For a long time, there was me, and my body. Me was composed of stories, of cravings, of strivings, of desires of the future. Me was trying not to be an outcome of my violent past, but the separation that had already occurred between me and my body was a pretty significant outcome. Me was always trying to become something, somebody. Me only existed in the trying. My body was often in the way.
長久以來, 我,與我的身體,似乎毫不相關。 “我”滿腦都系故事, 都系願望和追求 同埋對未來嘅憧憬。 “我”一直系度努力, 唔好成為我那不堪回首的過去所造成的惡果, 但其實, “我”與“我嘅身體”的分離, 就系一個非常惡劣的後果。 “我”過去經常渴望成為大人物。 那個“我”,不斷地嘗試。 “我嘅身體”卻總阻住“我”。
Me was a floating head. For years, I actually only wore hats. It was a way of keeping my head attached. It was a way of locating myself. I worried that [if] I took my hat off I wouldn't be here anymore. I actually had a therapist who once said to me, "Eve, you've been coming here for two years, and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body." All this time I lived in the city because, to be honest, I was afraid of trees. I never had babies because heads cannot give birth. Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.
“我”系一個漂浮的靈魂。 甘多年來,我其實只戴帽。 甘可以讓我感覺到,我嘅頭仲系度。 系一種“穩返自我”嘅方法。 我時常擔心,如果我脫佐頂帽, 我就不復存在了。 以前有一個醫生同我講, “伊娃,你已經來呢度兩年了,” “講句實話,我從來不認為你有個身體。” 我過去一直住系城裡, 因為,講句實話, 我好驚啲樹。 我一直無生BB, 因為凈得個頭,系生唔到BB嘅。 BB唔會從把口入邊出來。
As I had no reference point for my body, I began to ask other women about their bodies -- in particular, their vaginas, because I thought vaginas were kind of important. This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues," which led to me obsessively and incessantly talking about vaginas everywhere I could. I did this in front of many strangers. One night on stage, I actually entered my vagina. It was an ecstatic experience. It scared me, it energized me, and then I became a driven person, a driven vagina.
因為我對自己嘅身體無發言權, 我開始問其他嘅女人,關於佢地嘅身體—— 特別系,佢地嘅陰道。 因為,我認為陰道系一個很重要的部位。 呢個亦系我點解會開始寫“陰道的獨白”的原因, 也令我執著不斷地,持續地, 到處談論陰道。 我系陌生人面前都會講。 有一晚,系臺上, 我進入佐我的陰道。 呢次經歷令我狂喜。 令我恐慌,令我充滿活力。 我從此之後,變得好似被操縱, 我的陰道亦都似被操縱。
I began to see my body like a thing, a thing that could move fast, like a thing that could accomplish other things, many things, all at once. I began to see my body like an iPad or a car. I would drive it and demand things from it. It had no limits. It was invincible. It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself. I didn't heed it; no, I organized it and I directed it. I didn't have patience for my body; I snapped it into shape. I was greedy. I took more than my body had to offer. If I was tired, I drank more espressos. If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.
我開始將我嘅身體當成一件物品, 佢可以很快地移動, 可以完成其他的事情, 可以同時完成很多事情。 我開始將我的身體看作一部iPad或者汽車。 我可以渣住佢,驅使佢,從佢身上得到很多。 佢無極限,佢不可戰勝。 就像地球一樣,佢能被征服,被掌控。 我根本唔關心佢; 我吩咐佢,命令佢。 我對佢無耐心; 我將佢硬生折成我要的形狀。 我太貪心了。 我要的比佢能俾的多得多。 如果我累佐,我就飲咖啡。 如果我怕佐,我就去更多危險嘅地方。
Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body, the way an abusive parent can sometimes have a moment of kindness. My father was really kind to me on my 16th birthday, for example. I heard people murmur from time to time that I should love my body, so I learned how to do this. I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke. But all that was just a more sophisticated way to manipulate my body -- a further disassociation, like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.
