Big boys don't cry. Suck it up. Shut up and rub some dirt on it. Stop crying before I give you something to cry about. These are just a few of the phrases that contribute to a disease in our society, and more specifically, in our men. It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity." It's one I suffered a chronic case of, so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.
男儿有泪不轻弹。 要忍耐! 闭上嘴,变坚强。 没有理由则不要随意哭泣。 这些只是 我们社会中导致某种疾病 的诸多短语的缩影, 更具体来说是针对男人的疾病。 这是一种被称为“有害的男子气概”的疾病。 这是我长期患有的疾病, 以致我被判了24年的监禁 由于绑架小孩、抢劫和谋杀未遂。
Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic. I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials. The solution is a mixture of elements. It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system and how out of alignment it is and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself, but the people around you. The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.
然而,我今天要告诉大家, 这种传染病有一个解决方案。 我知道这个解决方案是可行的, 因为我就亲身试验过。 该解决方案由多种元素构成。 治疗始于你重新审视自己的信仰, 它是多么地脱位, 你意识到你的行为 不仅对自己产生负面的影响, 也影响了身边的人。 另一点是,你开始愿意示弱, 不仅仅对那些支持你的人, 也对那些你负有责任的人。
But before I tell you about this, I need to let you know that in order to share this, I have to bare my soul in full. And as I stand here, with so many eyes fixed on me, I feel raw and naked. When this feeling is present, I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon, and that allows me to share my story in full.
但在我告诉你这些之前, 我想让你们知道, 为了分享这些, 我必须袒露一切。 我站在这里, 有如此多的眼睛注视着我, 我觉得浑身赤裸。 当这种感觉出现时, 我相信下一阶段的治疗即将到来, 这让我能够完整地分享自己的故事。
For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic: mother, father, sister, brother. Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III. That's me. My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood. So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system? Keeping secrets, believing the mantra that big boys don't cry, not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger, participating in athletics and learning that the greater the performance on the field, the less the need to worry about the rules off it. It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient of the many symptoms that ailed me.
从表面看, 我出生在一个理想的家庭: 母亲、父亲、姐妹、兄弟。 伯莎、埃尔德拉、泰达玛和埃尔德拉三世, 也就是我。 我的父亲是一名越战老兵, 他赢得了紫心勋章, 回国寻到了真爱并结婚, 开始了自己的家庭生活。 那么,我是如何沦落到在 加州的监狱里服刑的呢? 保守秘密, 相信“男儿有泪不轻弹”这句俗语, 不知道如何表达愤怒之外的情绪, 参加体育运动, 并且知道在场上表现得越好, 就越不需要担心规则。 在我的诸多症状中, 很难找到造成我疾病的特定成分。
Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s, there were two groups I identified as having respect: athletes and gangsters. I excelled in sports, that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it. With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle, I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports. No sports meant no respect. No respect equaled no power. Power was vital to feed my illness. It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster was made and done so easily. Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited to objectify others, act in a socially detached manner, and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power. A sense of power
作为一位20世纪80年代,在加州 萨克拉门托长大的年轻黑人男性, 我认为只有两类人有尊严: 运动员和黑帮。 我擅长体育, 直到我和一个朋友开车兜风, 把他妈妈的车给毁了。 我父母不得不分摊 报废汽车的费用, 整个夏天我只能做家务, 而不能去运动。 没有运动意味着无法赢得尊重。 没有尊重意味着没有权力。 权力是导致我疾病的重要因素。 就在那个时候, 从运动员转型做黑帮成员, 是个很容易作出的决定。 早年生活经历让我容易 将他人物化, 以一种超脱社会的方式行事, 最重要的是, 要让别人觉得你有权势。 权力的感觉
(Sighs)
(叹息)
equaled strength in my environment, but more importantly, it did so in my mind. My mind dictated my choices.
在我所处的环境中等同于力量, 但更重要的, 我的大脑也是这样认为的。 我的大脑支配着我的选择。
My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life. And even once in prison, I continued my history of running over the rights of others, even knowing that that was the place that I would die. Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times. I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.
我后来的选择很快地将我送入监狱。 甚至一度在监狱,我也继续着 我践踏他人权利的历史, 即便知道那是我要死去的地方。 我又一次被单独监禁, 因为我刺了另一位囚犯近30次。 我已经到了不在乎生死的境地。
But then, things changed. One of the best things that happened in my life to that point was being sent to New Folsom Prison. Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle. Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard as "hug-a-thug."
但后来,事情改变了。 我生命中最美好的事情之一就是 被送进了新福尔森监狱。 一到那,我就受邀加入一个 名为“内圈”的组织。 起初,我犹豫要不要加入一个在狱中 被称为“拥抱暴徒”的组织。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Initially, yeah, that was a little much, but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy. As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan, who was also serving life and who had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired of watching us kill one another over skin color, rag color, being from Northern or Southern California, or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.
一开始,是的,很犹豫, 但最终,我克服了我的犹豫。 原来, 圈子是 帕特里克·诺兰的愿景, 他也曾被判终身服刑, 他厌倦了 看着我们互相残杀, 因为肤色, 因为衣服的颜色, 因为来自北加州或南加州, 或者仅仅是因为在大风天 朝向错了。
Circle time is men sitting with men and cutting through the bullshit, challenging structural ways of thinking. I think the way that I think and I act the way that I act because I hadn't questioned that. Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street, turn around and check out her backside? Where did that come from? If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd. The locker-room talk. In circle, we sit and we question these things. Why do I think the way that I think? Why do I act the way that I act? Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking, I'm not being an individual, I'm not taking responsibility for who I am and what it is I put into this world.
