Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of a relationship?
Zašto varamo? Zašto varaju i oni koji su sretni? A kad kažemo "preljub", na što točno mislimo? Je li to afera, ljubavna priča, plaćeni za seks, chatanje, masaža sa sretnim završetkom? Zašto mislimo da muškarci varaju iz dosade i straha od intimnosti, a žene iz usamljenosti i želje za intimnosti? Znači li prijevara kraj veze baš svaki put?
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe and worked extensively with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
Zadnjih deset godina putovala sam svijetom i intenzivno radila sa stotinama parova koje je nevjera slomila. Ima jedan jednostavan prijestup koji ljubavni par može stajati veze, zajedničke sreće, pa čak i samog identiteta - prijevara. No taj iznimno uobičajen čin često se pogrešno tumači. Ovaj je govor namijenjen svakome tko je ikada volio.
Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced?
Preljubi postoje otkako je brakova, a isto toliko dugo postoje i tabui vezani uz njih. Preljub braku daje otpornost vrijednu divljenja, to je jedina zapovijed koja se u Bibliji dvaput spominje: jednom kao čin, drugi put kao misao. (Smijeh) Kako pomiriti nešto što je općezabranjeno, i općeprakticirano?
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying.
Kroz povijest muškarci su gotovo imali dozvolu varati uz vrlo malo posljedica te imaju mnoštvo bioloških i evolucijskih teorija koje opravdavaju njihovu potrebu za skitnjom. Dakle, dvostruka su mjerila stara koliko i sam preljub. Ali tko zna što se zaista događa pod plahtama, zar ne? Kad se radi o seksu, od muškaraca se očekuje da likuju i pretjeruju, a od žena da se skrivaju, umanjuju važnost i niječu, što i nije tako čudno kad razmislimo o tome da postoji još devet država u kojima se žene ubija zbog prijevare.
Now, monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause)
Monogamija je nekoć značila: "jedna osoba do kraja života". U današnje vrijeme znači: "jedna po jedna osoba". (Smijeh) (Pljesak)
I mean, many of you probably have said, "I am monogamous in all my relationships." (Laughter)
Mnogi od vas vjerojatno su jednom rekli kako su monogamni u svim svojim vezama. (Smijeh)
We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die.
Nekoć smo se ženili i po prvi put spavali s nekim. Sad se ženimo i prestajemo spavati s drugima. Monogamija nije imala veze s ljubavi. Muškarci su računali na ženinu vjernost kako bi znali čija su djeca i kome će pripasti krave kad umru.
Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one. (Laughter)
Svi žele znati koliko ljudi vara. To me ispituju još otkako sam stigla na ovu konferenciju. (Smijeh) Ovo se odnosi i na vas. Definicija preljuba neprestano se proširuje: sexting, pornići, tajno sudjelovanje na portalima za upoznavanje. Budući da nema jedinstvene definicije koju svi prihvaćaju o tome što se smatra nevjerom, procjene uvelike variraju od 26 % do 75 %, a još smo i hodajuća proturječja - 95 % nas kaže da je užasno pogrešno da nam partner laže o aferi, a gotovo isti postotak nas govori da bismo i mi radili upravo to kad bismo mi bili ti koji varaju. (Smijeh)
Now, I like this definition of an affair -- it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
Sviđa mi se ova definicija afere - ujedinjuje tri ključna elementa: tajna veza, koja je ključan dio afere; emocionalna veza određenog stupnja; i seksualna alkemija. "Alkemija" je ovdje ključna riječ jer su erotski trnci takvi da samo zamišljanje poljupca može biti jednako snažno i čudesno kao i sati pravog vođenja ljubavi. Kao što je Proust rekao, za ljubav je kriva naša mašta, a ne druga osoba.
So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery -- that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.
Nikad nije bilo lakše varati, a istovremeno nikad nije bilo teže prevaru zatajiti. Nikad prije prevara nije imala toliku psihološku cijenu. Kad je brak bio ekonomska računica, nevjera je ugrožavala ekonomsku sigurnost, ali otkako je brak romantični dogovor, prijevara ugrožava našu emocionalnu sigurnost. Ironično je da je prijevara nekoć bila prostor u kojem smo tražili pravu ljubav, a otkako ljubav tražimo u braku, prijevara uništava tu ljubav.
