Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of a relationship?
Zašto varamo? I zašto srećni ljudi varaju? I kada kažemo "neverstvo", na šta tačno mislimo? Da li je to šema, ljubavna priča, plaćeni seks, soba za čet, masaža sa srećnim krajem? Zašto mislimo da muškarci varaju iz dosade i straha od prisnosti, a da žene varaju zbog usamljenosti i žudnje za prisnošću? I da li je afera uvek kraj jedne veze?
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe and worked extensively with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
Poslednjih 10 godina sam putovala svetom i mnogo sam radila sa stotinama parova koje je preljuba razorila. Postoji jedan prost prestup koji može da liši par njihove veze, njihove sreće i njihovog ličnog identiteta: afera. Pa ipak, ovaj izuzetno uobičajen čin je tako loše shvaćen. Dakle, ovaj govor je za sve koji su ikada voleli.
Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced?
Preljuba postoji otkad je brak izmišljen, kao i tabu u vezi s njom. Zapravo, preljuba ima istrajnost na kojoj joj brak samo može da zavidi, u tolikoj meri, da je to jedina zapovest koja je dva puta ponovljena u Bibliji: jednom za čin preljube, drugi put za puko razmišljanje o njoj. (Smeh) Pa kako da pomirimo nešto što je univerzalno zabranjeno, a ipak se univerzalno upražnjava?
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying.
Sad, kroz istoriju, muškarci su praktično imali dozvolu da varaju, s malim posledicama i imali su podršku od zagovornika bioloških i evolutivnih teorija koje su opravdavale njihovu potrebu za lutanjem, pa su dvostruki standardi stari koliko i sama preljuba. Ali ko zna šta se stvarno dešava ispod jorgana, zar ne? Jer kada se radi o seksu, na muškarce se vrši pritisak da se hvale i preteruju, ali na žene se vrši pritisak da prikrivaju, umanjuju i poriču, što nije čudno kada shvatite da još uvek postoji devet država u kojima žena može da bude ubijena zbog bluda.
Now, monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause)
Sad, monogamija je nekada značila biti s jednom osobom do kraja života. Danas monogamija znači biti sa jednom po jednom osobom. (Smeh) (Aplauz)
I mean, many of you probably have said, "I am monogamous in all my relationships." (Laughter)
Mislim, mnogi od vas su verovatno rekli: "Monogaman sam u svim svojim vezama." (Smeh)
We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die.
Nekada smo se venčavali i prvi put imali seks. Ali sada se venčavamo i prestajemo da imamo seks s drugima. Činjenica je da monogamija nije imala nikakve veze s ljubavlju. Muškarci su se oslanjali na vernost žene kako bi znali čija su deca i ko će da nasledi krave kada umru.
Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one. (Laughter)
Sad, svi žele da znaju koliki procenat ljudi vara. Postavljaju mi to pitanje otkad sam stigla na ovu konferenciju. (Smeh) To se odnosi na vas. Ali definicija prevare nastavlja da se širi: seksualne poruke, pornografija, korišćenje aplikacija za traženje partnera. Pa kako nema univerzalno prihvaćene definicije za to šta se uopšte smatra neverstvom, procene izuzetno variraju, od 26% do 75%. Povrh svega toga, mi smo hodajuće protivrečnosti. Pa će 95 procenata nas reći da bi bilo užasno pogrešno kad bi partner od nas skrivao aferu, ali otprilike isti procenat nas će reći da bismo upravo to uradili kad bismo imali aferu. (Smeh)
Now, I like this definition of an affair -- it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
Sviđa mi se sledeća definicija afere - spaja tri ključna elementa: vezu u tajnosti, koja je u srži afere, emotivnu povezanost, u većoj ili manjoj meri; i seksualnu alhemiju. A alhemija je ključna reč ovde, jer je erotski naboj takav da poljubac koji samo zamišljate da dajete može da bude podjednako snažan i očaravajući kao i sati stvarnog vođenja ljubavi. Kako je Marsel Prust rekao: naša mašta je odgovorna za ljubav, ne druga osoba.
So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery -- that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.
Nikada nije bilo lakše varati, i nikada nije bilo teže čuvati tajnu. I nikada pre preljuba nije zahtevala tako visoku psihološku dažbinu. Kada je brak bio ekonomsko preduzeće, preljuba je pretila našoj ekonomskoj sigurnosti. Ali sada kada je brak romantični dogovor, preljuba preti našoj emotivnoj sigurnosti. Ironično, nekada smo se okretali preljubi - to je bio prostor na kom smo tražili čistu ljubav. Ali sada kada tražimo ljubav u braku, preljuba ga razara.
