Hvorfor er vi utro? Og hvorfor er lykkelige mennesker utro? Når vi siger utroskab, hvad mener vi så helt præcist? Er det tilfældig sex, forelskelse, betalt sex, et chatroom, intimmassage? Hvorfor tror vi, at mænd er utro pga. kedsomhed og frygt for nærhed, og kvinder er utro pga. ensomhed og længsel efter nærhed? Betyder en affære altid afslutningen på et forhold?
Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of a relationship?
De sidste 10 år har jeg rejst over hele verden og arbejdet grundigt med hundredvis af par, der er blevet ødelagt af utroskab. Der er én eneste overtrædelse, som kan frarøve et par deres forhold, deres lykke og hele deres identitet: en affære. Og alligevel er denne yderst almindelige handling meget dårligt forstået. Denne tale er for alle, der har elsket.
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe and worked extensively with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
Ægteskabsbrud har fundet sted lige siden ægteskab blev opfundet, og ligeledes tabu'et omkring det. Faktisk har utroskab en vedholdenhed, som ægteskabet må misunde, så meget, at det er det eneste af de ti bud, som er gentaget to gange: én gang for at udføre det, og én gang bare for at tænke på det. (Latter) Så hvordan forener vi det, der er forbudt overalt med det, der praktiseres overalt?
Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced?
Historisk set har mænd haft licens til at være utro med kun få konsekvenser og støttet af biologiske og evolutionære teorier, der retfærdiggjorde deres behov for utroskab. Så dobbeltmoralen er ligeså gammel som selve ægteskabsbrudet. Men hvem ved, hvad der virkelig foregår under dynen? For når det drejer sig om sex, er mænd pressede til at prale og overdrive. Kvinder er pressede til at skjule det, gøre det mindre og fornægte. Det er ikke overraskende set i lyset af, at der stadig er ni lande, hvor kvinder kan blive henrettet for utroskab.
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying.
Monogami plejede at betyde én person hele livet. I vore dage betyder det én person ad gangen. (Latter) (Bifald)
Now, monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause)
Måske har mange af jer sagt: "Jeg er monogam i alle mine forhold." (Latter)
I mean, many of you probably have said, "I am monogamous in all my relationships." (Laughter)
Vi plejede at gifte os og have sex for første gang, men nu gifter vi os og slutter med at have sex med andre. Faktum er, at monogami har intet med kærlighed at gøre. Mænd stoler på kvinders troskab for at kunne vide, hvis børn det er, og hvem skal have køerne, når jeg dør?
We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die.
Alle vil gerne vide, hvor stor en procentdel, der er utro. Jeg er blevet stillet det spørgsmål, siden jeg ankom til denne konference. (Latter) Det gælder også jer. Men definitionen af utroskab bliver ved med at udvide sig: Sende sexbeskeder, se porno, hemmelig aktivitet på datingsider. Fordi der ikke er nogen generel enighed om definitionen af utroskab, hvad der overhovedet kan kaldes utroskab, vurderes det meget bredt: fra 26 % til 75 %. Derudover er vi omvandrende modsætninger. 95 % af os synes, at det er forkert af vores partner at lyve om at have en affære, men det samme antal af os vil sige, at det er præcis det, vi selv ville gøre, hvis vi havde en. (Latter)
Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one. (Laughter)
Min yndlingsdefinition på en affære, kombinerer de tre nøgle-elementer: Et hemmeligt forhold, som er kernestrukturen i en affære, en følelsesmæssig forbindelse i større eller mindre grad, og en seksuel kemi. Kemi er nøgleordet her for det erotiske sus virker sådan, at et kys, man kun fantaserer om kan være ligeså livgivende og fortryllende som en timelang elskovsakt. Marcel Proust sagde: "Det er vores fantasi, der er ansvarlig for kærlighed, ikke den anden person."
Now, I like this definition of an affair -- it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
Det har aldrig været lettere at være utro og det har aldrig været sværere at holde på en hemmelighed. Og aldrig tidligere har utroskab kostet så dyrt, rent psykologisk. Da ægteskabet var en økonomisk forretning, truede utroskab vor økonomiske tryghed. Men nu hvor ægteskabet er bygget på romantik, truer utroskab vor følelsesmæssige tryghed. Ironisk set plejede vi at ty til utroskab for at finde ægte kærlighed, men nu hvor vi søger kærlighed i ægteskabet, bliver det ødelagt af utroskab.
