part about wearing them is taking them off at the end of the night. You put them on, you feel invicible, but then the night comes and it’s like “Womp, womp womp.” They just roll off. All you have to show for your hard work is a roadmap of pain embedded --
(Laughter)
into your skin ... from how tight -- but you touch it, it’s like Braille, it’s like, “Help me!”
(Laughter)
I love seeing the women that identify with that so much.
(Laughter)
But I love it even more when they’re sitting next to a woman that has no idea what I’m talking about --
(Laughter)
because that woman always looks outraged.
(Laughter)
I was at a show once and this woman was like, “That sounds awful. Why wouldn’t you just diet and exercise?” I’m like, “That sounds awful.”
(Laughter and applause)
Why wouldn’t I just wear Spanx and eat what I want? I just feel like, YOLO. (Laughs)
The best thing about my wedding, honestly, was that my sister helped me with my vows, which was great because I was very nervous to write my vows. My husband wanted us to write our vows because he has feelings. And so --
(Laughter)
my sister helped me. And I’m very close to my sister, we are twins. I have an identical twin sister. I don't talk a lot about being a twin because people ask stupid twin questions. They do, without fail. Whenever I say I’m an identical twin, someone will go, “Do you guys look alike?”
(Laughter)
Well, nothing gets past you, huh?
(Laughter)
You’re a sharp one.
We’re very different personality-wise, which is what always freaks people out when they meet us. Like, I’m very silly and playful and my sister is very dark and sarcastic. And she has low self-esteem, which is weird because she has my face.
(Laughter)
Do you know what it’s like when someone that looks exactly like you calls you up and goes, “I feel so ugly?”
(Laughter and applause)
You guys have been phenomenal. I’ve been Gina Brillon. Thank you so much, guys.
(Applause and cheers)