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.
Mislim da postoje tri načina na koja nas preljuba danas drugačije povređuje. Imamo romantični ideal zbog koga se okrećemo jednoj osobi da ispuni beskrajnu listu potreba: da bude moj najbolji ljubavnik, moj najbolji prijatelj, najbolji roditelj, moj pouzdani oslonac, moj emotivni drug, moj intelektualni par. I ja sam ta: ja sam izabrana, jedinstvena sam, neophodna sam, nezamenjiva sam, ja sam ta. A preljuba mi kaže da nisam. To je krajnji oblik izdaje. Preljuba razara veličanstvenu ambiciju ljubavi. Ali ako je kroz istoriju, preljuba oduvek bila bolna, danas je ona često traumatična jer preti našem shvatanju sebe.
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything." Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity. "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks. "Can I ever trust anyone again?"
Moj pacijent Fernando, koji je očajan, raspreda: "Mislio sam da poznajem svoj život. Mislio sam da te poznajem, da znam ko smo mi kao par, to ko sam ja. Sad sve dovodim u pitanje." Preljuba - povreda poverenja, kriza identiteta. "Hoću li ikada moći da ti verujem ponovo", pita. "Hoću li moći ikome ponovo da verujem?"
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you." Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other. And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms." And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed. The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
A to mi i moja pacijentkinja Heder govori, kada mi priča svoju priču s Nikom. Udata, ima dvoje dece. Nik je upravo otišao na poslovni put, a Heder se sa dečacima igra na njegovom iPad-u, kada vidi poruku koja se pojavljuje na ekranu: "Jedva čekam da te vidim." Čudno, misli, upravo smo se videli. A potom stiže druga poruka: "Jedva čekam da te zagrlim." I Heder shvata da ove poruke nisu za nju. Takođe mi kaže da je njen otac imao afere, ali njena majka je pronašla malenu priznanicu u džepu i malo karmina na kragni. Heder kreće u potragu i pronalazi na stotine poruka i razmenjenih fotografija i izraženih žudnji. Živopisni detalji o Nikovoj dvogodišnjoj aferi pred očima joj se razvijaju u realnom vremenu. Zbog toga sam pomislila: afere u digitalnom dobu su smrti od hiljadu uboda.
But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
No tu imamo još jedan paradoks s kojim se borimo ovih dana. Zbog ovog romantičnog ideala, oslanjamo se na vernost svog partnera s jedinstvenim zanosom. Ali takođe nikada nismo bili ovako skloni šaranju, ne zato što sada imamo nove žudnje, već zato što živimo u dobu u kome osećamo da imamo pravo da jurimo za svojim žudnjama, jer ovo je kultura u kojoj zaslužujemo da budemo srećni. I ako smo se nekada razvodili jer nismo bili srećni, danas se razvodimo jer bismo mogli da budemo srećniji. I ako je uz razvod išao sav sram, danas odluka da ostanete, ako možete da odete je novi sram. Pa Heder ne može da razgovara s prijateljima jer bi je mogli osuđivati zbog toga što još uvek voli Nika i kome god da se obrati, dobija isti savet: napusti ga. Reši se jada. A da je situacija obrnuta, Nik bi bio u istoj situaciji. Ostajanje je novi sram.
So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
Pa, ako možemo da se razvedemo, zašto i dalje imamo afere? E sad, tipična pretpostavka je da ako neko vara, ili nešto nije u redu s vašom vezom ili nešto nije u redu s vama. Ali ne mogu svi ti milioni ljudi da budu patološki slučajevi. Logika je ovakava: ako imaš sve što ti je potrebno kod kuće, onda nema potrebe da tražiš dalje, pod pretpostavkom da postoji takvo nešto kao savršen brak što bi nas zaštitilo od želje za lutanjem. Ali šta ako strast ima ograničen rok trajanja? Šta ako postoje stvari koje čak ni dobra veza nije u stanju da pruži? Ako čak i srećni ljudi varaju, o čemu se tu radi?