So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery -- that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.
Der er tre måder, hvor utroskab gør anderledes ondt i vore dage. Vi har et romantisk ideal, hvor vi vender os mod ét menneske for at få opfyldt en uendelig række behov: At være min bedste elsker, min bedste ven den bedste forælder, min fortrolige, min følelsesmæssige følgesvend, min intellektuelle ligemand. Og jeg er det; Jeg er udvalgt, jeg er unik, jeg er uundværlig, jeg er uerstattelig. Jeg er den eneste ene. Og utroskab afslører, at det er jeg ikke. Det er det ultimative bedrag. Utroskab ødelægger den store ambition ved kærlighed. Historisk set har utroskab altid været smertefuld. I vore dage er det ofte traumatisk, for det truer vores selvfølelse.
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.
Min patient Fernando er martret. Han siger: "Jeg troede, jeg kendte mit liv. Jeg troede, jeg vidste hvem du var, hvem vi var som par, hvem jeg var. Nu stiller jeg spørgsmål til alt". Utroskab -- et tillidsbrud, en identitetskrise. "Kan jeg nogensinde stole på dig igen?" "Kan jeg nogensinde stole på nogen?" spørger han.
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything." Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity. "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks. "Can I ever trust anyone again?"
Min patient Heather fortæller det samme om sin oplevelse med Nick. Gift, to børn. Nick er lige taget på forretningsrejse, og Heather spiller på hans Ipad med drengene, da hun ser en besked på skærmen: "Glæder mig til at se dig". "Besynderligt," tænker hun, "vi har lige været sammen." Og så en ny besked: "Glæder mig til at holde dig i mine arme." Og Heather indser at beskederne ikke er til hende. Hun fortæller mig også, at hendes far havde affærer, og hendes mor fandt en regning i hans lomme. og lidt læbestift på hans krave. Heather begynder at lede, og hun finder i hundredvis af beskeder og udvekslede billeder og udtrykt begær. De levende detaljer fra Nicks to år lange affære udfolder sig for hende lige der. Det fik mig til at tænke: Affærer i den digitale tidsalder er døden ved tusind knivstik.
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you." Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other. And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms." And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed. The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
Vi har også et andet paradoks at slås med i vores tid. På grund af disse romantiske idealer stoler vi loyalt på vor partners troskab. Men samtidig har vi aldrig været mere tilbøjelige til at være løse på tråden, ikke fordi vi har nye begær i vore dage, men fordi vi lever i en tid, hvor vi føler en ret til at forfølge vores begær. For dette er en kultur, hvor jeg fortjener at være lykkelig. Hvis vi plejede at blive skilt, fordi vi var ulykkelige, bliver vi i dag skilt, fordi vi kunne blive lykkeligere. Hvis en skilsmisse engang var skamfuldt, så er dét at blive, hvis man kan gå, vor tids nye skam Det betyder, at Heather ikke kan tale med sine venner om det. Hun er bange for, at de vil dømme hende, fordi hun stadig elsker Nick. Alle hun taler med, giver det samme råd: "Forlad ham. Smid hunden på gaden." Hvis det var omvendt, ville Nick være i samme situation. At blive er den nye skam.
But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
Så hvis vi kan blive skilt, hvorfor har vi så stadig affærer? Den typiske antagelse er, at hvis den anden er utro, er der enten noget galt i forholdet eller med en selv. Men millioner af mennesker kan ikke være så ulogiske. Logikken er sådan her: Hvis vi har hvad vi behøver derhjemme, er der ingen grund til at søge andre steder. Vi tror, at der eksisterer et perfekt ægteskab som vil gøre os immune overfor utroskab. Men hvad nu hvis passion har en begrænset holdbarhed? Hvad nu, hvis der er ting, som selv et godt forhold aldrig kan give? Når selv lykkelige mennesker er utro, hvad handler det så om?
