Big boys don't cry. Suck it up. Shut up and rub some dirt on it. Stop crying before I give you something to cry about. These are just a few of the phrases that contribute to a disease in our society, and more specifically, in our men. It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity." It's one I suffered a chronic case of, so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.
男子漢有淚不輕彈。 吞回去! 閉上嘴,想辦法克服。 再哭哭啼啼的話,小心我揍你。 上面的話只是幾個例子, 這類字眼造成我們社會的一種病, 特別是在男性社群中。 這種病就是眾所周知的 「毒性男子氣概」。 我長期蒙受這種病害, 致使我坐監服刑了 24 年, 因為我綁架、搶劫及殺人未遂。
Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic. I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials. The solution is a mixture of elements. It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system and how out of alignment it is and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself, but the people around you. The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.
但今天我在這裡要告訴各位, 這種流行病有解藥。 我之所以知道這解藥有效, 是因為我是該人體實驗的一份子。 這解藥是多種元素的混合體。 首先你要願意檢視自己的信念, 檢視信念偏離正軌的程度, 以及檢視你的行為如何負面地 不只影響你自己, 還殃及你周遭的人。 這解藥的下個成分是, 在支持你且要求你負責任的人面前, 你願意展示自己脆弱的一面。
But before I tell you about this, I need to let you know that in order to share this, I have to bare my soul in full. And as I stand here, with so many eyes fixed on me, I feel raw and naked. When this feeling is present, I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon, and that allows me to share my story in full.
但在我告訴各位這些之前, 我需要讓各位知道, 為了分享這個, 我必須完全袒露自己的心靈。 當我站在這裡, 如此多雙眼睛注視著我, 我感到赤身露體。 當有這種感覺時, 我很自信下個復原階段即將發生, 我才能和各位分享我全部的故事。
For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic: mother, father, sister, brother. Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III. That's me. My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood. So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system? Keeping secrets, believing the mantra that big boys don't cry, not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger, participating in athletics and learning that the greater the performance on the field, the less the need to worry about the rules off it. It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient of the many symptoms that ailed me.
從表面看,我出生於 家人互動美好的家庭: 有母親、父親、姐姐、哥哥、 伯莎、小艾爾達、泰達瑪、埃爾德拉三世, 那就是我。 我父親是得過紫心勳章的 越戰退伍軍人, 回到家找到愛、結婚, 建立了自己的小家庭。 而我是怎麼會 進入加州的監獄服刑呢? 保守秘密、 相信男子漢有淚不輕彈的口號、 不知如何自信地表達 憤怒之外的其他情緒, 我參與體育運動, 了解到在運動場上表現越好, 就越不需要擔心場外的規則。 在眾多症狀中, 很難確定是哪個特殊因素困擾了我。
Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s, there were two groups I identified as having respect: athletes and gangsters. I excelled in sports, that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it. With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle, I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports. No sports meant no respect. No respect equaled no power. Power was vital to feed my illness. It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster was made and done so easily. Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited to objectify others, act in a socially detached manner, and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power. A sense of power
我是在 1980 年代,於加州沙加緬度市 成長的年輕黑人男性, 我發現有兩群人受到尊敬: 運動員和幫派份子。 我在運動方面很出色, 直到我和朋友偷開他母親的車子, 飆速兜風而撞毀了它。 因為我父母必須分擔 被毀車子的費用, 我被分派做了一個暑假的家務, 而且不准運動。 無運動即無尊敬, 無尊敬即無權力, 對我的「有毒男子氣概」病來說, 權力顯得尤其至關重要。 就在這節骨眼, 我決定從運動員轉為幫派份子, 而且很容易就辦到了。 早期的生活經驗讓我很容易 將他人視為物品, 用與社會脫節的方式行事, 而且最重要的是 找尋被視為權力的地位。 權力的感覺
(Sighs)
(嘆息聲)
equaled strength in my environment, but more importantly, it did so in my mind. My mind dictated my choices.
在我生活環境中就等於權勢, 但更重要的是 在我心中也是這麼想。 我的想法主宰了我的選擇,
My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life. And even once in prison, I continued my history of running over the rights of others, even knowing that that was the place that I would die. Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times. I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.
我之後的各種選擇 將我快速地送進監獄生活。 而且甚至入監服刑, 我仍延續過去所作所為 傾軋別人的權利, 即使明知我可能會死在那裡。 再次,我被單獨拘禁, 因為捅了另一位犯人將近 30 刀。 我已走到我不在乎 如何活或是否會死的地步。
But then, things changed. One of the best things that happened in my life to that point was being sent to New Folsom Prison. Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle. Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard as "hug-a-thug."
但接著,事情有了變化。 從我有生以來,發生最好的事之一 就是被送到新佛森監獄。 一到那兒,我被找去 加入一個「內省圈」的團體。 剛開始,我猶豫 是否要加入被囚犯稱為 「擁抱一個暴徒」的團體。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Initially, yeah, that was a little much, but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy. As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan, who was also serving life and who had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired of watching us kill one another over skin color, rag color, being from Northern or Southern California, or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.
一開始,是啊,有一點太過了。 但最後,我克服了我的猶豫。 事實上,這個內省圈 是位名叫帕特里克·諾蘭的構想, 他也在服刑, 他已經厭倦、也受夠了 看著我們互相殘殺, 而殘殺只因為我們的膚色、 衣服顏色、 來自加州北方或南方, 或只是在一個有風的日子 朝著錯誤的方向呼吸。
Circle time is men sitting with men and cutting through the bullshit, challenging structural ways of thinking. I think the way that I think and I act the way that I act because I hadn't questioned that. Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street, turn around and check out her backside? Where did that come from? If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd. The locker-room talk. In circle, we sit and we question these things. Why do I think the way that I think? Why do I act the way that I act? Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking, I'm not being an individual, I'm not taking responsibility for who I am and what it is I put into this world.