The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
Ogromna većina ljudi sa kojima zapravo radim nisu uopšte hronični švaleri. To su često ljudi koji su veoma monogamni u svojim ubeđenjima, bar za svog partnera. Ali zateknu se u konfliktu između svojih vrednosti i svog ponašanja. To su često ljudi koji su zapravo decenijama bili verni, ali jednoga dana su prešli crtu, koju nikada nisu mislil preći, čak i po ceni gubitka svega. Ali za iskru čega? Afere su činovi izdaje, ali su takođe i izrazi žudnje i gubitka. U srži afere ćete često naći žudnju i čežnju za emotivnom povezanošću, za novinom, za slobodom, za autonomijom, za seksualnim nabojem, želju da se ponovo zgrabe izgubljeni delovi nas samih ili pokušaj da se vrati životnost kada se suočimo s gubitkom i tragedijom.
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
Sećam se još jednog mog pacijenta, Prije, koja je srećno udata, voli svog supruga i nikada ga ne bi povredila. Ali mi takođe kaže da je oduvek radila ono što se od nje očekuje: bila je dobra devojka, dobra supruga, dobra majka, brinula je za svoje roditelje imigrante. Prija je pala na arboristu koji je uklanjao drvo iz njenog dvorišta nakon uragana Sendi. I s njegovim kamionom i tetovažama, prilično je različit od nje. Ali za 47-ogodišnju Priju ova afera je adolescencija koju nikada nije imala. I njena priča mi daje do znanja da kada tražimo tuđi zaljubljen pogled, ne okrećemo uvek leđa našem partneru, već osobi koja smo postali. I ne radi se toliko o traženju druge osobe, koliko se radi o traganju za drugim nama.
Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses -- of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.
E sad, širom sveta, postoji jedna reč koju mi ljudi koji imaju afere uvek kažu. Osećaju se živima. I često mi ispričaju priče o skorašnjim gubicima - o roditelju koji je umro, prijatelju koji je prerano preminuo i o lošim vestima od doktora. Smrt i smrtnost često žive u senci afere jer povlače sledeća pitanja: je li to sve? Postoji li nešto više? Hoću li i narednih 25 godina provesti ovako? Hoću li ikada više osetiti ono nešto? I to me je navelo na razmišljanje, da možda ova pitanja pokreću ljude da pređu crtu, i da su neke afere pokušaji da se odagna smrtnost, protivotrovi za smrt.
And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
I nasuprot vašem mišljenju, kod afera nije toliko važan seks, koliko je važna žudnja: žudnja za pažnjom, žudnja da se osećamo posebnim, žudnja da se osećamo bitnima. A sama struktura afere, činjenica da ljubavnik nikada neće biti vaš, održava vašu čežnju. To je samo po sebi mašinerija žudnje jer nedorečenost, dvosmislenost, vas nagone da čeznete za onim što ne možete da imate.
Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
Neki od vas verovatno misle da se afere ne dešavaju u vezama otvorenog tipa, ali se dešavaju. Pre svega, razgovor o monogamiji nije isto što i razgovor o neverstvu. Ali činjenica je da se čini da čak i kada smo slobodni da imamo druge seksualne partnere, nas i dalje privlači snaga zabranjenog, da kada uradimo ono što ne bi trebalo, tada se osećamo kao da zaista radimo ono što želimo. I ja sam takođe rekla popriličnom broju mojih pacijenata da kada bi mogli da unesu u svoju vezu jednu desetinu odvažnosti, maštovitosti i elana koje ulažu u svoje afere, verovatno nikad ne bi morali da dolaze kod mene. (Smeh)
So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either.
Dakle, kako se lečimo od afere? Žudnja ostavlja dubok trag. Izdaja ostavlja dubok trag. Ali ima leka. A neke afere su pogrebna zvona za vezu koja je već bila na aparatima za preživljavanje. Ali druge će nas otrgnuti u nove mogućnosti. Činjenica je da većina parova koji su iskusili aferu, ostaju zajedno. Ali neki od njih će jedva preživeti, dok će drugi biti u stanju da pretvore krizu u priliku. Biće u stanju da sve to pretvore u plodotvorno iskustvo. I zapravo ovde više mislim na prevarenog partnera, koji će često da kaže: "Misliš da i ja nisam želela više? Ali ja to nisam uradila." Ali sada kada je afera razotkrivena, i oni su u prilici da zahtevaju više i više ne moraju da održavaju status kvo koji nije naročito odgovarao ni njima.