So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
Størstedelen af de mennesker, jeg arbejder med er ikke promiskuøse. De tror ofte på monogami især for deres partners vedkommende, men de oplever en konflikt mellem deres værdier og deres handlinger. Ofte har de været trofaste i årtier, men en dag krydser de grænsen, som de aldrig havde troet, de ville krydse med risiko for at miste alt, for et glimt af... hvad? Affærer er bedrag, og de er også udtryk for længsler og tab. I hjertet af en affære vil man ofte finde en længsel efter en følelsesmæssig forbindelse, efter fornyelse, frihed, autonomi, seksuel intensitet, et ønske om at genfinde forsvundne dele af os selv eller et forsøg på at genskabe vitaliteten midt i tab og tragedie.
The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
En anden af mine patienter, Priya, er lykkeligt gift, elsker sin mand og ville aldrig såre ham. Men hun fortæller også at hun altid har gjort det, der forventes af hende: Artig pige, god hustru, god mor, tager sig af sine immigrant-forældre. Så faldt hun for manden, der fjernede et væltet træ fra hendes have efter orkanen Sandy. Med sin lastbil og sine tatoveringer er han det stik modsatte af hende. Som 47-årig var hendes affære et udtryk for den ungdom hun aldrig havde haft. Hendes historie pointerer for mig, at når vi søger en andens blik, er det ikke altid vor partner, som vi vender os bort fra, men fra den person, vi selv er blevet. Det handler ikke om, at vi leder efter en anden person, men at vi leder efter en anden version af os selv.
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
Over hele verden, er der én sætning som de, der har affærer, altid siger. De føler sig levende. De beretter ofte om nylige tab, om en forælder, der døde eller en ven der er gået for tidligt bort. om dårlige nyheder hos lægen. Død og dødelighed gemmer sig ofte i skyggen af en affære. For de rejser spørgsmålene: Er det det? Er der mere? Skal jeg fortsætte 25 år mere sådan her? Kommer jeg nogensinde til at føle DET igen? Jeg tror, disse spørgsmål er drivkraften, der får folk til at gå over grænsen, og at nogle affærer er forsøg på at gøre op med det triste liv, en slags modgift mod døden.
Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses -- of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.
I modsætning til hvad I måske tror, handler affærer mindre om sex og meget mere om begær. Begæret efter opmærksomhed, ønsket om at føle sig særlig at føle sig betydningsfuld. I selve affærens natur er det faktum at du aldrig kan få din elskede, og det holder liv i længslen. Det er i sig selv en begærsmaskine, for ufuldstændigheden, tvetydigheden, får dig til at ønske det, du ikke kan få.
And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
Nu tænker nogle af jer måske at affærer ikke forekommer i åbne forhold, men det gør de. Primært fordi samtalen om monogami ikke er den samme som samtalen om utroskab, Selvom vi har frihed til at have andre seksuelle partnere, er vi stadig tiltrukket af det forbudte, for når vi gør det, vi ikke burde føler vi for alvor, at vi gør det, vi vil. Jeg har også fortalt mange af mine patienter at hvis de kunne tilføre deres forhold blot en tiendedel af den dristighed, fantasi og energi som de lægger i deres affærer, behøvede de næppe at se mig. (Latter)
Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to. And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
Så hvordan kommer vi os over en affære? Begær stikker dybt. Svigt stikker dybt. Men det kan helbredes. Nogle affærer er blot dødsstødet til forhold, der allerede var døende. Mens andre vil kaste os ud i nye muligheder. Faktum er, at størstedelen af par, der har affærer, bliver sammen. Nogle vil kun lige overleve, mens andre vil kunne vende krisen til en mulighed. De vil kunne vende det til en livgivende erfaring. Og endda mest for den svigtede partner som ofte siger: "Troede du ikke, at jeg ville have mere? Men det var ikke mig, der gjorde det." Men nu, hvor affæren er afsløret, vil de også kræve mere og behøver ikke længere at bevare status quo, som måske heller ikke har været god for dem.
So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either.