不過肯定啦,我都有欣賞佢嘅時候。 就好似,暴虐嘅父母, 都有時會慈悲。 好比,系我16歲生日果日, 我爹地就真系對我很好。 我時常聽到人人竊竊私語, 講,我應該愛惜自己嘅身體。 所以,我一直努力學點去愛惜身體。 我過去系素食主義者,唔飲酒,唔食煙。 不過,這只不過系一種,去操縱身體 更複雜嘅方式—— 系與身體嘅分離, 就好似系公路上種蔬菜。
As a result of me talking so much about my vagina, many women started to tell me about theirs -- their stories about their bodies. Actually, these stories compelled me around the world, and I've been to over 60 countries. I heard thousands of stories, and I have to tell you, there was always this moment where the women shared with me that particular moment when she separated from her body -- when she left home. I heard about women being molested in their beds, flogged in their burqas, left for dead in parking lots, acid burned in their kitchens. Some women became quiet and disappeared. Other women became mad, driven machines like me.
因為我成日講我嘅陰道, 好多女人都開始話卑我知,佢地嘅陰道—— 佢地嘅故事,關於佢地嘅身體。 呢地故事,令我想去世界各地行下。 我去佐60幾個國家。 我聽到成千上萬個故事。 我想話卑你知,總有一個時刻, 那些女人話卑我知, 佢地與佢地嘅身體分離嘅那一個時刻—— 離開家嘅那一刻。 我聽講,女人們系自己嘅床上被性騷擾, 系自己嘅布卡入邊被鞭打, 系停車場里奄奄一息, 系自己嘅廚房里被潑上酸性腐蝕液體。 有些女人沉默了,有些銷聲匿跡了。 仲有一些,變得瘋癲,變得似我,似部被人操縱嘅機器。
In the middle of my traveling, I turned 40 and I began to hate my body, which was actually progress, because at least my body existed enough to hate it. Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated. It was proof that I had not measured up, that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape. My stomach was proof that I had failed, that it had failed me, that it was broken. My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it. In fact, it became so extreme I wrote a play about it. But the more I talked about it, the more objectified and fragmented my body became. It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity, something I was selling.
在我嘅旅途中, 我40歲了,我開始憎恨我嘅身體, 不過其實系進步佐, 起碼我嘅身體已經有資格被恨了。 我嘅肚——我好憎我嘅肚。 佢話卑我知,我唔合格, 我又老,又無魅力,又唔完美 不能與原定嘅,大家心目中嘅形象相匹配。 我嘅肚,證明佐我嘅失敗, 佢令我失望,佢形如廢物。 我嘅生活開始圍繞點除佐佢,我心神不寧,一心要除佐佢。 事實上,佢變得甘極端, 我甚至寫佐關於佢嘅一部劇。 不過,我講起佢,講得愈多, 我嘅身體,就顯得越加似個冷冰冰、破碎嘅物體。 變得似娛樂,似新商品, 我到處推銷嘅一件物品。
Then I went somewhere else. I went outside what I thought I knew. I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo. And I heard stories that shattered all the other stories. I heard stories that got inside my body. I heard about a little girl who couldn't stop peeing on herself because so many grown soldiers had shoved themselves inside her. I heard an 80-year-old woman whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets and twisted up on her head as the soldiers raped her like that. There are thousands of these stories, and many of the women had holes in their bodies -- holes, fistula -- that were the violation of war -- holes in the fabric of their souls. These stories saturated my cells and nerves, and to be honest, I stopped sleeping for three years.
