Zadnjih nekoliko godina prozivamo muškarce. Moralo se.
For the past few years, we've been calling men out. It had to be done.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
Ali, u posljednje vrijeme, mislim da moramo uraditi nešto što je čak i teže. Trebamo, što bi moj dobar prijatelj Tony Porter rekao, naći način da pozovemo muškarce da odreaguju.
But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder. We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says, to find a way to call men in.
Otac me je počeo seksualno zlostavljati kada mi je bilo pet godina. Došao bi mi u sobu u sred noći. Činilo se kao da je u nekom transu. To zlostavljanje se nastavilo do moje desete godine. Kada sam pokušala da mu se oduprem, kada sam konačno bila u stanju da mu kažem 'ne' počeo je da me tuče. Zvao me je glupačom. Rekao je da sam lažljivica.
My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old. He would come into my room in the middle of the night. He appeared to be in a trance. The abuse continued until I was 10. When I tried to resist him, when I was finally able to say no, he began to beat me. He called me stupid. He said I was a liar.
Seksualno zlostavljanje je prestalo kad mi je bilo 10, ali, u biti, nikad nije prestalo. Promijenilo me je, Bila sam ispunjena tjeskobom i krivicom i stidom, cijelo vrijeme, a nisam znala zašto. Mrzila sam svoje tijelo, mrzila sam sebe, Često sam se razboljevala, Nisam mogla misliti, Nisam mogla da zapamtim stvari. Privlačili su me opasni muškarci i žene Kojima sam dozvoljavala - tačnije, poticala ih da se prema meni loše odnose jer je to bilo ono što me je otac naučio da je ljubav.
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10, but actually, it never ended. It changed who I was. I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time, and I didn't know why. I hated my body, I hated myself, I got sick a lot, I couldn't think, I couldn't remember things. I was drawn to dangerous men and women who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly, because that is what my father taught me love was.
Cijeli život sam čekala da mi se otac izvini. Nije. I ne bi. A onda, uz ove skorašnje skandale poznatih muškaraca, kako su jedan za drugim razotkrivani, Nešto sam shvatila Nikad nisam čula da se neki muškarac koji je počinio silovanje ili fizičko nasilje ikada javno izvinuo svojoj žrtvi. Počela sam se pitati, kako bi izgledalo jedno pravo, duboko izvinjenje?
I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me. He didn't. He wouldn't. And then, with the recent scandals of famous men, as one after another was exposed, I realized something: I have never heard a man who has committed rape or physical violence ever publicly apologize to his victim. I began to wonder, what would an authentic, deep apology be like?
I tako, nešto čudno se počelo dešavati. Počela sam da pišem, a glas moga oca je počeo da prolazi kroz mene. Počeo je da mi priča šta je učinio i zašto. Počeo je da se izvinjava. Moj otac je mrtav skoro 31 godinu, pa ipak, u ovom izvinjenju, onom koje sam ja morala da napišem umjesto njega, otkrila sam snagu izvinjenja i kako bi to, u stvari, mogao biti način da se krene dalje u krizi sa kojom se sada suočavamo sa muškarcima i svim ženama koje zlostavljaju.
So, something strange began to happen. I began to write, and my father's voice began to come through me. He began to tell me what he had done and why. He began to apologize. My father is dead almost 31 years, and yet, in this apology, the one I had to write for him, I discovered the power of an apology and how it actually might be the way to move forward in the crisis we now face with men and all the women they abuse.
Izvinjenje je sveta posvećenost. Zahtijeva potpunu iskrenost. Traži duboko samo-preispitivanje i vrijeme. Ne može se požurivati. Otkrila sam da izvinjenje sadrži četiri koraka i, ako želite, htjela bih da vas provedem kroz njih.
Apology is a sacred commitment. It requires complete honesty. It demands deep self-interrogation and time. It cannot be rushed. I discovered an apology has four steps, and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.
Kao prvo, morate reći šta ste, u detalje, učinili. Vaše izlaganje ne može biti neodređeno. "Žao mi je ako sam te povrijedio" ili "Žao mi je ako sam te seksualno zlostavljao" ne pomaže. Morate reći šta se zaista dogodilo. "Ušao sam u sobu u sred noći, i svukao sam ti gaćice." "Ponizio sam te jer sam bio ljubomoran na tebe i želio sam da se osjećaš manje vrijednom." Spas je u detaljima. Izvinjenje je jedno prisjećanje. Ono povezuje prošlost sa sadašnjošću. Ono kaže da to što se desilo se, u stvari, zaista i desilo.
The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did. Your accounting cannot be vague. "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you" doesn't cut it. You have to say what actually happened. "I came into the room in the middle of the night, and I pulled your underpants down." "I belittled you because I was jealous of you and I wanted you to feel less." The liberation is in the details. An apology is a remembering. It connects the past with the present. It says that what occurred actually did occur.
