For the past few years, we've been calling men out. It had to be done.
U poslednjih nekoliko godina, prozivamo muškarce. Morali smo to da učinimo.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder. We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says, to find a way to call men in.
Nedavno sam počela da mislim da treba nešto još teže da preduzmemo. Moramo, kako bi moj dobar drug, Toni Porter, rekao, da nađemo način da ih uključimo u razgovor.
My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old. He would come into my room in the middle of the night. He appeared to be in a trance. The abuse continued until I was 10. When I tried to resist him, when I was finally able to say no, he began to beat me. He called me stupid. He said I was a liar.
Moj otac počeo je da me seksualno zlostavlja kada sam imala pet godina. Došao bi u moju sobu usred noći. Činilo se kao da je u transu. Zlostavljanje se nastavilo do moje desete godine. Kada sam pokušala da se odbranim, kada sam napokon postala sposobna da mu kažem "Ne.", počeo je da me tuče. Nazivao me glupom. Govorio da sam lažov.
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10, but actually, it never ended. It changed who I was. I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time, and I didn't know why. I hated my body, I hated myself, I got sick a lot, I couldn't think, I couldn't remember things. I was drawn to dangerous men and women who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly, because that is what my father taught me love was.
Seksualno zlostavljanje završilo se kada sam imala 10 godina, ali se, zapravo, nikad nije završilo. Promenilo me je kao osobu. Bila sam ispunjena strahom i krivicom, i sramotom sve vreme, i nisam znala zašto. Mrzela sam svoje telo, mrzela sam sebe, često sam bila bolesna, nisam mogla da razmišljam, pamćenje me nije služilo. Privlačili su me opasni muškarci i žene kojima sam dopuštala - zapravo sam to i dozivala - da me loše tretiraju, jer me je otac naučio da je to ljubav.
I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me. He didn't. He wouldn't. And then, with the recent scandals of famous men, as one after another was exposed, I realized something: I have never heard a man who has committed rape or physical violence ever publicly apologize to his victim. I began to wonder, what would an authentic, deep apology be like?
Ceo život sam čekala da mi se otac izvini. Nije. Nije hteo. A onda, nakon aktuelnih skandala poznatih muškaraca, dok su se jedan za drugim otkrivali, shvatila sam nešto: nikada nisam čula muškarca, koji je izvršio silovanje ili fizičko nasilje, kako se javno izvinjava svojoj žrtvi. Počela sam se pitati, kako bi izgledalo jedno iskreno i ozbiljno izvinjenje.
So, something strange began to happen. I began to write, and my father's voice began to come through me. He began to tell me what he had done and why. He began to apologize. My father is dead almost 31 years, and yet, in this apology, the one I had to write for him, I discovered the power of an apology and how it actually might be the way to move forward in the crisis we now face with men and all the women they abuse.
Tako je nešto čudno počelo da se dešava. Počela sam da pišem, i glas moga oca počeo je kroz mene da se oglašava. Počeo je da mi govori šta mi je uradio i zašto. Počeo je da se izvinjava. Otac mi je mrtav već skoro 31 godinu, ali bez obzira, u tom izvinjenju, koje sam ja morala da napišem za njega, otkrila sam moć izvinjenja i kako bi ono moglo biti pravi način da krenemo dalje, u krizi u kojoj se nalazimo trenutno sa muškarcima i svim ženama koje oni zlostavljaju.
Apology is a sacred commitment. It requires complete honesty. It demands deep self-interrogation and time. It cannot be rushed. I discovered an apology has four steps, and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.
Izvinjenje je sveto delo. Zahteva potpunu iskrenost. Zahteva duboko ispitivanje samoga sebe i mnogo vremena. Ne može se požurivati. Saznala sam da se izvinjenje sastoji od četiri koraka, koja bih, ako vam to odgovara, htela da vam predstavim.
The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did. Your accounting cannot be vague. "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you" doesn't cut it. You have to say what actually happened. "I came into the room in the middle of the night, and I pulled your underpants down." "I belittled you because I was jealous of you and I wanted you to feel less." The liberation is in the details. An apology is a remembering. It connects the past with the present. It says that what occurred actually did occur.
Kao prvo morate detaljno izreći šta ste učinili. Vaše izvinjenje ne sme da bude nejasno. "Izvini, ako sam te povredio" "Izvini, ako sam te seksualno zlostavljao," nije dovoljno. Morate reći šta se tačno dogodilo. "Došao sam ti u sobu usred noći, i skinuo ti gaćice." "Omalovažavao sam te jer sam ti zavideo i hteo da se osećaš manje vrednom." Oslobođenje se nalazi u detaljima. Izvinjenje je prisećanje. Spaja prošlost i sadašnjost. Potvrđuje da se ono što se desilo stvarno desilo.
The second step is you have to ask yourself why. Survivors are haunted by the why. Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter? Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall? In my father's case, he was a child born long after the other children. He was an accident that became "the miracle." He was adored and treated as the golden boy. But adoration, it turns out, is not love. Adoration is a projection of someone's need for you to be perfect onto you. My father had to live up to this impossible ideal, and so he was never allowed to be himself. He was never allowed to express tenderness or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt. He was never allowed to cry. And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground, and they eventually metastasized. Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman, and he was out of control, and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.
