Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of a relationship?
為什麼我們會出軌? 為何快樂的人會外遇? 談到「不貞」時,我們真正指的是什麼? 是一次邂逅,一場戀愛, 性交易,聊天室聊天, 又或者是按摩店的終極服務? 為何我們覺得男人出軌的原因 是無聊和恐懼親密, 而女人卻是寂寞難耐和急需親密? 出軌必須是一段關係的終結者嗎?
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe and worked extensively with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
過去十年,我在各處旅行 與各地數百對的夫妻一同合作。 婚姻的不貞使他們的生活破碎。 出軌是一個簡單的犯罪行為, 它會破壞兩人的關係。, 幸福和自我認同。 然而,我們對這個普遍的行為卻所知甚少 所以這次演講是給所有愛過的人。
Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced?
出軌的歷史和婚姻的歷史一樣長, 苛責通姦的戒律也是。 事實上,婚外情的韌性連婚姻都望塵莫及, 比如說,它甚至列為聖經的十誡之一 在聖經中被重複提及兩次: 一次是別做,一次是連想也不准想。 (笑聲) 所以我們要如何面對這個普遍被禁止 但人人都在做的行為呢?
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying.
從古自今,男人們幾乎都有出軌許可證 出軌不用付多大的代價 許多生物學和進化論 合理化外遇行為 雙重標準如同通姦一樣存在已久 但床單下真的發生什麼,有人知道嗎? 當我們談到性愛, 男性就應該要表現的自信或誇大 而女性隱藏,把自己顯得渺小和拒絕 因此當你得知世界還有九個國家 女人會遭到殺害或流放時,並不會太過驚訝
Now, monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause)
一夫一妻制以前指一生一次 現在,是一次一人 (笑聲) (鼓掌)
I mean, many of you probably have said, "I am monogamous in all my relationships." (Laughter)
你們應該說過, 「我在所有關係裡都是一對一」 (笑聲)
We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die.
過去,我們結婚 並在婚後發生第一次性行為 現在,我們結婚 然後停止和其他人發生性行為 原因是一夫一妻制跟愛情無關 男人依靠女人的忠貞 來確保孩子是他的, 確認死後誰會繼承家產。
Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one. (Laughter)
現在,大家都想知道, 外遇的比例有多少。 來到這個會議時,許多人都這樣問我 (笑聲) 包括你。 但婚外情的定義一直在擴大, 諸如性愛簡訊,看色情影片, 偷偷使用聯誼網站等。 我們還沒有一個大家都同意的定義 來說明構成不貞的要素 估計26%到75%的人 除此之外,我們常常自我矛盾。 所以95%的人會說 另一半因外遇說謊是很糟糕的行為 但一樣多的人表示 當我們外遇時也會這樣做。 (笑聲)
Now, I like this definition of an affair -- it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
我喜歡這樣定義外遇, 它是三個關鍵要素構成的 外遇的主要架構是一段秘密的關係 和他人某種程度上的情緒連結 最後是性愛的化學作用 化學作用是這裡的關鍵字 一個充滿性慾和顫慄的吻 可以很有力量,且令人著迷, 如同實際做愛幾小時 普魯斯特說過, 要對愛情負責的不是另一半,是想像力
So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery -- that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.
所以沒有什麼比外遇更簡單 沒什麼比保住一個秘密更難 沒什麼比不真更讓人人財兩失 當我們把婚姻比喻作企業 不貞動搖整個經濟架構 當婚姻由浪漫所構成時 不貞讓我們情緒不穩 諷刺地,過去人們認為“通姦” 是在窄縫中尋求真愛 現在我們在婚姻中尋覓愛情 卻說通姦毀了婚姻
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.
不貞在現今,用三種方式傷害人們 我們有個完美主義或浪漫情節,對另一個人 盡可能滿足對方所需 對愛人,摯友, 父母,好友 心靈伴侶,人生目標相同的人 我就是我,是被選中且獨特的 我是不可或缺也無法被替代的 我是獨一無二的 但外遇告訴我一切並非如此 這是最終的背叛 不貞粉碎我們對愛情懷有的偉大夢想 但回顧歷史,過去不貞使人痛心欲絕 今日早成的傷害只是外部的。 因為他威脅我們自身,
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything." Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity. "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks. "Can I ever trust anyone again?"
我的客戶費南多,他完全崩潰了。 他說:我以為了解自己的人生 我以為了解曾經的你,我們的婚姻和我 現在,我對一切都有疑問 不貞,使信任崩解, 也瓦解人對自我的認知 我可以再信任你嗎?他問 我能再相信任何人嗎?