然後,我去佐另一個地方。 我行出去, 去佐一個我自以為我熟識嘅地方。 我去佐剛果共和國。 我聽聞佐一些故事, 呢地故事令其他嘅故事黯然無光。 呢地故事 貫穿佐我嘅身體。 一個小女孩, 小便失禁, 因為有好多成年士兵, 殘忍地強暴佐她。 一個80歲嘅老婆婆, 被折斷佐腿,脫佐臼, 被扭到頭頂, 那些士兵就系甘強暴佐佢。 有成千上萬個咁樣嘅故事。 許多女人身體里永遠的留低佐創口—— 一個個洞,一個個流膿嘅傷口—— 呢地都系戰爭留低嘅傷口—— 靈魂嘅創口。 呢地故事塞滿佐我嘅每個細胞同神經。 講句實話, 我三年都無好好地甘訓一覺了。
All the stories began to bleed together. The raping of the Earth, the pillaging of minerals, the destruction of vaginas -- none of these were separate anymore from each other or me. Militias were raping six-month-old babies so that countries far away could get access to gold and coltan for their iPhones and computers. My body had not only become a driven machine, but it was responsible now for destroying other women's bodies in its mad quest to make more machines to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.
呢地故事流梗血。 對地球嘅施暴, 對礦物嘅掠奪, 對陰道嘅摧毀—— 再唔系毫不相關嘅 全部同彼此,同我連埋一齊。 軍隊士兵強暴六個月大嘅嬰兒, 為佐遠在天邊嘅祖國, 能得到黃金和鈳膽鐵礦, 來生產iPhone同電腦。 我嘅身體不單單只成為佐被驅使的機器, 更為滿足自己呢部機器嘅速度同效率 瘋狂甘要求其他被驅使的機器來滿足自己 果地機器又去摧毀其他女人嘅身體, 我要為呢件事負全責。
Then I got cancer -- or I found out I had cancer. It arrived like a speeding bird smashing into a windowpane. Suddenly, I had a body, a body that was pricked and poked and punctured, a body that was cut wide open, a body that had organs removed and transported and rearranged and reconstructed, a body that was scanned and had tubes shoved down it, a body that was burning from chemicals. Cancer exploded the wall of my disconnection. I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body was the crisis in the world, and it wasn't happening later, it was happening now.
於是,我得了癌癥—— 或者,系我發現佐,我得佐癌癥。 就好似一隻快速飛來嘅雀仔, 撞到一扇玻璃窗。 突然間,我“有”佐身體, 佢千瘡百孔, 到處都系傷口, 被切得鮮血淋漓, 佢失去佐原本嘅器官, 又移植佐新嘅器官,一切都被打亂重新安排, 佢上上下下被機器掃描, 被插滿佐各種輸液管, 佢經歷佐化學藥品嘅侵蝕和折磨。 癌癥, 打通佐我封閉好耐嘅“心牆”。 我突然間意識到,在我身體入邊嘅危機, 也存在於整個世界, 呢個危機,並非遙遙無期, 佢就系眼前了。
Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere, the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed, the cancer that gets inside people who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor -- the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs, the cancer of stress for not achieving enough, the cancer of buried trauma, the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish, the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped, the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.
突然間,我嘅病癥似乎蔓延到成個世界, 殘忍嘅癌癥,貪婪嘅癌癥, 住系化工廠附近嘅人,通常系窮人, 佢地身體里嘅癌癥, 煤礦工人嘅肺癌, 因欲求不滿嘅壓力嘅癌癥, 過去嘅傷痛嘅癌癥, 籠子裏面圈養嘅雞,同生活系污水裏面嘅魚,佢地嘅癌癥, 被強姦嘅女人嘅子宮癌, 仲有因為我地嘅冷漠,我地身邊無處不在嘅癌癥。
In his new and visionary book, "New Self, New World," the writer Philip Shepherd says, "If you are divided from your body, you are also divided from the body of the world, which then appears to be other than you or separate from you, rather than the living continuum to which you belong." Before cancer, the world was something other. It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool and cancer dynamited the boulder that was separating me from the larger sea. Now I am swimming in it. Now I lay down in the grass and I rub my body in it, and I love the mud on my legs and feet. Now I make a daily pilgrimage to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine, and I hunger for the green fields in the bush outside Bukavu. And when it rains hard rain, I scream and I run in circles.