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.
Postoje tri načina na koja prijevara u današnje vrijeme drugačije boli. Postoji romantični ideal u kojemu od jedne osobe tražimo ispunjavanje naše beskonačno duge liste potreba: najbolji ljubavnik, najbolji prijatelj, najbolji roditelj, najveća osoba od povjerenja, emocionalni pratilac, intelektualni parnjak. To sam ja: izabrana sam, jedinstvena, prijeko potrebna, nezamjenjiva, ja sam ona prava. A prijevara mi poručuje da nisam. To je potpuna izdaja. Nevjera uništava veliku ljubavnu težnju, no i kroz povijest oduvijek je bila bolna, u današnje je vrijeme nerijetko traumatična jer ugrožava naš doživljaj sebe.
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything." Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity. "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks. "Can I ever trust anyone again?"
Moj pacijent Fernando je pokošen. Govori: "Mislio sam da poznajem svoj život, da poznajem nju, nas kao par, sebe, a sada sve preispitujem." Nevjera - narušavanje povjerenja, kriza identiteta. Pita se može li joj više vjerovati. Može li ikome ikada više vjerovati.
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you." Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other. And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms." And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed. The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
To mi govori i moja pacijentica Heather kada priča svoju priču o Nicku. Vjenčani su, imaju dvoje djece i Nick je upravo otišao na poslovni put, a Heather se igra s dečkima na njegovom iPadu. Odjednom se na ekranu prikaže poruka: "Jedva čekam da te vidim." Neobično, pomisli, tek smo se vidjeli. Zatim sljedeća poruka: "Jedva čekam da te držim u naručju." I Heather konačno shvati da poruke nisu za nju. Ispričala mi je i kako je i njezin otac bio nevjeran, ali majka je pronašla mali račun u njegovu džepu i malo ruža na ovratniku. Heather krene kopati, pronađe stotine razmijenjenih poruka i razmijenjenih slika i izraženih želja. Jasni detalji Nickove dvogodišnje afere pred njom se otkrivaju. Zamislila sam se nad tim: afere u digitalno doba smrt su od tisuća uboda,
But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
no postoji još jedan paradoks s kojim se nosimo ovih dana. Zbog romantičnog ideala jedinstvenim žarom oslanjamo se na partnerovu vjernost, ali sad kao nikad prije imamo nagon lutati, i to ne zato što u današnje vrijeme imamo neke nove želje, već zato što živimo u doba u kojemu smatramo da je naše pravo slijediti svoje želje jer je ovo kultura u kojoj zaslužujemo biti sretni, a ukoliko smo se nekoć rastajali jer smo bili nesretni, danas se rastajemo jer bismo mogli biti i sretniji. Ukoliko je prije rastava bila sramotna, danas je ostajanje u braku unatoč činjenici da možemo otići nova sramota. Heather ne može razgovarati s prijateljima jer se boji da će je osuđivati jer još uvijek voli Nicka, a od svakoga dobiva isti savjet: Ostavi ga. Izbaci ga na ulicu. Da je situacija obrnuta, Nick bi se našao u istoj situaciji. Ostajanje je nova sramota.
So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
Ukoliko se možemo rastati, čemu preljubi? Uobičajena pretpostavka glasi: ukoliko netko vara, nešto nije u redu ili s vezom ili s vama, ali radi se o milijunima, ne mogu baš svi biti patološki slučajevi. Logika nalaže: ukoliko kod kuće dobivaš sve što ti treba, nema potrebe da tražiš negdje drugdje. Pretpostavimo da postoji savršen brak koji će nas odvratiti od lutanja. Ali što ako strast ima rok trajanja? Što ako postoje stvari koje ni dobra veza ne može pružiti? Ako i sretni ljudi varaju, u čemu je stvar?