聚會時間男男比肩而坐, 撇開胡扯廢話, 直接質疑結構思維方式。 我用我的想法來思考, 我依我的作風來行事, 因為我從沒對此懷疑過。 例如,誰說看一個女生走在路上時, 我應該轉頭看她的屁股? 這是從那裡開始的? 假如我不去質疑, 我就只會從眾行事, 說些下流粗俗的話。 我們圍成圓圈坐著,質疑那些事。 為什麼我會那樣想? 為什麼我會那樣做? 因為當我執著於此, 我就根本沒有在思考。 我不是一個個體, 我沒有為我是什麼樣的人, 及對世界有什麼貢獻而負責。
It was in a circle session that my life took a turn. I remember being asked who I was, and I didn't have an answer, at least not one that felt honest in a room full of men who were seeking truth. It would have been easy to say, "I'm a Blood," or, "My name is Vegas," or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind. It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up. I realized that as sharp as I believed I was, I didn't even know who I was or why I acted the way that I acted. I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support and present an authentic me. It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within that was ready for transformation.
一次自省會扭轉了我的生命, 我記得被問到我是誰, 我沒有答案。 在這個坐滿追求真理的男人的房間裡, 沒有一個答案感覺是真的。 本來這應該很容易說出來, 「我是熱血的人。」 或「我的名字是維加斯。」 或我曾經做過許多的虛偽面具。 就在那一刻、那個會場, 我整個被揭露了。 我發現雖然我覺得自己很聰明, 我甚至不知道我是誰, 或為什麼我依我的作風來行事。 屋裡坐滿想要幫助我、 支持我找到真正自我的男人, 我再也無法無動於衷了。 就在那時,我達到了一個 準備轉化的境界。
For decades, I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret. I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed. I was seven, she was three. I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe. It was in that instant that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others, be it physical, mental or emotional. I developed, in that instant, at seven years old, the belief that going forward in life, if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt, I would be the one doing the hurting. I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way. I also learned that caring about another person made me weak. So not caring, that must equal strength. The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self is to hide behind a false air of respect.
數十年來, 我保守曾受到保姆性騷擾的秘密, 我是在我妹妹 會被傷害的威脅下屈服的。 那時我七歲、她三歲, 我堅信保護她的安全是我的責任, 在那時候, 種下了我長期傷害他人 身體、心理或感情生涯的種子。 從那時候, 就是七歲開始, 我開始相信日後 在某人會被傷害的情況下, 我將是那個執行傷害的人。 我還想出一個念頭, 愛會使我受傷害。 我還學到關心他人會使我軟弱, 所以不關心就一定等於力量。 掩飾不知道真實自我的最好方法 就是躲在尊敬的虛幻感覺後面。
Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire. It is a crucible that can and does break. It broke my old sense of self, diseased value system and way of looking at others. My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open to see if this is who I wanted to be in life. I was accompanied by skilled facilitators on a journey into the depths of myself to find those wounded parts that not only festered but seeped out to create unsafe space for others. At times, it resembled an exorcism, and in essence, it was. There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking, being and reacting and an infusion of purpose.
坐在自省會裡,就像坐在火中, 它是一個真正會打開人心扉的熔爐。 它打破了陳舊的自我、 病態的價值觀、 以及審視他人的方式。 我老舊的思考模式 被攤開來檢視 是否這就是我所要的人生。 一路上,有熟練的引導員 陪同我作深度自省, 去尋找一些創傷, 這些傷口既潰爛又滲出, 因而導致別人活在不安全中。 有時,就像驅鬼除魔, 而實質上它就是。 從身上取出陳舊思想、 行為及反應, 並且注入人生的目的。
Sitting in those circles saved my life. I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.
坐在自省會中拯救了我的生命。 今天我站在這裡證明治療的成效。
I was paroled in June 2014, following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society. I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old not under any form of state supervision. I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly, and together, we are raising two sons who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way. I let them hold me when I cry. They get to witness me not have all the answers. My desire is for them to understand that being a man is not some machismo caricature, and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses are parts of the whole healthy man.
我在 2014 年六月獲得假釋, 第三次聽證會後假釋的, 聽證會上,一組前任執法的人員 評估了我目前對社會威脅的程度。 自我 14 歲以來,我首次站在這裡, 不受政府任何形式的監管。 我與一位了不起的女性結婚, 她名叫荷莉。 我們一起養育兩個兒子, 我鼓勵他們用安全的方式 來表達情緒。 當我哭泣時,我讓他們擁抱我, 他們目睹我並不是無事不曉。 我想要他們了解 做為一位男性 不要像故事中的大男人, 還有那些常被視為軟弱的特徵 是正常健康男性的一部分。
So today, I continue to work not just on myself, but in support of young males in my community. The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves. As a result of this, they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf.
所以今天,我持續服務, 不只是用在我身上, 還支援我社區裡的年輕男性。 現在的挑戰是消弭 情緒文盲與團體迷思的惡性循環, 這循環讓我們男性 持續去傷害別人和自己。 消弭後的結果, 是他們想出新方法, 如何在這世界展現自己, 以及如何期待這世界為他們而展現。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)