系菲利普·謝佛德新創作嘅小說 《新的自我,新的世界》入邊, 佢話, “如果你同你嘅身體分離了, 你亦都同呢個世界分離佐, 呢個世界似乎與你無關, 你遊離了, 不再屬於, 一個完整嘅生命統一體。 系得癌之前, 世界好唔同。 以前,我好似住系一個腐臭嘅死水池入邊, 而癌癥炸開佐池塘邊嘅巨石, 果地阻住我流向大海嘅巨石。 我依家可以自由嘅暢遊系大海入邊了。 依家,我訓低系草地上, 青草摩擦著我嘅身體, 我好中意黏系腿、腳上面嘅泥土。 我日日都冥修, 就系塞納河畔旁嘅一塊柳蔭下, 我系如此嘅想念布卡武(扎伊尔东部城市)嘅灌木叢, 果片綠色。 當落大雨時, 我就大聲叫,兜圈跑。
I know that everything is connected, and the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of the earthquake. And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince. And the fire that burned in me on day three through six of chemo is the fire that is burning in the forests of the world. I know that the abscess that grew around my wound after the operation, the 16 ounces of puss, is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico, and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me and dead floating fish. And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication made me scream out the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.
我明白,世間萬事都有聯繫, 我身體上嘅果條疤, 就好似果次地震留低嘅記錄。 好似我同三百萬人一齊系太子港(海地首都)嘅街度。 我做化療嘅第3日到第6日時, 我感覺到嘅果種如被火燒嘅痛苦, 就好似,世界上嘅森林, 被火燒梗。 手術後傷口里, 長出嘅膿包, 16盎司嘅膿液, 就好似被污染佐嘅墨西哥灣, 我身體里亦有仲有果地被油污弄髒嘅鹈鹕, 同果地漂浮系水面上嘅死魚。 無經過合理嘅藥物處理嘅導尿管,就甘插入我嘅身體, 我都忍唔住失聲大叫, 就好似地球忍受鑽探時發出嘅哀嚎。
In my second chemo, my mother got very sick and I went to see her. And in the name of connectedness, the only thing she wanted before she died was to be brought home by her beloved Gulf of Mexico. So we brought her home, and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach before she died. And gratefully, it didn't. And she died quietly in her favorite place.
系我第二次化療時, 我媽咪病得好嚴重, 我去見佢。 以世間萬物嘅聯繫嘅名義, 佢系死前想做嘅唯一一件事就系, 返屋企, 返去佢深愛嘅墨西哥灣。 所以我地帶佢返屋企, 我祈禱,系佢去世之前, 油污唔會玷污佐佢嘅沙灘, 幸運地是,我嘅憂慮無發生。 我媽咪,系佢最中意嘅地方,安靜嘅離去。
And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans, and this beautiful, spiritual friend told me she wanted to do a healing for me. And I was honored. And I went to her house, and it was morning, and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains. And my friend was preparing this big bowl, and I said, "What is it?" And she said, "It's for you. The flowers make it beautiful, and the honey makes it sweet." And I said, "But what's the water part?" And in the name of connectedness, she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico." And I said, "Of course it is." And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle, and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water. And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang. And the other women sang and they prayed for me and my mother.