在“内圈”时,人们坐在一块儿, 不说废话, 挑战结构化的思考。 我按我的方式思考, 我按我的风格行事, 因为我从没质疑过。 比如,谁说我看到 一个女人走在大街上, 就应该转过身去看看她的臀部? 这种想法从何而来呢? 如果我不质疑这点, 我就会随大流。 谈论黄色八卦。 在圈子里,我们质疑这些事情。 为什么我要按这种方式思考? 为什么我要按这种风格处事? 因为当我做事时,我没有思考, 我不是一个独立的人, 我没有为自己负责, 也没有为我的行为负责。
It was in a circle session that my life took a turn. I remember being asked who I was, and I didn't have an answer, at least not one that felt honest in a room full of men who were seeking truth. It would have been easy to say, "I'm a Blood," or, "My name is Vegas," or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind. It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up. I realized that as sharp as I believed I was, I didn't even know who I was or why I acted the way that I acted. I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support and present an authentic me. It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within that was ready for transformation.
我的人生因为这个组织发生改变。 我曾被问过我是谁, 而我当时没有答案, 至少在那个满屋子都是 寻求真相的人的面前, 我没有真正的答案。 有些东西说出来容易, “我是热血,” 或者,“我叫维加斯,” 或者任何可以让我藏匿起来的人设。 就在那一刻,在那个地方, 那些伎俩没用了。 我意识到,尽管我相信自己很敏锐, 但我甚至不知道自己是谁, 也不知道自己行为背后的意义。 我无法站在一个满是 寻求帮助的人们的房间中, 去展示一个真实的我。 就在那一刻,我内心想好了, 准备转变。
For decades, I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret. I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed. I was seven, she was three. I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe. It was in that instant that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others, be it physical, mental or emotional. I developed, in that instant, at seven years old, the belief that going forward in life, if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt, I would be the one doing the hurting. I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way. I also learned that caring about another person made me weak. So not caring, that must equal strength. The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self is to hide behind a false air of respect.
几十年来, 我一直保守着被保姆猥亵的秘密。 在我妹妹的安全被威胁的情况下, 我屈服了。 我当时7岁,她3岁。 我相信保护她的安全是我的责任。 就在那一刻, 我播下了长期伤害他人的种子, 无论是身体上的, 精神上的还是情感上的。 在那一瞬间,我产生了一种信念, 在我七岁的时候, 那就是要在生活中前进, 如果出现有人必定会受伤的情况, 我就是那个伤害别人的人。 我还形成了这样一种观念: 爱会使我处于危险之中。 我也学到了关心他人 会让我变得脆弱。 所以冷血,就等于力量。 掩盖脆弱的最好方法 就是隐藏在虚伪的空气背后。
Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire. It is a crucible that can and does break. It broke my old sense of self, diseased value system and way of looking at others. My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open to see if this is who I wanted to be in life. I was accompanied by skilled facilitators on a journey into the depths of myself to find those wounded parts that not only festered but seeped out to create unsafe space for others. At times, it resembled an exorcism, and in essence, it was. There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking, being and reacting and an infusion of purpose.
参加“内圈”的活动就像坐在火里。 这是一个自我重塑的熔炉。 它打破了我原有的自我意识, 病态的价值体系 和看待他人的方式。 我陈旧的思维方式被曝光, 我需要审视 这是否是我想要的生活。 经验丰富的辅导员陪我 走进我内心的深处, 寻找那些受伤的,不仅会腐烂 甚至还会危害他人的地方。 有时,它就像驱魔仪式, 本质上,它就是。 旧的、病态的思维方式被驱逐出去, 与此同时, 注入新的目标。
Sitting in those circles saved my life. I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.
参加组织的活动, 使我重获新生。 我今天站在这里 想证明这项工作的力量。
I was paroled in June 2014, following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society. I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old not under any form of state supervision. I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly, and together, we are raising two sons who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way. I let them hold me when I cry. They get to witness me not have all the answers. My desire is for them to understand that being a man is not some machismo caricature, and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses are parts of the whole healthy man.
2014年6月我被假释, 在我第三次出席 由前执法官员组成的听证会之后, 他们的任务是确定我 目前对社会的威胁程度。 今天我站在这里, 是我14岁以来第一次 没有受到任何形式的国家监督。 我和一个叫霍莉的 了不起的女人结了婚, 我们养育了两个儿子, 我鼓励他们以安全的方式体验情绪。 我让他们在我哭泣时拥抱我。 他们明白我并非无所不知。 我的愿望是让他们明白, 男人并不是 大男子主义漫画中的样子, 那些脆弱的特征也是 健康男人的一部分。
So today, I continue to work not just on myself, but in support of young males in my community. The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves. As a result of this, they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf.
所以今天, 我继续工作不只是为了自己, 更是为了支持我们社区里的青年。 我们面临的挑战是要消除 这种情感文盲和群体思维的循环, 这种循环让我们的男性 继续伤害他人和自己。 因此, 他们可以以新面貌出现在世人面前, 并且他们也可以被这个世界所接纳。
Thank you.
谢谢。
(Applause)
(掌声)