I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades. And, partners who were sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious, they don't know where it's coming from. Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
Primetila sam da većina parova, odmah nakon saznanja o aferi, zbog svog tog nereda koji bi mogao da vodi do novog poretka, imaju duboke razgovore, s iskrenošću i otvorenošću kakve nisu imali decenijama. I partneri koji su bili nezaintersovani za seks, iznenada otkriju kod sebe sladostrasnu proždrljivost za koju ne znaju odakle im. Nešto u strahu od gubitka ponovo budi žudnju i krči put za potpuno novi tip iskrenosti.
So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
Dakle, kada je afera razotkrivena, koji su to koraci koje parovi mogu da preduzmu? Znamo da kod traume izlečenje počinje kada počinilac prizna svoje nedelo. Zato, partner koji je imao aferu, Nik, prvenstveno, mora da okonča aferu, ali drugo je krucijalno, važan je čin izražavanja krivice i kajanja zbog toga što je povredio suprugu. Ali istina je da sam primetila da popriličan broj ljudi koji imaju afere možda osećaju užasnu krivicu zbog toga što su povredili partnera, ali ne osećaju krivicu zbog iskustva same afere. A ta razlika je veoma bitna. Nik mora da bdi nad vezom. Mora, na kratko, da postane zaštitnik ograničenja. Na njemu je da vaskrsne vezu, jer kad razmisli o tome, može da oslobodi Heder od opsesije i kako se ne bi desilo da afera bude zaboravljena, a to samo po sebi vraća poverenje.
But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details -- Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better than me in bed? -- questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives -- What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over?
Ali za Heder, to jest za prevarene partnere, krucijalno je da se bave onim što im vraća osećanje sopstvene vrednosti, da se okruže ljubavlju, prijateljima i aktivnostima koje im vraćaju užitak i smisao i identitet. Ali što je još značajnije, da obuzdavaju znatiželju, da ne kopaju po prljavom vešu - Gde ste bili? Gde ste to radili? Koliko često? Da li je bolja od mene u krevetu? - pitanja koja samo mogu još više da vas povrede i da vas drže budnim po noći. Umesto toga, pređite na ono što ja zovem istraživačkim pitanjima, ona pitanja koja tragaju za značenjem i motivima - šta ti je ova afera značila? Šta si bio u stanju da izraziš ili iskusiš tamo što više nisi mogao sa mnom? Kako ti je bilo kad bi se vratio kući? Šta ceniš kod nas? Jesi li zadovoljan jer se sve završilo?
Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Svaka afera će nanovo definisati vezu i svaki par će da odluči kakvo će da bude zaveštanje afere. Ali afere su tu i ne idu nikuda. A dileme u vezi s ljubavlju i žudnjom, ne daju isključivo proste odgovore da je sve crno i belo, dobro i loše, da imamo žrtvu i prestupnika. Postoje razni vidovi izdaje u vezi. Postoji mnogo načina da se izda partner: prezrenjem, zanemarivanjem, ravnodušnošću, nasiljem. Seksualna izdaja je samo jedan od načina da se povredi partner. Drugim rečima, žrtva afere nije uvek žrtva u braku.
Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you're wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, "Yes." (Laughter)
E sad, saslušali ste me, i znam šta mislite: ona ima francuski akcenat, mora da je zagovornica afera. (Smeh) Dakle, grešite. Nisam Francuskinja. (Smeh) (Aplauz) I nisam zagovornica afera. Ali pošto smatram da dobro može da proizađe iz afere, često me pitaju ovo veoma čudno pitanje: da li bih je ikada preporučila? E sad, ne bih vam preporučila aferu ništa više nego što bih vam preporučila da imate rak. Pa ipak znamo da ljudi koji su bili bolesni često govore o tome kako im je njihova bolest podarila novu perspektivu. Glavno pitanje koje mi postavljaju, otkad sam stigla na konferenciju, pošto sam rekla da ću da govorim o neverstvu je: da li sam za ili protiv? I ja odgovaram: "Jesam." (Smeh)
I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
Posmatram afere iz dva ugla: na jednoj strani su bol i izdaja, a na drugoj su rast i samootkrovenje - kako se to odrazilo na tebe i šta je meni značilo? Pa kad mi dođe par, iznoseći posledice razotkrivene afere, često im kažem sledeće: danas na Zapadu, većina nas će da ima dve ili tri veze ili braka, a nekima će se to desiti sa istom osobom. Vaš prvi brak je gotov. Da li biste želeli da stvorite novi zajedno?
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)