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you." Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other. And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms." And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed. The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
我的另一位客戶,希瑟說到 當她在跟我講述她和尼克之間的故事時 他們結婚,育有兩個小孩 尼克剛離家出差 希瑟和孩子們在玩他的平板, 她看見一條訊息出現在螢幕上: 我等不及要見你了。 心裡感到莫名, 我們不是才剛分開嗎?她想 接著另一封訊息寫道: 等不及將你緊緊地抱在懷裡。 希瑟頓時知道 這些訊息不是給她的 她告訴我,她的父親也有外遇 她的母親在他的口袋中發現一張小收據 領口上沾染一點口紅。 希瑟開始抽絲剝繭 她發現他們之間互傳幾百封的簡訊 互相交換照片,對彼此訴說情慾 尼克外遇兩年的證據和細節擺在眼前 在現實中赤裸地呈現出來 不禁使我想到 在數位時代,外遇就像凌遲
But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
但我們現今卻存在另一個矛盾 浪漫的理想, 我們依賴父母之間對彼此忠誠 但也時常偏離正道 並非現今的慾望比以前更多 而是生在這個世代 我們被灌輸要追求自己所渴望的一切 在這個文化薰陶下,我理應過得快樂 如果過去我們因為不開心而離婚 今日我們離婚為追求更快樂的生活 過去,離婚是可恥的 現在,當你可以離婚是卻選擇留下 同樣也被認為可恥。 所以希瑟無法向她的好友訴說這一切 她怕朋友會認為她仍愛著尼克 無論求助何方,得到的都是一樣的建議 離開尼克,把這爛男人丟在一旁。 現在情況顛倒過來,尼克也會面臨同樣的事 選擇留下也會視為可恥
So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
如果我們可以選擇離婚 為何外遇仍存在? 一個典型的假設是,如果有人外遇 不論問題在於你或你們的關係 大部份的人是正常的 邏輯是這樣的,家裡有你需要的一切 那就沒有必要去別處找 假設有一個完美的婚姻 它讓我們的心繫著家裡 但是假設激情有保存期限? 假設一段再好的關係 也有它欠缺的東西? 如果就連開心的人都會外遇 又是為什麼呢?
The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
大多數和我一同工作的人 都不是習慣於調戲他人的人 他們絕大部分推崇一夫一妻制 至少對他們的另一半是這樣。 但是它們發現身處矛盾之中 因為價值觀和行為南轅北轍 十幾年來,他們常常對另一半忠誠 有天,他們越過那條線 他們從未想過自己會越界 且冒著會失去一切的風險 但是為的是什麼呢? 外遇是背叛的行為 也是表達渴望和失去的方式 你會發現婚外情的核心 是對憧憬和嚮往的一種情緒表達 尋求新奇、自由、自主和性刺激 希望重現自己失去的那一塊 或企圖在失落和悲慘的生活中找回活力
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
這使我想到另一位客戶,普里亞 她有個幸福美滿的婚姻 且深愛她的丈夫 永遠都不曾想過傷害這個男人 但她同時告訴我 她總是按著大家對她的期許生活 當個好女孩、好妻子,好媽媽 照顧她移民的雙親 桑迪颶風過境後,普里亞愛上從她院子 移走樹木的樹藝家 他駕駛著卡車,帶有紋身,和她恰恰相反 但47歲,普里亞的婚外情就這樣稍縱即逝 她的故事提醒我,我們常尋求他人的注意 那人不是我們常避開頭的另一伴 而是我們心中希望成為的那個人 我們注視著另一個人 就像在她身上找另一個自己的影子
Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses -- of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.
現在,世界各地 有婚外情的人都會這樣跟我說 他們覺得重生了 他們也常常告訴我最近生活上失落的事 父親或母親去世了 朋友太快離開人間 或從醫生口中捎來,不幸的消息 死亡和失敗多寄宿在婚外情的影子裡 它們讓人產生這些疑問 就這樣?沒有更多了嗎? 未來的25年也是這樣過嗎? 我會再次有那樣的感受嗎? 這使我想到,假使這些問題 驅使人們去跨越界線 有些人外遇是試圖要擺脫無精打采的生活 把它當作死亡的解毒劑
And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
相反地,你可能會想 婚外情比起性愛,更關乎渴望 想要獲得注意,想到感到獨一無二 想要感到自己是重要的 婚外情的結構本身 事實是我們會對另一半 感到厭煩 婚外情是個製造渴望的機器 不完全性和模糊的距離 讓人想得到自己不該擁有的
Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
現在一些人大概想說 婚外情在開放式的關係中不會存在 但是他還是會發生 第一,關於一夫一妻制的對話是不同的 更遑論婚外情 但事實是,就算我們有了 可以有其他性伴侶的自由 我們仍會著迷於觸犯禁忌的感覺 當我們做了不該做的事 我們會覺得,在做我們真正想做的事 我跟很多病人說 如果在一段關係中 他們可以帶入十分之一的勇氣、想像力和活力 把外遇時的十分之一放到婚姻 就可能永遠不會來上們求診了 (笑聲)
So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either.
