For the past few years, we've been calling men out. It had to be done.
近些年,我們一直在抨擊父權社會 你我都知道這是必要的
(Applause)
(掌聲)
But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder. We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says, to find a way to call men in.
最近,我更認為應該 採取更強硬的手段 就像我的朋友湯尼.波特 所言,我們必需 找出方法,讓男性參與其中
My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old. He would come into my room in the middle of the night. He appeared to be in a trance. The abuse continued until I was 10. When I tried to resist him, when I was finally able to say no, he began to beat me. He called me stupid. He said I was a liar.
自我五歲起,我父親 便開始對我施予性虐待 他會在半夜進到我房間 看似無法控制自己 整件事持續到我 10 歲 當時,我試著拒絕他 我終於有勇氣頂撞他 我父親便開始毆打我 他辱罵我是蠢蛋 是個騙子
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10, but actually, it never ended. It changed who I was. I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time, and I didn't know why. I hated my body, I hated myself, I got sick a lot, I couldn't think, I couldn't remember things. I was drawn to dangerous men and women who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly, because that is what my father taught me love was.
10 歲後,性虐待彷彿畫下句點 但事實上,永遠沒有結束的一天 這樣的事改變了我這個人 我隨時無來由的 感到焦慮、罪惡、羞恥 我厭惡我的身體,也厭惡我自己 我很常生病 我無法思考 我記性很差 我為危險份子所迷惑 我讓我自己這樣,應該說 我樂意暴露在危險之中 這是我父親教會我的 我以為這就是愛
I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me. He didn't. He wouldn't. And then, with the recent scandals of famous men, as one after another was exposed, I realized something: I have never heard a man who has committed rape or physical violence ever publicly apologize to his victim. I began to wonder, what would an authentic, deep apology be like?
我一生都在等,等我父親向我道歉 他並沒有這麼做 他也不會這麼做 最近,那些男性公眾人物爆出醜聞 一件接著一件攤在大眾眼前 我領悟到一件事 我從來沒聽過男性 那些犯下強暴或肢體暴力的男性 公開向受害者表達歉意 我感到非常不解 真心道歉會是什麼樣子
So, something strange began to happen. I began to write, and my father's voice began to come through me. He began to tell me what he had done and why. He began to apologize. My father is dead almost 31 years, and yet, in this apology, the one I had to write for him, I discovered the power of an apology and how it actually might be the way to move forward in the crisis we now face with men and all the women they abuse.
所以,意想不到的事發生了 我開始寫作 我父親的聲音在我腦海中迴盪 他跟我說了他犯下什麼錯 還有為什麼要這麼做 我父親向我道歉 他離開快 31 年了 但這一次道歉 是我替他寫的 我感受到道歉的力量 這也許是我們告別不堪過往的方法 對現在無數施暴的男性和受暴的女性 也許都很管用
Apology is a sacred commitment. It requires complete honesty. It demands deep self-interrogation and time. It cannot be rushed. I discovered an apology has four steps, and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.
道歉是至高無上的承諾 需要十足的誠實 需要質問自己的內心,也需要時間 這件事急不來 我發現,道歉有四個步驟 請讓我跟各位一一說明
The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did. Your accounting cannot be vague. "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you" doesn't cut it. You have to say what actually happened. "I came into the room in the middle of the night, and I pulled your underpants down." "I belittled you because I was jealous of you and I wanted you to feel less." The liberation is in the details. An apology is a remembering. It connects the past with the present. It says that what occurred actually did occur.
首先,你必須詳細表明你做了什麼 不得含糊帶過 「對不起,我傷害了你」 或是「我曾經對你性虐待,很抱歉」 不要想長話短說 你必須要描述當時的情形 「我半夜進到你房間 把你的內褲脫下來」 「我這麼貶低你是因為忌妒心 我想要你覺得自己一文不值」 這些細節會斷開一切束縛 道歉能夠刻骨銘心 連結了過往和當下 道歉讓我們正視這些事
The second step is you have to ask yourself why. Survivors are haunted by the why. Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter? Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall? In my father's case, he was a child born long after the other children. He was an accident that became "the miracle." He was adored and treated as the golden boy. But adoration, it turns out, is not love. Adoration is a projection of someone's need for you to be perfect onto you. My father had to live up to this impossible ideal, and so he was never allowed to be himself. He was never allowed to express tenderness or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt. He was never allowed to cry. And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground, and they eventually metastasized. Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman, and he was out of control, and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.
