I always believed in what I thought was body positivity. I believe that you should love yourself at any size, while still working toward any health goal you may have. People of all shapes and sizes deserve love, respect and equal opportunities. But in our discriminatory society, we don't always get that.
Growing up in the Bronx, I watched people struggle. Drugs, finances, poor living conditions — and I always wanted to bring joy and positivity to those people. Through my various talents, of course. But when I was growing up, fat people were not the figureheads, the models, the pop stars, right? Fat people were non-existent or the butt of the joke.
So I found other ways to express myself and share my personality with the world and my message of self-love. In 2010, I made a YouTube channel. After years of watching other content, I was inspired to make my own. And my natural confidence drew people in. I started to see myself as a voice for plus-size women, women of color and others who felt disenfranchised like I did. I made videos showing my outfits and my makeup, my hair, and tips on what stores had plus-size-friendly options. And by just being myself, I grew my channel to almost 200,000 subscribers and I was helping people like me.
I felt so much love from women like me who were sending me heartwarming messages about how I was the reason they felt brave enough to wear a bikini for the first time in their lives. Eventually, this led me to the body positivity community online, a place where people supported each other, people of all shapes and sizes. I personally never put a name to what I was doing. I just knew I wanted to be a beacon of light for others who experienced similar struggles to my own. But the body positivity community was a place where people celebrated different bodies. It felt like a warm blanket and it was a space where everyone uplifted each other no matter what you looked like. A place where my body wasn't a hindrance to my success, but a welcome piece.
Of course, there were people outside the community who told me I was glorifying obesity, right? You hear that a lot. "You're glorifying obesity. How dare you?" But I never let that stop me because positivity will always be greater than negativity for me. I will always keep the spotlight on the love I receive, not the hate. Because the space I carved out for myself online was one that I felt always exuded positivity, uplifting attitudes and love.
But in early 2023, that sense of community started to unravel. My dear friend, who was a pioneer in the body positivity movement, passed away. And it hit me, you know, I was devastated, of course, I lost my friend. But it also hit me that my habits could cause me to end up in a similar situation. I had to take a hard, honest look at my habits and where I was going with my health, because the consequences of your actions don't hit you when you're young, as they do with age. And although not the case for everyone, make it clear, for me personally, that warm, supportive blanket of the body positivity community was causing me to lose sight of my health and gain weight.
My friend's death shook me to my core, and so I made a TikTok video out of sadness and angst. I was emotional. I lost a friend and I felt indebted to my community, I owed them an explanation and a conversation because my audience is easily like, you feel indebted to your younger viewers, who could be easily influenced by how glamorous and trendy your life can look. Even when I wasn't feeling my best and at my heaviest, I put on my nice outfits and I made my content. My friend's death made me realize I wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. And so I made this video and I was harsh and emotional at times. I never meant to hurt anyone. I made it as a wake up call to call in others like me, who finally wanted to make a positive change and a healthy change in their life.
Of course, there were those who accused me of turning my back on the community and everything that I and the community stood for, but I was scared because I was getting to the point where ... I took pictures of myself or I saw videos and I didn't recognize myself. I was bigger than I realized I was. I got to the point where I didn't want to leave the house because I could barely walk. I was out of breath. In that TikTok video, I said that we should love ourselves at any size, while still being aware of the potential dangers of obesity like heart disease, diabetes and other diseases that, while affect the entire population, right, we all know a skinny person with diabetes, but it can disproportionately affect those of us who are obese.
Throughout my career, I had talked about my struggles with being plus size, and I'd made content around weight loss journeys, and I shared those struggles and those journeys online. But in more recent years, I've begun to tread more carefully because I was scared of rejection from the community. I was scared of being canceled, right? Who isn't afraid of saying the wrong thing? But the body positivity community had changed as well. It was no longer sending a message of "love yourself at any size." It was now radical fat acceptance. The idea that if you lose weight or go on a health journey, that you hate yourself, or that you hate other fat people, and that you're feeding into this harmful narrative that weight loss is the only way to happiness, which isn't true.
I began noticing an overwhelming lack of empathy toward me and anyone else who talked about weight loss, some even going as far as to say that anyone who pursued a health journey was dead to them. This is videos that we're seeing on TikTok of people in the comments, in the captions saying "So-and-so R.I.P." because now they want to lose weight. That doesn't sound like the warm, supportive community I joined. Some even went as far as to say that the word obese was now a slur.
So when I posted my video, some people in the community said, "Wow, what a breath of fresh air, we needed this, someone had to say this." But the radical fat acceptance community turned on me and turned me into a pariah. The attacks were intense. I got called a mean girl, a phony, a bully, a piece of shit. I mean, you can imagine how bad it was.
But that's not what hurt me the most. Because I'm strong, I'm from the Bronx, I can deal with it. What hurt me the most is thinking about people who are going to suffer in silence, like me. People who won't ask for help because they're scared of being attacked like I was. My heart is with those of us who struggle with our weight. Who want to be our healthiest selves and still love the bodies that we're currently in. Because by daring to live out loud and being right here, right now, I'm still fighting for the equality of fat people.
Two things can be true at once. Fat people can be treated badly by society and often are. But fat people can be healthy or unhealthy, right? Like any of us. And by trying to lose weight or bringing attention to the dangers of obesity, we are not hating ourselves or hating anyone else. Because like I said before, being thin is not the cure to happiness. It's not like the easy way to happiness.
I can love myself and want to make a change for the better. I would argue loving yourself makes you want to change for the better. And I would hope that any of you want to make a change in your life for the better, regardless of what you look like or what your body looks like.
Body autonomy embraces this exact sentiment. You should be able to do whatever you want with your body like I can do with mine, right? Because either-or thinking is dangerous. We have some people on one side who think that anyone who's fat should just cease to exist. "Oh my God, I don't want to see it." But that's not realistic. And on the other hand, you have people who think any weight loss journey is a betrayal. We need more empathy, more compassion, more nuanced conversations about this topic, because loving yourself at any size will always be my message.
A health journey is an act of self-love, not an act of self-hate. I hope that by sharing my story, we can have more honest and open and compassionate conversations about health and wellness and loving yourself. Because I am still fat, right? We see that. But whether or not that changes, I will always believe in body positivity, body autonomy and loving yourself at any size.
Thank you.
(Applause)