Drugi korak je da se morate zapitati - zašto. One koji prežive proganja pitanje 'zašto?' Zašto? Zašto bi moj otac želio da seksualno zlostavlja najstariju kćer? Zašto bi mi glavom udario o zid? Kad je moj otac u pitanju, on je bio dijete rođeno dugo nakon ostale djece. Bio slučajnost koja je postala "čudo". Obožavali su ga i tretirali kao zlatnog dečka. Ali obožavanje, što se kasnije ispostavilo, nije ljubav. Obožavanje je projekcija nečije potrebe da ste savršeni, na vas. Moj je otac morao da dostigne taj nemogući ideal, tako da nikad nije smio da bude ono što jeste. Nikad nije smio da izrazi nježnost ili ranjivost, radoznalost, sumnju. Nije nikad smio da zaplače. I tako je bio prisiljen da potisne sva ova osjećanja, i ona su na kraju metastazirala. Ova potisnuta osjećanja su kasije postala jedna sjena, i bila je izvan kontrole, i na kraju se otrgnula sa lanca i sva njena sila se obrušila na mene.
The second step is you have to ask yourself why. Survivors are haunted by the why. Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter? Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall? In my father's case, he was a child born long after the other children. He was an accident that became "the miracle." He was adored and treated as the golden boy. But adoration, it turns out, is not love. Adoration is a projection of someone's need for you to be perfect onto you. My father had to live up to this impossible ideal, and so he was never allowed to be himself. He was never allowed to express tenderness or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt. He was never allowed to cry. And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground, and they eventually metastasized. Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman, and he was out of control, and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.
Treći korak je da morate otvoriti srce i osjetiti šta je vaša žrtva osjećala dok ste je zlostavljali. Morate pustiti da vam se srce slomi. Morate osjetiti taj užas i izdaju i dugotrajne posljedice vašeg zlostavljanja na vašu žrtvu. Morate razmisliti o patnji koju ste prouzrokovali.
The third step is you have to open your heart and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her. You have to let your heart break. You have to feel the horror and betrayal and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim. You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.
I, naravno, četvrti korak je da preuzete odgovornost za ono što ste učinili i da popravite stvar.
And, of course, the fourth step is taking responsibility for what you have done and making amends.
Pa, zašto bi iko poželio da prođe kroz tako mukotrpan i ponižavajući proces? Zašto biste poželjeli da se toliko otvorite? Zato što je to jedini način da oslobodite dušu. To je jedina stvar koja će osloboditi vašu žrtvu. Vi niste uništili samo svoju žrtvu. Vi ste uništili i sebe. Ne postoji onaj koji je nanio zlo drugoj osobi, a koji i sam ne trpi posljedice toga. To stvara nevjerovatno tamno i zagađeno stanje duha i ono opstaje tokom čitavog vašeg života.
So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process? Why would you want to rip yourself open? Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free. It is the only thing that will set your victim free. You didn't just destroy your victim. You destroyed yourself. There is no one who enacts violence on another person who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves. It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit, and it spreads throughout your entire life.
Izvinjenje koje sam napisala - naučila sam nešto o različitim perspektivama iz kojih treba da gledamo na stvar da bismo razumijeli problem muškog nasilja koje smo ja i milijardu drugih žena iskusile. Često se prvo okrećemo kazni. To je naš prvi impuls, ali u stvari, iako je kazna ponekad efikasna sama po sebi nije dovoljna. Moj me je otac kaznio. Zatvorila sam se i slomila sam se. Mislim da nas kazna očvrsne, ali nas ne nauči. Poniženje nije otkrovenje. Mi, u stvari, trebamo stvoriti proces koji će možda obuhvatiti kaznu, ali kojim otvaramo prostor u kojem će muškarci, u stvari, postati nešto drugo i neko drugi.
The apology I wrote -- I learned something about a different lens we have to look through to understand the problem of men's violence that I and one billion other women have survived. We often turn to punishment first. It's our first instinct, but actually, although punishment sometimes is effective, on its own, it is not enough. My father punished me. I was shut down, and I was broken. I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us. Humiliation is not revelation. We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment, whereby we open a doorway where men can actually become something and someone else.
Toliko godina sam mrzila svoga oca. Željela sam da umre. Željela sam da ga strpaju u zatvor. Ali, u biti, taj gnjev me je stalno povezivao sa pričom moga oca. Ono što sam ja zaista željela nije bilo da se moj otac samo zaustavi. Željela sam da se promijeni. Željela sam da se izvini. To je ono što želimo. Ne želimo da se muškarci unište, ne želimo da samo budu kažnjeni. Želimo da nas vide, žrtve koje su oni povrijedili, i želimo da se pokaju i promijene. Ja, u stvari, vjerujem da je to moguće. I zaista vjerujem da je to naš put naprijed. Ali treba muškarci da nam se pridruže. Nama treba da muškarci budu hrabri i da budu dio ove transformacije. Većinu svog života sam provela prozivajući muškarce i sada sam ovdje, baš sada, da vas pozovem da odreagujete.
For so many years, I hated my father. I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison. But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story. What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to apologize. That's what we want. We don't want men to be destroyed, we don't want them to only be punished. We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed, and we want them to repent and change. And I actually believe this is possible. And I really believe it's our way forward. But we need men to join us. We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation. I have spent most of my life calling men out, and I am here now, right now, to call you in.
Hvala.
Thank you.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
Hvala.
Thank you.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
Hvala, hvala vam.
Thank you, thank you.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)