幾個星期后,我系新奧爾良, 有一位美麗,善良嘅朋友, 話卑我知,佢想為我祈福。 我受寵若驚。 於是,我去佐佢屋企,系一個早晨, 新奧爾良嘅陽光穿過窗簾灑入來。 我嘅朋友準備梗一個大碗, 我問,“呢個系咩啊?” 佢話,“系為佐你。 呢地花會令佢靚, 呢地蜂蜜會令佢甜。” 我問,“甘水代表什麽呢?” 以世間萬物嘅聯繫為名, 佢話,“啊,系墨西哥灣。” 我話,“當然。” 其他女人都到佐,佢地坐成一個圓, 米歇爾開始用聖水沖洗我嘅頭。 佢唱道——我系話,佢用佢成付身心系度唱。 其他女人亦都一起唱, 為我同我媽咪祈禱。
And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head, I realized that it held the best and the worst of us. It was the greed and recklessness that led to the drilling explosion. It was all the lies that got told before and after. It was the honey in the water that made it sweet, it was the oil that made it sick. It was my head that was bald -- and comfortable now without a hat. It was my whole self melting into Michaela's lap. It was the tears that were indistinguishable from the Gulf that were falling down my cheek. It was finally being in my body. It was the sorrow that's taken so long. It was finding my place and the huge responsibility that comes with connection. It was the continuing devastating war in the Congo and the indifference of the world. It was the Congolese women who are now rising up. It was my mother leaving, just at the moment that I was being born. It was the realization that I had come very close to dying -- in the same way that the Earth, our mother, is barely holding on, in the same way that 75 percent of the planet are hardly scraping by, in the same way that there is a recipe for survival.
當墨西哥灣溫暖嘅水淋過我嘅光頭, 我意識到,佢代表佐, 我地最好,同埋最差嘅一面。 系貪婪,肆無忌憚, 導致佐鑽探爆炸事件。 又系果地前前後後嘅 謊言。 系水入邊嘅蜂蜜令佢變得甜, 系果地油污令佢生病。 我的確有一個光頭, 依家無需要帽,我都感覺舒服。 我,整個我, 都融入佐米歇爾嘅溫柔拍打。 我面上滴落嘅眼淚, 與墨西哥灣嘅水融為一體。 “我嘅身體”終於返來了。 呢種感覺系痛苦, 折磨佐我好長時間。 系我一直找尋著嘅, 與聯繫相關嘅, 果份巨大嘅責任。 系剛果持續不聽嘅戰爭, 同成個世界嘅冷漠。 系依家勇敢企起身嘅 剛果女人。 系我媽咪嘅離開, 就系果一刻, 我“出世”。 系當我離死亡甘近果時, 我嘅覺醒—— 地球母親, 亦感覺難以支撐, 就好似這星球上嘅75%, 都勉強支撐著, 同樣, 亦都有如何存活嘅秘笈。
What I learned is it has to do with attention and resources that everybody deserves. It was advocating friends and a doting sister. It was wise doctors and advanced medicine and surgeons who knew what to do with their hands. It was underpaid and really loving nurses. It was magic healers and aromatic oils. It was people who came with spells and rituals. It was having a vision of the future and something to fight for, because I know this struggle isn't my own. It was a million prayers. It was a thousand hallelujahs and a million oms. It was a lot of anger, insane humor, a lot of attention, outrage. It was energy, love and joy. It was all these things. It was all these things. It was all these things in the water, in the world, in my body.
我學到佐, 呢件事與我地嘅關注同資源有關, 系我地每個人應該做嘅。 系有關於表示支持嘅朋友, 同埋果個被寵壞嘅妹妹。 有關於精明嘅醫生,同埋先進嘅藥物, 同果地心知肚明自己嘅職責所在嘅外科醫生。 有關於果地拿低報酬卻保持和藹嘅護士, 有關於高明嘅醫術,同芳香膏。 有關於果地帶著符咒同宗教儀式而來嘅人。 有關於憧憬未來, 有關於為之奮鬥, 我明白,我唔系一個人系度戰鬥。 仲有數以百萬計嘅祈禱者。 仲有一千首讚歌, 百萬份榮耀。 系好多好多怒火, 瘋狂嘅幽默, 好多好多關注,憤慨。 系能量,愛,同愉快。 系所有嘅一切。 系所有嘅一切。 系所有嘅一切, 系水裡,系世界里,系我嘅身體里。
(Applause)
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