I’m a father of two. A grandparent of three. Five, actually. And I am transgifted. I would be delighted if you used the pronoun “they” and my full first name Esben Esther. Yes, I said “transgifted,” meaning that my inborn talents of trans have been welcomed and cultivated both by me and my peers. But, you know, gifts of trans do not come about easily. I belong to an indigenous people. At all times, we have been here, but we never had any lands. We have been discriminated, pathologized. This has been apt to take our dignity away in many societies.
I traced my trans talents back to the age of four or five. I longed to look and to be like a girl. With three women at home, I had options to do so, in secret, of course. I mean, boys should not dress like a girl and certainly not want to be one. I dressed in secret. It felt so fine. But my conscience felt bad after dressing sessions. I was a kind of traitor to mankind.
I found out that I was a transvestite. And that the condition was called “transvestitism.” I looked it up in the encyclopedias, and they all said the same. Transvestitism is a pathological urge to dress in the clothes of the opposite gender. Yeah. That description has been detrimental to me and to people like me. Many were not as robust as I was.
Our search for happiness was a disease, or disorder. They call it a disease. “Dis-ease” Then what is “ease”? And who decides? They call it a disorder. “Dis-order.” Then what is “order”? And who decides? Those people are “cis,” and “cis” means congruence between sex assigned at birth and gender experienced later in life. Experts who have pathologized us were cis. No wonder that trans-talented people all over the world say, “Nothing about us without us.”
We can no longer accept to be defined by cis experts who never were able to reach into our needs and our wishes, where something deeply longed for is pathologized. The result is shame. And shame keeps us going in secret. Some learn to move away from a non-affirming world to an inner world. So well-protected that it may simulate autism.
The fear of disclosure is a fear of being trashed. That fear has left me, but it is still alive in many trans people. And the fear is sustained by healthcare systems and by some ideologies consisting exclusively of cis people. They pathologize; they discriminate us, which leads to shame, depression, suicides. Let me dwell with shame.
Imagine the person they thought to be a girl who wants the name Peter and the pronoun “he.” Now, Peter tells me that he has revealed his inner self to his family and friends. How is that for you, I wonder? And the common answer is, “They took it well.” “They didn’t have a fit.” Can we sense a hidden message here? Imagine the same person having wrecked the family’s car. He comes home with a steering wheel in his hand and blood in his face. “How’s that for you?” I would ask. And the answer might be, “They took it well. They did not have a fit.” There is an inbuilt shame in many societies that, in consequence, equals gender diversity with car wrecks.
So what can we do? As indigenous people, we have an urgent need to love and honor ourselves with the assistance of our growing group of allies. I met with my most powerful ally, the 16th, in Bergen, Norway, the 16th of October 1986 at 11:13 a.m. That same evening, our hands understood before we did that we belonged together. Her name is Elsa. She is my colleague and my co-fighter for equality and sexual rights for all. And she is my wife. She is the great love of my life. What profound prophecy our hands proclaimed that day in 1986.
We had to change the world to do better. What tools were at hand for such a project? Well, I had come to Bergen to a sexological conference to present data from a research project where we found that the gender identity of trans people flowed in a continuum between the gender majorities: women and men. I cannot say for sure what had the most impact at that conference: my talk on gender identity, Elsa’s and my radiating love. Or was it perhaps the fact that I came out as trans to many of the attendees? We had two tools, two tools in our hands: the dissemination of knowledge and personal self-disclosure. Secrets change nothing. I knew, we knew that the cis population knew little or nothing to render my people dignity and self-worth.
We realized that the concepts and words used about trans were due to expire. Hardly any were apt to support dignity. We had to inspire new words and concepts to replace these old and discriminating ones. We coined the term “gender-affirming treatments.” We also coined other words apt to induce dignity and self-worth, like “gender euphoria,” “trans talent,” “transgifted,” and “gender belonging.” I’ve seen many violated trans people rise and shine when these terms are offered to them.
You know, if a human talent is discriminated or pathologized, it becomes a curse. When welcomed by the owner and those around, it becomes a gift. Belonging arises when we are perceived by others the same way as we perceive ourselves. And then that which is perceived is given a positive value. Positive gender belonging is gender euphoria.
I decided to introduce poetry to sexology. I already shared some; more is to come. When Elsa and I perform on stages together, people say, “Oh, you are so calming and so ‘normal.’” Performance and reassurance... is vital to reach into people’s minds and people’s emotions.
The idea of sex and gender as a binary is deeply rooted in our society. Well, the only binary nature offers is that of semen and eggs. As for chromosomes, genes, hormones, sex organs, there are more options than two. Some say that I'm not natural. What might I be, then? Synthetic?
(Laughter)
Anyway, the gender binary has become a holy cow. Anyone who talks about gender diversity is in for resistance and even hate. There is a great, great need for knowledge. But there is no major healthcare education that offers any teaching on the subject of gender diversity. Open and loving conversations with at least 100 of my people is the prerequisite for a justified opinion in these matters.
Yes, it takes courage to stand up for the rights of trans people, whereas some cis people cry so loudly against our needs to be in congruence with ourselves. In the meanwhile, this sense of not being welcome, not being offered a positive belonging prevails.
Where from comes my energy to fight for the rights of my people? I found an answer when a dedicated Hindu asked me, “Why have you chosen to come to Earth?”
(Laughter)
“I am here,” I heard myself say, “to assist people in seeing their inner beauty.”
We must stop encouraging a cis ideal for trans. The term “to pass” is to be perceived as cis. No trans person can ever be cis unless we revert to sex assigned at birth. Let us instead inspire the term “trans-aesthetics” to expand our ideals of gender expression.
I’ve been told I live a sin by those who claim to know. I should obey what I am in. Just be my genitals somehow. My childhood was not understood. They almost took my sanity away. They made me feel like nothing good. Until one shiny day when those who had told lies on me, who sang the sickening song, who made it hard for me to be, they had been proven wrong. Do I know of their remorse? No, not one single thing. They should apologize, of course. But that’s for them to bring. I will go on and leave us be. Let love and beauty in. And those who might still disagree, they make an awful sin.
Thank you.
(Applause)