The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
Velika većina ljudi s kojima radim nisu kronični ženskaroši. To su ljudi koji imaju snažna monogamna uvjerenja, bar po pitanju svog partnera, a opet se nađu u konfliktu vlastitih uvjerenja i ponašanja. To su često ljudi koji su desetljećima bili vjerni, ali jednog dana prijeđu granicu za koju nikad nisu mislili da će prijeći i riskiraju da izgube sve. Za tračak čega? Prijevara je čin izdaje, ali i izraz čežnje i gubitka. U korijenu prijevare često naiđemo na želju i čežnju za emocionalnom povezanosti, za nečim novim, za slobodom, autonomijom, seksualnim intenzitetom, za željom da ponovno pronađemo izgubljeni dio nas ili pokušaj vraćanja živosti usprkos gubitku i tragediji.
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
Razmišljam o Priyi, još jednoj svojoj pacijentici koja je sretno udana, voli svoga supruga i nikada ga ne bi povrijedila, ali rekla mi je da uvijek radi ono što se od nje očekuje: dobra djevojka, dobra žena, dobra majka, brine za svoje roditelje doseljenike. Priya se zaljubila u arborista koji je uklonio drvo iz njezinog dvorišta nakon uragana Sandy. Čista joj je suprotnost sa svojim kamionom i tetovažama. Priyina afera u 47. godini vezana je uz mladost koju nikad nije proživjela. Njezina mi priča pokazuje da kad težimo tuđem pogledu, ne udaljavamo se uvijek od našeg partnera, već od osobe koja smo sami postali. Ne radi se toliko o tome da tražimo drugu osobu, koliko se radi o tome da tražimo drugoga sebe.
Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses -- of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.
Diljem svijeta ljudi koji varaju govore mi ovo - osjećaju se živo. Često mi pričaju o nedavnim gubitcima - o preminulom roditelju, o preminulom prijatelju, o lošim nalazima. Smrt i smrtnost često se nalaze ispod površine prijevare jer postavljaju određena pitanja. Je li to to? Postoji li nešto više? Čeka li me još 25 godina ovakvog života? Hoću li se ikad više ovako osjećati? Zbog toga mislim da su možda ova pitanja ona koja nas tjeraju da prijeđemo granicu i da su neke afere pokušaj da pobijedimo smrt protuotrovom.
And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
Bez obzira na to što vi mislili, prevare imaju manje veze sa seksom, a puno više sa željom, sa željom za pažnjom, sa željom da se osjećamo posebno, sa željom da se osjećamo važno. Sama struktura prevare, činjenica da ne možemo imati ljubavnika hrani želju. To je stroj za želju koji zbog nedovršenosti, nejasnosti, hrani želju za onim što ne možemo imati.
Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
Neki od vas vjerojatno misle da se prevare ne događaju u otvorenim vezama, ali događaju se. Kao prvo, priča o monogamiji nije ista kao i priča o nevjeri, ali čini se da čak i kad možemo slobodno birati druge seksualne partnere, još nas uvijek mami moć zabranjenog voća. Ukoliko napravimo ono što ne bismo smjeli, osjećamo se kao da radimo ono što uistinu želimo. Mnogim sam svojim pacijentima rekla da kada bi u svoje veze unijeli desetinu smjelosti, mašte i elana koji ulažu u afere, vjerojatno mi ne bi imali potrebu dolaziti. (Smijeh)
So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either.
Kako se oporaviti od prijevare? Želja je jaka. Izdaja je jaka. Ali može se izliječiti. A neke su prijevare posmrtno zvono vezama koje su već bile na umoru, no neke će nas druge osvijestiti za neke nove mogućnosti. Većina parova koji su doživjeli prevare ostaju zajedno. Neki od njih jedva prežive, a drugi tu krizu pretvore u priliku, to pretvore u proizvodno iskustvo, mislim da je to čak točnije za prevarenu stranu koja često kaže: "Misliš da ja nisam htio nešto više? No nisam." Kad se prijevara otkrije, i oni imaju pravo tražiti više i više ne moraju održavati status quo od kojeg ionako možda nisu imali neke prevelike koristi.