Jeg har bemærket, at mange par umiddelbart efter en affære, på grund af den nye uorden, som faktisk kan føre til en ny orden, vil føre dybe samtaler med en ærlighed og åbenhed, som de ikke har haft i årtier. Og partnere, der havde mistet den seksuelle interesse i hinanden bliver pludselig fyldt af grådigt begær, som de ikke ved hvor kommer fra. Frygten for at miste vil genoplive begæret og bane vej for en helt ny sandhed.
I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades. And, partners who were sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious, they don't know where it's coming from. Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
Så når en affære er afsløret, hvad kan et par så gøre konkret? Vi ved fra andre traumer, at helingen begynder, når krænkeren indrømmer deres fejl. Så for partneren, der havde affæren, for Nick, er det én ting at afslutte affæren, men den anden er den væsentlige og vigtige handling at udtrykke skyld og anger for at have såret sin kone. Men sandheden er at jeg har bemærket at ret mange af dem, der har været utro føler sig frygteligt skyldige over at have såret deres partner, men de føler sig ikke skyldige over selve oplevelsen af affæren. Den forskel er vigtig. Nick skal stå vagt om forholdet. Han skal opretholde dets grænser. Det er hans ansvar at tage emnet op, for husker han at gøre det, kan han befri Heather fra hendes tvangstanker, og ansvaret for at sikre, at affæren ikke glemmes, og det i sig selv er starten på at genskabe tilliden.
So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
Men for Heather, eller andre svigtede partnere, er det essentielt at gøre ting, der genskaber en følelse af selvværd, At omgive sig med kærlighed og dyrke venner og aktiviteter, der giver glæde, mening og identitet. Men endnu vigtigere, er det at bremse sin nysgerrighed efter de beskidte detaljer -- Hvor var I? Hvor gjorde I det? Hvor ofte? Er hun bedre i sengen end mig? Spørgsmål som blot påfører mere smerte og holder dig vågen om natten. Brug i stedet hvad jeg kalder undersøgende spørgsmål, dem der søger efter meningen og motivet Hvad har den affære betydet for dig? Hvad kunne du udtrykke eller opleve der, som du ikke længere kunne med mig? Hvordan var det for dig at komme hjem? Hvad er det ved os, som du sætter pris på? Er du glad for, at det er overstået?
But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details -- Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better than me in bed? -- questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives -- What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over?
Enhver affære vil ændre forholdet, og alle par skal finde frem til hvad affærens eftermæle skal være. Men affærer er kommet for at blive. De forsvinder ikke. Og kærlighedens og begærets dilemmaer giver ikke simple svar som sort og hvid, god og dårlig eller offer og krænker. Bedrag kommer i mange former. Der er mange måder, vi bedrager vores partner på, med foragt, med forsømmelse, med ligegyldighed eller vold. Seksuelt bedrag er bare én måde at såre en partner. Med andre ord, offeret for en affære er ikke altid offeret i ægteskabet.
Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.
Nu har I hørt på mig, og jeg ved, hvad I tænker: "Hun taler med fransk accent, hun må være for utroskab" (Latter) Men I tager fejl -- jeg er ikke fransk. (Latter) (Bifald) og jeg går ikke ind for affærer. Men fordi jeg tænker, at der kan komme noget godt ud af en affære, er jeg ofte blevet stillet dette mærkelige spørgsmål: "Vil du anbefale det?" Ser I, jeg ville ikke råde jer til at have en affære, mere end jeg ville anbefale jer at få kræft, men vi ved dog at dem, der har været syge, ofte får et nyt syn på livet. Mange har spurgt mig her på konferencen, da jeg sagde, jeg ville tale om utroskab: "For eller imod?" Jeg svarede: "Ja!" (Latter)
Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you're wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, "Yes." (Laughter)
Jeg ser på affærer fra to sider: at blive såret og svigtet på den ene side, vækst og selvudvikling på den anden. Hvad det gjorde ved dig, og hvad det betød for mig. Så når et par kommer til mig i kølvandet på en affære, der er blevet afsløret, fortæller jeg dem ofte: I vore dage i den vestlige verden, vil de fleste af os have to eller tre forhold, eller ægteskaber, og nogle af os har dem med den samme person. Jeres første ægteskab er slut. Vil I skabe ægteskab nr. 2 sammen?
I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?
Tak.
Thank you.
(Bifald)
(Applause)