Drugi korak je da se upitate "Zašto?". Preživele progoni pitanje "Zašto?". Zašto? Zašto bi moj otac hteo da seksualno zlostavlja svoju najstariju ćerku? Zašto bi hteo da mi glavu udari o zid? U slučaju moga oca, bio je dete rođeno mnogo posle ostale dece. Bio je nepredviđen i postao "čudo". Obožavali su ga i tretirali ga kao nešto sasvim posebno - omiljeno dete. Ali obožavanje, ispostavilo se, nije ljubav. Obožavanje je projekcija nečije potrebe da budeš savršen na tebe. Moj otac morao je da dostigne taj nemogući ideal, pa zato nikada nije smeo da bude ono što jeste. Nikada nije smeo da izrazi nežnost ili ranjivost, radoznalost, neizvesnost. Nikada nije smeo da zaplače. I tako je bio prisiljen da sva svoja osećanja potisne, i ona su na kraju metastazirala. Ta potisnuta osećanja kasnije su postala senka, i ta senka izgubila je kontrolu, pa je, naposletku, kada je puštena sa lanca, krenula na mene.
The third step is you have to open your heart and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her. You have to let your heart break. You have to feel the horror and betrayal and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim. You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.
Treći korak je da morate otvoriti dušu i osetiti kako se vaša žrtva osećala dok ste je zlostavljali. Morate svome srcu dopustiti da se slomi. Morate osetiti taj horor i tu izdaju i dugoročni uticaj vašeg zlostavljanja na vašu žrtvu. Morate sesti sa patnjom koju ste uzrokovali.
And, of course, the fourth step is taking responsibility for what you have done and making amends.
I, naravno, četvrti korak je da prihvatitie svoju krivicu u onome što se uradili i ispravite grešku.
So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process? Why would you want to rip yourself open? Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free. It is the only thing that will set your victim free. You didn't just destroy your victim. You destroyed yourself. There is no one who enacts violence on another person who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves. It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit, and it spreads throughout your entire life.
Dakle, zašto bi iko poželeo da prođe kroz toliko naporan i ponižavajuć proces? Zašto bi neko hteo da se toliko otvori? Zato što je to jedino što bi vas moglo osloboditi. Takođe je jedino što bi oslobodilo njegovu žrtvu. Niste uništili samo vašu žrtvu. Uništili ste i samoga sebe. Ne postoji osoba koja drugoj nanosi zlo, a posledice ne nosi i sama. Stvara neverovatno mračnu i zaraznu energiju, koja se širi kroz ceo vaš život.
The apology I wrote -- I learned something about a different lens we have to look through to understand the problem of men's violence that I and one billion other women have survived. We often turn to punishment first. It's our first instinct, but actually, although punishment sometimes is effective, on its own, it is not enough. My father punished me. I was shut down, and I was broken. I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us. Humiliation is not revelation. We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment, whereby we open a doorway where men can actually become something and someone else.
Izvinjenje koje sam napisala - naučila sam nešto o drugoj prespektivi, iz koje treba da posmatramo, kako bismo razumeli problem muškog nasilja, koje smo preživele ja i milijardu drugih žena. Često se prvo osvrćemo kazni. To nam je prvi instinkt, ali zapravo, iako je kazna nekada efikasna, sama po sebi nije dovoljna. Moj otac me je kažnjavao. Bila sam odbačena i bila sam slomljena. Smatram da nas kazne čine jačima ali nas ne uče ničemu. Poniženje nije otkrovenje. Moramo da stvorimo proces, koji možda obuhvata i kaznu, ali i otvara vrata mogućnosti da muškarci postanu nešto drugo ili neko drugi.
For so many years, I hated my father. I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison. But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story. What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to apologize. That's what we want. We don't want men to be destroyed, we don't want them to only be punished. We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed, and we want them to repent and change. And I actually believe this is possible. And I really believe it's our way forward. But we need men to join us. We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation. I have spent most of my life calling men out, and I am here now, right now, to call you in.
Toliko godina mrzela sam svoga oca. Htela sam da umre. Htela sam da ga pritvore. Ali me je taj bes povezivao sa očevom pričom. Ono što sam stvarno htela nije bilo samo da ga neko zaustavi. Htela sam da se promeni. Htela sam da se izvini. To je ono što želimo. Ne želimo da muškarci budu uništeni, ne želimo da budu samo kažnjavani. Želimo da nas vide, žrtve kojima su naudili, i želimo da se pokajaju i da se promene. A ja stvarno verujem da je to moguće. I ja stvarno verujem da nam je to način da krenemo dalje. Ali treba da nam se muškarci priključe. Treba da muškarci budu hrabri i budu deo ove transformacije. Provela sam većinu svog života kritikujući muškarce, i sad sam ovde, da vas upravo sad, pozovem, da se priključite razgovoru.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause) Thank you.
(Aplauz) Hvala.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Thank you, thank you.
Hvala vam, hvala.
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