I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades. And, partners who were sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious, they don't know where it's coming from. Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
Primijetila sam da jako puno parova odmah nakon afere zbog tog nereda koji može dovesti do novog reda vode duboke, iskrene i otvorene razgovore kakve nisu vodili desetljećima, a partneri koji su bili seksualno ravnodušni odjednom postanu prepuni požude za koju ne znaju odakle dolazi. Ima nešto u strahu od gubitka što ponovno rasplamsa staru čežnju i otvara mjesto nekoj sasvim novoj istini.
So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
Kad se afera razotkrije, što parovi mogu učiniti? Znamo da oporavak počinje kad počinitelj prizna svoju grešku. Dakle, partner koji je imao aferu, Nick, jedna je stvar prekinuti je, ali od toga je važniji čin izražavanja krivnje i pokajanja zbog toga što je povrijedio ženu. No, primijetila sam da se jako puno ljudi koji su prevarili osjeća užasno jer su povrijedili partnera, ali ne osjećaju se krivo zbog samog iskustva afere, a to je važna razlika. Nick mora paziti na vezu. Mora na neko vrijeme postati zaštitnik granica, on ih mora podići jer ako malo razmisli o tome, može umanjiti Heatherinu opsesiju i trud da se prijevara ne zaboravi te samim time početi ponovno uspostavljati povjerenje.
But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details -- Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better than me in bed? -- questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives -- What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over?
A za Heather, odnosno za prevarenog partnera, ključno je bavljenje stvarima koje joj vraćaju osjećaj osobne važnosti, važno je okružiti se ljubavlju i prijateljima i aktivnostima koje vraćaju radost, smisao i identitet, ali još je važnije obuzdati znatiželju za traženjem prljavih detalja - Gdje ste bili? Koliko ste to često radili? Je li bolja od mene? -- to su pitanja koja nanose još više boli i uzrokuju besane noći. Umjesto toga, bolje je služiti se istraživačkim pitanjima, pitanjima koja tragaju za značenjem i motivima -- Što ti je značila ova afera? Što si u njoj mogao izraziti ili iskusiti, a što više nisi mogao sa mnom? Kako bi se osjećao kad bi došao kući? Što cijeniš u našoj vezi? Je li ti drago što je gotovo?
Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Svaka će prijevara redefinirati odnos i svaki će par odlučiti što će ona ostaviti za sobom. No, prijevare će se i dalje događati, ne idu nikamo, a dvojbe između ljubavi i čežnje ne daju samo jednostavne odgovore, crno - bijele, dobre i loše, žrtve i počinitelje. Izdaja u vezi dolazi u različitim oblicima. Partnera možete izdati na brojne načine - prezirom, zanemarivanjem, ravnodušnošću, nasiljem. Seksualna izdaja samo je jedan od načina da povrijedite partnera. Drugim riječima, žrtva prijevare nije uvijek žrtva i u braku.
Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you're wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, "Yes." (Laughter)
Slušate me i znam što mislite: Ima francuski naglasak, mora da je zagovornica afera. (Smijeh) U krivu ste. Nisam Francuskinja. (Smijeh) (Pljesak) A nisam ni zagovornica afera. Ali zato što mislim da iz njih može proizaći i nešto dobro, često mi postavljaju ovo neobično pitanje: Biste li je preporučili? Ne bih vam preporučila aferu, kao što vam ne bih preporučila ni rak, a opet znamo da oni koji obole često govore o tome kako im je bolest dala novu perspektivu. Glavno pitanje koje mi postavljaju otkako sam stigla na konferenciju kad sam rekla da ću pričati o nevjeri, bilo je - za ili protiv? Rekoh, "Da." (Smijeh)
I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
Na prijevare gledam s dvojne perspektive: bol i izdaja na jednoj strani, osobni rast i otkriće na drugoj - kako je to na tebe utjecalo i što je meni značilo. Kad mi par dođe nakon afere koja je razotkrivena, često im kažem ovo: U današnje vrijeme, na Zapadu, većina nas imat će dvije ili tri veze ili braka, a neki od nas to će učiniti s istom osobom. Vaš prvi brak je završen. Želite li stvoriti i drugi, zajedno?
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)