下一步是問問自己背後的原因 這些原因長久糾纏著倖存者 為什麼?我父親為什麼 想要性虐待他的大女兒? 為什麼他會攫著我的頭,砸向牆壁? 我父親因為 與兄姐年齡差異甚大 他當時是意外之喜,是個「奇蹟」 他集寵愛於一身,是家裡的寶貝 如此的寵愛,實則並不是單純的愛 而是讓他肩上承載了 一家人的期望 凡事必須臻至完美 我父親日日被這種無理要求所逼 他甚至沒辦法做自己 他從來不能展現溫柔的一面 或是脆弱、好奇和疑慮 他必須忍住淚水 強迫自己把所有情緒吞下肚 這些情緒漸漸轉移到別的地方 他壓抑情緒,心中有了陰影 自己也控制不了 他將這些情緒洪流宣洩在我身上
The third step is you have to open your heart and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her. You have to let your heart break. You have to feel the horror and betrayal and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim. You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.
第三個步驟:你必須敞開心胸 替被害者角度感受 當你施暴時,她是作何感想 你也該嚐嚐那種撕心裂肺 也該感受恐懼或遭背叛的感覺 還有你的行為帶給受害者長期影響 你必須壟罩在自己招致的痛苦中
And, of course, the fourth step is taking responsibility for what you have done and making amends.
最後,第四個步驟 為自己的行為擔起責任 並且做出改變
So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process? Why would you want to rip yourself open? Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free. It is the only thing that will set your victim free. You didn't just destroy your victim. You destroyed yourself. There is no one who enacts violence on another person who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves. It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit, and it spreads throughout your entire life.
哪裡會有人願意歷經 這樣折磨人又放下身段的過程 哪裡會有人願意揭開身上的舊傷疤 因為這是解脫的唯一途徑 也只有這個辦法 能讓你的受害者走出陰霾 你不只毀了受害者的一生 更摧毀了自己 凡是向人動粗 便一定會咎由自取、迎來痛苦 這樣的行為將使心靈失去色彩與純潔 一生都會身受其害
The apology I wrote -- I learned something about a different lens we have to look through to understand the problem of men's violence that I and one billion other women have survived. We often turn to punishment first. It's our first instinct, but actually, although punishment sometimes is effective, on its own, it is not enough. My father punished me. I was shut down, and I was broken. I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us. Humiliation is not revelation. We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment, whereby we open a doorway where men can actually become something and someone else.
藉由寫下道歉的字眼 我學到了一件事 我們必須把有色眼光抽離 以正視男性暴力這個問題 包括我在內的十億名女性 必須活在這道陰影下 我們常想先付諸懲罰途徑 這是反射動作,但實際上 也許懲罰有時會起效果 仍然是勢單力薄、力有未逮 我父親懲罰我 他否定我的價值 讓我悲痛欲絕 我認為懲罰讓我們更冷酷 卻沒學到真理 污辱並不能表達任何事情 我們必須創造一個途徑 也許包含懲罰於其中 我們能釋出機會 讓男人能扮演不同的角色
For so many years, I hated my father. I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison. But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story. What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to apologize. That's what we want. We don't want men to be destroyed, we don't want them to only be punished. We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed, and we want them to repent and change. And I actually believe this is possible. And I really believe it's our way forward. But we need men to join us. We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation. I have spent most of my life calling men out, and I am here now, right now, to call you in.
我憎恨我父親非常多年 我咒他死,也期盼牢獄之災降臨於他 事實上,如此忿恨卻讓我 更貼近我父親的背景 我不只是想我父親能夠停止 我希望他有所改變 和表達歉意 這是我們要的 我們不是要他們粉身碎骨 也並非僅僅受到懲罰 他們應該看見自己的惡行傷害了受害者 並且深深悔改 和改過自新 我相信確實是有可能的 也認為這是我們下一個方向 但我們需要男性的投入 我們需要男性鼓起勇氣 參與這樣的轉型過程 我一生始終在抨擊父權主義 但就在這個場合 這個時間 我希望你們加入
Thank you.
謝謝大家
(Applause) Thank you.
(掌聲) 謝謝
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Thank you, thank you.
非常謝謝
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