所以我們要如何從婚外情中康復? 慾望已根深蒂固 背叛也是 但這是可以治癒的 有時婚外情就像死亡的鐘聲 折磨那些接近凋零的關係 但那鐘聲也會敲醒一些人探索新的可能 事實是,大部分歷經過 婚外情的夫妻仍在一起 有些則難以回復到從前 其他甚至將危機化為轉機 他們能夠將這個做為一輩子的經驗 我其實還得更多,所以對於被欺騙的那方 他們常說 你以為我就不想要更多嗎? 但我沒有外遇 現在,婚外情揭露後 他們開始要求更多 所以他們不必再維持現狀 反而過得更好
I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades. And, partners who were sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious, they don't know where it's coming from. Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
我注意到很多對夫妻 在婚外情結束後的一段時間 生活上的失序反而讓他們重新找回生活步調 開始進行有深度、誠實、開放的對話 彌補過去幾十年的空白 而且,性冷淡的夫妻們 發現他們突然性急地渴望彼此 連他們都不知這感覺哪裡來的 害怕失去會使人重新燃起興趣 並用全然不同的角度看待一切
So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
所以當婚外情暴露了 夫妻間可以做什麼具體的是呢? 心理創傷開始癒合時 是在外遇的那方主動先認錯 所以外遇的那方, 像是尼克 他該做的事是結束這段婚外情 另一件必不可少且重要的是 表達出傷害妻子讓他感到內疚又自責 但真相是 我注意到大部分有婚外情的人 對於傷害另一伴感到極度的內疚 但是他們並不覺得婚外情本身是有罪的 這個區別很重要 尼克在這個關係中需要保持警戒 他需要暫時做這個分界的保護者 這是他的責任 因為只要他這樣做 就會讓希瑟從痛庫苦之中解脫 同時也確認這段婚外情時不被遺忘的 也讓自己慢慢找回和希瑟間的信任
But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details -- Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better than me in bed? -- questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives -- What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over?
但對於希瑟 和被欺騙的那一方 做一些能讓自己找回自我價值的事 讓愛、好友和各種活動填滿自己的生活 這讓人重拾快樂,和自身的價值 但更重要的是 要抑制住想要挖角過去黑暗面的好奇心 你當時在哪裡?你那時做了什麼? 很常見面嗎?她的上床技術比我更好? 這些問題只會讓彼此更受傷 並讓自己失眠 而是,切換到我所說的調查性問題 針對背後的意義和動機- 外遇對你意味著什麼? 你在那的表達和經歷些什麼 和我在一起無法做的事? 你回到家時有什麼感覺? 我們之間你最珍惜什麼? 這件是告一段落你開心嗎?
Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
每段婚外情都會讓人重新檢視婚姻 每對夫妻都會決定 婚外情後留下的是什麼 婚外情會留下,它不會被淡忘。 愛情和慾望之間的兩難 夫妻間不會用簡單的答案,黑白是非來定義 害傷的和做錯事的人 一段關係中,背叛有很多形式 我們用很多方法背叛另一伴 蔑視和忽視 冷漠和暴力 用性背叛是傷害另一伴的方式之一 也就是說,婚外情中的受傷者 並不是都是在婚姻中受傷的
Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you're wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, "Yes." (Laughter)
現在,你聽我說 我知道你在想什麼 她有法式口音,她一定贊成婚外情 (笑聲) 所以,你錯了 我不是法國人 (笑聲) (掌聲) 我也沒有外遇過 但因為認為婚外情過後會帶來好處 我常被問到這個十分奇怪的問題: 你支持婚外情嗎? 現在,我不會再建議你去外遇 我建議你得癌症 到目前為止,我們知道病入膏肓的人 常說身患重疾使他們對人生有新的領悟 抵達這個會議後我主要被問的問題是 當我說我要講述將於婚外情,贊成還是反對 我說「是」 (笑聲)
I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
我用兩個面向看婚外情 受傷和背叛在一塊 成長和自我探索在另一邊 婚外其對你做過什麼,意義又是什麼? 所以當一對夫妻在婚外情 被揭露過後來找我 我都這樣告訴他們 現今在西方國家 大部分的我們都有過兩到三段感情 或婚姻 有時候我們和同一個人經歷過這些 你們第一個婚姻已經是過去式了 你們願意一起展開第二個嶄新的婚姻嗎?
Thank you.
謝謝
(Applause)
(鼓掌)